My Husband Turned Me To His Maid

"I'll give you everything that you wish for and more. Those you do not wish for, those you do not think you could ever have, I'll give you. I'll give you the whole world and all in it. I'll give you peace and joy if only you have faith and believe in me." I hear a voice assure me.

The voice is in my mind, I could not see it, I didn't know who it belonged to. But I assumed it was God speaking to me. It felt like he was speaking to me Or maybe it was my subconscious trying to make me feel less worried about the feeling of impending doom clouding my c.h.e.s.t.

If it was God and not just my mind as my priest would tell me during confession. Then where is he, why does he remain invisible, why doesn't he show himself so I could see him and acknowledge him. So I could be sure that he was the one speaking and not me loosing my mind.

Why doesn't he show himself to me so I could see him and be in his presence, hug him and cry on his feet till I can cry no more. Till I expunge this pain in my heart, the deafening sorrow and grief that I felt.

Everything hurts, my life, my body hurts, it has been hurting for a long time after my marriage to Cletus. He hurts me, beats me, abuses me, humiliates me. Still I continue to stay with him, I refuse to leave him for the sake of my love for him and the sake of my faith in God.

But how much more can my heart take before it explodes. Pain upon pain upon pain until my heart explodes from too much pain. Watching my daughter cry in sadness is what kills me the most.

Watching my daughter afraid is what breaks me the most. I love my husband but how much more can I take before all that remains is hate? How much time would it be.

I'm suppose to protect my daughter but how can I do that when I can't even protect myself. What kind of a mother am I? A mother who watches her only child suffer and get maltreated and still do nothing about it, a failure of a mother.

It is days like today when I seat on my sofa with my hands in my eyes and tears in my eyes that I ask myself if my faith in God was truly faith or weakness or maybe even stupidity. If my love was truly love or the devils scheme to ruin my life.

I kept asking myself so many questions but I got no answers. or...Maybe I did get answers, but chose not to speak of it, because I didn't want to blaspheme against god or to start thinking suicidal thoughts.

I kept the answers I seek locked up in my mind and my lips dared not utter them.

Whenever I am in doubt and afraid I hear this invisible person telling me it will be fine. Sometimes I am sure that it is my mind providing me with necessary comfort and it is all just deceit, just a way I've created to keep hope alive and to shut the pain out.

However, sometimes I do believe that it is God coming to rescue me from the devils trap. The devil who happens to be my husband.