Reluctantly Willing

The next morning, An Xiaoyan was woken up by fireworks downstairs. He got up and placed the arm hugging him to the side. He touched Liu Cheng’s forehead. It wasn’t as hot as before.

He went downstairs to buy breakfast. Along the way, the young people all pointed at him as if noticing someone important.

A seven or eight-year-old child with his parent pointed at An Xiaoyan and said, “Mom, look. Is that the murderer from the news? He even went to jail!”

The adult quickly picked up the kid and went toward the other direction. An Xiaoyan put on a hat, wanting to cover his face. It had been late last night, so the people in the store couldn’t see him clearly. They could see him clearly now and all pointed at him.

He still had to buy breakfast. He still had to get yelled at by everyone. Liu Cheng still needed him.

He shouldn’t care or worry.

After buying breakfast, An Xiaoyan went back. Liu Cheng was sitting in bed. His color looked better.

“It’s the soup bun you like and eggs. You need nutrients when you’re sick.” An Xiaoyan peeled the egg and gave it to Liu Cheng.

“Yan Zi, you’re great.”

“It’s okay. No need to be so formal. Don’t we always buy food for each other?”

An Xiaoyan actually wanted to ask what exactly happened to Liu Cheng, but he didn’t know how to. It was like how Liu Cheng didn’t know what to ask when he saw how miserable An Xiaoyan had been.

“Has Gu Jun forgiven you?”

“Yes, he has. Otherwise, how can I come out?” Sometimes, white lies could warm a person’s heart.

The weight on Liu Cheng was lifted. If Gu Jun forgave Yan Zi, his sin would be diminished.

“Do you have plans?”

“I’ll go find a temporary job. I don’t have much money, after all. The money I have now is the rent you helped pay for me before.”

“When did you return the apartment?”

“Recently. I thought that I didn’t need it and I might not live there in the future. It’ll be a waste to keep renting it, so I stopped. Your fever has just died down. You’re not well yet. Sleep and when you wake up, I’ll accompany you for whatever you want to do.”

Hearing this, Liu Cheng was sure that An Xiaoyan wouldn’t go anywhere. He obediently went to sleep. Ever since he got sick, he’d grown weak and listless. He was a doctor, so he knew these symptoms. All he could do was drag his life out.

On the first day of the new year, everyone went to go visit their family and friends. An Xiaoyan looked down from the window to see a mass of people walking around with stuff. He missed how they celebrated at home. There would always be a lot of people snacking and chatting at home.

Why didn’t Liu Cheng go home?

From what An Xiaoyan remembered, Liu Cheng wasn’t the type to not care about family. His family was right in A City and he was the only son. There was no reason why he wouldn’t go home.

Thankfully, it was a big city. The supermarkets were open even during the holiday.

After Liu Cheng woke up, he was much more energetic. Other than being a bit thinner than before, he hadn’t changed much. This reassured An Xiaoyan greatly.

“Is there anywhere you want to go? We can walk outside,” An Xiaoyan suggested. With Liu Cheng’s current state, it would be better if he got some fresh air. If An Xiaoyan wore a mask, no one would recognize him.

“Let’s go buy some groceries. We can make a big feast tonight. I’m sorry for making you see how pathetic I was yesterday.”

“Haven’t you seen me when I was humiliated too?”

Yes, they were both such pathetic and humiliated people. When Liu Cheng had first come out of the Night Charm, he’d wished he could chop Gu Jun into pieces. After thinking for a long while, he gave up in the end. He didn’t have the courage to go against Gu Jun. He didn’t want the entire Liu family to be affected. Everything about An Xiaoyan had been because of him too. However, faced with Yan Zi, he couldn’t say anything.

He was afraid that if he did, everything would be over.

“Let’s go out now. There won’t be any fresh vegetables if we go late.” With that, An Xiaoyan dragged Liu Cheng out the door.

When An Xiaoyan’s hand touched him, he shrunk back as if hiding from something.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Let’s go. You pulling me makes me feel like a little girl.”

The half-serious joke let An Xiaoyan see the old Liu Cheng. It was the Liu Cheng that would occasionally make those kind of jokes to him.

After putting on his mask, An Xiaoyan walked to the supermarket with Liu Cheng. It was New Years, so the market was very festive. There were red lanterns everywhere, as well as big discount signs. There were more products than usual too.

“How about I make chicken soup for you? Look at you. You’ve lost a lot of weight, haven’t you?” An Xiaoyan asked for Liu Cheng’s opinion while choosing a hen from the shelf.

“Sure.”

It was just like old friends meeting after many years. Even time couldn’t erase their past. This was how An Xiaoyan felt towards Liu Cheng. No matter how Liu Cheng turned out, An Xiaoyan would remember the favors. He would remember how Liu Cheng comforted him during his loneliest moments in prison and gave him money when he was at his lowest point in life.

“I don’t really eat rice these days. Let’s eat some steamed buns. Also, there aren’t many utensils at home. Let’s buy some new chopsticks and such.”

When An Xiaoyan was cleaning the kitchen, he’d seen some plates and bowls. He hadn’t thought much about them though. They’d been stacked there for a long while. It would take a lot of time to wash and disinfect them. Buying some new ones wouldn’t waste a lot of money.

At checkout, An Xiaoyan fought to pay first. He used the red packet money from the old guard. He made sure to tell Liu Cheng that these were his savings from working.

After buying the groceries and going home, An Xiaoyan was responsible for cooking. He told Liu Cheng to rest.

It was fortunate that Gu Jun hadn’t slept with him in days. He didn’t have any injuries on his body. The last few days, he’d been home alone and had eaten normally. He’d built up some health. Otherwise, he would be exhausted from doing all this.

While cooking, An Xiaoyan started worrying about the future.

Before leaving, Gu Jun had said that he’d come back on the third. This meant that he had to leave the morning after the next at the latest.

But if he went back, what would Liu Cheng do? He was sick and often had fevers. He needed someone to take care of him.

An Xiaoyan had taken the first step, but he didn’t know how to take the next. If Gu Jun knew he came out alone, the consequences would probably be very grave.

Trying to forget about the bad things, An Xiaoyan focused on cooking.

He made chicken soup, bamboo shoots and meat, braised vegetables, and sliced meat in oil. After setting the three dishes and soup onto the table, An Xiaoyan woke Liu Cheng up from the sofa and had him wash his hands before eating.

“How come you fell asleep again?” An Xiaoyan didn’t understand. Liu Cheng seemed very tired. He could fall asleep easily whenever he lied down.

“I’m sorry. I’m too tired these days.”

An Xiaoyan went to clean up the kitchen. When he came out, he saw the dishes on the table had been split cleanly in halves.

“What’s wrong?”

“You remember how you always ate really little during freshman year? At that time, I thought that a man can’t eat that little. After that, I always split the food after I bought it and said that you have to finish it. You can’t waste it. Now, I just think that we should both eat a half. Eat our fill without wasting anything.”

Happy memories always brought warmth. An Xiaoyan thought that Liu Cheng really wanted him to eat more. “Then you have to eat it all. Otherwise, I refuse.”

The two competed over who could eat the fastest, just like kids. After finishing, An Xiaoyan went to wash the dishes, but Liu Cheng stopped him. He insisted that those who cooked shouldn’t wash the dishes.

Seeing Liu Cheng’s ruddy face, An Xiaoyan let go, assured, and allowed Liu Cheng to wash the dishes.

As soon as he turned around, Liu Cheng’s joy turned to worry. He didn’t know how long these days could last. A person’s life was very short—short enough that he only had time to make one friend.

After washing the dishes earnestly, Liu Cheng put their dishes away separately.

Just like yesterday, the two sat on the sofa and watched TV. The entire room was dark. Only the TV had light. The two on the sofa continued to chat.

“Why aren’t you going home? What about Uncle and Auntie?”

“They say that they don’t have a son like me,” An Xiaoyan replied honestly. Then he asked, “What about you? Why are you hiding here?”

“Same as you.”

The TV was replaying the New Year’s Gala from yesterday. The festive performances stood in stark contrast with the loneliness in the room.

“To be honest, I feel lucky to have met you.” It felt awkward for a man to say this, but An Xiaoyan couldn’t help it. After all, he didn’t know when he would get another chance to say it.

“Me too,” Liu Cheng said honestly. “If you were a girl, I’d definitely marry you.”

“It’s late. Let’s sleep.”

When An Xiaoyan helped Liu Cheng into the room, he felt that his friend was burning again. He took the medicine out the drawer. The bottle said it was simple fever medicine. An Xiaoyan felt like something was wrong, but he couldn’t pinpoint it.

“Let’s sleep together,” Liu Cheng managed to say.

The first time he was here, An Xiaoyan agreed to sleep together because he thought that Liu Cheng needed someone to take care of him. Now, the request confused him.

“I’ll be next door. Call me if you need me.”

It wasn’t right for two men to sleep together. An Xiaoyan didn’t understand Liu Cheng’s request.

Liu Cheng’s eyes darkened instantly. “Yan Zi, I won’t do anything. If I had any other thoughts, I’d have told you long ago. I see you as my best friend. Nothing more.”

Since Liu Cheng said this, An Xiaoyan didn’t refuse him anymore. He took off his clothes and laid down.

“You like men?” An Xiaoyan asked, unable to suppress the question. Because of his family situation, An Xiaoyan didn’t have the money to date in university, but Liu Cheng was different. He had a good family, he was attractive, could play basketball, and was Prince Charming to a lot of girls. Even with these good conditions, Liu Cheng didn’t get a girlfriend during their five years of university. Many girls gave him love letters, but Liu Cheng threw them all away.

“I don’t know. To be honest, I was just happy to go to class, eat, and exercise with you every day. I never thought about getting a girlfriend. I thought that you’d be really lonely if I found someone.”

These were genuine words. He didn’t think about spending his entire life with An Xiaoyan. He’d just wanted to stay by An Xiaoyan’s side. Perhaps he was too young back then and thought this would be better.