Only Villains Do That

“All right, I get it, none of you like my plan. But we’re all still here, because none of you clods could come up with anything better! So unless you can produce a superior idea, just do me a favor and button it.”

I stared challengingly at the little strike team assembled around me on Sneppit’s tram platform, all of whom returned unimpressed looks. Of course, it was Flaethwyn who opened her mouth again despite my very clear instructions.

“This remains the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard of. You agreed we cannot risk attacking the Goblin King directly until we know the source of his power… So we’re going to try to learn the source of his power by attacking him directly?”

“Yes, Flaethwyn, you can make anything sound stupid if you can’t find anything better to do with your time than rephrase it in the worst possible way.”

“That’s literally just the— And my name is Flaethwyn! It isn’t that hard to say, accent or no!”

“No human could possibly pronounce that,” I said dismissively, turning away from her.

“Yoshi learned to do it!”

I gave her my sweetest smile. “Yoshi cares about your feelings.”

Yoshi himself drew in a breath and visibly steeled his shoulders before intervening. Hey, at least the kid was developing the spine to step in now and again. He was urgently going to need that if he intended to keep hanging around with Flaethwyn.

“Omura, don’t you think you’re being a little too confrontational?”

I smiled and held up both hands in a peaceable gesture. Not that winding her up wasn’t fun, but he wasn’t wrong; this was probably not the time.

“And Flaethwyn, he has a point,” Yoshi continued, turning to the elf. I noticed he unconsciously dipped his head slightly in an instinctively obsequious posture when speaking to her. That spine was still in development, clearly. “The plan isn’t as simple as that, and none of us have come up with anything better. With Omura’s group added to our own, we are strong enough we should be able to handle anything the goblins can come up with. We might even get lucky and manage to take out the Goblin King when we get there, but even if not, that leaves the main plan. They’ll be too distracted dealing with us to catch the spy before she can get what we’re looking for.”

Flaethwyn huffed and folded her arms. “That still means the whole thing depends on that goblin succeeding behind our backs.”

The small group of goblins with us all glanced at her with cool expressions, but by this point everybody understood Flaethwyn well enough to tell when there was no point taking offense.

“Gizmit is a professional who is good at her job,” I said. “Frankly, she might be the only one here who can make that claim.”

Zui scowled up at me and loudly cleared her throat.

“Don’t harrumph at me, I don’t even know why you’re here. What, you gonna give the Goblin King a bad haircut to sabotage his authority?”

“Yo! We are ready to roll out!” called the goblin from the engineering car, whose name I hadn’t caught. He was apparently an actual engineer and not a cross-trained security guard like our previous pilot.

Getting ready to move had apparently taken some doing. We were embarking from another track that had to be reached by a series of metal bridges that creaked alarmingly under the weight of multiple humans but held. Fittingly enough, given that this was the central hub of the tram network, Sneppit’s personal station was huge; apparently this wasn’t even the only level. Our new ride was suspended from another track which would take us to our intended destination.

Unlike the basic lead car which had brought us here, we were heading out with some kind of special engineering car with bigger sails, stronger brakes, a large compartment full of tools and who knew what other augmentations. Sneppit was concerned about sections of the track having been damaged by Jadrak’s people, so we’d be moving slower and with more care, and the ability to hopefully fix things at need. In addition to three engineers, she was also sending along Dap and his security team, since they were still on the clock.

To protect the tram, of course. Once we were dropped off as close as the tram could get us to Jadrak’s HQ, we were on our own.

“All aboard, then,” I said cheerfully, the first to clamber into the swaying car as soon as one of the secondary engineers popped the door open.

One by one, the others followed. There was no escaping the tightness of the fit, since this thing had been designed for riders half our height, but it was a tiny bit more comfortable than previously as there were two fewer humans along. As per Aster’s plan, Ydleth and Madyn were helping Sneppit’s people around the base. In exchange, though, there was an extra goblin coming along.

Gizmit was here because she was part of the plan. Zui hopped aboard, too, ignoring my pointed look. Well, considering Sneppit was also using this trip as an opportunity to scout the condition of the tunnels, maybe she’d sent Zui along to supervise them once we parted ways from the tram.

Also, I saw Rizz and Rhoka both clambering into the rear car with the security team. They were not part of the plan, but I wasn’t terribly surprised to see them include themselves. From what I’d gathered, that was basically what Judges did. Whatever trouble Rhoka was in for aiding Zui’s off-the-books rescue mission, apparently it wasn’t enough to keep Rizz from bringing her along.

Nazralind was the last one in, and behind her a goblin attending the platform called out “Watch your fingers!” and slammed the door shut.

“Everybody settled?” shouted the lead engineer from the car ahead. Behind us, somebody rapped hard on the metal frame of the rear car, and Zui reached up and hammered her fist against our door in turn. “All right, we’re out! This ain’t gonna be a fast trip, folks. Keep yer ears perked for bloodcurdling screams; first sign of enemy contact an’ you mooks are gonna earn your pay. Gettin’ stabbed ain’t in my contract!”

“Charming,” Flaethwyn groused as the sails ahead were cranked open and we began moving forward. True to his word, the engineer only extended them partway, causing us to proceed at a slower pace than our previous trip. I also felt the occasional shudder as he gently pumped the brakes to interrupt our acceleration.

I was hoping for more of these tram rides during our underground adventure; now that we’d linked up with Yoshi and company, having shared downtime with them served my long-term plans. Establishing and maintaining a positive relationship with Team Hero was one of my core goals, and the reason I wasn’t heckling Flaethwyn any harder, despite what a tempting target she made.

Right now, a tense and gloomy silence hung over the group, especially the Sanorites—who were, to be fair, having a really terrible day. This was just begging for someone with my wit and charm to step in and lift the mood.

To my surprise, Yoshi beat me to it.

“Okay, so… Radatina and, uh…other familiar. What do you think could be the source of these Blessings and scrolls the Goblin King suddenly has?”

“We’ve ruled out any of the obvious sources,” the pixie replied, seating herself on Yoshi’s shoulder. Biribo preferred to remain hovering, seemingly unfazed by the tram’s speed or the wind through its lack of walls. “Things like that usually come from Spirits or dungeon rewards. It seems none of the Spirits in these tunnels can produce those results, and there definitely isn’t an active dungeon on Dount.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda the point, kid,” Biribo agreed. “We don’t know what’s going on. Hence our fact-finding mission here.”

“Right, I understand that,” Yoshi said patiently. “But you said those are the obvious sources, right? I’m just wondering if you know of any other possibilities. Even if they’re unlikely…well, it’s something. Anything to avoid going in completely blind.”

“I…Yoshi, I would’ve said so if there was any chance—”

“Only other thing that comes to mind is sometimes Blessings and Blessing-related rewards can be handed out in person,” Biribo said, interrupting Radatina’s hesitant answer. The pixie familiar scowled up at him, buzzing her wings in annoyance.

“In person?” Pashilyn asked, leaning forward. “You mean…by the Goddesses?”

“Exactly,” said Radatina. “They’ve been known to do it. However, to avoid escalating their conflict into another planet-breaking apocalypse, the Goddesses are strictly hands-off and don’t intervene directly while a Dark Crusade has been called. So long as there’s a Dark Lord walking the surface of Ephemera, neither will risk bestowing a personal Blessing or other reward, except as a normal miracle bought with Goddess coins.”

“Which brings us back to the same considerations that ruled out Lancor having set this up from their stash of scrolls,” Biribo added. “That’s a massive investment, and not something that makes sense for any of the big enough powers to do in Kzidnak of all places.”

“I see,” Yoshi mused, frowning sightlessly at the passing tunnel wall visible through the bars. A momentary silence fell while we considered.

“The only other possibility—”

“Don’t even bring that up!” Radatina interrupted Biribo, rising off Yoshi’s shoulder to buzz aggressively toward him.

He turned a baleful look on the pixie, flicked out his tongue at her once, and then very deliberately continued his thought.

“It’s possible for Blessings to be granted, and scrolls created, by certain very powerful individuals.”

“What?” Yoshi demanded while Radatina groaned dramatically and covered her face with both hands. “It is? By who?”

“You’ve mentioned scrolls can be created,” I said, “but not that people can grant Blessings.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because it’s even less likely than the other options we’ve considered. Crafting spell scrolls is a major high-end feat for the most powerful Blessed with Magic; there probably aren’t more than a handful of people alive who can do it, and that’s not really any quicker or easier than dungeon delving or Spirit-talking, just somewhat more reliable. But granting Blessings, it’s basically only Heroes and Dark Lords who can do that.”

“Aha, the case is blown wide open!” I said, grinning. “Yoshi! Where were you on the night of the murder?”

“Right, because he’s the suspicious one here,” Flaethwyn sneered. Yoshi just frowned at me.

“Also,” Biribo added, “I’m talking about late-stage, well-developed, powerful Champions, not neophytes who’ve only been on Ephemera for a few months. No offense.”

“And since you two are accounted for,” Radatina said pointedly, still staring at Biribo, “that settles the matter. Right?”

He flicked out his tongue at her again, and I got the distinct impression Biribo would’ve stopped talking long since if the opposing familiar wasn’t getting under his skin. Personally, I found this delightful. Not just because it was amusing; she was inadvertently goading him into revealing things I suspected the goddesses preferred we not know. I already knew for a fact that Biribo hid things from me on those grounds, given that I’d had to go behind his back to learn about the Void.

“Unless,” he replied just as deliberately, “a former Hero or Dark Lord shows up.”

“What?” I barked, abruptly forgetting my previous levity.

At the same moment, Yoshi leaned forward so suddenly it made the tram car sway. “That can happen?!”

“No, it can’t!” Radatina exclaimed zipping back and forth and waving her arms about in agitation. “Augh! Why would you tell them that?! Now they’re just going to be worried over nothing!”

“It very much can happen, even if it definitely won’t,” Biribo shot back. “It was a question, and I answered it with the truth. That’s the job! That is our entire reason for existing!”

“Oy!” I yelled, clapping my hands sharply. “Settle! Do I need to separate you two?”

“Yeah, let’s try to calm down,” Yoshi urged in a more soothing tone. “I don’t get what you two are trying to say. It’s possible that there’s a previous Hero or Dark Lord around, but…also not?”

Another tense little silence ensued, in which Biribo and Radatina glared daggers at each other.

“Well,” she said finally, throwing up her tiny hands, “you were so keen on dragging this up. Go on, spell it out since you’re so clever.”

He stuck out his tongue at her again, this time far enough I thought he might be trying to devour the pixie frog-style, but at least he answered before this could devolve into more familiar infighting.

“Right, so, boss, I know I’ve mentioned that in some rare cases, really successful Dark Lords who ran out of things to conquer were able to pass the reins to a lieutenant and go into retirement. So! By definition, a Dark Crusade ends with a Hero victorious—and almost always alive, unless they take the Dark Lord down with them, blaze of glory style, which…isn’t common. And it can end with the original Dark Lord also secretly alive and in hiding.”

“With you so far,” I said, nodding.

“The other thing to note is that, at the highest possible reaches of power within the Blessings system—the kind of stuff that only Champions of the Goddesses have any reasonable chance of achieving—is magic that can grant extreme longevity, or even immortality.”

“Longevity, yes,” Radatina interrupted. “Actual, literal immortality? That’s only hypothetically, technically achievable. It’s never been done and probably won’t be. I bet that’s one of the degrees of power the Goddesses would step in and prevent if somebody was getting too close.”

“She’s right,” Biribo admitted grudgingly, “but even so, it is within the bounds of possibility for somebody to survive for centuries, and a Hero or Dark Lord is the most likely person to find that kind of power.”

“Wait, wait,” Yoshi interjected. “If that’s true, why are you so certain it’s not the case here? It sounds like that would explain everything!”

“Because,” Biribo said with clear exasperation, “Hara Satoshi and Kurobe Yomiko are both dead as dust. History records where, when, and how each of ‘em kicked it. Both of their gravesites are protected historical landmarks of the Lancor Empire. They are not going to suddenly pop up.”

“Which means,” Radatina swooped in to take over the explanation, “any theoretical former Champion who might still be around would have to have survived for multiple cycles of Dark Crusades, which have a century between them at least, usually closer to two. That’s already pushing the upper limits of longevity magic by itself. And more importantly, it would mean that any former Champion who’s still around would have for some reason decided to quietly sit out the last Dark Crusade. On the very remote chance that they did, why would they butt in now?”

“Annoying pixie is right,” Biribo agreed. “If a previous Champion felt like making their presence known, it would’ve been pushing their luck to do it last round when they were merely old and decrepit. By now they’d be ancient and falling apart.”

I could think of any number of possible reasons that would motivate such a person to do something so irrational, but kept my peace for the moment. On consideration, I was inclined to agree with the familiars’ assessment; to judge by the silence and pensive stares of the others, I wasn’t the only one. Even if a previous Champion were alive and decided to show up and go out in some absurd last hurrah… Why this? Handing out spell scrolls to a tiny handful of goblins engaged in a rebellion on nowheresville island like Dount? My (and I suppose Yoshi’s) presence here was all that made it even remotely probable, and this seemed like an unlikely way to come at us.

“Gotta say,” I eventually broke the silence, “I agree with the pixie. This is almost certainly a non-consideration, and now I wish you hadn’t told us. Even knowing there’s not gonna be a veteran Dark Lord popping up to backstab me, I’m going to be paranoid about it for the rest of my life. Thanks,Biribo.”

“I just can’t win with you,” he complained.

I grinned at him. “Maybe you should try to be more like— LALATINA!”

My sudden epiphany had nothing to do with our situation, but it prompted me to jerk upright so hard I bonked my head on the ceiling and set the car rocking again; Radatina zoomed backward out of reach as I threw forward one hand to point at her, cackling.

“I knew it! I knew you couldn’t resist making it an anime reference! Let me guess, she also pretended she couldn’t understand your accent?”

“Oh, you’ve seen Kono—wait.” Yoshi broke off his excited reply to turn a betrayed look on his familiar. “Pretended?”

“You are a jerk!” the tiny pixie screeched, darting aggressively toward my face. “Even for a Dark Lord, you’re a jackass! I oughta dive down your throat and finish you off from the inside!”

“Hang on,” said Yoshi. “Biribo… Omura, did you try to name your familiar Bilbo?”

“Never mind that,” I waved him off, “now I wanna see this little pixie try to take me out. I mean, can you imagine Virya’s face if that was how the Dark Crusade ended? Fuck it, I’m ninety percent sold on this for that alone. Somebody get Discount Darkness a tiny little dagger and let’s see what happens. Who’s got a toothpick?”

Yoshi interceded again, physically grabbing Radatina and trying to soothe her fit of temper, while Aster leaned over from my other side to murmur in my ear.

“I realize you’re just having fun, but maybe don’t make jokes like that in front of people who’ve given up everything to follow you.”

Feeling suddenly guilty, I glanced over at my followers. Reassuringly, Adelly just looked bemused, and Nazralind was grinning as if this was the best show she’d seen in ages. Which was probably true.

Poor Yoshi was still doing his best to keep the peace, and now stepped in with a desperate change of subject.

“So, I didn’t know that the last Hero and Dark Lord’s graves were both protected sites. Even the Dark Lord’s? I’m surprised the Radiant Temple would allow that. Actually, it’s a little surprising they would bury her at all.”

“Dark Lord Yomiko was respected by her enemies, both in her time and still now,” Pashilyn said smoothly, speaking in a calm tone that was just what this situation needed to de-escalate. “Her forces were kept to a strict code of conduct regarding the treatment of civilians and prisoners of war. Whenever she conquered a noble’s holdings, any plunder her army didn’t specifically need would be distributed among the common people who lived nearby. Several times she took the time to ask around about any grievances the people had with their rulers, and put Lancoral nobles and bureaucrats on trial for corruption, then dispensed punishments if they were convicted. When she found the people loved their local rulers, she offered them protection and returned a share of their confiscated assets. Yomiko never declined an honorable duel—nor lost one—and always spoke to her enemies with courtesy. That impressed the Lancoral a great deal; chivalry is very important in their culture.”

“You make her sound like some kind of saint,” Flaethwyn said, her voice redolent with disdain. “Yomiko was a marauding butcher, just like any Dark Lord. She simply had the benefit of crafty advisors from Savindar who coached her in political theater, so she put on those little shows to impress the locals and discourage uprisings against her. Obviously it worked on the ignorant peasants. Lancor is a beacon of civilization in many ways, but they don’t bother to educate their lowborn like we Fflyr.”

“That is wrong in every possible direction,” Nazralind stated. “Unlike Dlemathlys, Lancor has a public education system. It’s mostly for the children of nobles and Imperial bureaucrats, but any citizen who can pass the entrance exams and pay tuition can attend school. Meanwhile, there is no polity in Dlemathlys which educates lowborn save the Radiant Convocation, and that only applies to their own initiates. We allow lowborn to educate themselves because this country is so awash in books that preventing them would require a massive administrative infrastructure that none of the Clans are competent enough to build.”

This time, the silence hung like a weight. Flaethwyn opened her mouth, then closed it and averted her eyes, her cheeks coloring. Coming from anyone else that would have been the start of another screaming fight, but for some reason she seemed intimidated by Nazralind. It was nearly as useful as it was hilarious.

“In any case,” Pashilyn continued after a moment, “the Emperor at the time did commission a respectable tomb for Dark Lord Yomiko, and the Empire has maintained and protected it ever since. I’m sure there’s a limit to how fondly people can feel toward someone conquering their country, but in the century and a half since Yomiko’s passing, the Lancoral have grown oddly affectionate toward her memory. I understand she gets a lot of flowers every Passing Day.”

“Must be nice,” I mused. “I’ll be lucky if they leave me facedown in a ditch.”

More people than I liked nodded solemnly.

“That was the appropriate moment for someone to disagree,” I said irritably.

Again, solemn nods all around.

“You know, shit like this is what drives people to start conquering stuff,” I complained.

“You guys are fun,” Zui commented.

The tram, I noticed, was decelerating. There were no sparks or screeching this time; must’ve been those fancy brakes I’d been told the engineering car had.

All told, despite the continual disrespect I was forced to suffer, I decided to chalk this tram ride up as a victory for the Dark Crusade. Sure, all I’d learned was the useless and unpleasant fact that I only probably wasn’t going to get surprise murdered by a grumpy elder Dark Lord, but it had been a chance to sit and chat with Yoshi and his team. Trying to shmooze them would only have made them suspicious, so I wasn’t going to court them overtly. But I’d already saved their butts twice now, and just having the chance to hang out and socialize with them, like normal people riding a train together, was advancing the cause. The more they regarded me and mine as just folks and not monsters, the closer I was to turning their righteous vengeance away from the Dark Crusade and toward the Goddesses where it belonged.

Baby steps.

“Aw, yeah, nailed it!” crowed the talkative engineer one second after the tram creaked to a halt. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll look to your left you will see the exact entrance into the tunnels you’ll need, right in front of the door of your car, because I am just that good. You’re welcome.”

Gizmit had stood up while he was nattering, turning around and pressing her face against the bars. “Hm. Hey, familiars, any guards nearby?”

“I don’t detect anybody in the vicinity,” Biribo reported, beating Radatina by a split second.

“Nor up and down the tram tunnel in either direction,” she added, not to be outdone. “We seem to be completely alone.”

“That’s…weird,” I murmured. “I thought this side tunnel led right into Jadrak’s home complex. And it comes out into a major tram tunnel he knows Sneppit has access to. Are we sure this is the right spot?”

“That’s it,” Gizmit confirmed. “It’s not the first time I’ve been snooping around here. And you’re right, this is…weird is a word for it. This should not be unguarded. Jadrak’s always run a fairly loose operation, but he’s not an idiot.”

“Counterpoint:” I said, opening the door. “Everything else he’s done.”

I hopped out before she could respond. This was the middle of nowhere, not an actual tram platform; it was a drop of roughly my height to a rocky, uneven tunnel bottom. The rest of the team filed out after me, dropping to the floor as each of us made room in turn, Nazralind and Flaethwyn both lighting up their auras so we could see. The drop was obviously a bigger deal for the goblins than us, but Rizz and Rhoka had already descended from the rear car by the time Yoshi hit the ground and skidded on loose gravel, barely avoiding a fall by colliding with Aster, who’d seen this coming and braced her feet. Gizmit followed him far more gracefully despite having relatively farther to fall.

“Look alive!” Zui called from above. I looked up, barely in time to catch her with a surprised grunt as she plummeted into my arms. “Thanks.”

The little pest had the absolute temerity to reach up and ruffle my hair before hopping the rest of the way down.

“Can I help you?” I demanded, annoyed.

“That’s all I needed for now, thanks, but I’ll letcha know.”

“Forgive me, Zui, I keep forgetting that subtlety is wasted on you. Let’s try that again: what the hell do you think you’re doing? I thought you were just along to supervise the tram crew.”

“They don’t need it,” she said pointedly. “Sneppit wants somebody representing her interests on this op after Gizmit peels off to do her thing.”

“And she chose the barber. Of course. Obviously.”

“Anybody who works in Miss Sneppit’s inner circle has multiple valuable skills at a high level,” Zui said archly. “In addition to being the best damn hair gal in Kzidnak and one of its most renowned executive assistants, I am a perfectly competent security guard and more besides. So, yeah, you tall and Blessed types will be taking point on this, but I am not dead weight.”

I scowled at her; she folded her arms and stared right back. I was the first to avert my gaze, mostly because that position with her arms really pushed her chest up in a way that was distracting enough to make me worry about a flashback. Goddamn this smug goblin and her amazing tits, the last thing I needed was to turn into another Donon on top of the rest of my problems.

“Right, well. You two are in charge of keeping Zui out of trouble,” I ordered, turning to Rizz and Rhoka.

“Oh,” Judge Rizz deadpanned, “is that what we’re in charge of.”

“This natural crevice leads right into a carved out section not far ahead,” Radatina reported, having followed Yoshi over to the aperture in the tunnel wall in front of us. “Just a couple of minutes’ walk, I think; it’s mostly big enough we shouldn’t have trouble getting through. Pretty spacious for goblins.”

“Yeah, and we’re well within earshot of whoever’s in there,” said Gizmit.

“Which, again, is nobody,” Biribo repeated. “Seriously, there are no goblins within the range of my senses. Ask the pixie if you doubt me.”

“The lizard is right,” Radatina reluctantly agreed. “We represent the entirety of sapient life within basic familiar senses. Looks like the tunnel complex beyond goes much deeper, but there shouldn’t be anybody able to hear us from here.”

“Right beyond this tunnel is a section that used to be a mine,” Gizmit said, turning to look up at me. “All the veins were tapped out years ago; that particular area was carved out further for housing. Specifically, housing for Jadrak’s security division. They deliberately left this little crack as a backdoor to sneak out when they wanted; it’s possible Jadrak and his upper management don’t know about it, so I’d believe there’s not a formal guard posted. But it does not make sense that there’s nobody in the section beyond, especially at a time like this. His whole complex should be locked down and every exit manned; the people responsible for organizing that would definitely know about this tunnel.”

“Well,” I said slowly. “How…incredibly convenient for us.”

It was Yoshi who said what we were all thinking, as the tram behind us opened its wings and began to slide away up the tunnel.

“This is bad, isn’t it.”