Only Villains Do That

Ephemera being what it was, my introduction to a new culture once again led quickly to learning about their funerary customs. Well, learning a very little bit, at least. I offered my assistance, of course—quickly echoed by Yoshi—but Rizz politely yet firmly informed us that goblin business was none of ours, and in fact it would be preferable if we could go somewhere else. By that point they had neatly arranged the bodies on the big, explosion-pocked ledge and begun constructing some kind of improvised platform from the foot of the blown-up bridge, and that’s all I saw of it before we retreated back into the halls of Jadrak’s old headquarters.

Not far in, I wanted to be able to swiftly regroup with the rest. It didn’t need to be far, anyway, the Judge just seemed to prefer us out of view.

Somewhat to my surprise, that left three goblins with us. Apparently Gizmit, Zui, and Maizo didn’t consider the funeral any of their business, either, which I could understand. We had plenty of evidence that goblins were diverse in their affiliations. I guess I wouldn’t want to crash a wake for a bunch of people I didn’t know, who minutes ago had been willing to murder me. Under clear duress, but still.

More to the point, this put me in mind of Gizmit’s recent advice. I took the opportunity of his relatively quiet moment to act on it.

“Hey, Maizo, I’d like to ask a favor.”

“Hell, it’s not like I don’t owe ya, Lord Seiji,” he replied, grinning irrepressibly. “What’s up?”

“We’ve got a long walk back to Sneppit’s place, since the trams aren’t running, and the bunch of goblins we’ve just picked up have a lot of information between them that’ll be valuable for planning our next step. We need to debrief them while we move, and have a decently organized report to share when we regroup with Sneppit. But if possible, I would rather not interrogate or otherwise give these people a hard time. They’re in a rough spot and I want ‘em to feel welcome with us. You’re an information guy, think you can spend the hike…y’know, working your magic? Chat with people, get the scoop without being a pest about it?”

“Say no more. That is exactly within my aptitudes. Gimme a day to rub shoulders and make friends, and I’ll know everything they know by breakfast, and no hard feelings anywhere.”

“Thanks, Maizo. Sorry to put you right to work, I know you haven’t exactly been having a relaxing vacation here.”

“Opposite of a problem, bossman,” he said, his grin fading to a more serious expression. “The running theme of my misdaventures recently has been me being helpless while various people just did shit to me. I’m grateful to use my actual skills and accomplish something again.”

“Good to have you on the team, Maizo. Hey, Zui?”

“Oh, boy,” she deadpanned. “What now?”

“I know you don’t work for me, so this is just a request. You’re an organizational person—Sneppit’s personal assistant, even though for inscrutable goblin reasons you can’t call the job that. If you’re willing to help out, can you please help keep all our new additions… Y’know, organized? Make sure everybody’s taken care of as best we can on the way back. I’ll do my best, but you know goblins better than I ever will and I get the impression you like looking after people.”

“Not bad, not bad.” She folded her arms and gave me a smug little smile. “Asserting authority by ordering me to do something you know damn well I’m gonna anyway. It’s a good trick, Sneppit does that. We’ll make a manager outta you yet.”

“I specifically said it wasn’t an order—you know what, never mind, fuck it. How the hell are you more annoying than when you just hated my guts?”

“Tsundere,” Yoshi said sagely.

“Biribo, I want you to fly over there and punch the Hero in the eye.”

“I am unequivocally not doing that, boss.”

“What did he just call me?” Zui demanded. “Actually, nah, I don’t care. Anyway, Lord Bossypants, I never hated you, I just have a healthy attitude toward tall folk who think they’re in charge of stuff. Now that I’ve seen what it takes to make you go full mass-murder I’m reasonably confident you’re not gonna do it over every little thing. That’s something we gotta be careful of, with humans.”

“Hey, uh, Maizo?” Yoshi said awkwardly, then actually blushed when Maizo turned to look at him. “I, uh… Well, I just wanted to say… Sorry. About before.”

“You’re apologizing to him?” Flaethwyn screeched.

“Can somebody put a muzzle on that elf?” Zui hissed. “There’s a funeral going on just around that corner!”

“I will not—”

“Flaethwyn,” Nazralind said quietly, staring at her. Flaethwyn shut her mouth with an audible click of teeth, going a shade paler.

“Yeah, well, she ain’t without a point,” said Maizo. “You’re apologizing to me?”

“I’m not mad about the mud pit,” Yoshi said, then hesitated and shook his head. “Well. I’m not going to bear a grudge about the mud pit, let me put it that way. With the things I’ve learned since about goblins… I guess I see now why that seemed to you like a reasonable thing to have done at the time. For my part, I’m sorry I didn’t…speak up. I should’ve stuck up for you.”

Fascinating (and amusing) as all this was, my eye was caught by Flaethwyn’s expression: she looked queasy, and strangely terrified. It was striking on a face that normally looked like she was trying to find the culprit behind a horrible smell. She saw me see her and her expression went blank again. Pashilyn’s eyes flicked back and forth between us, but as usual she gave nothing away.

“Y’know, you’ve put on some backbone since the last time I saw you,” Maizo said, giving Yoshi an approving look and no sign he’d noticed any silent byplay. “That was all you really needed. Keep it up, kid, you’ll do fine.”

He sauntered off toward the edge of the doorway onto the outer ledge, where he took up position discreetly lurking and watching to see when they were done.

Flaethwyn swallowed heavily before speaking again. She was back to visibly angry but at least had the grace to keep her voice down this time. “All this is terribly amusing, I’m sure, but are none of you going to even comment on the fact that the Dark Lord here is openly recruiting for his Dark Crusade? Right in front of us?!”

“Well, what else did you want him to do?” Yoshi asked, which oddly enough caused her to visibly flinch. “The Dark Crusade is something goblins will follow, if it’s put to them persuasively. They wouldn’t have joined us, and we had to do something. This takes soldiers from the Goblin King and turns them to our side. It’s not like we could’ve just killed them all.”

“I—that isn’t—”

“Oh, it’s exactly like we could’ve just killed them all. Right?” Zui was staring coldly up at Flaethwyn, arms still crossed and now drumming her fingers on one bicep. “Could and should have. That’s what you want to say, isn’t it, Flaethwyn?”

“Leaving aside the wisdom of recruiting…people…who changed sides in the middle of a battle, he is the Dark Lord!” She pointed at me as if this added credibility to whatever case she was trying to make. “I recognize the wisdom of allying temporarily against the Goblin King, fine. And we all band together against devils and the Void, I’m not contesting that. But what about after? We’re just putting this man in a stronger position to conquer and murder us all!”

“Why, Flaethwyn,” I said in my sweetest voice, “why ever would anyone want to murder you?”

“You can be as glib and smarmy as you like,” she hissed. “It might even work for a while. But in the end, no one is going to forget that you’re still the kind of person who would choose to take Virya’s side.”

The silence that fell was suitably dramatic in timing, but for once wasn’t one of my carefully-orchestrated pauses. My breath caught momentarily and it felt as if my mind went white for just an instant. I couldn’t even say what was written on my face in that brief moment, but it caused everyone nearby to freeze, staring at me. Yoshi shifted backward a half-step and Zui’s eyebrows drew together as if in worry.

“Choose,” I said as soon as I could breathe again, staring into Flaethwyn’s dark eyes. Even she looked suddenly unnerved. “Choose to take Virya’s side. Right. You know what, Flaethwyn, you’re right. What kind of person would choose that?”

She frowned, trying for an assertive attitude despite her visible unease. “Throwing my words back doesn’t—”

“Why don’t I tell you all about it, then?” I said with a broad smile that made everyone ease subtly away from me. “After all, I understand it’s not just anybody on this world who gets an audience with the Goddesses themselves. You deserve a firsthand account of what your deities are like, faithful followers that I’m sure you all are.”

“Uh, boss,” Biribo muttered right in my ear, but I was too immersed in showtime now to even brush him away.

“There I was,” I declaimed, holding the attention of all present as if I had each of them by a leash. My voice was quiet, in part because of the wake happening next door but also because it forced them to be silent and lean closer. “Plucked from my life, my goals and my own future, hovering with Virya over the shattered ruin of this woebegone planet, while she explained the great game of Good and Evil and my role in it. Conquer Ephemera, she said. Subdue the nations of these islands in her name. Kill the Hero.” I winked at Yoshi, who twitched slightly. “You all know how it goes. So naturally, I told her to go fuck herself.”

A faint stir went through my audience at that, but I carried on before anyone could interrupt my flow.

“I mean, come on. Really? Who does that? Yoshi’s a good kid, and I’ve got no beef with anybody on this world. Well, I didn’t then. Not to mention that I am not isekai material, let’s face it. I have stuff I’d much rather be doing in the other world. I was already working on escaping to a new life in a new land; it’s called California, and it’s also kind of a shithole but hey, at least it’s sunny. There’s nothing I wanted less than to abandon all my plans and goals and trudge around in the mud here. So yeah, I refused the call. Like Flaethwyn said, any normal person would. And that’s when the torture started!”

Yoshi flinched. So did Zui, and then was visibly angry at herself for doing so. While that was the most gratifying interaction I’d ever had with her, I was on a roll and didn’t stop to savor it.

“First she bent me over backward, literally. All the way over, so the soles of my feet and the crown of my skull were against the ground at the same time. Then came the twisting. Ever had your spine wrung like a dishrag while it was already flexed nearly double? That’s a fucking experience, let me tell you. Made me wish I’d taken up yoga. Then the arms, and… You know what, I can tell from your expressions that you get the idea, no need to relive the whole thing. All of that, just to make her point. That being: it was all just a taste. I could either play along with the goddesses and their silly little game, or spend an eternity being taught an entirely new comprehension of pain while Virya grabbed some other poor bastard from Japan to do her dirty work.”

I gave them another moment, just to let it sink in.

“So, yeah. My policy is and remains: fuck Virya and the horse she rode in on.”

“Well…that’s…” Flaethwyn had to swallow again and square her shoulders before she could get it out. “That doesn’t change the basic facts. Even if you’re only doing it under duress, the reality is you are still planning to conquer and subjugate us. Helping you is just madness!”

I snorted a derisive little laugh. Quietly—they were stillmourning in the next room, after all.

“Oh, hell no, I am not doing that. Fuck it, I’m not gonna give her the satisfaction.”

“But,” Yoshi stammered, “but if—won’t she—”

“See, the really important thing I learned from Virya is that this? All of this?” I spread my arms wide. “Heroes and Dark Lords, Good versus Evil, Viryans and Sanorites? It’s a game. They’re a couple of bored cosmic entities with way too much power, nowhere to go except this busted-ass little world, and a desperate need for diversion. We are toys to them. Pieces on a shockingly literal game board. Well, let me tell you: here I may be a Dark Lord, but there I was a rock star, and if there is one thing I can do, it’s keep a bored bimbo entertained. She may not get the show she wanted, but that’s fine. The silly bitch doesn’t know what she really wants, anyway. She’ll get the show I deign to give her.”

“What are you going to do, then?” Gizmit asked quietly.

“I…am still working on that,” I admitted. “I’m getting my feet under me and figuring out the options. Fortunately Fflyr Dlemathlys is the worst excuse for a country on either world, so all I have to do to throw this place into chaos is enforce some basic decency on people. I’ve been running around rescuing folks from slavery and putting down bandits, mostly. It counts as Dark Lord business because in a place this corrupt, that is severely disruptive to the status quo, and it buys me time to figure out something suitably dramatic that’ll keep Virya off my back without turning myself into some kind of monster.”

“The word around the King’s Guild,” Pashilyn commented, “is there’s been a marked change in bandit activity on Dount since the Kingsguard’s purge of the Gutters. The island has become noticeably safer to travel through. Attacks on the road are somehow putting travelers harmlessly to sleep instead of just shooting them with arrows, and it seems the new bandits just take a sort of tithe and always leave their victims something to get home with. No arson, murder, rape, or violence in general. I don’t suppose you happen to know anything about that, Lord Seiji?”

I gave her a bland, pleasant smile. “You would have to ask Highlord Caldimer of Clan Olumnach about organized bandit activity, Lady Pashilyn.”

“Of course, such is the rumor,” she said in an equally mild tone. “Well, perhaps someone should caution Highlord Caldimer that this change has drawn the Guild’s attention. It may be better for the people of Dount and commerce as a whole, but it also smells of the bandits becoming organized, sophisticated, and ambitious. The one thing the Clans will not tolerate is a threat to their power.”

“Sounds about right,” I growled.

“I cannot believe you are listening to this!” Flaethwyn exclaimed at her—still quietly, at least. “This…this blasphemy! Even blasphemy against Virya, which I would never have imagined I might one day care about, but… He’s standing here trying to claim everything about our faith and our world is some manner of game!”

“I…” Yoshi trailed off and swallowed heavily. He looked vaguely seasick all of a sudden.

“I think,” Pashilyn said thoughtfully, studying my face, “I believe him.”

“What?!” Flaethwyn grabbed her by both shoulders. “Are you—you cannot—you’re a priestess!”

“Oh, I don’t think he’s right,” Pashilyn clarified with a smile, gently dislodging her grip. “I simply don’t think he’s lying. Lord Seiji reminds me strikingly of every highborn I’ve ever known who was too socially blunt to successfully dissemble, even when they bothered to try.”

“That’s a hell of a thing to hang your entire faith on,” Nazralind commented. “You sure you’re a priestess?”

Pashilyn shrugged. “I don’t see the contradiction. I have no trouble imagining Virya saying something like that to her Dark Lord. Do you? I can think of any number of reasons she might tell him such a thing, none of which have to do with it being true. Perhaps she was punishing his defiance by adding insult to injury—after all, the idea that all this is some manner of game is deeply insulting to everyone involved, is it not? Or perhaps the Dark Sister was manipulating him, saying the thing she calculated would drive him to the course of action she desired. For that matter, it’s believable to me that Virya thinks of the Dark Crusade as a game, and it requires all the earnestness of our Goddess and Her followers to contain Virya’s insanity. Or…maybe she just thought it was funny. It’s Virya. Who knows?”

For the second time in the last few minutes I found myself gobsmacked—this time not with my usual nascent, simmering outrage, but the revelation that…well, she had a point. Everything I knew about the battle of the goddesses and my role in it had come straight from Virya’s mouth. And Virya…

The question wasn’t even whether Virya was full of it; I knew she absolutely was. The question was what, specifically, she had been bullshitting about, and how badly. Some of it was true, of that much I was certain. Head Start had verified important parts. But… I realized, suddenly, that I’d been taking her at her word for all of it, and man, was that stupid in hindsight.

And now everyone was looking at me again.

“Well…there’s no real way to tell,” I hedged, having to suppress a spike of fury at the way Pashilyn’s smile subtly widened. It was a tiny provocation, the kind of thing I’d find amusing under other circumstances; I could recognize when I was really angry at something else, and nothing good would come of taking it out on Yoshi’s little harem. “Goddesses are inscrutable. Anyway, all this started with Flaethwyn pitching a fit about how I’m planning to murder you all with my new army of goblins. Are you satisfied that is at least not my intent?”

“What is your intent?” Zui asked, staring fixedly at me. “That’s what I wanna know. What happens to us under the Dark Lord’s rule when you’ve got no more Goblin King to dispose of?”

“Like I said, I am still working on that.” I met her gaze and spoke seriously—not just for the sake of performance, but because this was a serious matter. We were talking about the fate of an entire people, here; this was a bigger deal than Cat Alley or anything else I’d done on Dount. Maybe I was just projecting my unease over the responsibility onto her, but for some reason I suddenly cared a lot whether Zui in particular would approve of my chosen course. “For right now, I’m trying to learn as much as I can about goblins. What I can tell you is that I think Jadrak has the right idea about at least one thing: you have the potential to be so much more than you are, and all it would take is being united in the same direction. Just imagine what the goblins could accomplish if they weren’t all disorganized and constantly jockeying for advantage. There’s gotta be something more constructive to do with all that energy than his big idea of getting everybody killed in a futile war on the Fflyr.”

She narrowed her eyes and said nothing. That wasn’t enough.

“A lot will depend on what develops after this,” I added. “Kzidnak is far from the end of it. There are…other powers on Dount, as I’m sure you know, and that’s to say nothing of what lies beyond this shitty little island. I think the goblins deserve to be at the forefront of whatever comes next. Compared to the Fflyr you’re a lot more…well, civilized. Anyway, though, there will be time to work it out once we’re not actively struggling to survive. There’ll be a lot of work to do, putting this place back in order after Jadrak’s rampage. I’m counting on that to buy me time to learn more about your people and craft a better plan. One with goblin input.”

I paused, glanced around at the others, and deliberately put on my most insufferable smirk.

“That’s not all, of course. But as Flaethwyn was so kind as to remind us just now, there are other matters we shouldn’t necessarily discuss in front of the Sanorites.”

Flaethwyn made one of her delightfully furious faces, but I wasn’t paying her much attention this time. Zui still stared at me through narrowed eyes, but her expression softened infinitesimally, and after a moment, she inclined her head by the faintest degree. It was acknowledgment, not approval, but it wasn’t rejection.

Not that I was even sure why I cared what she thought; this was easily the most annoying of all the goblins I’d encountered, even the ones who’d tried to kill me. Even Hoy—he was repulsive and infuriating, not annoying. Zui had a way of rubbing me the wrong way… But hell, maybe that was exactly it, after all. If I could get her on board with my plan, it was likely to meet the approval of the rest of Kzidnak. She may as well make herself useful as a sounding board, if she was going to insist on hanging around me.

Rizz’s return was as sudden as it was quiet; one moment she was suddenly just there in the doorway, causing Maizo to shuffle respectfully back. The Judge swept a quick look around, taking all of us in, then nodded to me once.

“Ready to go?”