The Cuddle Pact

21

Trust.

In which Sebastian lets Mira in on his dark past.

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"AUNTIE MIRA!" AVERY GIGGLED, RUNNING AWAY from a fast-approaching Sebastian. "Save me!" she exclaimed loudly, a wide grin etched on her face with her eyes shining brightly. She was adamant on calling me auntie Mira and we all found it cute so I had no problem with it.

Before I could get to her, Sebastian swooped her into his arms and blew raspberries on her stomach. She shrieked with laughter and all I could do was watch them. It had been a week since his fainting incident, but the way he was carrying himself lately made me think he was entirely healthy.

"Can I have an apple, please?"

From the other side of the kitchen, Athena called out to her. "You just had your medicine, Aves. Give it another hour."

The frown dimmed the brightness of her face as she turned back to Sebastian with puppy dog eyes. "Then can we go take Jax out to the garden?"

He instantly looked to his mum who was staring at him with a raised eyebrow. Avery had been hyper all day and for such a small child, she had so much energy, which meant it was time for her nap. But if I learned anything about Sebastian, it was he didn't know how to say no to Avery.

Stepping towards her, he lifted her back into his arms. "Only for half an hour, Mum. Then she'll have her nap. Isla won't even know." When Athena remained silent, he took that as an answer and gave her a cheeky smile. "Great!"

The laugh fell from my lips before I could stop it, and she pointed the wooden spoon to me in warning. "You're meant to be on my side, Mira."

Holding my hands up in surrender, I smiled sweetly and curled my hand around the knife handle to continue slicing. We were making food for Sebastian's birthday dinner 2.0 a week later since it was the first time that everyone was free.

Upon finding out that Athena planned to make it all by herself, I jumped at the opportunity to help out since what better way to get to know my boyfriend's mother than bonding in the kitchen? We both loved cooking and it was a start.

Checking on the steak, I proceeded to finish the garnish Athena had started and my mouth watered at how good her pudding smelt. It reminded me of the apple pie my mother used to make.

"You're a phenomenal cook, Mira." She complimented as she tasted a sauce I made, placing the spoon in the sink after she provided me with a soft smile. "Thank you for helping me today, it's been a long time since another woman other than Isla has come here."

I returned the smile, winding down once we finished preparing everything. She poured both of us a glass of her best wine as we sat down on the sofa. "I enjoyed it, you remind me so much of my mother so it was really nice."

Her blue eyes softened and she placed a warm hand on my shoulder. "Thank you, darling, I'm guessing your mum is a chef too?"

Here comes the awkward part.

"She was when she was alive," her smile dropped and was replaced by a small frown. "I initially became a chef to feel closer to her, but I ended up falling in love with cooking like she did because she made me so passionate about it."

"I'm sorry to hear that she passed. I would've loved to have met her."

After that, Athena avoided anything to do with parents and I was grateful because the last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of her. I didn't always cry, but the closer it got to the anniversary of her death the more painful it got to remember.

When she left to make a call, I found myself heading towards the spacious garden where Sebastian and Avery were playing with Jax. The puppy ran across the grass once Sebastian threw the ball in my direction.

I kneeled down as Jax came to my feet, my hands petting him gently when I took the ball from his mouth. His soft fur brushed against my fingers and he yapped at me whilst wagging his tail. "Isn't he the cutest?"

He ran back to Avery as Sebastian pushed himself off the ground to approach me. Nodding with a breathtaking grin, his arms wrapped around my waist and he dipped his head to caress my lips with his. I got a taste of his peach and vanilla chapstick and I released a sigh.

"You taste good." I murmured quietly when we stopped, conscious that Avery was near. He chuckled and pecked my lips once more, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth.

"So do you." He knocked his forehead onto mine, lazily grinning as I peppered kisses across his face and felt his stubble under my fingertips.

I'm so in love with you.

The words wanted to roll off my tongue, but something stopped me from confessing to the man in front of me. I was never the first to admit to being in love, and there were so many possibilities I played out in my mind. Would he reject the idea? Tell me it was too soon for me to be that deeply in love with him? Athena saying that he didn't want the relationship to last had me attempting to build a wall between us because the last thing I wanted was to have a broken heart.

If he broke my heart, it would mean I'd lose him. I couldn't lose him.

"What's wrong?" he softly asked, his fingers touching the slight frown that dug into my face without my knowledge.

I forced myself to smile but I broke our eye contact so I could stare at Avery who was happily playing with Jax. "Nothing," I audibly gulped. "I'm just thinking."

It was evident that he wanted to ask more, but stopped himself so we could both join Avery. However, I knew he would bring it up later because whenever I seemed upset to him, he wouldn't let it go until he found a way to make it better.

Another quality of his I admired.

Before long, the rest of his family returned and we were having an early dinner. Taking a seat in between Kaia and Athena, I left Sebastian staring at me in slight confusion as he hesitantly pulled a chair across from me, besides Flynn.

Wyatt entered the room after washing his hands and proceeded to take his seat at the head of the table, stopping to lay a kiss on my head and Kaia's. The simple action warmed my heart because there the Harringtons were, making me feel like I was a part of the family despite the fact that Sebastian and I had only known each other for almost two months.

It feels like I've known him forever.

"This smells delicious, Thea," Wyatt commented as he joined hands with Athena, smiling at her and reminding me of just how much Sebastian resembled his father.

She gestured to me with a nod of her head. "Mira cooked most of this, she's very talented."

Everyone looked at me with smiles before they were quick to dig in. Avery was the only kid on the table since James was still a baby and on breastmilk so I had made sure that she had something that didn't require cutting, but Isla didn't hesitate to pile the salad on her plate, much to her dismay.

The smile made its way into my face before I could stop it as I scooped mashed potatoes on my plate. Kids had to be the cutest and I couldn't wait until I could have a family of my own.

"Mum, Mira." Flynn received our attention. "I honestly expect this same treatment when it's my birthday."

Sebastian laughed beside him and took a sip of his beer. "Your birthday has already passed, mate." He pointed out with a shake of his head. "You're going to have to wait until next year."

Flynn rolled his eyes and continued eating as Sebastian's eyes met mine. We simply stared at each other and my heart began to race when he gave me an unsure smile. Fuck, he's beautiful.

I disconnected our eye contact when he asked me to pass the mashed potatoes. He held onto my hand longer than the action needed, pulling back with a knowing smile. Of course, he knew he could set my whole body alight with just one touch.

My cheeks heated and I brought my champagne glass to my lips to hide the almost sour expression that wanted to climb onto my face at the reappearance of the thoughts that plagued my mind earlier.

Quickly checking the time, I saw that it was approaching 7 o'clock and I knew it was nearly time for me to leave. Sebastian was staying the night at his parents' house, but I decided I could go without cuddling this time because either way, I wouldn't be getting any sleep.

So finishing my food at the same pace as everyone else, I announced that I had to leave once creating an excuse with Ada. When I reached for my plate, Athena waved me off.

"The men will clear up, but can't you stay a little bit longer or maybe the night?"

I shook my head and ensured not to make eye contact with Sebastian since he would see right through my lie. "I wish I could, but I forgot I had to help my new roommate move in."

Athena frowned but nodded and I proceeded to say goodbye to everyone. Sebastian wasn't satisfied with the simple bye and stood from his chair to follow me out of the dining room. He was hot on my heels and his hand hooked around my wrist and he stopped me from walking towards the door.

"Hey," he softly murmured, taking me into his arms to lay a kiss at the corner of my mouth. "Since when were you getting a new roommate?"

"We've wanted to get one since Nate moved out. It's getting hard to afford the place with just the two of us." I started. It wasn't a lie since we were looking for a new roommate.

He slid his warm hands under my shirt, squeezing my waist as he pulled my body flush against his. We were so close that I could feel his heart beating a tattoo into his muscular chest. "You know I won't feel some type of way if you need financial help. I'm here for you too."

It was sweet, but I felt like I couldn't accept any more financial help from him since he was helping a lot with my restaurant and I couldn't give anything back. He was doing it out of the goodness of his heart and never complained. I guessed it had to do with the fact that anything he gave me wouldn't 'make a dent in his bank account.'

My hands were still limp by my side and he leaned in to kiss my unmoving lips. "Did I do something to upset you?" he questioned, dark eyes staring into mine intensely.

If I was sure of one thing, it was that keeping things in would be detrimental in the future and if I wanted him to be honest with me, I had to make the first move. "Yes, I overheard your conversation with your mum at the hospital."

My words blanched his face and his mouth parted in silent shock. He stepped back from me, taking his hands off me as if I burned him. "Trust me when I say you don't want to know." His voice was shaking and before he shut his eyes tightly, they went cold and hard, like the man in front of me wasn't the one I fell in love with. "So don't push me to tell you."

My eyebrows drew close in confusion at his snappy tone and I licked my lips. "So you're completely fine with keeping secrets from me?"

He opened his eyes and they were back to normal as he pulled at his collar in discomfort. "Yes." He said in a certain tone. "And I'm not sorry about it."

My eyes widened and I shook my head in disappointment. So much for being honest with each other. "So that's how we're going to be? I know you're not ready to open up, but if you feel like you can't trust me, then we should've just stayed as friends. You shouldn't have told me how you felt unless you're serious about us."

He remained silent for a moment and once he acknowledged what I was insinuating, his eyes hardened with disbelief. "We both know that we were never meant to be just friends, so don't give up on us just because we're not seeing eye to eye right now. I am serious about us."

I was slowly getting frustrated. "You're the one not giving me a chance to really know you. I made it clear that I'll always stay no matter what, so what exactly are you afraid of, Sebastian? Why can't you see that you can't push me away? You know me inside out and yet I barely know everything about you."

His shoulders dropped and for the first time ever, I could read him without him telling me what he was feeling. I thought that it would be the start of him opening up to me, baring his soul to me because he finally realised that my feelings for him extended deeper than a like or infatuation. His nose twitched like it did when he was about to cry and I was shocked into silence when he blinked harshly. "Don't keep your roommate waiting." He took his car keys from his pocket, handing it to me. "Take my car."

Knowing he wasn't going to tell me, I couldn't even spare him a glance when I reached for my jacket, opened the door and left the house. He deepened my worry since if the secret wasn't that bad, he wouldn't have acted like that. He had to stop pushing me away.

I was surprised that I was so dedicated. I wanted to be with him so bad, he was different from all the other previous boyfriends. We were equals and he constantly made me feel like I was on top of the world every time he looked at me. It was why I fell so quickly and so hard. He captured my heart and my soul yet all he had to give me was the title of 'boyfriend'.

I had to figure it out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I stared up at the ceiling as I hugged my covers close to my body, feeling lonely without his arms around me. It was nearing 2 a.m. in the morning and I hadn't caught a wink of sleep since I came to bed four hours ago. I had become so dependent on the Cuddle Pact that I didn't consider the possible events of not always having someone to cuddle with.

Before I could dwell on it for any longer, the sound of my phone vibrating disrupted the relaxing silence that consumed my room. Seeing Sebastian's caller ID, I hesitated for a moment before picking up the call.

"I can't sleep without you anymore." He confessed with a gentle tone. "You make it all better."

"Make what better?" I questioned curiously, guessing that I probably wasn't going to get an answer and made a mental note to stop being intrusive because he was determined to keep me in the dark.

A few minutes of silence passed and I almost hung up when he spoke with a shaky voice. "I get bad nightmares most nights. It's not that bad when I'm with you. I needed the Cuddle Pact just as bad as you did. It's why when I started developing feelings for you, I started staying with you the whole night."

I sighed and dragged a heavy hand down my face. "I hate arguing with you, Sebastian. This is not what I thought our first argument would be about."

"Me too, pumpkin. Can we meet somewhere? I'll answer all your questions."

My eyebrows raised in surprise. "Are you telling me because you want to or you feel bad?"

"Baby," he sighed tiredly. "Just meet me at my office."

As quietly as I could without waking up Ada, I changed out of my nightwear and brushed my teeth before I took Sebastian's car keys and my apartment keys to lock the door behind me. The ride there was silent, as expected.

When I arrived at his building, his car was parked in front of mine and once he realised I was there, he exited the vehicle at the same time as me. No words were exchanged before he stepped into my personal space and locked our lips.

His kiss was almost bruising and my hands pressed against his chest, but only to pull him closer. The cotton of his shirt felt soft under my fingers and his scent consumed me until I was high off him. Breathlessly pulling back, he linked our hands and lead us into the large building once he unlocked the door.

We entered his office and the lights turned on as soon as we did.

"I want to start by saying I do trust you," we were sitting facing each other on the sofa, and he kissed my knuckles softly. "You're so fucking precious to me and I feel so happy when I'm with you."

I watched him in silence, seeing how he was preparing himself to answer my questions by taking deep breaths. Wanting to build into it, I started with, "When did your nightmares start?"

He gnawed at his plump bottom lip. "Six years ago. During the year I lost all contact with my family. I thought I could handle them and that they would eventually go away, but they starting getting worse at the start of last year. I sometimes take medication for it, but sometimes I don't because they're a reminder that I'm such a fucked person."

The frown instantly appeared on my face and I instinctively touched his face, my thumb caressing under his dark eyes. Eyes that looked like they were trying to mask the pain. They had darkened considerably and looked like an abyss with even darker secrets. And before I could protest, he continued.

"I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 23 and I've been punishing myself ever since." He was becoming hysterical and the wall he was trying to hold up crumbled right before my eyes. "I was so fucking stupid and I hated myself for a long time. I broke up with my girlfriend at the time—it wasn't like we had a promising relationship, it was only sex to me and I didn't want to hurt her because it would make me feel sick if I tried to make anyone feel like I felt." He exhaled and it almost resembled a whimper.

He stopped and tore his hands from mine, standing up on trembling legs to walk to the ceiling-to-floor window and stare into London at night. I figured he needed space in order to tell the rest so I remained seated on the sofa.

"I couldn't face my family for a couple more weeks so I buried myself in books because I couldn't turn back to the alcohol once I was clean. My company rising made me feel better about myself, but I still felt like I didn't deserve the success and I thought about dying every single day."

My heart shattered in two and the gasp fell from lips. He still wasn't facing me, but his shoulders were beginning to shake and his breathing was becoming laboured.

"And then I remembered that it would be too easy if I just ended it. I'd make a mockery of someone who meant the world to me. Someone I was supposed to protect. Avery being born was a sign, I thought. A thought that I could maybe move on from the horror of it all because when I held her in my arms for the first time, it was like my life finally had a purpose again. There was an addition to my family and they showed me they cared about me, which eased my guilt."

"Why were you feeling guilty?" I inquired quietly, my hands yearning to comfort him. I rarely saw him in this state since he was so good at hiding his emotions from me, and despite the power the office exuded, he seemed like a broken and frail child compared to the greatness of it all.

He ducked his head and released a groan as he rubbed at his eyes, no doubt irritating the skin. "Mira, promise me you won't leave me." His head turned to me, but I could only see the side of his face. Red and wet cheeks. "You're the best thing that's happened me to since Avery and I need you."

I stood up, making my way to him and wrapping my arms around his trembling body from behind. I pressed my lips to his shoulder blade. "I promise I won't leave you. I won't run for the hills. I'll stick by your side."

He turned around and his eyes were bloodshot as he roughly cupped my face with his large hands, swallowing the gasp that came from me when his lips came down on mine. After quite some time, he stopped the heated kiss, pressing his back to the window gently.

And when he spoke, it was barely a whisper, but the shocking words were clear to me and I couldn't stop the way my heart dropped to the floor.

"I killed Cade."