The Unnamed God. I'm really Not a God You Guys!

****(POV)

"This village is now under our control! Please cooperate or else…"

A villager comes forward: 

"Or else what? Also, what do you want cooperation with?"

"Y-you know! Cooperation means cooperation!" 

*Crunch*

The old guys keep calmly munching on their carrots. The sound clashing with the tense face of the would-be invaders trying to intimidate us. The tiny merchant taking the lead on their endeavor. 

"Wait a minute! Boss! Look there! That's the wolf! He's really here!"

Group 1 is looking at Wolfie with…greed? Don't tell me their target is…. oh, these guys screwed up even more than I initially believed. Yep, even I wouldn't dare to set my sight on him and I'm a goddamn rank 4 powerhouse! 

"Catch it! Quick!" 

But the villagers quickly block their way. 

"Wolfie is our esteemed guest here. If you want to capture her you will have to pass over our dead …"

"Alright! No problem! We'll be rich soon! Kill the old toads and let's quickly…"

The first mercenaries reach the villagers. Slashing their swords at them excitingly. Their faces red while grinning looking at their target. They don't even consider the weak obstacles to be an issue. Then they start dying. 

There is a moment of incomprehension. Their gaze becomes unfocused as their body reacts to danger which they themselves never expected. Some collide with their colleagues and are about to rage at them, but realize they are looking at beheaded bodies. 

A shower of blood gushes out and wakes them up real good. It splashes all over their cheap armor and into their eyes blinding them, thus causing even more confusion. Before they have even realized it they are all dead. 

The two remaining groups watch, blood having left their faces. Their mouths are opened so much that I could fit a whole acid ball in there. I almost feel like trying in fact.

"What about you guys, are you trying to hunt Wolfie too?"

"N-nonono! I'm not here for that at all! I come in peace! Peace I say! I am a fervent advocate of peace and harmony!  Colleagues always have to remind me to even hire mercenaries when I'm traveling. You know because I forget how dark this world can be at times! *Sigh* I just wish everyone could be as peaceful as me then there wouldn't be war in the first place!" 

Says the guy that ordered his troops to dispatch the other groups without even trying to negotiate. The face of the leader of this guy's escort clearly changes. Even he can't believe all the crap his boss is spewing. Still, he's obviously not about to disagree with him there. They are all nodding on the side. 

"Us too we are extremely peaceful! We hate when there is suffering, or blood drawn!" 

That is the guy that ordered his mages to send a deadly volley on his opponents. Yep, if there was a contest of shamelessness or idiocy, they would be very strong contenders. They don't even realize that we saw all that happened outside. Still, this might be fun. 

I act as if I had just remembered something. Exclaiming!

"Wait, so this group was invaders but you…are you the masseurs that we were awaiting?! Aren't you guys only supposed to be here next month?!"

I can see the gears turning in the merchant's head. Then he smiles brightly seemingly having found the solution to their predicament. Only then does he try to adopt a poker face. Way too late for that haha. Either he is a really bad merchant, or he is just too stressed to perform well under pressure. I know a few guys like that.

"Yes! Yes! Exactly! We were supposed to arrive next month, but our travels were way faster than we thought it would be!" 

"Aren't you guys living in the nearest village? What's that about travels?"

"Exactly! There weren't any! We simply give our clients longer deadlines so we never disappoint them! We are always early, never late!"

"Oh? Makes sense."

The dwarf is looking at me wondering why I'm messing around. Still, this seems fun. Before long a line of villagers is sitting on stools. Then the mercenaries have no choice but to start massaging their feet. 

They are doing their best to focus on their task. Their lives depend on it after all. Or so they think. They are still convinced they are "fooling" us. 

Now usually that wouldn't be that bad. What's a foot massage to keeping one's life after all? Nothing, right? Well, let's just say said feet are very wrinkly, corny, and especially smelly. To put things into perspective these villagers have been here for hundreds of years. 

Even with their battle prowess, they have been living as villagers. Them being hidden guardians doesn't change that fact. Whenever they remove their socks, it feels like an ultimate attack from a poison master. 

I can see them gag, retch, and stop breathing altogether while trying to keep a business smile. Then from time to time, an old villager will moan. Whenever that happens I the wannabe masseurs shudder in utter disgust. 

Sometimes I see one looking at his hands seemingly wondering if the stench will ever come off. Then some seem to be getting the idea of shutting their sense of smell with a strong odor. Fight the smell with the smell. 

There is one guy stuffing old cheese in his nose. One would expect it to be the worst idea ever…yet it works out for him. Seeing his example some do the same. This now turns into a very peculiar scene. Cheese weirdos massaging old people while smiling. 

It is so peculiar that many villagers can't help but start laughing. The dwarf is still looking at me annoyed. How can he not enjoy this?! 

I can hear him grumble under his breath… "I guess everyone copes with loss in a different way *Sigh*" 

How many times do I have to repeat myself? He's not dead! I'm willing to bet my left nut sack! The heroic one too! 

We spend a few days ordering them around. Let's just say this has been pretty, no very fun. But all good things must come to an end. The dwarf is returning to his mountain. As for me, there is something I want to get. It will be a present for when he returns. 

Why? I'm not dumb. No way in Hell I'm ever having that guy as an enemy! Befriend! Befriend! Befriend!