Julius Caesar

"′If I got rid of my demons,

I'd lose my angels."

~Tennessee Williams

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]Dream Start[

" I sat across Father on the round dining table with Melendez between us in the biggest balcony of the mansion that was dimly illuminated by the dancing flames of candles, teasing the darkness of the night and creating a calm ambience.

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair as I watched Father unwrap the fork, spoon and knife from the napkin in slow elegance before his sharp eyes narrowed at Melendez as they began to converse.

I watched Melendez give Father a small smile, but I also noticed his shaking hands that he hid under the table, presumably on his lap.

I felt my chest tighten without reason and so I unbuttoned the first two buttons of my polo shirt with my annoyingly shaky hands.

I was so very nervous.

And it was maybe because Father said that this was important. That I'd learn a lot from 'this'. He said that I should focus on everything he did because it was my first time to participate in a meeting for 'Gorj'.

He said it'll be interesting.

I wiped my clammy palms on my denim shorts and exhaled slowly, trying to convince myself that I was acting like a coward. That I should man the hell up and not be a disappointment to Father.

"You know why you're here, Melendez?" Father started and clasped his hands as I watched him curiously. The way his eyes diverted away and then reverted back to his guest, the way the candle flames lit them darkly, and the way he tilted his head as if at complete ease.

Melendez sipped on his red wine and nodded subtly. He pursed his lips, then started talking in his deep, monotonous voice. His face was round with a shadow of stubble and his eyes were gentle but smart.

"Of course," he said. "-to celebrate the alliance with 'Sivvyx'."

Melendez then smiled at Father who raised his eyebrows as if amused.

"You got that right-" He then said, glancing at me and causing my heart to skip a beat. "Mostly."

Melendez began cutting into his steak with his knife and I felt my heart beat faster. Sweat beads managed to come rolling down the side of my face as my breaths seemed to run a marathon out of my mouth. I couldn't seem to breathe fast enough.

What was wrong with me?

"Son?" Father said, snapping me out of my trance. I looked at him. "Aren't you going to eat? You gotta get stronger. You just turned seventeen. Aren't I right, Melendez?"

Melendez chuckled, and I turned to look at him, my eyes widening.

I figured I was freaking out. The complete opposite of what Father asked me to do.

Be composed. In control.

I missed Mum.

I reluctantly picked my fork and knife and looked down at the steak in front of me. I pierced it with my knife and felt my insides turn upside down. I swallowed down the bile creeping up my oesophagus.

Focus, Julius. Focus.

"But I'm quite disappointed," Father started, dabbing the corners of his mouth with the napkin. "Why didn't Jordan himself join us? I mean he's the CEO-"

"He told me to tell you that he was busy and that he apologizes," Melendez interrupted with a slight smile. "That's why he sent me. As a representative of the company."

Father nodded slowly, eyes assessing the table. "Busy, huh?"

"That was what he told me," Melendez's voice broke a bit but I caught it. I wondered if Father caught it too.

Because it meant, he was lying.

I shifted again as Father slowly chewed on his food before lifting his gaze to Melendez's face that was alit by the candles' soft glow. He sipped more on his red wine.

"The contrac-" My father started but Melendez interrupted him. Again.

"About that," Melendez said. "-you haven't signed it yet. Jordan mentioned that you've seen it last week."

Father nodded. "Do you have it now? I couldn't have the time to read it properly."

"I do!" Melendez said excitedly. Way too excitedly. I found it odd. Unsettling. Couldn't he feel the night pressing down on us? Couldn't he not breathe right like me?

"Can I see it?"

"While we're eatin-?"

"Yes. Now," Father demanded calmly as I swallowed some steak.

Melendez shrugged and reached for a clear plastic folder from beneath him, which I guessed contained the contract. Father took it with a solid smile before slowly taking out the contract as I glanced at Melendez's shining, hopeful eyes.

Deep breaths, Julius.

Father examined the contract.

"It just needs your sign, Alexander," Melendez said, finishing his red wine, and I froze.

Father didn't like to be called by his first name. Especially, if it was by his inferiors. I glanced at Father who clenched his jaws but surprisingly did nothing.

"Hand me a pen, Julius-" He said suddenly, gently, and my eyes widened. He never told me to keep a pen nearby. I patted my pockets anyway, in hope of finding one, but the sound of tearing paper stopped me.

I looked up to find Father with two papers in his hands instead of one A4 paper. A big unharmed paper (A4) and a smaller one. How did he do that?

I glanced at Melendez who was gaping at Father. Father was grinning.

"Light absorbance, Mel-" He said with a smirk as he tilted his head towards Melendez slowly. "-it's not the same at the top and the bottom of the paper. I guess Jordan didn't tell you how I like dining with my candles, did he?"

I was staring at Father with immense fascination and anticipation. This was crazy.

"You thought I was a fool? You could've at least challenged me by making the whole paper the same thickness. But-" Father said. "-you decided that that was enough to fool me. Me. You wanted me to overlook the extra conditions you added in that way. You thought that I'd be too dumb for another way. Melendez. Truly. I'm offended."

Melendez wasn't saying a thing. He didn't need to say anything. What was there to say?

Father rolled his eyes. "I thought I was dealing with authentic people. I must say I'm disappointed too."

Count from one to a hundred, Julius. Calm down.

"You underestimated me," Father said slowly and Melendez shook his head.

"It was-wasn't my idea-"

"That's right," Father said immediately. "I know that. But a lesson is a lesson. Someone made a mistake, someone has to pay the consequences, Mel. This is how it works. Business. I have to make sure that this doesn't happen again, you know?"

Melendez's face screwed up in horror and I felt myself hyperventilate. Father then laughed, and with a quick movement, cobra-like, he struck the knife he ate the steak with at the back of Melendez's neck.

Only then did I realize that it wasn't really like my knife. It was sharper.

It could kill.

The horror of the situation made me lose my sense of myself. I saw his eyes roll back before his head dropped with his chin touching his chest. Blood stained his shirt and I almost ran away when Father talked in his silvery, calm voice. I was horrified.

"What do you think?" Father grinned as he ate up the last bit of his steak with his fork.

"You-You killed him?" I stammered.

"For the sake of 'Gorj', of course!" He said delightedly.

"You can get jailed! Didn't you think of that?!" My thoughts were incoherent. I was petrified. "I'll be- I'll be alone, Dad!"

Father laughed. "Don't worry about that. I got all that covered."

"Cover-Covered? What do you mean? You kill-killed-" My heart was hammering in my voicebox. I couldn't speak.

"This is another conversation for another time. You've got a lot to learn from me, Julius."

"Mum, she didn't kn-" I was shaking my head, choking on my tongue. "You're a murderer!"

"Your mum's dead. I'm not. So leave all that behind and focus on the future with me," Father locked my eyes that began to water in fear. "Welcome, to my world, son."

This was beyond horrible.

"And besides, today's your birthday. Your gift is a lesson. It's okay to kill for Gorj. Understood? There are more lessons to come," Father said simply and I shuddered.

I fell silent at how at ease he was. This, according to him was normal. This should be okay for me too.

"Now let's toast!" Father said excitedly, raising his glass of red wine. He glared at me, and I immediately picked my glass of water. I watched the water swish at the glass' lips with my shaky hands.

Father stretched out his arm and I did the same.

"To Gorj," Father said grinning, and I felt like puking.

"To Gorj," I croaked as Father's red wine clinked with my transparent water, like how his darkness forever stained my innocence."′

]Dream End[

My eyes snapped wide open to stare into my room's suffocating darkness. I exhaled loudly and sluggishly switched on my bedside lamp with shaky, numb fingers. I then sat up, placed my head in my hands as I exercised breathing slowly.

I always had that dream, an eight-year-old memory, surfacing from my mind's darkest memories reservoir whenever I slept stressed. I decided it was worth mentioning because it's a good way to start explaining who I am.

I slept the moment I entered my room which was around 10 pm after I killed Ricardo.

With a grunt, I got out of bed, swayed on my feet a bit, pushed my hair back with my right hand, pulled on a shirt and a jacket, and headed to the pub.

It was just 3 in the morning.

...

I lit another cigarette. Inhaled the smoke. Kept it in for a while, feeling its warmth tingle my insides before puffing it out. I drank two shots right away, squeezing my watery eye at its terrible taste. But that was okay. I'd soon go numb and my senses wouldn't matter much.

That was what I did on nights like those. It worked well for me; made me temporarily lose myself to the booze and the flashy lights, made me forget the guilt.

Except for that I hated the bar. I hated its liveliness. I hated what people came here for. Normal people who could've spent their time doing anything but dancing, humping and kissing like bloody animals.

I hated it because I envied their peace of mind. They didn't, for example, come here to forget a crime they have committed. They didn't appreciate their normalcy.

I hissed as someone bumped right into me before slurrily apologizing and giving me thumbs up. I chugged down one more shot and drowned in the deafening, upbeat music that wouldn't stop.

You know, I hate music despite Father's love for it. He taught me how to play the piano, guitar, violin, and so many other instruments that laid in a special room back at home. Father loved listening to my music. He said it made him feel that I wasn't a complete waste, that there was something I was good at. I should be honoured, was what he'd tell me as I'd play angrily.

In a way, he knew he was tormenting me. He enjoyed it.

He is disgusting.

Shutting my eyes, I knew I had a bloody Sam to think of. A whole other story. A whole other 'mission'. I'd ask myself sometimes when I wasn't too faded, how do I get away with all the harm I was causing? I was sure I had to pay. I was a murderer. Killing for Gorj was sure my motto but deep down, I knew it was so wrong. But I still went on.

I don't think I cared. Or more correctly, I didn't care to care. It didn't matter. I couldn't reverse what I did anyway. It was like I knew I was the worst so I couldn't possibly get worse.

48 hours, though? I opened my eyes, clenched my jaws and sighed in defeat.

I knew. I knew I was the same monster as my father. I killed people. I saw them as missions, no more.

I sighed and looked at the person next to me. A woman sitting, closing her eyes and swaying her upper body. I examined her closely. Her boobs that threatened to spill out of her dress if someone pushed her accidentally. Her big arse and plump lips. What was all that for? I mean hell, each boob was the size of my bloody face.

Again. I forgot why people come here. Mate attraction, mostly.

That was so not attractive.

I drew another breath from my cigarette and got up, feeling hazy enough to get me through the night, but not enough to make me vulnerable.

I walked to the back, pushing random, staggering people out my way. I then opened the door and welcomed the cool breeze. It was a relief after an hour of being in a place that smelled like alcohol, smoke, sweat, and hormones.

I dropped my cigarette, crushed it with my boot sole, and tightened my scarf around my neck. I assessed my surroundings before I finally stepped out of the shadows.

It was very cold and the ladies back in there were dressed in less than nothing.

I walked back to my Mustang, humming a song I hated, then pulled open the door before I almost immediately felt a cold hard thing at the back of my head.

Splendid.

"Close the door! And step away from the car!" A woman's voice rang in the depths of my ears and my eyes widened in shock.

I smirked and closed the door.

"Don't you dare move!" She shouted and I did what she asked.

I felt her hand travel down my back to where my gun was safely tucked in my pants as I tipped back my head with a smile. She took it out and I sighed.

"Turn around and raise your arms!"

I could tell that she was really inexperienced in this. She could get herself dead by playing with fire.

I burn. Usually.

I turned around and easily towered over her with a smile. Her dark hair was held high in a ponytail. The lower part of her face was covered in a bandanna while her eyes shone as she stood clad in a leather outfit, both my and her guns in front of her chest. I examined her fingers that arranged themselves around the gun and smirked at the black ring on her pinkie.

"You killed him, didn't you?" Her voice came muffled and I smiled more.

"Who exactly?" I said and her eyes widened.

She had really nice eyes. Cat-like, dark, and piercing.

"You know who!"

I chuckled. "Actually I don't. I tend to have several victims, darlin'-" I shifted closer to her, and she immediately moved alarmed by my motion.

"Don't move!"

I cocked an eyebrow, arms still raised.

"I didn't."

"You did!"

I looked at her curiously. "I think you got the wrong guy-"

"No, I didn't." She said, checking me out before she tilted her head a bit and narrowed her twinkling eyes. "It's been a long time, Julius Caesar." She said, lowering the guns and pulling off her bandanna.

I lowered my arms and grinned.

"Audrey Lionel. You almost got me right there. Next time take off that despicable black ring-" I said as she approached me with a playful smile before she pressed her lips to mine.

She then gently bit my lower lip and pulled away smiling. I watched her tongue lick her lower lip, before she punched me in my cheek, completely turning me off.

"What the-" I winced, bringing my hand to the side of my face.

"You never asked about me, Jay! For two whole weeks! I said I was going to London to get some shit done. I didn't say I was going to disappear!" She scolded, placing her hands on her hips as her ponytail fluttered in the wind against her flushed neck and face. My heart beat faster.

"You know I always miss you, Audie. I couldn't 'call' or I'd get myself tracked down by Father-" I dropped my hand from my sore cheekbone. " Besides, you were the one who insisted on travelling alone. Against my wish-" I started with raised eyebrows.

"But I told you I would be alright on my own," she said confidently. "And here I am! Proof to my words!"

"Well, you know how po-"

"Possessive you are about me. I know, Jay-" She whispered the last part. "But sometimes you gotta let go a bit. Trust the world on what you care about." She then frowned playfully. "Instead of getting mad about it and holding grudges. For weeks by the way."

I almost scoffed but decided to let it slip. "Well, you got lucky. And I am sorry." I then reached for her right hand which she gave willingly. "How did you know I was here though? It's like four in the morning?" I changed the topic, despite the bitterness I still felt as I raised her hand to my face. I brushed my lips against her knuckles before kissing them and letting her hand go.

"You weren't at my place so I guessed you were probably messed up like you usually are and was hanging out here with yourself at such time. And I couldn't be more right! Besides, it's where we met!" She beamed as if happy she figured me out. That was I guess another reason why I adored her. She understood me so much. I made no effort to explain myself or actions when I was with her.

And yes, we actually met here. It was another horrendous day, about a year ago. When I left the bar, I heard a scream in the corner of the street. I hurried to the source and found a guy trying to pull down her pants in a dark alley. Her shirt was ripped and her face was a mess.

I obliterated the guy. And I mean it cause I shot him in his dick. Guess he can't use it now. If he still lived, of course.

Anyway, I gave her my jacket. Drove her back home. She lived alone. I stayed with her that night. Helped her clean up. Patched up all her injuries. Looked after her. We then talked about it. She ended sobbing about it in my arms all night. My heart softened for her, I guess.

And that was the night when I surprised myself with the emotion I was capable of. I never thought I was able to actually feel anything but victory, lust, and anger. It was very refreshing.

Later we met more. I taught her self-defence. She never stopped amusing me and stealing my heart over and over again. I loved her deeply and found it so hard to believe back then because she was purity and I was darkness. She was light and I was blindness. We couldn't go together.

She was so valuable to me.

"Come here," I told her and she grinned as she got closer. I held both of her hands in mine, before letting them go and wrapping my arms around her instead. I felt her warm breath on my chest and smiled.

I pulled back, reached for her face, rubbed her earlobe, leaned in, and gently kissed her forehead. "I love you, Audie," I said simply and she grinned, her face lightening up.

"And when will I ever stop loving you." She said, sighing dramatically, and I grinned.

"Never. I'll never let that happen." I brushed back a few hair strands from her face.

"Mmm, I know." She lifted her face to look at me, and I almost smiled if it weren't for how her beauty distracted me.

"Let's get back to the car?"

"Yeah, sure, but you better tell me what your arse of a father did to you this time." She frowned slightly and I nodded, letting her go.

She tossed back my gun before we got into the car, and I drove to her house. I told her everything on the way.