Only Villains Do That

“This is a trap,” Gizmit quietly declared once we were all in position.

“Explain?” I requested.

“Hoy used to live in this complex, as a high-ranking authority. He knows how it’s laid out. He’s leading what amounts to a raid on it, which should mean moving his people in as fast as possible to fan out in a search pattern and find the intruders. Instead, he’s got them all milling around in that extremely exposed courtyard, doing…evidently nothing. They’re not even preparing defenses or organizing to move in. Look at ‘em, that’s clearly a throng of people who do not know what they’re supposed to be doing right now. And like I said, he knows very well that he is surrounded by vantage points. But not only did he position his people right in the middle of them, he’s not even looking up. That specifically is suspicious. Any halfway rational person would be keeping an eye on the dangerous spots overlooking him. He’s making a show of not looking up.”

I studied the scene laid out below us with fresh eyes, taking in her meaning.

Jadrak’s company HQ had a really impressive main entrance, carved into a natural (or so I assumed, from the stalactites) cavern. The front wall was deeply arched inward making its outer facade resemble an amphitheater; in front of it was a wide ledge, mostly encircled by the walls but fronted by a deep ravine which vanished into inscrutable blackness below. The wide tunnel entrance opposite was reached by a bridge that appeared to be made of wrought iron, from its surface to it support struts to the chains linking it to the ceiling above—nice advertising for a company that dealt in metal. At the highest level of the facade was a single long balcony divided by pillars into a series of alcoves, in one of which we now stood; this completely encircled the uppermost reach of the cavern, even crossing the ravine and providing a walkway all the way around to provide three hundred sixty degrees of coverage. According to the familiars, there were no tunnels branching off from the opposite side, it was a purely decorative feature.

Gizmit was right: anybody who knew this was here and expected opposition should not be fooling around down there in the open. They could be hit from above in any direction. And yet…

Those goblins sure were wandering round under an obvious lack of instructions. A few of them did peer nervously up at the ring of alcoves from time to time, hence why we were crouched and only peeking over with the utmost caution. They were armed, too; a few here and there with hand-to-hand weapons but mostly carrying those heavy slingshots goblins liked, and pouches of those spiked metal balls. Perhaps Hoy assumed if they came under attack from above they could just return fire? They had a lot more ranged capability than we did… Then again, if he was here for the reasons we suspected, he’d been warned by a devil that there was a Dark Lord here. Slingshots seemed like a tenuous thread on which to hang the outcome of this confrontation.

Hoy himself was easy to pick out, and not just because the other goblins gave him a wide berth of personal space. He was a big goblin, standing head and shoulders above the rest; I would almost put him in “very short adult human” territory in terms of size. And man, did he have a sense of style. In general fashion his outfit resembled the Judges’ uniform, with a heavy trench coat and wide-brimmed hat, except where Judges wore brown he was in an eye-searing lime green, and all his stuff had elaborate artifact-style metal embellishments that appeared to be made of actual gold. That’s right, gold over lime green; it hurt the eyes like staring into a tacky solar eclipse. Continuing his mimicry of a Judge, he carried a bladestaff longer than he was tall, though instead of having the sharp part concealed in a mechanical housing it had four crescent-shaped blades attached to one end by their outer arcs, so that it bristled with eight sharp points. Sort of like a flimsy mace, in appearance.

Altogether Hoy looked like a Hollywood depiction of a pimp who’d gotten lost in a Final Fantasy game and gone native. And he was just…standing there. Holding his wicked-looking bladestaff, slowly staring around at the cavern and his aimlessly meandering minions. So pointedly not looking up at the alcoves that it could only have been deliberate.

“I see your point,” Yoshi murmured. “Why, though? It sure looks like we could kill him from here with one arrow. What’s he got that makes this a trap?”

“Naz, Gizmit, keep an eye on this and let us know if anything changes,” I quietly ordered, already retreating from the edge. Nazralind nodded at me and Gizmit gave me a thumbs up without taking her eyes off the scene below. I couldn’t help but take note of the lack of her usual ignoring me and/or pointing out that I wasn’t her boss. Funny how someone’s behavior changes when they’re angling for a job.

The rest retreated with me, back into the tunnel through which we’d reached here and out of any possible view of the goblins below.

“Okay,” I said as soon as we had attained a comfortable distance from the edge, “that goblin knows he’s facing something incredibly dangerous and is obviously confident that he can beat it, even after sacrificing the element of surprise. We’re assuming he’s the Void witch, right? So what does that mean?”

“I know you don’t like talking about the Void,” Yoshi added to Radatina, “but we need to know what we’re up against. It’s shapeless magic, right? ‘Cause if he can just…whip out anything he can imagine, that’d explain why he thinks he’s a match for a Dark Lord.”

“Oh, he really would be if it was that easy,” Biribo scoffed. “Void magic ain’t nearly that helpful, kid.”

“Ugh, fine, you’re right,” the pixie conceded with ill grace. “Okay, look, it is not that easy. The problem with Void magic is it is shapeless—pure magic. And magic is just what happens when you turn thoughts into physical reality. But mortal brains aren’t set up for that; thought is disorganized and very metaphorical. If you just tried to think something into existence without a framework like the Blessing system to guide it, well, almost anything might happen, but the only guarantee is you wouldn’t get what you wanted, or anything useful. Like when the Dark Lord here accidentally triggered a Void effect and all it did was knock him out.”

“Wait, that’s all? I didn’t disappear?”

Everyone stared at me.

“Because I’m positive I…went somewhere.”

“Probably just inside your own head, boss,” said Biribo. “You gave it an open-ended command: ‘reveal yourself.’ The Void can’t interpret that in any way that would make sense to you, so it probably just…revealed a bunch of random shit right into your brain. No wonder you just ended up confused.”

“Did you get any useful information out of it?” Aster asked.

I couldn’t fully withhold a grimace. “Not…really. I had an impression of… That is, I think someone spoke to me? Yeah, I’m pretty sure there was…a voice. It’s all muddled, though, I can’t remember anything.”

“And no wonder,” Radatina said archly. “That’s classic Void magic—it’s just not compatible with people’s brains. We’re lucky you just triggered an information-gathering effect so all it did was give you a brief nightmare. If it had caused a physical reaction the whole place could’ve blown up. So! The thing with Void witches is they’ve bargained with a devil to get their own piece of magic, something they can actually use. Devils are people so attuned to the Void they’re completely adapted to it, able even to live in it. A devil’s help is necessary to turn the Void into anything remotely constructive.”

“So…Hoy has…what?” Yoshi frowned at her. “His own custom spell? That’s it?”

“A stupid Void witch will get something like that,” said Biribo. “Just a typical spell they can fire off like a normal one from a scroll. Smarter ones bargain for something more versatile. It’ll be some kind of weird superpower, probably something more elaborate than a simple spell, but it’ll definitely have built-in limitations. His devil will have designed it along some manner of consistent theme. And most Void witches don’t have more than one or at most two, because they have to bargain with a devil for each, and devils just plain don’t want much. You’ve only got one soul to trade, and the only other thing they’re interested in is your help to corrupt a Spirit so they can sucker in more victims.”

“So Hoy might have only one trick?” I glanced back at the ledge, where Naz and Gizmit were still keeping watch.

“He’s already got that ability to Bless goblins and produce two specific spell scrolls, remember?” said Yoshi. “So, yeah, if he sold his soul and corrupted that Spirit, probably just one additional power.”

“Don’t assume,” Aster cautioned. “Rads said Jadrak and Hoy were the only two who visited the Spirit. Jadrak could also be a Void witch. If he’s the one making the scrolls, Hoy might have more of a power set.”

“Okay, that’s starting to sound more like somebody who thinks he can win after getting surprise-jumped by a Dark Lord,” I murmured. “Maizo, you’re the intel guy here. What dirt can you dish on Hoy?”

“Finally, Maizo’s chance to shine,” he said, grinning and showing off those missing teeth, which caused Zui to wince in sympathy. “Right then! Quick rundown on Hoy: he’s Blessed with Magic, known to be able to cast Shock, Fire Lance, Force Wave, and Flicker.”

“Uh, Biribo?” I asked.

“Short-range electrical attack, long-range fire-based attack, directional area-of-effect kinetic attack, short-range teleportation.”

“Thank you.”

“I can’t speak for what other spells he may have picked up, or what this Void shit can do, obviously,” Maizo clarified. “Hoy is also just…bigger. Stronger. Even before getting Blessed he was able to push other goblins around, and given that our physical strength is magically improved, he’s probably got the sheer muscle to take any of you in a straightforward rassle.”

Yoshi grimaced. “Is there any good news?”

“Yeah, in fact. Hoy is well known to be the opposite of a people person. Selfish, rude, gratuitously nasty. Your classic neighborhood bully with tiny dick compensation syndrome. He’s got a rep for using his strength and his Blessing to get his way. I know that kind of behavior isn’t exactly appreciated anywhere, so you tall folks may not have the context to grasp exactly how despised that dude is throughout Kzidnak. That is the opposite of everything goblin society is. Well, when there’s not a Goblin King upending everything, I mean.”

“How is that good news?” Yoshi demanded.

“It means he’ll have no loyalty among those goblins he brought with him, right?” Pashilyn answered.

“Exactly!” Maizo grinned at her, which caused her to also wince slightly. “That’s the advantage: those mooks are loyal to Jadrak, not Hoy, and Jadrak is not here. Even better, you can pretty much count on Hoy to try spending their lives like pocket change just to slow you down; he doesn’t respect or care about anybody but himself and possibly Jadrak, and it wouldn’t shock me to learn that Hoy was plannin’ to take over as Goblin King as soon as you guys’re out of the picture. Soon as you take out Hoy, the rest of em’ll scatter. Hell, might not even take that much—if it even looks like he’s not gonna win, I bet a lot of his force will make their own discreet exit. They will only obey him as long as they’re more scared of him than you.”

“I’m pretty confident I can fix their priorities,” I said. Yoshi gave me a wary look.

“There’s another thing to keep in mind when you’re gauging strength,” Radatina chimed in. “That goblin’s Blessing of Magic isn’t very strong; he’ll quickly tire out casting normal spells. His Void gift will be different. Blessings come with innate limitations and the ability to grow out of them as they’re used, so most people can only cast so many spells, or at a certain level of power—or have limits on the number of artifacts they can use at once, and how much strength the enchantments have. Champions get around this because the Blessing of Wisdom disables the limiters on the other two, so you can both use whatever artifacts you can carry and cast spells indefinitely at full strength. His Void gift will be like that, too. There’s nothing to limit it the way normal magic is.”

“So he’ll favor Void over traditional magic,” I said, nodding. “That is good to know. Thanks, Tina-chan!”

“Do not call me that,” she hissed.

“Is there any way to know what his Void power is before we trigger it?” Yoshi asked. “Like, I’m sure you’d have said something already if you could tell, but… Is there a Wisdom perk or something?”

I couldn’t help cringing. You don’t ask about Wisdom perks; if you know about them in advance, they don’t unlock. Hadn’t Radatina bothered to explain that to him?

Fortunately, in this case it turned out not to matter.

“There are no perks,” Biribo said. “No spells, no artifacts, nothing. There is nothing in the Blessing system specifically targeted against the Void. You’ll just have to…do the best you can, against whatever happens. Sorry, kid, we can’t tell just from looking at him. We’ll all find out when he does something.”

Interesting. I was pretty sure the Goddesses wanted the Devil King beaten, and I knew they were open to making tweaks to their system. Why wouldn’t they set up some countermeasures? Clearly there was something more going on here.

“Okay,” he said, inhaling deeply to steel himself. “Then…should we retreat? I don’t like the idea of charging into an unknown.”

“I’d rather not,” I said. “Hoy is too important to the Goblin King, and he’s right here. Can we afford to pass up this chance to take him out?”

“That’s pretty clearly what he’s banking on you deciding,” Rizz interjected. “The only thing we know about his powers is he’s the only one here who knows what they are, and he thinks he’s a match for you. Hoy’s a well-known shithead, like the boy said, but I haven’t heard it said that he’s overconfident.”

“Then you need to make him react before committing yourselves to the attack,” Gizmit said from the ledge, half-turning her head to be audible to us without taking both her eyes off the scene below. “Reveal his power set early enough that you can develop a response. He’s trying to force a confrontation on his terms. Force one on yours.”

“Mm.” I ran a hand over my face, thinking rapidly. Dammit, this was the same problem I’d realized in the middle of my desperate charge to save Yoshi and his friends: I was just not a strategist or tactician. Somebody with any kind of training would be able to come up with a better plan than me. But Rizz wasn’t suggesting anything and Gizmit had apparently said her vague piece, so it came down to me and Yoshi as the authority figures here. Which meant me, of course. “Well, he clearly wants us to try a long-ranged attack from above, so we can’t do that. If that’s what he’s trying to set up, it must be what he’s best prepared to defend against, which suggests we’ll have better chances engaging him up close.”

“I’m better up close anyway,” Yoshi said, nodding.

Actually, I might be onto something with that. “And he’s taken up position in the middle of the space, and kept his lackeys arranged all around him symmetrically… Naz, Giz, that’s still the layout?”

“Yup, he hasn’t moved. I think the rest of these goblins are starting to fall asleep.”

“Something tells me they weren’t informed they’d be fighting a Dark Lord,” Gizmit added.

“That proves it, he wants to fight at range, not in melee. Okay… Yoshi, I have a thought. I don’t think you’ll like it, though.”

“I can’t say I like anything that’s happening here,” Yoshi agreed. “What’s your idea, Omura?”

The familiars guided us unerringly to the level even with the front door outside which Hoy was camped out, taunting us. We paused at a fork in the hallways where we would have to part; these were actual constructed halls, not tunnels, and were apparently part of the “old” Kzidnak Gizmit had referenced, since they were built to human scale. Our ranged fighters and non-combatants remained up top, under orders to watch the situation and act according to their best judgment once they figured out what Hoy could do. Gizmit was an up-close combatant like the rest of us but I’d asked her to stick with the others on the grounds that she was best able to improvise a solid plan on the fly.

“This is where we gotta part,” Biribo stated as our loose formation shuffled to a halt. “Boss, we got the short path, so much past this point it’s time to get quiet.”

“We have a much longer way to go around,” Radatina chimed in, “but most of it’s behind really thick rock, so we can hustle the first leg of the way and not tip them off.”

“Got it,” Yoshi said seriously, nodding at me. “You’ll probably get in position first, Omura, so I’ll move out once we’re in place.”

“I’ll be watching. Be safe and watch your back.”

“You too. Good luck.”

He turned and broke into a run—head down, arms back and to the sides, body tilted forward as he vanished into the darkness.

“Hey,” Flaethwyn grunted, staring after the departing Hero and not yet moving, “you’re from the same country. Why does he run like that?”

I couldn’t help it; all I could do was clap a hand over my mouth and manage not to howl out loud as the compulsive laughter took over me. For the first moments I couldn’t even run, just staggering away in the other direction and having to brace myself against the wall with my free hand.

“Yeah, ours can run like a normal person, but sometimes he does…this,” Adelly commented. “That Japan must be a real interesting place.”

Man, if Yoshi and I ever did get home, we owed everybody an apology. You could hardly find a worse pair of national representatives.

I had time to collect myself, anyway, which was fortunate as I had an audience. Flaethwyn alone had gone with Yoshi; I had brought Aster and Adelly, of course. Also, Rizz and Rhoka had decided to tag along with me. I’d learned not to bother giving them orders or asking them to explain themselves, so…here we were. Rizz at least knew what she was about. This should provide me some extra muscle and not much additional liability, so I didn’t complain.

As predicted, we reached our vantage first. In fact, we didn’t quite reach it, slowing to a halt and doing our best to breath quietly well out of sight of the doorway which opened onto the plaza from one side. The miscellaneous chatter of bored goblins echoed through the hall from this close, which should hopefully conceal any sounds we might inadvertently make. Of course, if one poked his head in and saw us we were screwed, but for whatever reason Hoy had evidently ordered his lackeys to remain out there on the ledge.

“They’re still movin’, boss,” Biribo reported in a low murmur right by my ear. “Slowed down now as they’re within echo range. Should just be a few more minutes.”

I nodded and settled in to wait, leaning against the wall.

This was the worst part. Well, the worst part so far. Perhaps I shouldn’t begrudge the tense anticipation when we didn’t know what was going to happen once we attacked—but that was exactly what made the anticipation so awful. Over the last few months I’d done quite a lot of lying in wait for various targets, but those were mostly hapless merchants and highborn coaches who were about to go to sleep thanks to my goblin alchemy so my minions and I could rifle their pockets at our leisure.

Amell did not know how to make sleeping bombs. I kind of regretted asking; she apparently hadn’t known those were a thing before I brought it up. To judge by the annoyed looks I got from Gizmit, Zui, and Maizo, that was proprietary goblin business. Oops.

“Hero’s in position,” Biribo whispered, just loud enough for the others nearby to overhear. “He’s paused just outta sight behind the opposite entrance. Seems like he’s talkin’ to Flaethwyn.”

“Okay,” I said softly, grasping the handle of my dagger. “Don’t peek out until everyone’s good and distracted. Don’t do anything unless I call for it or you’ve fully figured out what Hoy can do and how you can counter it.”

“We know the plan, Lord Seiji,” Aster reassured me with a smile.

“I know you do, but repeating it makes me feel better.”

“We know that, too.”

I drew the dagger and vanished from sight just as the first yells heralded Yoshi’s attack. Even knowing I was invisible, I peeked warily around the corner; no harm in over-caution, given what we were facing. My careful observation came at just the right moment for me to observe the trap Hoy had laid for us.

Hoy was more a strategist than a tactician, apparently; his forces were positioned in the worst possible order to pull off what he’d set them up to do. Yoshi charged out of his side entrance, directly opposite mine, shield up and sword at the ready. Whether by pure luck or because he’d grown some actual skills, he cast his first spell with perfect timing to save his life and turn the trap around.

“Force Wave!”

The blast of sheer kinetic energy not only knocked over the first ranks of goblins still turning on him, but caught and repelled the opening volley of projectiles fired in his direction. Really, the way the slingshot-armed goblins were just strewn around the open space in no particular formation, it was impressive any of them could manage to fire past each other’s heads and aim more or less at the attacking Hero.

But their volley was turned right back against them and wiped out a good third of the entire force in the first row, because as it turned out they were not firing standard-issue spiked balls like Sneppit’s security forces had: they were using those slingshots to sling fucking bombs.

Grenades whipped back into their own allies and went off, demolishing goblins in a far more brutal manner than anything I could’ve managed—some of whose own ammunition went up in response. A chain of explosions tore across the entire half of the ledge closest to Yoshi, forcing him to duck behind his shield and stagger back, which was nothing compared to what happened to the goblins. Their purely self-inflicted losses were catastrophic; even the survivors began screaming and running around in a panic. Further incidental explosions occurred as slingshots misfired, grenades impacting the surrounding walls and columns and spraying shrapnel. Those explosions didn’t seem to have a large blast radius, but they were powerful enough to gouge craters in stone.

Okay, I could see what Hoy was going for. If he’d been attacked from above, his people would’ve hammered the attacker’s entire position with bombs and taken out most enemies by taking out everything in their vicinity. I had to admit, that probably would have worked on me. That didn’t explain everything, though; I still didn’t know why he was so confident he’d survive the initial sniping attempt. Also, was he stupid? Even if he hadn’t known Yoshi could cast Force Wave, having his lackeys shoot grenades in every direction while he was standing in the middle of them seemed utterly insane.

Whether or not Hoy was an idiot, clearly he still knew something I didn’t.

Yoshi was still hunkered down behind his shield; I couldn’t see blood and maybe he was just sensibly waiting for the aftershocks to diminish, but then again there was shrapnel flying everywhere.

Heal, I silently cast; pink light burst around the Hero.

“You’re all fucking useless,” Hoy spat in a more shrill voice than I was expecting for a goblin of his stature. “Just stay out of the way and stop sucking up my air. Fire Lance!”

Yoshi had just started to straighten up, but now ducked back down and took the hit square on his artifact shield. It pushed him back again, to say nothing of the backwash of flames that burst around him for a moment, but that didn’t stop him immediately retaliating.

“Force Bolt!”

Hoy made a contemptuous swatting motion, and…nothing happened. That spell had no visual effect save things getting knocked around when it impacted, but apparently it didn’t. Did Yoshi just…miss? Well, he was casting under duress.

I strode invisibly forward, rapier in one hand and dagger in the other. It was taking me longer than I liked to close the distance, because the surviving goblins were all fleeing toward this end of the platform. If they tried to escape into our corridor…well, Aster and the others would have to deal with that. I was fully occupied sneaking through them without revealing my presence by kicking somebody.

Yoshi was trying to charge forward after a couple more Force Bolts failed to connect, and making little progress as Hoy kept hammering him with Fire Lances—and some pretty vulgar taunts. I gave him another quick Heal just in case he’d been singed too badly.

Meanwhile, I’d finally broken free of the crowd, who were doing their best to keep their distance from their leader. I had a straight shot to the Void witch now. Lengthening my stride, I raised my invisible rapier—

My translucent rapier. As I drew close, it started to fade back into view. As did I.

Hoy hammered Yoshi with another Fire Lance, then turned and contemptuously swatted my blade aside with his staff, grinning cruelly up at me.

“Nice try, wankstain.”

Okay, this was a problem.

Slimeshot!

A desultory splatter of slimy droplets splashed the bladed head of Hoy’s staff, some trickling onto his sleeve.

“Ugh. What the fuck was that supposed to be? Fuck off, idiot, I’m busy.”

He jabbed and slashed at me with the staff, but I was armed with an artifact sword and—

Barely, clumsily, managed to deflect the vicious attack, nearly losing my grip on the blade. What? Where was my fencing mastery? Where was my invisibility?

Hoy had the gall to turn his back on me and pin down Yoshi’s attempted charge with two more Fire Lances. I had no compunctions about hitting him from behind.

Windburst!

A light breeze ruffled his fancy green coat; he ignored me completely.

What the fuck?

Sparkspray!

I successfully shot Hoy with a light puff of smoke, which he did not appear to notice, having turned to charge at Yoshi and physically force him backward. Yoshi managed to take the hits on his shield, but he was losing ground.

“Shock!”

At Hoy’s shout, an arc of lightning tore through the shield itself and Yoshi staggered backward with a yelp, losing his footing. Hoy loomed over him, raising his blade—

“No! Immolate!”

A harmless flurry of sparks burst against the back of the goblin sorcerer’s coat. He paused, turning away from Yoshi to grin wolfishly at me.

“Oh, you want some too, bitch? Wait your turn, I’m busy.”

Heal!

I wasn’t sure how effective that would be against electrocution—ah, good. Yoshi stopped twitching and managed our first success against the Void witch, landing an actual kick on his leg and forcing him to stagger back, cursing. It gave the Hero a moment to roll away and back to his feet, and me a moment to get updated by my familiar.

“Boss! That’s his Void power! He is disabling Blessing magic! Artifacts, spells, all of it.”

Oh. Yep, that explained it.

No wonder Hoy was so confident about taking on a Dark Lord. Without Blessings, a Dark Lord is just some clown facing an armed wizard who’s physically stronger. Our forces were still in reserve, but they wouldn’t be any more effective here than Yoshi and I.

Hm. We might actually be screwed this time.