The Unnamed God. I'm really Not a God You Guys!

As I brave the foggy steam, I can feel my heart beating fast. Every beat pumping warm blood through my entire being. If I'm not careful it will definitely congregate in one area…

If anyone asks, I'm flushed red because of the heat. Yes, this isn't related in any way to the enchanting voice ushering us in! I finally reach the end of the corridor. I can hear the soft sound of flowing water, a bit of splashing too. 

My companion is already introducing himself. 

"Hello, there. A pleasure to meet you. I am the one and only Naked Emperor, the one that…" 

Of course as usual he goes on for ages with a nonsensical monologue. I can't help but gulp before taking the last steps. 

I can faintly see a small tranquil pond. On the side is an amazing fountain slowly gushing with hot water. It both looks quite basic yet exudes an artistic sense. Then I finally turn my head toward the body of water itself. 

There she is, the Water Queen. Long blue hair, a slight smile that doesn't show any teeth, she is half out of the water, her bare upper body visible in all its glory. She is even looking at us directly, not bothered by our gazes in the least. Even while she is standing, her breasts are resting in the water, thwarting the small water flow. 

There are none of the pesky magical light rays to ruin the fun. Except for once, I wish there were! Her smile not showing any teeth? That's because she doesn't have any! Her breasts resting in the water? That's because they are extremely saggy! She is so goddamn wrinkly too!

Yes, this Water Queen is a damn grandma! Does anyone have bleach? It's for my eyes! I feel both disappointment and slight anger. There go my dreams out the window. Can I cry? It is time for manly tears.

I feel like a man that received a visit from his favorite gravure idol for his birthday…only to realize that all the photos he had seen were extremely old and had been taken in her youth. 

"Would you guys want to join me in the pond? It's very comfortable you know."

I can't remain standing and crying. I take her up on her offer. I quickly undress and step into the hot water. This actually feels great. 

It reminds me of a better time, of a time where I actually owned a bathtub. A time where my only concern was which anime I'd watch while pondering about what I'd eat for dinner. The hot water is both relaxing and comforting. 

I fully submerge myself, feeling the reassuring warmth. I seem to be cutting myself entirely from this world. Simply enjoying the moment and reminiscing. I feel like I used to have a very simple life. I don't exactly remember much of it but at this point, I don't care. 

I emerge at peace, completely relaxed once more. So what if there is a naked grandma in front of me? I can simply look away, it's not the end of the world, far from it. 

Just as I have found inner peace, it all crumbles away. All because of something oh so very soft suddenly pressing against my back. On my shoulders, I can feel a delicate touch too. That is when I feel a slightly hot breath in my ear, a crystalline voice asking me….

"Master, should I wash your back?" 

Yes! Oh god yes! It takes me all my self-control to remain calm. I take the best poker face I can and simply reply. 

[You can do so indeed.] 

It is a good thing my lower half is completely submerged and that there is so much steam or…

I can feel her soft hands carefully caressing every sore muscle. Well, not that I really have any because of divine energy. Still, my physical body may not require it, but it is nourishment for the soul. 

I simply close my eyes and enjoy the moment. This place is great. So great. I can hear the Water Queen's melodious voice. 

"Make sure you knead all the stress there is everywhere. What about you, Naked Emperor? Should I get someone to tend to your needs too?" 

"Hmm, rather than a massage I want to talk about something important with you."

"Sure, I'm all ears."

"You see, after carefully taking notice of the surroundings of this city I have found a major issue that requires to be tackled."

"Ah? Seriously? What is it? I'll try my best to…"

I have my eyes closed but I know he is taking a grave and serious expression. I am sure of it simply from the time we have spent together. I don't even bother looking, I keep enjoying my disciple's ministrations. I'm sure he'll say something stupid again. 

"The people of this city are wearing clothes! This is unacceptable!"

"…"

"…"

[….] 

Yep, fucking knew it. 

"We need to quickly establish a ban on every possible article of clothing that could hide one's body! We need to do it as soon as possible too!"

"T-that, I can get you a few maids to serve you in whatever outfit you choose- or lack of."

"No! This is not about me! This is about the salvation of the people here! It is about something fundamental and way bigger than any of us, it is all about principles!"

I slightly open an eye and can't help but chuckle as I see her bafflement, how at a loss she is, and even a trace of annoyance.

"That…it is out of my power to do such a thing. There are 5 of us taking the decisions for this sect. I alone cannot do anything about it!" 

I'm pretty sure that for once she is glad about it. Seems convenient that she is simply helpless. Well, I do understand her. Could you imagine all the backlash she'd get for trying to pass such an order? 

Losing one's clothes in public is considered extremely shameful. There is no proud mage out there that will accept to bear such humiliation. 

"I see…then let me talk to them! This Naked Emperor will not give up so easily! I simply need to convince 4 of them and everything will be alright! I got this!"

He swaggers out of the bath proudly shaking his junk. Not bothering about anyone looking. That is when our host intervenes. She gestures with her hand and a small water elemental appears. It starts floating away. 

"It will guide you to the nearest head mage, one of the decision-makers. The convincing will be up to you. Good luck."

"Haha, perfect! Fear not! This naked Emperor is extremely persuasive!" 

He quickly leaves the place without even looking back. That is when I notice my host's smile. A very playful and lascivious smile. 

"Now, that we are alone. How about we have this disciple of yours switch to another kind of massage? One that will be very, very tender and comfortable. Don't worry, I'll guide her every step of the way..."

This sounds like heavenly music to my ears. That is when...