Deep Desire

Three months later.

After reading the report in his hand, the psychologist told Lu Jingshen, “The assessment results this time are quite good. The first treatment of the therapy is considered finished, and the effect is within expectations. How do you feel?”

Lu Jingshen couldn’t say for sure, but compared to three months ago, he no longer felt nervous and repulsed just stepping through this door. In that regard, he had indeed made a lot of progress.

“…It’s alright,” he replied.

The doctor continued, “Our goals before were to eliminate your reflexive fear of the past experiences and to alleviate the cognitive fear caused by those experiences. In terms of the former, you’ve made significant progress, and I think you should feel it most clearly. As for the latter, the treatment effects vary from person to person, and it takes time. Your progress is also considerable. If you still feel that it’s not enough, we can move on to the second stage of treatment later and target specific improvements.”

“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I’ve seen patients of all kinds, and Mr. Lu, you’re one of the most cooperative. Achieving the expected results in such a short time is already a pleasant surprise.”

Lu Jingshen nodded and hesitated before asking, “If I force myself to come out, does that mean I’m cured?”

The doctor replied, “coming out is undoubtedly a significant improvement, but the key is that you no longer have negative emotions about it and can truly face and accept yourself. Only then can it be considered a cure.”

Lu Jingshen breathed a sigh of relief. “I understand.”

After thanking the doctor, he got up and left.

As usual, Feng Si was waiting for him outside the door.

Facing the radiant smile of this man, Lu Jingshen felt a sense of relief. Being able to free himself from the nightmares that had troubled him for many years in just three months was undoubtedly thanks to the efficacy of psychological therapy, but more importantly, it was because of this person in front of him.

If it weren’t for Feng Si, he wouldn’t have reached this point.

Feng Si didn’t ask anything and spoke in a relaxed tone, “What do you want to eat for lunch?”

Lu Jingshen thought for a moment, “Congee sounds good. I heard there’s a seafood congee restaurant nearby that’s not bad.”

Feng Si said, “Sure.”

During the meal, Feng Si mentioned that he had to leave after a while. One of his friends was getting married that day, and he had to go be the best man. “Originally, I was supposed to help out in the morning, but I managed to push it to the afternoon.”

Lu Jingshen said, “You had told me earlier. I could have come alone.”

“Your issue is more important,” Feng Si didn’t mind at all, “What’s the rush? I’ll go after finishing my meal. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Goodbye.” In the end, he helped Lu Jingshen adjust his suit jacket and waved as he called a taxi and left.

Lu Jingshen could only accept it. After Feng Si’s car had gone, he drove back to the company alone.

Later that afternoon, until Lu Jingshen got off work and returned home, there was no further message from Feng Si.

Knowing that he must be busy as the best man, Lu Jingshen didn’t disturb him. His phone was placed in front of him as he absentmindedly read a book. At almost nine o’clock, Feng Si’s call came in, and he immediately answered.

However, the voice on the other end was unfamiliar, “Hello, is this Feng Si’s family?”

At 9:30, Lu Jingshen’s car stopped in the hotel’s underground parking lot. After getting out of the car, he quickly walked into the elevator.

The wedding banquet was already over, and the guests had dispersed. Hotel staff were cleaning up the venue. Lu Jingshen pushed open the door of the rest area and saw Feng Si sitting on a chair against the wall.

He was leaning his head down, eyes closed, and his face was visibly flushed from drinking.

Lu Jingshen let out a sigh of relief and walked over.

Someone came to apologize to him, a well-mannered man with glasses, explaining that Feng Si had been drinking on behalf of others during the wedding and got drunk.

“I’m allergic to alcohol and can’t drink, so it all relied on the groomsmen. I apologize; the relatives and friends were too enthusiastic, and he ended up drinking too much.”

The call just now was made by this person. Lu Jingshen nodded coldly and speculated that he was probably the groom.

The man apologized again, but Lu Jingshen ignored him and called out Feng Si’s name in a low voice.

Feng Si slowly opened his eyes, and his usually bright eyes seemed a bit confused. It took him a while to focus and see Lu Jingshen’s figure. He mumbled, “Alex, you’re here.”

Lu Jingshen looked at him and said, “You’re drunk.”

Feng Si nodded and lifted his hand to loosen his shirt collar, saying, “I drank too much…”

Then, in the next moment, he leaned forward and hugged Lu Jingshen’s waist, pressing himself against him and closing his eyes again.

Lu Jingshen’s body stiffened for a moment, and he placed his hand on Feng Si’s shoulder but didn’t push him away. He forced himself to relax.

Unable to move because of Feng Si’s embrace, Lu Jingshen took the opportunity to look around the room.

There were other people in the rest area. The groom returned to the sofa and was feeding water to another groomsman who was also drunk. Their actions seemed unusually intimate, even ambiguous.

Lu Jingshen furrowed his eyebrows and glanced around, noticing the bride sitting in the other corner of the room, taking off her makeup. She seemed to be talking quietly with a bridesmaid, leaning their heads together and occasionally touching foreheads.

The bride with the bridesmaid, and the groom with the groomsmen—two clearly defined couples.

Lu Jingshen seemed to understand something and lost interest in looking any further, withdrawing his gaze.

Feng Si suddenly smiled, opening his eyes and looking up at Lu Jingshen. “Are we leaving?”

Lu Jingshen nodded. “Can you still walk?”

Feng Si stood up, swaying unsteadily, and half of his body leaned against Lu Jingshen’s shoulder. “Then, let’s go.”

In the end, Lu Jingshen had to half-support, half-carry him into the elevator. The elevator doors closed, and Feng Si’s body pressed against Lu Jingshen’s back, and his voice, mixed with the smell of alcohol, penetrated his ear, “Alex, why did you come?”

Lu Jingshen pressed the button for the ground floor. “Didn’t you ask someone to call me and come pick you up?”

“I didn’t,” Feng Si pouted, “Maybe he saw that most of the calls in my call log were from you, so he called you instead.”

Lu Jingshen asked, “What would you have done if I didn’t come?”

Feng Si teased him, “How could you not come?”

Lu Jingshen didn’t say anything further. The elevator reached the ground floor, and he helped Feng Si into the car. The car drove straight back to Mingyue Bay.

As they collapsed onto the sofa, Feng Si reached out and pulled Lu Jingshen down, who had been about to pour him some water, into a hug. He embraced him with one arm.

Lu Jingshen fell into his arms, struggling to prop himself up. When he looked up, he saw that Feng Si’s eyes were much clearer than before. He asked, “Are you really drunk? How much did you drink tonight?”

“I don’t remember,” Feng Si leaned against the sofa lazily, closing his eyes a few times, “Red wine , white, beer… They mixed several types of alcohol together, and I had at least a dozen drinks.”

Lu Jingshen listened with some displeasure. “Why did you drink so much? Don’t be a groomsman next time.”

Feng Si smirked, “I don’t want to be either. They begged me repeatedly, and I reluctantly agreed. Who knew it would be so troublesome.”

Seeing that Feng Si’s face was still red, Lu Jingshen unbuttoned two buttons of his shirt and saw a glimpse of his collarbone underneath. Suddenly, the dry and hot sensation surged again.

He tried to change the subject, “Are they in a sham marriage?”

“You’ve figured it out too,” Feng Si scoffed lightly, “To please their parents. I advised them not to do it like this, but they didn’t listen. I’ve seen many such sham marriages, and they usually end up in chaos. Anyway, it’s not my business.”

If it weren’t for him being new here and the other person helping him out a little, he wouldn’t want to meddle in their affairs. Today, he considered it returning a favor.

Lu Jingshen lightly pursed his lips. He just suddenly thought that although this kind of behavior, pretending to be with someone else to hide one’s true sexual orientation, might be done out of necessity, it could be quite complicated in the eyes of others.

“I wouldn’t do something like that,” he blurted out.

Feng Si teased him, “Why would you do it? You don’t have to deal with family pressure, and besides, even if you wanted a sham marriage, you wouldn’t be able to find a partner. With the way you are.”

Lu Jingshen felt embarrassed. He had never even considered such a situation. It was just a spur-of-the-moment response, afraid that Feng Si would overthink things after tonight’s encounter.

“Do you ever feel insecure?” Lu Jingshen asked hesitantly. The idea of security seemed out of place when associated with Feng Si, but Lu Jingshen wasn’t sure. After all, he had made Feng Si search the world for seven years before finally admitting his feelings for him.

Moreover, he still owed Feng Si a formal confession, and they hadn’t publicly acknowledged their relationship yet.

As he carefully observed the expression on Lu Jingshen’s face, Feng Si’s eyes deepened, fixedly gazing at him.

Lu Jingshen felt a bit uneasy about this, and his voice sounded uncertain, “do you think it will work?”

Feng Si replied, “What if it does?”

Lu Jingshen gently held his hand, interlocking their fingers, and leaned in, their foreheads touching.

“Teach me again, how can I make you satisfied?”

“That’s something I can’t teach,” Feng Si reminded him, “You have to figure it out on your own.”

After a moment of contemplation, Lu Jingshen nodded. “Alright.”

“Have you figured it out?” Feng Si raised an eyebrow.

Lu Jingshen replied, “Yes.”

Feng Si smiled, “Alright, then I’ll wait and see.”

Lu Jingshen let out a sigh of relief, got up to pour water for Feng Si, and asked, “Do you want to stay here tonight? It’s already late.”

Taking the water cup, Feng Si stared at him, his gaze lingering on his face, “Are you inviting me to sleep over?”

Lu Jingshen replied, “…I didn’t mean anything else.”

He didn’t mean anything else, but Feng Si started to have some wicked thoughts.

Maybe it was the effect of alcohol, or maybe he had had enough fun teasing. He threw away all those stubborn notions about crossing the line and focused on the person in front of him, who wholeheartedly wanted to express his feelings. He felt an evil desire rising in him.

Putting down the water glass, he reached out and pulled Lu Jingshen closer. Feng Si knelt up and changed positions with him, pressing him down.

Before Lu Jingshen could react, Feng Si’s kiss had already landed.

Forcefully biting his lips, Feng Si’s tongue intruded into the gap between his teeth, mixing with the taste of alcohol and Feng Si’s breath. For a moment, Lu Jingshen was stunned before he hugged him tightly and passionately responded.

After several days without a kiss, and with Feng Si being drunk, his actions were not gentle, nor did he show any grace. The kiss was fierce and urgent, roughly exploring Lu Jingshen’s mouth, tongues entangling and teasing each other. Lu Jingshen was bitten to the point of discomfort, but he rubbed Feng Si’s head, fingers running through his hair, trying to sooth him.

Feng Si could see through Lu Jingshen’s conflicted expression, but he didn’t bother to explain.

In fact, as a person with his nature, he wouldn’t even consider something as elusive as “security.” If he wanted this person, he would find a way to tie him down.

But since Lu Jingshen misunderstood, he might as well let him continue to misunderstand.

Feigning a look of grievance and helplessness, acting pitiful and coquettish with Lu Jingshen, was something he always enjoyed. Moreover, seeing Lu Jingshen’s restrained appearance under him made him even more inclined to play tricks on him.

Of course, this kind of teasing was limited to the bed; there was nothing more to it.

At that moment, Feng Si was able to contemplate various things despite being under the influence of alcohol. He kissed Lu Jingshen while his hands continued to roam, brutally tearing open Lu Jingshen’s shirt buttons.

Lu Jingshen, who was trembling, hadn’t touched himself in months. His body had become so sensitive that he couldn’t handle it. When Feng Si touched him, a blazing heat erupted inside him, driving him almost insane.

Before Lu Jingshen completely lost his breath, Feng Si finally released his lips. His kisses roamed from Lu Jingshen’s chin down to his Adam’s apple and then to the back of his neck. He firmly left a mark at the nape of his neck.

Lu Jingshen felt like a fish on the verge of dehydration, barely able to open his mouth to breathe. He couldn’t even moan.

……

In the early morning, Lu Jingshen woke up, and Feng Si had already left.

He found a WeChat message on his phone saying that Feng Si had an early class and had returned to the university.

Lu Jingshen sat dazed at the head of the bed for a while, then turned off his phone and went into the bathroom to take a shower.

They hadn’t gone all the way last night, stopping at just using their hands to satisfy each other, but it had still been an intense night.

Under the hot shower, Lu Jingshen remembered Feng Si’s actions after getting drunk last night and felt somewhat uneasy.

After finishing the shower and coming out to stand in front of the mirror, he saw the numerous marks on his body, some faint and some darker. He couldn’t help but frown.

Luckily, they were all in places covered by clothes. However, when he turned his head and saw the reddish mark on the back of his neck partially exposed, he was instantly stunned.

He tried to find something to cover it, but after half a minute, his hand dropped, and he chose to give up.

Forget it, it should be what Feng Si wanted.

Feng Si had no idea about Lu Jingshen’s conflicted thoughts. At that moment, he was sitting happily in a taxi on his way back.

The talkative driver chatted with him along the way, “Young man, I’ve never seen someone leaving for work in the morning with such a smile on their face. Sending a message to your wife? Young people these days are so affectionate, they can’t bear to leave even after just stepping out.”

Feng Si put away his phone and smiled, “Can’t help it, the one at home is too clingy. If I don’t send him a message, he’ll start overthinking when he wakes up and doesn’t see me.”

The driver gave him a thumbs-up, “You know how to care for people.”

When he left home, Lu Jingshen ordered roses for that day, and he checked the calendar on his phone.

It had been three months since the day he started giving roses to Feng Si.

‘Then today would be the day’. Lu Jingshen thought to himself, he had to take this step eventually.