Deep Desire

Lujing Shen’s breathing became more rapid. Fēngsì held the back of his neck and caressed it slightly.

Fēngsì lightly chuckled, “you look cute when jealous Alex”

He kissed Lujing Shen, first gently licking and rubbing his lips, then forcefully invading through the slightly parted lips, exploring every soft spot in his mouth.

Fēngsì’s kisses were always aggressive, and his breath and scent spread in Lujing Shen’s mouth, reaching deep into his throat.

That kind of kiss was like a raging fire, easily igniting Lujing Shen.

Between kisses, Lujing Shen struggled to open his eyes and stared at the pair of nearly close and slightly drooping narrow eyes in front of him, his heart pounding like a drum.

Suddenly, he recalled their first kiss. It was the same way back then, when Feng Si put out the cigarette and came over, catching him off guard. By the time he snapped back to reality, Feng Si’s bittersweet tobacco-scented breath had already invaded his nostrils.

Forceful and domineering, there was no room for him to refuse.

Back then, he willingly indulged himself, but now it was beyond his control.

“Are you daydreaming?”

Feng Si stopped and pulled back, licking his lips. ” Thinking about some other wild guy?”

Lu Jingshen deeply furrowed his brows. He didn’t quite like such jokes.

Besides Feng Si, he strongly rejected any form of romantic relationships with other men, so even if it was with childhood friends, he could cut them off mercilessly.

And with strangers, like the person who approached him at the sports club, he would just firmly reject them and walk away.

Even if it was teasing, he didn’t like Feng Si saying such things.

He reached out and pulled Feng Si closer, passionately kissing him again.

This time, it progressed further than before, mixing desire into their lip and teeth collisions, and the heat within their bodies kept rising.

Feng Si kneaded Lu Jingshen’s earlobe, sliding down to his ear and gently caressing his neck. Lu Jingshen let out a low gasp, his hands wandering on Feng Si’s chest, skillfully unbuttoning his shirt.

Then came the sound of metal clashing, the belt hitting the floor, and one piece of clothing after another being stripped away.

Sitting face to face on Feng Si’s lap, Lu Jingshen held his face with both hands, fingers gently caressing his cheek. That position made them even more intimate.

That position was what they used on their last night in Africa. It was initiated by Lu Jingshen. That evening, he had turned on his phone after three months and received a message from Lu Jingqing, asking when he would come back and if he wanted to see a doctor.

That was when he finally realized that even  a psychologist couldn’t help him; he was unequivocally homosexual, but he didn’t want to admit it or accept it.

Before he fell completely into it, he had to leave Feng Si, so he chose to quietly escape.

For the past seven years, he had lived peacefully. Occasionally, in the dead of night, he would think of those three months and Feng Si.

The shadows and nightmares from the past no longer haunted him, and even when his younger brother brought a boy home, though he found it hard to accept, he remained silent.

Other people’s affairs had nothing to do with him, as long as he himself wasn’t involved.

But Feng Si appeared in his life again, and his self-deception proved to be futile.

He also knew that if he couldn’t overcome his psychological barriers, Feng Si’s patience would eventually run out.

Just a little more time, that’s all he asked for…

Lu Jingshen clung to Feng Si’s neck, feeling his heat, his vision constantly shifting, keenly aware that he was being embraced and possessed.

If only this could continue.

He yearned for Feng Si with all his heart and soul, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it with a clear conscience. He loathed himself and despised this side of him.

He was a despicable person, and he had always known that, despite his proud and noble appearance, he had nothing but a despicable soul inside.

“Alex”

Feng Si’s kisses trailed up his neck, nipping at his chin before returning to his lips. “Stop daydreaming at times like this, just look at me.”

Sweat trickled down Lu Jingshen’s forehead, and Feng Si licked it away. Lu Jingshen stared at the man before him stunned, his eyes shining.

“Do you want it gentle or intense?” Feng Si’s voice was hoarse, the pause making it hard for him to endure.

Lu Jingshen struggled to speak, “whichever you want.”

“No, you have to choose.” Feng Si tempted him. “You have to tell me what you want.”

Lu Jingshen responded with another kiss, no longer suppressing his desires. “Intense.”

Even if it hurt, it didn’t matter. He liked being treated rough by Feng Si. Pain brought him more pleasure, and he wanted to feel dominated and possessed by him. He enjoyed that feeling.

Feng Si tightened his grip on Lu Jingshen’s waist, his voice tinged with raspiness. “Hold onto me.”

Lu Jingshen gasped tightly, clinging to Feng Si. Any other sounds he wanted to make all turned into fragmented moans.

Midnight had passed, and the still image on the projection screen had frozen long ago. Faint noises from outside the window could be heard.

Feng Si picked up his phone and checked the time, then turned to the soaked Lu Jingshen, smoothing his sweaty forehead, kissing his forehead, eyes, and nose, their lips meeting in a soft whisper, “Happy New Year.”

That was the first New Year they welcomed together.

Lu Jingshen was stunned for a moment and instinctively asked, “Is it midnight already?”

Feng Si replied, “Yes, it’s midnight.”

Seeing the brightness in Lu Jingshen’s eyes, he also said, “Happy New Year.”

Feng Si leaned down, rubbing their cheeks together. It was a rare moment without desire, and it felt pretty good.

Being with another person as they welcome the New Year was something Lu Jingshen had never thought of before, but today, it became a reality.

And that person was Feng Si.

After cherishing the moment, Lu Jingshen’s leg still hung around Feng Si’s waist. He rubbed against his waist and whispered hoarsely, “I want to take a shower.”

“What’s the rush?” Feng Si pressed him down again, his hands becoming restless. “It’s still early.”

Lu Jingshen’s breath was unsteady, and the blush on his face hadn’t receded. “It’s enough.”

It had already happened three times; doing it again would be too much.

Feng Si pinched his calf a few times, chuckled for a while, and finally let him go.

Lu Jingshen propped himself up and didn’t rush back to the bathroom. He picked up his phone and sent a WeChat message to Lu Chiexie.

Feng Si asked casually, “Is it your brother’s birthday today?”

“Yeah,” Lu Jingshen nodded, “How did you know?”

“He posted it on his Moments,” Feng Si replied, showing Lu Jingshen the Moments Lu Chiexie had just posted. “Your brother is quite interesting. Both he and his boyfriend are big stars, and they dare to flaunt their love so openly on Moments. They’re not afraid of it getting out and being exposed by the paparazzi. They just came out of the closet directly.”

Lu Jingshen replied, “…It’s just his nature, carefree and not concerned about others’ opinions.”

Feng Si looked at him and said, “Really? Why are you and your brother so different? If you were just half as carefree as him, it would be great.”

Lu Jingshen didn’t know how to respond, but Feng Si continued, “Never mind, you don’t need to be like others. You’re fine just the way you are.”

Lu Jingshen was taken aback, and the light from his phone screen suddenly brought his thoughts back. It was a reply from Lu Chiexie: “Bro, you’re still awake at this hour. Did you have a change of heart? Mom said you went to the resort last night and ran away again overnight. What are you up to?”

Lu Jingshen didn’t feel like replying, but Feng Si took his phone and sent a voice message on his behalf: “Your brother isn’t up to anything. Mind your own business.”

Lu Jingshen’s expression changed slightly, and Feng Si handed the phone back to him. “I took the liberty, sorry if that bothers you.”

Feng Si seemed to be unbothered by any possible repercussions, leaving Lu Jingshen with no way to deal with him.

Lu jingshen simply walked away leaving Feng Si behind and heading back to the bathroom, with Feng Si following.

“Alex, do you have any new year’s wishes?” Feng Si asked as they entered.

Lu Jingshen was brushing his teeth and glanced at him through the mirror before spitting out the toothpaste. He slowly said, “To make more money.”

Feng Si chuckled, “Is that all? Your wishes are really practical and unpretentious, just like a capitalist.”

“What about you?” Lu Jingshen asked.

Feng Si thought for a moment and said, “To find a wife.”

It wasn’t a joke.

He meant it sincerely.

Lu Jingshen finished rinsing his mouth and turned around to peck Feng Si on the lips, saying earnestly, “I wish your wish comes true.”

As he turned to leave, Feng Si held him back and said, “Alex, you have to work a little harder for my wish to come true.”

Feng Si’s gaze was unusually sincere, with a hint of anticipation in his eyes. Lu Jingshen felt a bit uneasy under his stare and mumbled a vague “Mm.”

Feng Si’s appearance always had a way of intriguing Lu Jingshen. He unconsciously said things that were both serious and flirtatious, doing things that unintentionally made his heart flutter. Amidst his seriousness, he exuded charm that made him unforgettable.

That was why Feng Si had been searching for this person for seven years, not just out of simple obsession but genuine affection. He really liked him, very much.

Pulling Lu Jingshen closer, Feng Si tilted his head and kissed his cheek hard.

…….

The next day, Lu Jingshen got up early, finding himself alone in the house once again. The living room, which had been a mess last night, was now tidy, except for his laptop left on the coffee table.

Lu Jingshen looked around and realized belatedly that Feng Si had left without saying a word.

He picked up his phone and noticed that there were no new messages, not even a WeChat message.

“Where did you go?” he messaged Feng Si, but before he could decide whether to send it, Feng Si’s call came in.

Feng Si’s smiling voice came through, “Up already? You’re earlier than I thought. Looks like last night didn’t tire you out too much.”

Lu Jingshen replied in a deep voice, “You’re quite energetic too, going out for a ‘friend gathering’ so early.”

After Lu Jingshen finished speaking, there was laughter from the other end of the phone. “Your words are so sour, Lu Jingshen.”

“Aren’t you?” Lu Jingshen retorted, glancing at the snow outside, “Even the snow can’t stop you from going out.”

“If you want to come with me, just say so. No need to indirectly jab at me,” Feng Si said. Then he joked, “Just kidding, I only went out for a short run and to grab some breakfast.”

Lu Jingshen hesitated and was about to hang up the phone when Feng Si asked, “What do you want for breakfast? Buns, steamed buns, pan-fried dumplings, youtiao, or noodles and soup?”

“Whatever, it’s up to you,” Lu Jingshen said vaguely.

“You can’t be so indifferent everyday,” Feng Si reminded him, “Don’t always say ‘whatever’ to me. When I actually ask you what you want, you are always reluctant. Just pick what you want to eat.”

Lu Jingshen seemed to be deliberately difficult, “Then buy everything.”

Feng Si asked, “Can you eat so much?”

“You asked me to choose, so I did,” Lu Jingshen replied.

“Okay, the boss’s word is final,” Feng Si said, no longer bantering with him. He hung up the phone and went into the breakfast shop to get some takeout.

As he came out, he saw a nearby flower shop that had opened early in the morning. He went over and casually bought a red rose.

Giving flowers between two men was actually a bit strange. Last time, he had offered flowers and was rejected by Lu Jingshen. But Feng Si felt that Lu Jingshen’s rejection wasn’t because of the act of giving flowers itself.

Most likely, it was because the flower he had given last time was borrowed from someone else.

The shop owner chuckled, “Young man, you’re just buying one flower? How are you going to impress your girlfriend like that?”

“It’s not for a girlfriend, it’s for my wife,” Feng Si said with a cigarette in his mouth. “One is enough.”

Lu Jingshen returned to the room after showering, and when he noticed that Feng Si hadn’t returned yet, he took his laptop.

New emails popped up in his inbox, which they received last night after going to bed.

Lu Jingshen drank his coffee and absentmindedly clicked on the email.

The photos slowly loaded, and they were taken secretly during the gay pride parade in France. It captured the moment when he and Feng Si were kissing in the crowd.

With a “clap,” the coffee cup in Lu Jingshen’s hand fell to the ground, splashing the hot brown liquid all over, even spilling onto his leg.

Lu Jingshen was unaware, staring fixedly at the photo, his heart stopping abruptly.