Deep Desire

At 8:30 a.m., Lu Jingshen arrived at the company, and Liu Jie, who had come five minutes earlier, was waiting for him at the entrance of the building to go up together.

He walked briskly toward the elevator, and when Liu Jie saw the look in his eyes, the words she was about to say got stuck in her throat.

Lu Jingshen tilted his head in confusion, looking at Liu Jie. Liu Jie quickly continued her previous words, “At 1:30, there’s a meeting…”

While Lu Jingshen listened attentively, Liu Jie’s gaze couldn’t help but drift to the back of his neck, where a bright red mark stood out conspicuously at the left side of his hairline. It was particularly eye-catching.

That morning, Lu Jingshen had been absent-minded all the time. He didn’t want to change his mind, so he sent a message to An Xin on his phone, saying that he wanted to go home for dinner and asked her to invite Lu Jingqing and Lu Chixie to come home as well.

Of course, An Xin was delighted when her son said he wanted to come home for dinner. She asked what he wanted to eat and made preparations.

Lu Jingshen replied, “Anything is fine. Just prepare a bit more food. I’ll bring a friend along.”

After informing his family, Lu Jingshen saw that it was already noon and directly called Feng Si.

“I just finished lunch at the canteen. Is there something you need?” Feng Si’s cheerful voice came through the phone. “Your flowers were just delivered, and they arrived right on time today.”

Lu Jingshen’s breath paused for a moment, and he asked, “What time can you finish work today? Are you free tonight?”

“Probably around 5 o’clock. Why? Do you want to go on a date with me?” Feng Si asked directly.

With an “um,” Lu Jingshen said, “Is that okay?”

“I’m afraid not. I just made plans to have hot pot with my colleagues tonight. I missed the last time, so I can’t bail on them this time, can I?” Feng Si’s tone sounded like he was in a bit of a dilemma.

Lu Jingshen persisted, “Can you change the time with your colleagues? I want to see you tonight. There’s something I want to talk to you about, and I also want to take you home for dinner with my family.”

“Dinner with your family?” Feng Si asked.

Lu Jingshen explained, “Yes, all my family members will be present.”

“So, Alex, you came prepared, huh? Then I guess I’ll have to bail on my colleagues again,” Feng Si’s laughter sounded even more pleasant, and Lu Jingshen asked again, “Is that okay?”

“Dinner with you and your family, how can I say no?” Feng Si teased him intentionally. “You’re much more important. Let’s meet tonight.”

Lu Jingshen let out a sigh of relief, “Okay, 5:30. I’ll come to your place to pick you up.”

After hanging up the phone, Lu Jingshen still felt restless. He felt like there was something missing, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Shortly after, Lu Jingqing’s message came on WeChat: “Did you tell Mom to ask me and Chixie to go home together for dinner? And you said you are going to bring a friend?”

Lu Jingshen replied, “It’s just a casual dinner. If you don’t have anything important, try to make it.”

The response on the other end showed “typing,” and it took several minutes before a reply came: “Okay then.”

Putting down her phone, Lu Jingqing pouted at Lu Chixie, who was sitting next to her desk with a gossipy expression, “Both your date and my date for tonight have been canceled.”

Lu Chixie laughed, “Why don’t we bring them home together? It’ll be more lively. Besides, he didn’t say we can’t do that. We’re going to be one family soon, and we’ll meet sooner or later.”

Lu Jingqing said, “Hmph.”

Lu Chixie had gone to the company that day to film a program. Shang Xin’s entertainment company recently launched a live streaming platform, and Lu Chixie was helping with promotion. That day, he was doing a live-streamed variety show called “Me and My Siblings,” and he invited Lu Jingqing to join him. The live broadcast had been going on since the morning and would continue into the afternoon.

“Just now, the producer secretly asked if I could ask Lu Jingshen to appear on camera. Should I go and ask him? Do you think he’ll agree?” Lu Chixie asked Lu Jingqing with wild thoughts, wanting to see some excitement.

Lu Jingqing gestured, “You can give it a try, but I’m 99% sure he’ll refuse.”

Lu Chixie said, “Let’s give it a try anyway.”

At 3:30, Lu Jingshen finished the meeting and returned to his office to continue working. Lu Chixie’s call came in, and he asked, “Brother, can I come to your office? I’m doing a live-streamed variety show in the company. I’ve been with my Lu Jingqing all day, and the audience, aware that I have an older brother, is strongly requesting for you to appear on camera.”

Lu Jingshen furrowed his brows, and the refusal was already on the tip of his tongue, but Lu Chixie continued, “It won’t take up much of your time. Please say yes”

After hesitating for a moment, Lu Jingshen changed his mind and said, “Sure, come over.”

If it were in the past, he would definitely not agree, but Feng Si said that he could try to relax a bit and should try to be less tense.

He did want to make some changes.

After hanging up the phone, Lu Jingshen called Liu Jie in and gave her some instructions. Liu Jie was almost dumbfounded when she heard what Lu Jingshen said. Their boss was always the most averse to appearing in public, yet that day, he actually agreed to be on a live-streamed show for his younger brother?

But since Lu Jingshen said so, she could only comply. She quickly went out to remind the secretary to make all necessary preparations so that they wouldn’t look bad if they were caught on camera later and tarnish the company’s image.

Twenty minutes later, Lu Chixie arrived with a group of staff, making Lu Jingshen’s office lively for the first time.

Dozens of cameras were pointed at him. Behind his desk, Lu Jingshen subconsciously tightened the pen in his hand and pretended to remain calm while looking at the documents in front of him.

Lu Chixie approached him and introduced him to the camera. He then reminded him, “Brother, say hello to the camera. Everyone is saying how handsome you are.”

Lu Jingshen’s frowning eyebrows remained, and he nodded toward the direction Lu Chixie pointed to, even though he did not greet the camera directly.

Lu Chixie helplessly said to the camera, “There’s nothing I can do. My brother has this kind of personality. Him appearing on camera is already doing me a huge favor.”

“Someone asked if my brother has a sister-in-law he wants to marry. Forget it, it’s none of your business. What are you thinking?” Lu Chixie continued.

“I don’t know if he’s single or what type he likes. Okay, fine, let me ask him.”

Lu Chixie’s gaze returned to Lu Jingshen, and with a mischievous smile, he said, “The fans are too curious. Brother, say a few words.”

Lu Jingshen asked calmly, “What should I say?”

Lu Chixie replied, “Anything, it doesn’t matter. They want to know what type of girl you like. One moment, they’re saying they love me, and the next moment, they want to be with you.”

Knowing that Lu Chixie was intentionally teasing him, Lu Jingshen still didn’t like that kind of joke.

Suddenly his closed-off heart seemed to open up in an instant. Wild thoughts broke free from their constraints and started to grow uncontrollably outward.

Images of Feng Si’s smiling eyes kept flashing before his eyes.

“I don’t like girls.”

Before he even realized what he had said, those words were already clearly recorded, along with his slightly impatient expression, all captured honestly by the camera.

Lu Chixie was surprised, raising an eyebrow. Although he intended to taunt Lu Jingshen, he didn’t expect him to say that on live broadcast.

Lu Jingshen was stunned for a moment after saying it himself. His heart was hanging high, and his heartbeat almost reached his throat.

Lu Chixie cleared his throat, trying to change the topic, but Lu Jingshen looked at him and asked, “is this broadcast public to everyone?”

Lu Chixie nodded, “As long as they enter the live broadcast room, they can watch it.”

Lu Jingshen closed his eyes briefly, forcing himself to relax and not pay attention to the surprised gazes of others in the room. He looked towards the camera, where Lu Chixie had pointed before.

“I…,” his hands clasped together, his thumb gently rubbing the back of the other hand. As he spoke this word, he paused for a moment before continuing with an effort to maintain a calm tone, “I don’t like girls.”

Behind  the camera, the program’s producers sent pleading glances to Lu Chixie. They wanted the show to be exciting, but it seemed to have gone too far. They were afraid that the live broadcast would get them into trouble later.

Some even thought about ending the live broadcast immediately, but Lu Chixie shook his head slightly, stepping back, not disturbing Lu Jingshen.

Various complex emotions surged through Lu Jingshen. He had never imagined that he would reach this point, saying such things in front of the camera.

But since he had said it, he couldn’t take it back.

“I like men.”

After laboriously uttering these words, Lu Jingshen suddenly felt like he had let go of all his strength.

He couldn’t see the barrage of comments on the live stream, nor did he know what others were saying. He forced himself not to think about it or look at the reactions of others in the room. He stared at the camera and continued, “The person I love is a man. I am gay.”

Saying the most embarrassing part seemed to break through a psychological barrier, making the following words easier to say.

Lu Jingshen’s mind gradually regained clarity in the midst of the blankness. He took a deep breath and made an effort to organize his words, “I owe someone an answer that’s been seven years overdue. If he can see this live broadcast, I want to tell him.”

His eyes flickered with sincerity, and even Lu Chixie had never seen Lu Jingshen like this before.

“Seven years ago, I met you in Africa. Those three months were the freest and happiest time of my life. You asked me if it was love at first sight for me, and I didn’t know or understand at the time. But now I know, yes, it was love at first sight for me. No one else can compare to you. With just one glance, I couldn’t forget you, and I dropped my guard to follow you.”

“But I was still too cowardly. I chose the worst and hurtful way to run away from you. Over these years, I often dreamed about you. The longer the time passed, the clearer the memories of that year became, and the harder it was to forget. When I saw you at the airport that day, I was genuinely surprised. I thought it was just another dream that I could wake up from at any moment. I couldn’t believe it was really you. I dared to dream, and you were the one who could make dreams for me.”

“But I didn’t know that you had been looking for me all this time. Changing jobs over and over again, traveling around the world, all just to find me. You always acted carefree as if nothing mattered to you, and you only mentioned once how sad and difficult it was for you. But I think the pain and torment you’ve gone through all these years are no less than mine. You just didn’t want to complain.”

Lu Chixie moved away from the camera’s view and looked at the barrage of comments. The densely packed words were almost indistinguishable, and the number of viewers was exponentially increasing. Although Lu Jingshen was not a celebrity in the entertainment industry and had been low-key all this time, he carried the aura of being Shang Xin’s CEO and Lu Chixie’s older brother. To publicly come out on a live-streamed variety show and confess to a man, this explosive topic was sure to attract people’s attention.

The producers were rubbing their hands together, excited, but also worried and anxious. Lu Chixie couldn’t help but laugh when he saw them.

He took out his phone and messaged Ling Zhuo, “We haven’t come out yet, but my brother just came out on my live stream.”

Ling Zhuo replied instantly, “I’m watching. Brother Shen looks very handsome. Really admirable.”

Lu Chixie: “…”

Yeah, he really was.

Lu Jingshen gently rubbed the leather cord on his wrist and continued, “You went through so much trouble to find me, and I knew I wanted you, but I refused to admit it. Selfishly, I kept you by my side as an assistant and bodyguard, enjoying your efforts without giving you anything in return. We were photographed kissing, and even though you were also a victim, I shifted the blame to you. I didn’t care about your feelings and denied the authenticity of the photos, denying your existence. I know you were really angry that time, but even so, you were willing to give me time.”

“When I went overseas to find you, I didn’t even think about what I should do. I could only rely on your face and attach myself to you shamelessly. Though you drove me away, you were still soft-hearted toward me. Clearly, I was wrong, but you still had to tolerate me in the end. I’m really terrible.”

“You told me not to punish myself by holding onto others’ mistakes, but I really did make mistakes. A psychological disorder is not an excuse to provoke and then escape. I can’t avoid responsibility for what I did wrong. It’s because you were willing to give me another chance that I can stand here today.”

……………

That afternoon, Feng Si had taken the students to a simulated flight training base. After the class ended, the students gathered in groups of two or three outside the convenience store, waiting for the school bus to pick them up.

Feng Si also bought a bottle of mineral water and checked the time while unscrewing the cap. It was a little past 4 o’clock. Lu Jingshen had said he would pick him up at 5:30, so he should be heading back to change his clothes by now.

Casually drinking the water, Feng Si recalled Lu Jingshen’s tone on the phone at noon, and a smile appeared on his lips.

He knew what Lu Jingshen had planned. It had been exactly three months, and Lu Jingshen intended to take him to meet his family officially, no longer just as friends.

That arrangement was perfect. Lu Jingshen’s psychological issues needed gradual treatment, and there was no need to announce their relationship to the world. As long as he was willing to admit their relationship to his family, it was enough for Feng Si.

As he was finishing the water, he faintly heard Lu Jingshen’s name mentioned along with phrases like “Lu Chixie’s older brother,” “live stream,” and “coming out of the closet.”

Two of the only four female flight students were standing outside the convenience store, looking at their phones while whispering. Occasionally, some male students curiously gathered around to watch, causing exclamations.

Feng Si walked over and asked them, “What are you watching?”

The more lively girl grinned and said, “Lu Chixie’s live stream. His older brother is the CEO of Shang Xin Technology. He just came out of the closet on Lu Chixie’s live stream and confessed to his boyfriend!”

Feng Si’s expression paused, “Can I take a look?”

The girl handed him her phone, and sure enough, the person on the screen was Lu Jingshen. He was sitting in his office, holding his hands together on the desk, clearly nervous to the point of being immobile. Feng Si felt his eyes welling up with tears.

His heart skipped a beat as he focused on the screen, listening to Lu Jingshen’s confession.

“You said someone once tried to pursue you and sent you roses for three months. You almost fell for him. I can do what others have done, not just for three months, but forever. I said I wanted to pursue you, but I didn’t know how. Luckily, you were willing to teach me. You’re a good teacher, and I want to be a good student. As long as you’re willing to continue teaching me.”

“I want to make you happy, to stop you from wandering around, to give you a home to look forward to every day after work, to let you feel the warmth and happiness of being loved and adored.”

“I’m sorry for making you wait for so long. I’ll make it up to you in the future.”

“And, the most important thing, I love you.”

As the girls looked up, they witnessed the May sunshine blossoming on their instructor’s face.

Feng Si handed the phone back, said, “You girls should go back to school. I’ll leave first,” and without waiting for their reaction, he turned and rushed away.