Suicide Mentor

#7

I was lying on the grass at the river bank with Miya doing the same next to me. We were both looking up at the sky while talking. Every now and then Miya would point at a cloud and told me what she thought that looked like. Many things she said were basically something to eat. If it were a normal girl I would have thought 'man this girl is just obsessed with food'. But for Miya, I knew it was because she had genuine hunger. Eating was a basic human need that was not being fulfilled satisfactorily for her. I did treat Miya to a nice meal every now and then, but as much as she looked like she was in heaven in those moments, she was so disciplined to not to make it into a habit or a routine. And for every meal I bought for Miya, she would buy me something after she gets paid from her cleaning work. I knew this was difficult for her so I too became very careful at treating her with something. What she would share with me in return will always be greater than what I could give her in terms of its relative value in each of our lives.

"So, why do you want to die?"

Miya asked me this question for the first time since we've ever met – maybe it was about the time we start to talk about these things and put my suicide plan into motion?

"You've never asked me that before. Does this mean you will also tell me why you tried to kill yourself before too?"

"Not quite. I won't tell you that, but if you tell me why you want to die, I will tell you something else later"

I was intrigued.

"Well, in essence, there was nothing I could do about living my life. I was born without a choice, I just kind of tagged along with what was 'normal' for everyone. I studied like what my parents ordered me to. I go to school like every other kid. I eat, I shit, I sleep. It feels all meaningless and it feels like I'm doing nothing out of my own will. I feel empty inside. There is no passion for anything, no motivation, no plan for future, no desire. Then I realized the one thing I can do is to end my own life, by my own choice and action. I could not choose to live, but I could choose to die"

"That's it?"

"Well I could say more, but that's the essence"

"Man, that's lame as fuck"

"I thought you would understand, or at least try to, out of all people", I was a little irritated

"Basically you are living a normal life, which would be a blessing for some people like me, but not me specifically though as that's not what I want, but you surely know that many people in this world would love to live the normal life you dread now"

"I do understand that yes. But the fact that other people want what I have does not automatically mean I should enjoy what I have, especially if it happened without my choice in the first place"

"Tell me, is this all just philosophical or something actually happened in your life that made you want to die?"

"You mean like a tragedy?"

"Yeah. After spending some time with you, to me you don't look depressed. You don't look like you are suffering. You don't look like every day is painful for you. You just look like you have no will to live, which is quite different from wanting to end 'suffering' or leave behind something that is too painful to bear"

"You are right. I could say various things happened that made me lose my will over time, but no, it wasn't a singular event that killed my hope or anything. Heck, I don't even know what I ever hoped for in the first place"

"I think there may lie one of your problems"

"What do you mean?"

"To kill yourself, to actually carry out the act to the extent it is successful, you need a great resolve. Suicide is completely against natural instinct to live. Any hint of hesitation or uncertainty will lead to failure in your attempted suicide, because your body somehow fucks it up at the last minute"

"You may have a point. But you also tried and failed?"

"I'm different. I did what I did correctly. It's just that I was interrupted by other people. I actually carried out my act to the full extent, like cutting my wrist or hanging myself – I fucked up the hanging though I have to admit"

"How?

"I'm too light to instantly break my neck with my own weight by kicking the chair below. I'm too light to be pulled with as much force as, say, a fat person might be, while hanging on the noose, it does not tighten up as much, which results in slower suffocation"

"Right"

"But I did fully intend and commit my act to die back then though, it's just that I was not successful"

"Well, so did I, except that you turned up to pull me down"

"No, you fucked up because you were hesitating"

"How?"

"I saw you. You were standing on the fence for a while, with your arms stretched out. You didn't jump as soon as you could or should have"

"I was just taking in my final sensations"

"Exactly, you wanted it 'just one more last time'. You were not ready to die"

"Isn't it normal though to have one final thought before you snuff your life out though?"

"Yes, and it is in that one final thought your doubt creeps up on your body, maybe even if you don't realise it consciously. It does something to your body which makes it hard to carry out the act fully, like people slitting their wrists not deep enough, taking too long to jump to the point that someone comes to interrupt, etc"

"How can I overcome this doubt then, master? Please enlighten me"

"I will tell you something else"

"You are avoiding my question?"

"No, there is some answer for you in my story"

"Ok, go ahead then"

"Did you ever wonder why I live?"

"Huh?"

"You see that I've tried many times to kill myself, seriously tried. But I have stopped trying, and now I'm doing what I can to continue my life. I have a small job to earn a bit of money, I have one luxury I enjoy in my life which is smoking. I hibernate in my lodge so that I can survive with less food. Surely you know by now that I am actually doing quite a lot to keep my life?"

This caught me by surprise actually. During all this time, although I was looking forward to talking about these stuff with Miya, I have actually not thought about why Miya is going through so much to continue her life – it was almost as if it was totally normal, or let's say natural, for someone to do their best to survive, even against the hardships one has to endure for it everyday. This was extremely stupid of me – why did I take it for granted that Miya wanted to live while I was fixated on death myself?

"Sorry, to be really honest I have not thought about that"

"Probably not. That's why you need a mentor like me to show you the ways", Miya answered with a giggle that sounded like 'I knew this all along'.

"Well, tell me then – why do you want to live?"

"In one of my death experiences, I've learned that there was a reason why I didn't die even after attempts that should have worked 100%"

"Are you talking about some destiny?"

"Kind of, like I was destined not to die at that point, no matter what I tried. Some people talk about it like there is a mission in their lives, and vow to live on until they fulfill that mission"

"A 'goal in life' so to say"

"Yes, in some ways. For someone who kills himself in horrible depression, the amount of pain, regret and sadness will actually help him push over the edge to succeed in suicide. For someone, like you, will need to have that 'I have completed my life' feeling to achieve that, so when you are entering the final act of suicide, you should not have any regret in your heart"

"I don't have any such goals in life though – it's exactly the opposite. I have no will to live or do anything"

"That's what I thought myself before too. But in the very last attempt I tried to kill myself, I learned there was something that needed to be done in my life before I could die"

"So you continued on with life since then?"

"Yes"

"And you will want to die again after you complete this 'mission'?"

"Yes"

"What is your goal then?"

"That is a secret you will find out at some point", another one of those Miya giggles.

"You do talk in riddles sometimes, master"

#8

It was during lunch time at school. I was sitting outside on the bench on the far side of the school ground, and as luck would have it, Rika was sitting on a bench at the opposite side of the ground, having lunch outside with her friends. It was very far away, far enough that she would not notice even if I kept my eyes on her.

I went over what Miya said the other day. What if there was something that actually made me want to live – to the extent that I do not want to die until that reason is gone. If I never had a reason in the first place, maybe my resolve will never be strong enough. But if I have a burning reason to live, and that reason is gone, maybe I will be completely prepared to die.

For many, stereotypically, that would be loss of a loved one. I sat and theorycrafted in my mind as I was watching the beautiful Rika across the ground. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in love, and be loved in return. Rika was the closest girl to what I could vaguely call as 'love'. I did admire her. A lot. I wanted to see her every day. I felt happy when I saw her. But – do I actually 'want' her? Like in a way that a boy wants a girl, to have a relationship, to embrace, to kiss?

If I were to be honest that wasn't actually the case for me. As I thought before, she was an unattainable pretty flower that I look at and smile from afar. I have no wish to plug this flower out and hold it in my hand, and make mine. One essence of 'love' that I hear or read about seems to be that you want the person to be yours, and yours only. I did not feel such desires.

So, if I did not feel such passion for even a girl that comes closest to what I would consider as a love in my life, then what else could there possibly be? What more do I want in my life? Actually, what made the tears run down my cheeks the moment before I climbed up the fence on that bridge? I felt no overwhelming sadness or pain, but the tears came out.

Maybe Miya was right. There was something that is not yet complete in my life. Something I did not and do not realise yet. If I find that thing, maybe I can settle the score and be fully content to die – or maybe I will even find a reason to live, as Miya seems to have done.

So, what did you find in your life Miya?

Then I chuckled to myself as I realized one thing I certainly did want before I die now was to hear her story in full. How ironic.

#9

"Miya, are you in there?", I called into the lodge.

It was a Saturday morning and since we were not going to meet after school – as I had no school, duh – I walked over to Miya's lodge. I woke up in the early morning and for some reason could not go back to sleep. The season was slowing approaching summer and the sun was starting to rise earlier.

I heard no response coming from inside the lodge. I felt a bit awkward intruding, but crouched and semi-crawled into the lodge to see if Miya was in there, sleeping – or as she say, hibernating.

It wasn't as dark as I remember last time, probably because the light was coming in through the lodge's entrance. Even I could see that there was no one inside.

I moved out of the lodge and looked around, and found Miya some distance away in the river swimming with her head sticking out. I ran over to her calling out her name

"Hey Miya!"

She seemed a little startled and stopped swimming. Was the river shallow enough on that part for her to stand on? Or maybe she's pretty good at swimming and floating, unlike me, so that she's keeping her position still against the current?

Anyways, as I approached and almost got to wear Miya was, she called out to me

"Yo, don't come closer, you dumb ass"

"What's wrong?"

"Can't a girl have a bit of privacy?"

That made me chuckle.

"Miya, you are the most shameless person I know"

"Yeah, but I'm still not that keen on exposing myself naked"

Huh? Then I saw the cloths and worn out shoes scattered on the slope leading down to the river – the black hoodie, jeans, underwear… oh.

"Erm, I'm sorry. I'll leave now"

"No stay, I'm almost done. I'll come out and get dressed now"

"Ok.. I will look away, don't worry"

And I kept my words by clearly facing the other direction.

I heard Miya come out of the water and walking towards me, to grab her cloths that were near me.

I looked around again and Miya was there looking cleaner than I've ever seen her

"Wow, you washed yourself?"

"Yeah. I do this sometimes"

"You look kinda different when you are clean"

"Really?"

"Yeah, erm, you are actually not that bad looking"

Miya gave a slap on the back of my head.

"So you've always thought I was minging, eh?"

"Ouch, no. It's just that you look nicer when you are clean"

"Don't get too used to it. I don't bath often"

"What made you do that today then?"

"I wanted to go to your home"

Er..

"And when did you get invited?"

"Pfft, I go where I want"

"I guess it's not a problem, but why would you want to come to my place?"

"I want to see how you live, and maybe even see your family"

"You are not missing anything. Actually, I don't want you to see my family. They are shit"

"You don't like your family?"

"No"

"That's a shame, because I don't have one at all"

That kind hurt my heart a bit. Not the guilt or insensitivity of what I said to this girl who has nothing, but the thought of Miya having been alone for god knows how long and enduring everything herself with no one to lean on.

"Well, you can come over then"

We then took another long walk back to my place, and Miya looked as if though she was going to an amusement park. I don't know for how long she lived this life of a hermit in her lodge, or what happened to her parents, but I guess it has been a while since she's been inside a real residential place.

When we entered home I was glad to find that no one was around. It would have been troublesome if my mum was around to butt in and say stupid things like 'oh my, it's the first time he brings a girl home'.

So we went straight to my room and I could sense that Miya had springs on her steps. I flung the door open and motioned her to go in.

"Welcome to my lodge, master"

"Yipeee!" Miya let out an excited squeal, and.. threw herself straight on to my bed.

"Er.. Miya, what are you doing?"

"I can't even remember how long it has been since I lied down on a bed! This feels amazing!"

Oh. That's right. This must feel good for her. I could understand now.

"You are welcome to enjoy"

But by the time I said this Miya was already sound asleep

"Who is this?", I was woken up by a sudden voice of my mum – huh, I must have dozed off on the floor while Miya was sleeping on my bed.

"Oh, mum, it's my friend, and don't just barge into my room like this"

"You have a girl sleeping on your bed?!"

"Like I said, she's a friend, shh, you are gonna wake her up, let her sleep"

Then suddenly Miya shot up like she was startled, looked dazed and confused for a second as she muttered,

"… Mum?"

"Yes, it's my mum"

"Oh..", I don't know what her disappointed little sigh was for, but she quickly composed herself and turned her head to face my mum

"Greetings. Did you know that your son wants to die?"

"Miya, what the fuck..?!"

I quickly jumped to the bedroom door and slammed my door shot and locked it. My mum was banging on the door shouting "open up, what's going on!"

"Miya! What the fuck was that for?!"

She shrugged and said, "Well, I just wanted to know if she knew her son wanted to kill himself"

"It's none of her fucking business, and none of your fucking business either"

Miya looked at me incredulously

"So, you are intending to kill yourself in secret? You know, they will find out when you die"

"Yeah but for fuck's sake, I'm not gonna tell my mum, 'hey mum, I will kill myself tomorrow, thanks for all the fish'"

"Why not?"

Actually I didn't really know how to explain.

"Are you afraid? Ashamed?"

So I snapped

"It's nothing like that! And you have no right to intrude on me like this"

"You let me in though"

"But stay out of my family affairs. What does it matter to you anyway whether my mum knows or not"

Miya seemed to be thinking over something for a moment

"I see. I think this is one of the reasons. I think there is no point for me to try to help you until this situation gets resolved"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I will stop being your mentor. You are not prepared to die"

"How?"

"You still care about your family"

"I hate them though-", before I could complete the sentence Miya was already up and running out of my room, leaving my mum dumb founded standing by the door.