Only Villains Do That

My people worked fast, but even so the effort of locking down the offices gave me sufficient time to compose myself.

Kasser and Harold brought in their full crew and rigged up the door with a solid bar to hold it shut, and a barricade that could be pushed against that at need. All of it was supported by alchemical glue, ironically bought from the goblins, which Kasser assured me would hold up to stress as well as any spikes hammered into the stone walls, and be a lot easier and faster to apply. Meanwhile, others upended a series of desks, tables, and crates in both directions along the tunnel outside. Crossbow-wielding women took up positions behind them, and light slimes in bottles were set up ahead to illuminate the approaches. This was all but guaranteeing some of those slimes would fall into goblin hands, but oh well. Better that than risk my people getting ambushed in the dark. Besides, by the end of this the goblins would either be working under me or too reduced to be a threat.

By the time all that was done, Maugro’s offices had been cleared of paperwork and everything we thought worth carrying out. Including the dead goblins, whom I had been instructed would be laid to rest respectfully, friend and foe alike. Hopefully Fflyr funerary customs wouldn’t be offensive to their spirits. More importantly, when I returned to the newly fortified underground office after saying goodbye to Junko and the kids, fully armed and ready to roll out, I was once again composed. And Aster was just finishing up explaining things to the girls when I rejoined them.

“So, hang on,” Norrit was saying as I entered, “this spell only works on pretty women?”

“It works based on attraction, and it depends on the caster,” Aster replied in a patient tone which told me this wasn’t the first time she’d explained this. “For Lord Seiji, yes, that means pretty women.”

“Well, hell, it’s not like I’m interested in magical theory, Lord Seiji’s obviously what matters here.” Norrit turned a speculative look on me that suddenly made me feel very much like a fancy pastry in a glass case. So did several of the others.

“You see my problem, then,” I said smoothly, ignoring the hungry looks. “Instead of any qualities that are actually useful, like competence or intelligence or loyalty, this requires me to recruit talent first and foremost based on how hot someone is. That is going to cause problems.”

“Recruit who, though? Why?” Kellin asked, subtly repositioning herself to push out her chest and causing me to quickly avert my eyes because the last thing I needed right now was a flashback. “We’re right here, Lord Seiji.”

“Weren’t you listening to that talk about monster girls and matriarchy?” Nazralind cut in.

“If by ‘talk’ you mean ‘unhinged ranting,’” Aster muttered, but quietly enough I’m not sure anybody else heard.

“If I understand the plan, it’s actually kind of brilliant,” Naz continued. “Lord Seiji can build a core group of lieutenants from every Viryan race sharing a Spirit Bond—which means they’ll each have all the magic abilities of every race, as well as all three Blessings. Each, uh…’monster girl’ would end up being an absolute powerhouse. More important, they can be installed as leaders of every faction, where their strength would make it easy for them to rule a Viryan culture and keep them firmly loyal to Lord Seiji, since he’d be the source of all their power. One move to achieve multiple military and political goals. It’s…elegant.” She gave me a look that was both impressed and a little more surprised than I thought was fair. “But, of course, that means it’s the monster people who matter for purposes of this. Lord Seiji doesn’t gain anything by casting this spell on humans.”

“He gains followers who have multiple Blessings and monsterfolk powers,” Norrit protested. “And all that’s needed is that the target be sexy, right? Come on, Lord Seiji, you’ve got an army of whores, here! Why is this only coming up now?”

“Knock it off,” Ydleth said curtly. “It’s Lord Seiji’s business and his decision. None of us are entitled to special magic powers just for showing up with a nice pair of tits.”

“Come off it, Ydleth, just because—”

“Stop putting pressure on him,” Ydleth snapped. “This whole business is hard enough on Lord Seiji because of his, you know, problem. He doesn’t need you making it worse!”

That actually shut everybody up for a moment; the girls who’d been eyeing me like a side of meat seconds ago suddenly looked abashed. I repressed the urge to sigh. Yeah, of course they’d noticed, these were women who’d been trained on the job to be attuned to signs of male attraction. My…sessions with Minifrit were helping, actually. The flashes were less severe and less frequent, but they were not gone, and spending an hour a couple nights a week in repeated foreplay that never managed to lead anywhere before being interrupted by waking sleep paralysis episodes was absolutely exhausting.

Also, after having had my hands on basically every part of her by now, I really wanted to have sex with Minifrit, and not just as a milestone in the treatment of my condition. Just what we’d done already was enough to reveal she was amazingly good at it.

“This isn’t as straightforward or simple as that, either,” Aster stepped in before I could think of something to say. “It’s only sharing two Blessings, functionally. The Blessing of Wisdom doesn’t work if you don’t have a familiar, and I guess Biribo’s powers don’t extend to me. Also, you know how you’ve never seen me casting spells? That’s because I can’t use Lord Seiji’s spells, I would have to get scrolls of my own—which is not happening, because he needs every scroll we can find. Even artifacts bottleneck the utility of Blessings; it’s not like they grow in pods. There’s no point in Blessing everybody in the army if we can’t equip them to get any use out of it.”

“Those restrictions do seem…annoyingly arbitrary,” Ismreth mused.

“We’re treading virgin ground here, ladies,” said Biribo. “Far as I’m aware, the spell Enjoin has never existed before; we’re having to figure out how it works as we go. Since it’s cobbled together from pieces of other spells that were never meant to work that way, we gotta expect there are gonna be issues getting practical value out of it.”

“Which is another thing,” Aster added. “We don’t know how it works, what it can do—or what the dangers are. Can it share negative magical effects as well as positive ones? That’s the biggest risk I can think of, and it’s enough of a risk if Lord Seiji only Enjoins the core leadership. What if he applies it to as many of us as possible, then we end up fighting a sorcerer who can cast… Oh, I dunno, say the Curse of Eternal Sleep? If they can lay eyes on just one of our foot soldiers they can neutralize Lord Seiji, the entire upper command structure and half the army.”

The silence which followed that was far more oppressive, and I had to hold back a wince. Holy fuck, I hadn’t even thought of that. See, this was why I followed Aster’s lead and didn’t contradict her even when I didn’t know what she was doing. Her careful, methodical approach to everything was a vital counterpoint to my own bombastic, free-wheeling style.

Biribo buzzed over to my shoulder where he could murmur right in my ear. “Boss, we got a lone goblin coming up the tunnel from the west. I’m ninety percent sure it’s Gizmit. She’s making a stealthy approach.”

Oho. “Keep me posted,” I whispered just as quietly. Gizmit was unlikely to be hostile, and in fact was exactly the point of contact with Sneppit I wanted; her stepping right into my path was going to save us a lot of effort. Also, I was interested in seeing how close she could get, to gauge both her capabilities and those of my sentries.

“And there’s still the original drawback I mentioned,” I said aloud, now that everyone was staring inquisitively at me. “Your former profession is one of the few in which people are actually more qualified if they’re prettier.”

“Hell, not even that one,” Madyn said cheerfully. “Greatest whore I ever knew had to be Lorit, from the Cat—you remember her, right, girls? Bitch could drain the soul out of a man, I swear. They’d stagger out of her room barely able to walk and grinning like dust huffers. And she was bow-legged, had no rack to speak of and a nose longer than Adelly’s.”

“Oh, fuck you, Madyn, I got more repeat customers than you ever did!”

“Exactly my point,” Madyn said solemnly, stepping out of range of Adelly’s arm.

“So,” I said patiently, “in addition to killing the Goblin King and trying to reach a diplomatic arrangement with whatever organization is left over after him, I need to find some…and I feel slimy just saying this…cute goblin girls. That’s right, our third and stupidest objective is to identify me some fuckable goblins in the hope that there’s one among them with leadership potential who I can install as a Goblin Queen when we’re done here.” It would be ideal, I decided, if the legendary Miss Sneppit was pretty enough to work with, but knowing as little as I did I wanted to keep my options open.

“I can help with that!” Donon chimed in, practically vibrating with eagerness.

“You have your assignment,” Aster said, causing him to visibly deflate.

“The twists and turns of life sure are surprising,” Ismreth commented.

“Get used to it, it’s gonna get weirder,” Biribo advised. “Dark Crusades never go according to plan.”

Of course they didn’t, that wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining for the Goddesses.

“So, uh,” Ydleth spoke up. “If this Enjoin spell is mostly untested…and it’s only been used on Aster so far…and you’re only finding out which parts do and don’t work based on trial and error… Not to be a wet blanket, but how do you even know it’ll be able to transfer monster people powers to everybody in the Spirit Bond?”

Another silence fell. Aster frowned, considering, and the others exchanged uncertain glances.

“Well,” Twigs said suddenly into the quiet, “we have right here someone from a race with magical abilities, who’s already part of the organization’s leadership, and is definitely pretty enough to qualify.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to fix on Nazralind. Her own widened under the scrutiny and she ducked her head, giving me an uncharacteristically shy look.

“Oh, I, uh… I mean, it’s a little awkward, don’t you think? It’s one thing to… That is, I think it might be, um, uncomfortable if Lord Seiji and I…”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Nazralind trailed off as I stepped over to her. I folded my arms, putting on a show of appraising her like one would a prize horse.

“Hmmm… Yes, yes, good breeding. Graceful lines, clearly a healthy specimen. Indeed, quite. You shall bear me many fine sons.”

By the time I finished, Ydleth was laughing so hard she seemed in danger of self-harm and Nazralind had a look on her face like she’d bitten into something extremely sour and slightly haunted.

“Naz, stop being weird,” I ordered, dropping the act and scowling at her. “You know you’re beautiful. Everybody knows it, we’ve all got eyes. That doesn’t mean any of us was planning to do anything about it!”

“Dunno, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed,” Adelly commented, causing Ydleth to laugh even harder.

I ignored them. “Honestly, woman, you’re like the little sister I had to meet to really appreciate being an only child. This is already awkward enough for everybody, especially me, without you making it worse!”

If I was being honest, had I met Nazralind when not suffering debilitating flashbacks at the thought of anything sexual, I probably would have tried to sleep with her. She was beautiful in an unearthly way that you really only see on 2D characters and people who’ve had way too much plastic surgery. But the situation was what it was, and when I thought about it now, the relationship we’d developed was just…not like that. It was Aster all over again, except with a bit more of a discernible reason this time.

At the very least, I had manage to defuse the discomfort of the situation. Or at last replaced Nazralind’s unease with annoyance.

“You—that’s so—argh!” For a second I thought she was going to slap me. “You are such a—I haven’t felt this simultaneously flattered and insulted since the last time we had a weird conversation! How do you do that? How does he keep doing that?” she demanded, rounding on Aster.

“Well, see, there’s your problem,” Aster said reasonably. “You keep having conversations with him.”

“Definitely Gizmit,” Biribo murmured in my ear. “She’s right up against the barricades, boss.”

And no outcry from my sentries. Well, that was Gizmit one, Dark Crusade zero. Maybe I could poach her from Sneppit somehow? Or convince her to train my people?

“Anyway,” I said in a milder tone, “with that out of the way… What do you say, Naz? Want to try the great experiment?”

“I think you mean be the great experiment,” she muttered, but despite her pique of a moment ago I could see the keen interest on her face. Nazralind might have been even worse at hiding her feelings than I was. “So, to be clear… This would give me all three of your Blessings?”

“Technically, but functionally only two.”

“Right, no familiar, I got it. And I wouldn’t get your spells. So, for now, that’s just the Blessing of Might.”

“Just, she says,” Ismreth murmured.

“And,” I said, nodding, “if it works as I’m hoping, Aster and I will both gain the elven ability to create light.”

I had to admit part of me hoped we wouldn’t. That would let me off the hook for this whole stupid fucking idea. I was all but certain, though, that it would work exactly as predicted. All the events leading up to this were just too perfect for Virya not to have set it up on purpose so she could watch me have wacky harem shenanigans.

Fucking weeb.

“And this is effectively permanent,” Nazralind said, her cheeks darkening. “Because the, ah, termination condition is…”

“Yeah, we won’t be doing that,” I agreed. “No offense, but—”

“You know what, I can do without hearing it again.”

“You get used to it,” said Aster.

“All right.” Nazralind nodded, visibly steeling herself. “Let’s give it a try, Lord Seiji.”

For all that I’d only used this spell once and barely remembered the sensation, it came back immediately. I guess the recall mechanism for my spell library was designed to be maximally user-friendly; at least something on this damn planet was. In that moment of concentration, the globe of shifting symbols formed around me, the source code of magic momentarily revealed to my mind as I sought it out and activated it.

Golden rings of light flared for just a second in Nazralind’s black eyes, and then the spell passed and she blinked twice.

“Was that…it?” The elf took a step back and peered quizzically at her own hands, as if expecting some outward change. “I don’t feel any differ—oh!”

“You can see it, huh,” I said, grinning, as she looked rapidly between me, Aster, and Adelly, her eyes fixing on the various artifacts we were all wearing. My amulet was hidden by my clothes, but the ring, my boots, the Rapier of Mastery and my invisibility dagger all had that subtle effect about them, a lighter aura visible only to those Blessed with Might. As did Aster’s greatsword and the collar of the chain mail tunic peeking out from under her coat, and the Lightning Staff Adelly carried…

I unclipped the dagger’s sheath from its belt and held it out to Nazralind. “Give it a try.”

Wide-eyed, she accepted it in both hands, hesitated for a moment, and then pulled, drawing the blade out of its scabbard. Immediately the enchantment activated and Nazralind vanished into invisibility.

Adelly let out an appreciative whistle, echoed a second later by a delighted voice from thin air in front of me. “Oh, hell yes!”

“I’m glad you’re having fun,” Twigs said with an indulgent smile, “but that’s not what we’re supposed to be testing.”

“Ah, yes,” I agreed. “So, how’s this work, exactly?”

“That, uh… I have no idea how to explain it.” Nazralind flickered back into view as she slid the dagger back into its sheath. “It’s like…how do you lift your arms? Elves learn to do this about the same time we learn to walk. It’s just…there. You know?”

“Hm.” I accepted the dagger back from her. Aster frowned pensively, staring at nothing and apparently concentrating inwardly. Clipping the artifact weapon back onto my belt, I took a step backward from both of them, held up one hand in front of myself, and focused.

Light blazed from my skin, a shifting orange-tinged corona that looked quite distinct from Nazralind’s golden glow. Ydleth let out a cheer, echoed by whistles and applause from the other girls present.

“It figures,” Aster said in disgust. “Obviously anything involving making a spectacle of yourself would come as naturally as breathing to you. Well, the point is proved, anyway.”

“Not exactly,” Nazralind said, frowning now. “The whole point was to see if it propagates across the Spirit Bond and affects you, too, Aster. If it doesn’t… Well, I guess the plan’s not scrapped, gaining more powers would still benefit Lord Seiji. It just won’t be as powerful a tool as we’d hoped.”

“I don’t…know what I’m supposed to be doing,” Aster said in frustration. “I don’t know what this should feel like. You’re right, it’s like moving your arm—if I suddenly got a third arm I bet I wouldn’t know how to flex it, either.”

“Mine looks different from yours,” I commented, twisting my hand and watching the way the light shifted.

“Yeah, every elf’s is distinct,” she said.

“It’s interesting that it works that way, though,” added Biribo. “Obviously you’re not using Nazralind’s exact glow, boss. It’s more like… Accessing it through her gives you the base power, and you then make your own expression of it. That’s consistent with how they can’t use the spells you’ve added to your Blessing of Magic. That’s worth keeping in mind for later; dark elf stealth is even more variable in how it manifests.”

“Oh!” Aster actually jumped in surprise when she suddenly lit up. The corona surrounding her was pure white, and actually seemed brighter than Nazralind’s. A grin of pure delight illuminated her whole face in a way that seemed reflective of the more literal light around her, as another round of cheers echoed in the cramped office.

“Congratulations!” Nazralind crowed. “You are now a living affront to the Goddess! A human using the divine gift of the elves. The Convocation is gonna want your head on a pike as soon as they learn about this.”

“Thanks for that,” Aster commented sourly, though her grin barely diminished. “Oh, well, working for the Dark Lord probably sealed that bargain already.”

“Yeah, and aren’t we killing all those assholes anyway?” Ydleth added.

“We’ll kill who we need to, but let’s not go crazy with it,” I said firmly, letting my brand new glow drop. It really was completely intuitive once I got the knack of it, and basically effortless. “All right, ladies, power down and let’s move out. Not that all this wasn’t important, but we came down here on a mission and fuck only knows what Jadrak’s doing while we chitchat.”

“Yes, right,” said Aster, and I think I only registered the subtle reluctance on her face as she dropped her own aura because I knew her pretty well. “All right! Everybody, you’ve got your gear and you know your assignments. Defenders, take your posts. Expedition group, form up on Lord Seiji. We’re heading out.”

Aster had divvied up assignments while the crew got this place shipshape and I’d gone back for a last check in North Watch, so the roster would be news to me, too. I had to duck to get through Maugro’s front door, my second right on my heels, muttering in annoyance as the greatsword strapped to her back caught on the small door frame twice before she finally crouched down and shuffled through. Amusing as that was, I controlled myself. We were now outside in the tunnel, and it was time to go to work.

Behind Aster came Adelly and Nazralind, solid picks for our backup. Beyond them she had apparently selected only two more team members, whose emergence made me momentarily hesitate. It was Madyn and Ydleth who followed us out.

Really? The cook and the…pest?

Well, as I’d been reflecting only minutes ago, I trusted Aster’s judgment, and she knew them better than I did. Besides… After the preceding conversation I felt especially bad for finding Ydleth so annoying. I mean, in my defense, she was annoying, but she’d also just demonstrated that she was more insightful and less selfish than most of those present, and also that she firmly had my back. Nobody’s all one thing, after all. Maybe I should work on seeing people’s better qualities…

Ydleth was the last one through. I gave her shoulder a squeeze as she emerged, earning a surprised and grateful smile that made me feel even more guilty. Then I turned to inspect our surroundings.

There were six Crusaders already out here, three facing each direction with crossbows at the ready behind the improvised barricades Kasser’s people had put up. Light slimes in jars had been set in alternating patterns up the tunnel in both directions, illuminating the walls. To my surprise, these weren’t rough tunnels; the walls had long ago been cut smooth, and painted over with… I guess I could call it graffiti, since it was slathered everywhere in what was apparently a public space, but the art was good. Well, interesting, at least; I’m no judge of visual art. As many different styles as there’d apparently been artists working on it, a riot of clashing colors and distinctive visions overlapping each other and stretching into the distance as the tunnel curved away. And apparently, most of it wasn’t even visible most of the time, since there were no light fixtures out here.

It was a stark reminder: I did not understand goblins or their culture. Among other things, I needed to correct that as quickly as possible.

“Left, behind the outermost barricade,” Biribo whispered in my ear, right as Aster asked more loudly:

“All right, which way? Should we flip a coin?”

“I have a better idea,” I said. “Let’s ask a local guide. Well, Gizmit?”

There was only a moment’s silence before the goblin suddenly popped into view, hopping up onto the barricade.

“Fuck,” exclaimed the nearest woman on watch, reflexively raising her crossbow before I gently pushed it aside. “I didn’t even—how did you do that?! We were watching this tunnel the whole time!”

“Not very well,” Gizmit remarked placidly. “No offense. You’re decent, for bandits, but there’s not really anyone on Dount with what I’d consider proper military training. For starters, when you’re on watch, you should keep your eyes pointed outward, no matter how interesting a conversation your boss is having in the room behind you. Good morning, Lord Seiji. And this must be the familiar.” Her eyes fixed on Biribo, expression not changing. “Nice to finally meet.”

And that was a timely reminder that this goblin in particular had outsmarted me more than once already. The most likely reason for her to have lurked out here—with those big ears which I’d recently been informed were not just for show—was to have listened to our interaction inside.

Also pertaining to that discussion, I now found myself noticing that Gizmit was pretty cute. Not so much that it was the first thing one tended to notice about her; on the contrary, she looked kind of hardcore, with her heavy boots and obvious armor panels sewn onto her vest and trousers, and a stylish trench coat fitted over all. But she was also, I observed, decently pretty, with her black hair in a neat pixie cut and pointed little features. Maybe I was just getting used to goblins, but I found the green skin and big ears exotic rather than unattractive. To borrow Adelly’s words, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed—but I was only able to think about this at all because I didn’t feel a strong urge to be in bed with her in the first place. That would’ve just set me to spasming and seeing things.

A Goblin Queen candidate? Maybe. Gizmit was smart, skilled, and discreet, but her loyalties lay elsewhere. At least as far as I knew…for now.

“I don’t mind admitting I’m relieved to see you,” I said out loud. “I was expecting to have to bumble around in the dark until we found a friendly face. It was good of Miss Sneppit to think of me; I see she still doesn’t miss a trick.”

“Miss Sneppit isn’t aware of your presence and has more urgent things to think about,” Gizmit replied. “All of Kzidnak is going to hell right now, Lord Seiji; she sent me out here to find and extract valuable personnel who…unwisely attempted to secure some of Miss Sneppit’s assets that are coming under attack by the Goblin King’s forces. You being here changes matters, though. If you’re amenable, I think we can help each other.”

“So Sneppit is against Jadrak?”

“She doesn’t really see it as a choice,” the so-called maid said evenly. “A Goblin King represents nothing but death and disaster. Either she and all of us die opposing him, or die under him when he launches a futile attack on the Fflyr. This way, we have a chance to hold out long enough for him to weaken and his organization to consume itself. Sneppit’s the last player in Kzidnak big enough to even try. At least, that was the reasoning before. Your presence, as I said, changes things.”

“Yeah, I have that effect,” I said lightly. “Let’s go rescue your personnel and, what was it, assets then, shall we? I assume you can brief me on the situation as we walk.”

“We actually have a grace period right now,” Gizmit said, nodding and hopping down from the barricade. She strode through our little fortification, leading us out the other side and up the tunnel, talking briskly as we left my meager defenses behind. “Jadrak’s only just openly declared himself and has not consolidated control. A lot of those fighting in his name are disorganized bands just randomly attacking anybody they perceive as an enemy—which is anybody who failed to enthusiastically pledge themselves to the Goblin King. I think it was one of those that took out Maugro, probably hoping to earn Jadrak’s favor.”

“Well, that backfired.”

“Indeed,” she said dryly. “The point being, Jadrak’s actual, organized forces that answer to him directly are maybe half of the available manpower willing to serve him. And right now they are currently occupied elsewhere. Hopefully they’ll stay that way long enough for us to achieve our objective and withdraw to Sneppit’s position.”

“Occupied doing what?”

“You aren’t the only incursion into the tunnels today,” she said with a grimace. “The other Fflyr team that just invaded blundered right into Jadrak’s main force, with chaotic results. They’re vastly outnumbered but a King’s Guild raiding party heavily outclasses their opposition. When I got a glimpse of the action it was too close to call. Depending on where the fighting spreads, we might see them soon.”

“And isn’t that just the most interesting timing,” I muttered.

Gizmit nodded. “I don’t believe in coincidence, especially since this particular group has been sniffing around goblin business on Dount for months now and managing to do nothing but get led on various wild goose chases. Everybody’s been having a grand old time screwing with them; Maugro’s guy Maizo actually dumped them in a pit trap, I hear. But once the shit really hit the wall, I would not be surprised if somebody had the bright idea to actually lead them in here and hope they’d take out Jadrak.”

I stopped mid-step. “Wait a second. A King’s Guild party that’s been looking into goblin activity?”

“I’m afraid so,” Gizmit sighed.

“You have got to be kidding me.” I clapped a hand over my eyes. “Of all the fucking things I don’t need right now.”

“I’m very sorry if these events inconvenience you, Lord Seiji,” Gizmit said in perfect outward serenity.

“Uh, what’s the problem, exactly?” Nazralind asked. “Isn’t this good news? I know we’re not exactly buddies with the King’s Guild, but if they’re putting pressure on Jadrak that makes our job a lot easier.”

“In one sense, yes,” I said. “In other ways… This just became a lot more complicated. They may share our enmity with Jadrak but they are not going to appreciate our plan to help the rest of the goblins. Brace yourselves, ladies, something tells me we’re about to have our first big clash with the Hero.”