Ep.17: Use Me Whenever You Must.

Cassadin didn’t say anything. He just kept his face buried in my neck, breathing softly.

His heartbeat, which felt like it would never calm down, gradually regained its steady rhythm, but he still continued to stay in my grasp for a while, even after that.

And it wasn’t until the carriage arrived at our house that Cassadin slowly pulled away from me. The spot where Cassadin had held my wrists had a defined red mark.

When I rubbed my wrists after getting off of the carriage, Cassadin stared down at my wrists. After what felt like a long silence, words of apology left his lips.

“I’m sorry, Sister.”

Cassadin’s slender eyelashes cast downwards again. A shadow cast over Cassadin’s face as he turned away from the moonlight, and his expression showed that he didn’t know how to take in this situation.

“Why don’t we talk a bit before we sleep?”

Cassadin gave a timid nod to my suggestion.

I brought him to my room, and after sitting him down on a chair, I started brewing tea. Since it was late into the night, and I assumed Cassadin might feel uncomfortable enough to leave if I called the maid, so this was my own way of showing him consideration.

Finishing the brew, I placed tea leaves in the teacups. Then I put down the two hot cups of black tea on the table. Cassadin merely looked down at the cup in front of him, not uttering a single word.

The lamp wasn’t on, so it was only the faint moonlight that illuminated our surroundings. And I patiently waited for him to talk. But he didn’t open his mouth once, even until the steam rising from the tea disappeared.

“Cassadin.”

Once again, I was eventually the one to start the conversation.

“The tea got cold.”

I spoke as I brought the cooled tea to my lips. The tea I brewed was tasteless compared to the tea Sasha brewed. The aftertaste was bitter, and it seemed hers tasted better than this. I wasn’t sure if it was because the current situation was so awkward.

After taking a sip of the tea, I looked at Cassadin, who was still persistently remaining silent. But it was only then that I realized something.

In the midst of the dark aura he was giving off, Cassadin’s shoulders were shaking faintly. He was still anxious. Was it the fear and anxiety about his real identity being revealed?

Well, it was understandable that he would feel as such, considering that the past he struggled to hide so much had been exposed. As I had never been in his shoes, I couldn’t understand the full extent of his feelings.

But one thing was clear. If I were Cassadin, would I have kept the only person who knows my identity alive? The answer was ‘no.’

That was why I felt sorry for Cassadin, my younger brother.

The fact that he didn’t kill me after being treated less than livestock and living only for revenge.

Without his mask, Cassadin seemed unstable, to the point that he could dissipate from this place at any moment.

Then I pointed at my teacup, where the tea leaves were floating.

“Look at this, Cassadin. Let’s say that this tea leaf is you, and this tea is the life you’ve experienced.”

“…?”

With a puzzled expression, Cassadin switched his gaze between my face and the hand holding the teacup. Smiling back at him, I then held the teacup’s handle and shook it gently.

Even though I only shook it lightly, the still surface of the tea became a big wave, threatening to swallow the thin tea leaves.

“Let’s say these waves are the hardships you’ve experienced.”

Swaying helplessly along the relentless waves, the tea leaves seemed dangerously close to sinking. Just like the current Cassadin.

I put the teacup back on the table. Then, just like that, the waves that were about to engulf the leaves disappeared completely.

The tea leaves that had been at risk of sinking just a moment ago were also the same. The thin leaves were still floating on the surface.

“Even trials that seem endless all have an end.”

“…”

“So you don’t need to worry so much. The things that are making you suffer will also disappear one day.”

It wasn’t something that I should say while still trapped in the past called Damian. Then I gave a resigned smile. What I was telling Cassadin right now was outright hypocritical.

In whatever way he interpreted those words, it caused a faint glimmer to appear in Cassadin’s eyes. In those eyes was an entanglement of faint hope that felt fragile enough to crumble spontaneously, and anxiety that was ready to devour it at any chance it was given.

From the moment I brought him in, I decided that I would give him whatever he wished for. Because that was how I could achieve my own goal.

If it meant that Cassadin would become my loyal blade, brutally trample over a worthless bug called Damian, and go to war in place of my beloved father, I was prepared to do anything.

But I still had to tame him since he was still like an untamed wild beast.

“Cassadin.”

I rose from my seat and approached Cassadin, who was quietly staring at my teacup. Closing the distance between us, I wrapped my arms around his muscular shoulders without a moment’s hesitation. Then I felt his body flinch and shiver.

“You don’t need to feel anxious.”

“…”

“I won’t say anything, even if you lie as usual. And…”

I whispered softly into my pitiable younger brother’s ear.

“Don’t forget that no matter your past, you will always be my family.”

“…”

“Use me whenever you must. If you have something you want, I will fulfill your wish, even if it means dirtying my own hands.”

Cassadin, who had been showing no reaction, suddenly straightened up at my final words. And with a thunk, the chair fell weakly to the floor. Thanks to that, my efforts to wrap my arms around his shoulders went in vain.

From his tightly shut mouth, a voice infused with exasperation seeped out.

“Just why would you say such…”

Trailing off, Cassadin stared at me with an indescribable expression. He looked as if he had just heard something incredibly foolish.

“Do you even understand the meaning of what you’re saying? You… woman.”

Cassadin didn’t call me Sister. And that’s when I realized he never once truly considered me his sister.

“I would have understood if you cursed me, saying I’m a lowly slave who’s an ungrateful bastard who dared to take for granted the mercy bestowed on him.”

Then a twisted smirk appeared on Cassadin’s face as he said this. His narrowed eyes that were glaring at me seemed like they were trying to find some sort of fault in me.

But the more he did so, the more I felt pity for him. It felt like he was a human who had become a beast in order to survive. In such a state, it was natural for Cassadin to refuse any dependence on anyone, including me.

“Why don’t you blame me? Why don’t you blame or punish me for trying to harm you? There’s no guarantee that I won’t do it again.”

If Cassadin really wanted to hurt me, he would have done so a long time ago. He was the one who strolled through the heavily guarded palace like it was a walk in the park. And it was unnecessary for him to mention dying wishes and such in the carriage as well.

The month I invested in Cassadin was not in vain.

He was already immersed in me. The reason why Cassadin was acting so aggressively despite that was one of two things. Either Cassadin himself was not aware of this, or he didn’t want to acknowledge it.

“What you did can be considered something that I also did because I was the one who brought you in and accepted you as family.”

I easily brushed off his attacks. Seeing that, Cassadin looked at me with widened eyes, seeming to be at a complete loss for words.

“If we’re judging right or wrong here, then my wrongdoing is greater. I’m the one who has slashed open your wounds instead of tending them.”

I smiled bitterly.

“I’m sorry. Cassadin.”

Hearing my apology, Cassadin turned away, as if he couldn’t bear it anymore.

“Are you leaving?”

Still having his back turned to me, Cassadin answered my question in a small voice.

“…yes.”

Without looking back, Cassadin basically fled from my room. It was the exact opposite situation from when Cassadin visited my room each night under the excuse that he couldn’t sleep from his nightmares of the people he slaughtered.

I took one glance at the table where the two teacups sat, then pulled the bell next to my bed. And soon after, Sasha entered my room.

“Prepare some bath water.”

“Yes, Miss.”

“And…”

I paused mid-sentence and glanced toward Cassadin’s room. Then I gestured for Sasha to come closer, just in case. With a curious tilt, Sasha leaned in closer. I whispered into her ear as if telling her a secret.

“Find out what happened to Grand Duke Damian. Also, look into the Hyran Kingdom that was destroyed eight years ago.”

“Understood, Miss.”

With her quick wit, Sasha nodded her head, her brown eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. Seeing her reaction, I let out a small laugh and asked,

“Do you want more jewels?”

“Miss, please don’t do that. I’ve already gotten an entire jewelry box last time.”

Sasha shook her head vigorously. And it wasn’t just her head, but her arms as well.

“I-I’ll prepare the bath water right away.”

Sasha must have been worried that I would hand her more valuables, as she bowed her head and darted out of the room like an anxious squirrel.

‘She’s a smart cookie.’

After washing myself with the bath water Sasha prepared, I changed into comfortable sleepwear. Exhausted after the affairs with Cassadin, I was overwhelmed with drowsiness as soon as I laid down on the bed.

But just as I was about to close my eyes, I felt a presence lingering outside my room.

The person paced around my door for a while before finally making up their mind and lightly knocking on the door.

Knock, knock.

“There’s something I have to say.”

Cassadin’s deep voice echoed like the abyss.