Only Villains Do That

Of course, it couldn’t be that simple.

Time was dragging on and the hike back to North Watch wasn’t insignificant, so after a relatively short exchange of words in which I figured out that my questions were going to take some time to get answered, I opted to put that aside and prepare to move out. Well, the main event had gone according to plan for once so I was inclined to accept the need to adjust my strategy to allow for the preparatory steps before I got down to extracting the intelligence I needed. This involved cleaning up the camp by removing all the food and money, and what weapons we could carry, as well as a few other sundries that might be useful. The bandits didn’t have much but we took most of it, along with their remaining personnel.

What was left looked like what it was: a bandit camp that had been attacked, destroyed, and looted, with the bodies of the slain left where they’d fallen. We took the precaution of removing the bloodied ropes and I had left none of my hallmark slimes on the site, so whoever found this shouldn’t be able to connect it back to me. The plan was for Clan Olumnach, which they learned of this, to assume it was Lady Gray’s handiwork.

Hopefully.

Then there was the matter of moving out, which was tricky. While I’d done (if I say so myself) a good job of inspiring the new bandits into joining my righteous crusade against civilization in general, I had then killed a bunch of their friends right in front of them. Granted, that was mostly at their own exhortation, but the fact remained that I’d just press-ganged a bunch of flight risks. While I was optimistic about my and Minifrit’s ability to integrate them with the rest of the group, for now we had to arrange our formation so that the new blood were surrounded by my more seasoned followers.

More seasoned followers carrying loaded crossbows.

And then there was the tricky matter of transporting that arrangement of people through the khora forest in the dark. We were no longer sneaking up on anybody, sure, but we were moving surreptitiously through territory ostensibly owned by various Clans and in practice patrolled by rival bandit gangs. This was still no time for me to be lighting up the night with Orbs of Light; that could be visible from well beyond the range of Biribo’s senses.

Supervising all this kept me fully occupied for the first leg of our return journey. In addition to keeping an eye on everyone (vicariously through Biribo, for the most part), I had to provide spot illumination via Light Beam to help navigate some tricky parts, plus the occasional bit of healing. Moving in the dark in this terrain was tricky enough when we weren’t managing…not quite prisoners, but let’s say, new friends who required a close watch. There were numerous falls, mostly resulting in minor scrapes and bruises, though a couple of crossbow misfires occurred and one unfortunate girl did something truly nasty to her ankle. I don’t know whether it was sprained or broken and didn’t waste time diagnosing what I could instantly fix.

It was clear we were going to be moving at a snail’s pace and requiring my constant oversight until the sun came up or we got back to the old road (which was a broken and overgrown excuse for a road after a century of disuse but still better than the wild khora). As it happened, these occurred at around the same time. And so, finally, I was able to walk at the head of the column along with Auron and ask him some questions.

“Oh, that wasn’t when Lady Gray learned about our camp’s location,” he said. “I figure she’s known for a while. Couldn’t tell you why she never made a move on it, but I guess she’s got her own reasons. Nobody else has made a move on it cos Highlord Caldimer keeps the Kingsguard and the King’s Guild paid off to leave it be, and with us bein’ on Olumnach land, nobody else has the authority to make a move unless they wanna start more shit than they’re ready for.”

“So your location was kind of an…open secret?”

“Maybe not the exact location, but c’mon. It’s a patch of khora forest not far from the waystation, and people get robbed around there. I assume most folks who matter had it figured out. It’s not heart surgery.”

“I guess not,” I acknowledged. “What kept the other Clans from deploying their Clansguard? I understand Olumnach’s hold on the bandits on Dount is another open secret. I gotta figure everybody’s tired of his shit by now.”

“Fflyr Clans don’t fight each other,” Auron said, shrugging. “As to why, you’d have to ask ‘em, I don’t exactly get my ass invited to high tea. I don’t understand noble politics, but I do know that whatever’s going on between the Clans, they keep it to meddling in each other’s business interests and spreading scandals. No open war, and no assassinations. Nobles don’t spill noble blood.”

“Hm.” That was very much contrary to everything I knew about aristocracy as a concept. “Aster, any insight?”

“Do I look like I get my ass invited to high tea?” she demanded. “Auldmaer might have some knowledge of that. Or Minifrit, for that matter.”

“Good idea, I’ll ask around.”

“Whatever the reason, it’s a big deal,” said Auron. “Our only standing orders from Highlord Caldimer came down to that. We were ordered never to attack highborn under any circumstances, and handle ‘em real careful-like if a few turned up in merchant caravans we raided. Orders are not to kill highborn for any reason, no excuses allowed, and try not to ruffle ‘em any more than absolutely necessary if things went bad. And the boys were not to put their hands or anything else of theirs on highborn women. No exceptions. The Highlord made it clear that if those rules were ever broken during a bandit raid on our turf, the next thing that’d happen is the Olumnach Clansguard wiping us out like the filthy nest of rats we were. His exact words,” he added with a little smirk.

“Yeah, I figured. If those were the ‘standing’ orders, I gather there would be specific ones?”

“Yeah, from time to time. He’d send Clansguard to deliver ‘em. Not on any regular schedule, just whenever he was cooking something up. Orders to attack or not attack this or that caravan, or to avoid the road during a certain period. Occasionally hunt down a smaller target moving around our turf, or be on watch for something like that. It was always something different and we never understood it. Options for us were to do as we were told or get butchered. Guess which choice we picked.”

I nodded, thinking. Yeah, it made sense that Auldmaer and I weren’t the first people to try this. You can manipulate the hell out of the markets if you can determine which shipments do or don’t get where they’re heading. Never mind acquiring the shipments themselves; if you’re one of the people moving capital around in significant amounts the opportunities are limitless.

“Were you ever able to identify a pattern in these orders? Anything that would hint at his overall goals?”

“I, uh… Sorry, Lord Seiji.” Auron shook his head, giving me a nervous sidelong look. I didn’t bother to reassure him; words only counted for much, and after his life experiences thus far it would take time to make him believe I didn’t punish bad news. “Not beyond the overall objective of ‘make money.’ I’m sure it would’ve all made a lot more sense if you’ve got a scraw’s-eye view of Clan politics and the trade networks, but…”

“Yes, we’ve addressed the subject of your ass and high tea. Hm… I’m interested in developing a better general understanding of this Highlord…Caldimer, was it?”

“Caldimer,” he enunciated.

“That’s what I said.”

“You said…Carudimeru? I’m not sure where the extra syllables—”

Aster cleared her throat loudly. “Lord Seiji does not have an accent, Auron.” I’d have appreciated the show of loyalty more if she wasn’t smirking at me. Or if Biribo didn’t laugh himself out of the air.

“Ah, yes, of course. That’s my mistake, my lord, I’m sorry. I don’t hear so good anymore. It’s rough living that does it.”

I wasn’t sure whether it was a good or bad thing how quickly he got over being afraid of me, though I was starting to get the impression that Auron, at least, was going to fit in just fine with the crew. That, too, could be good or bad, affecting both my operational efficiency and the already high and still rising amount of sass I had to endure. For now I opted to focus on practicalities.

“Yes, well, anyway. I’ll ask you for more details about him in a more comfortable setting, when I have the luxury of devoting my full concentration to the subject.”

“I never met the man, Lord Seiji, but I’m happy to empty my skull for you,” Auron assured me, nodding, and I repressed a grimace. Why were all the Fflyr’s colloquialisms so…icky? “Just from secondhand knowledge I got a more’n passing impression Caldimer Olumnach’s a shitty piece of work even for a highborn. Be my pleasure to contribute any tidbit that ruins his day.”

“That’s something to look forward to, then. In the meantime, I need intel on other bandit gangs on Dount. Most importantly their locations, but anything else you can add will help.”

“Oh, that I can do. Yeah, it’s like how I said with our camp—I couldn’t walk you right to their front door, but I know enough from talking with others in the trade where generally a few of the camps are. Close enough to track ‘em down, if you’ve got a decent tracker.”

I nodded, glancing at Biribo. Sakin was a decent tracker, but in this case a familiar was even more useful.

“What about around here? I need to expand the territory under our control—we need the income from raiding, and also the food from having space to hunt and forage. But your camp is the only one whose location I knew, and I chose to abandon rather than seize it because it’s hell and gone from our home base. Next priority is to annex territory closer to us.”

“Yeah, makes sense,” he agreed, nodding. “You don’t wanna be trooping back and forth through other gangs’ turf, that’s askin’ for an edgewind full of shit. Yeah, Lord Seiji, I can point you to a few camps, like I said. Let’s see, we’re in the great western forest out here… Depending on how far north we are and your base is, there’s either one or two gangs between you and the waystation camp. Up north’s a crew based in the ravine maze that’s probably not too hard to take down. They rely on the terrain around ‘em for defense, and don’t even raid trade roads, just hit the outlying villages and farms. Way I hear it, they’re sneak thieves rather’n proper bandits. Pushovers, once you root ‘em out.”

“Good to know. But that’s up north; what about more directly between here and the waystation territory?”

“That news is less good,” he said, grimacing. “Yeah, that’s another group I’ve got a general idea where they’re located, but those fuckers are bad news, Lord Seiji. Bad.”

“How so?”

“It’s…” Auron paused, narrowing his eyes in thought. “Well, actually, you laid out the exact problem, back at the camp. That was a good speech, by the way. But yeah, there’s basically two kinds of bandits. You got the folks who had shitty luck or just couldn’t fit in and got chased out of, uh, normal society. And then you got the fuckers who love being out of normal society. The ones that live to gut people and generally wreck their shit. Different gangs have a different…balance, let’s call it. My group was a pretty even blend cos we had high turnover; we were right on Olumnach’s actual owned lands, so they’d send us new people directly when they found ‘em. There’s gangs like the one I mentioned up north that actively try not to cause any more trouble than they gotta to survive. Hell, I’ve heard of a group way out east that only hits highborn and tries to help out peasants when they can.”

I nodded. “I’m familiar with that group. In fact, I’ve already reached out to them. But I’m getting the impression that you’re leading up to a reveal that the nearest gang is the opposite of that.”

“Yeah,” he said, grimacing. “The reason is, that’s Clan Yldyllich land, Lord Seiji. The Yldyllich Clansguard do not fuck around. They catch you doing shit on their turf, you’re feeding the crawns. Clan Yldyllich makes a lot of its money operating a toll road where they guarantee safe passage and charge out the ass for it. Last time I heard of them actually catching bandits on their land, they force-marched ‘em to the edge of their territory, where they were in view of the major trade road, doused the poor bastards in asauthec and lit ‘em on fire.”

Aster winced. “That’s one way to make a statement.”

Yeah, I’d found that fire sent an emphatic message. Not that I wanted to dwell on it.

“So,” I said slowly, “naturally, any bandits that operate in their territory are both highly skilled…”

“And the most vicious sons of bitches ever to take up the trade,” he finished, nodding. “Yeah, that crew may not be the worst on the island, but trust me, they’re up there.”

“Not recruitment prospects, then,” I murmured. “Good. That’ll be…simpler.”

Auron eyed me sidelong. “Hm. I was about to ask a stupid question, but… Yeah, I guess the honest-to-goddess Dark Lord can wipe out a crew like that, huh? Alone, probably.”

“Doing it alone sounds like a needless risk,” I said, allowing myself a faint smile, “but yes. I’m not really worried about my chances. If anything, it’s needing to hold back that makes things…tactically challenging. Solving problems by destroying everything in the vicinity isn’t the most productive strategy under the majority of circumstances, but damn does it save time.”

“I’ll bet,” Auron agreed in a carefully neutral tone. “Anyway, that’s one of the few crews that might not even answer to Highlord Caldimer. There’s only a few gangs on the island he doesn’t control, the ones that’re either too wild to handle, too weak to be worth it, or have an ideological issue like those do-gooders out east. I dunno for certain, but given the risks he’d be taking by sending forces to bring ‘em to heel in Clan Yldyllich’s territory, I bet it’s a blank spot in his map.”

“Even better. Nobody will miss them.” Taking their territory might not be immediately productive as it sounded like I wasn’t ready to throw down with the Yldyllich Clansguard, either, but it would give us a relatively safe corridor to the valuable central territory we’d just seized, which I needed to assert control over before Clan Olumnach or someone else moved in. This group would definitely be my next target.

“Then to the south,” Auron continued, “in the area surrounding Gwyllthean, you got a bigger number of smaller gangs with a smaller territory each. That’s farming country, divvied up by dinky little Clans that’re direct vassals of Clan Aelthwyn. Y’know, the brown-haired ones whose ‘fortress’ is a house with an unusually high garden wall, and whose Clansguard is five guys who take turns carrying the spear. Clans like that are pretty much helpless, and since Clan Aelthwyn doesn’t seem to give a fuck…you get open banditry way closer to the city itself than there should be. Those gangs’re the poor bastards Caldimer’s been using to push in on Lady Gray’s territory in the Gutters. Way I hear it, that woman’s an even bigger monster than that gang over there on Yldyllich land.”

“Yeah, I’ve had the pleasure of her acquaintance,” I said dryly.

“I reckon you’ll find that more fertile ground, Lord Seiji. Lot of those boys and girls are that first type of bandit I mentioned, folks who’re desperate and grabbing at the only job they can hold down because it’s that or starve. Especially with this turf war going on—nobody wants to mix it up with that psycho bitch and her crews. There’s the—holy shit!”

“Ah,” I said, quite pleased at the reaction. “Home sweet home.”

We had just drawn close enough to see the towers and battlements of North Watch between the khora branches ahead, rearing up out of the forest itself with the mountains dramatically framed behind it. Most Ephemeral construction revealed the alien nature of its components in both their vivid colors and the more organic shapes the shell pieces encouraged, but the fortress was just a fortress. Stacked blocks, designed for stark utility; it looked like anything that might have been built in the medieval period on Earth, at least in its design. The akorthist bricks of which it was made also tended to overall look grayish and not unlike stone in dimmer light, thanks to their muted shades and the cloudy patina that akorthist apparently acquired when left outdoors for decades and not cleaned. Sometimes, though, like right now when the early morning sun glinted on it, you could see the moss-green, midnight blue and dark ivory shades of those bricks. Seen from a distance, under direct illumination, it almost looked made of candy.

Also, it was impressive because it was a fortress, and it was mine.

“We’re way up in… No way,” Auron breathed. “That’s North Watch! Holy shit, I wouldn’t have believed this heap was still standing!”

“Well, mostly,” I said modestly. “You’ll be able to see better once we’re inside, but it’s, ah, still kind of a work in progress.”

“Uh…” His impressed expression transitioned to one of worry. “It’s…an actual fortress. Like, yeah, I can definitely see the advantage of that, but… Lord Seiji, once the Clans find out you’re running a massive bandit operation out of a real fortress, it’s gonna be war. I mean, actual, for real, armies-on-the-march war. I’m honestly surprised you haven’t already stirred up the lizardfolk, they get pissy whenever any shenanigans happen too close to Viryan territory. You…haven’t had trouble with the lizardfolk, have you?”

“Haven’t even seen ‘em. Don’t worry, Auron, I know exactly how much of a provocation this is. I have a plan.”

He didn’t look terribly reassured, so of course I didn’t elaborate that my plan was actually several possible plans depending on how events unfolded from here, and several of them boiled down to ‘Immolate everybody until they fuck off out of my business.’

“We should be just about in time for breakfast—a good time to get you lot settled in. We’ll get a hot meal into you and then you can rest off the hike for a couple hours, since we pretty well ruined your cozy night’s sleep. This afternoon you can join up for training.”

“Training?” He turned a surprised look on me. “No offense, Lord Seiji, but we’ve been doing this for a while. Everybody here knows which end of a crossbow to use.”

One of the Alley cats snorted loudly, and two others laughed.

“Auron,” I said kindly, “I have good news and bad news, and both are that you’re not a bunch of bumbling fuckoffs rolling around in the forest anymore. We are here to get shit accomplished. Welcome to the Dark Crusade.”

That incited cheers from those behind me—including, to judge by the male voices joining in, from some of our new “hires.”

I, however, frowned. “Biribo, do I really have to call it the Dark Crusade? That’s just so…edgelord.”

“Boss, the nice thing about being Dark Lord is you can do whatever the fuck you feel like. But you gotta earn that privilege by demonstrating you have the power to do whatever the fuck you feel like and kick the shit out of whoever tells you not to. It’s gonna take some time to build to that point. In the short term, it’s probably best to play along with people’s expectations.”

“Ooh, can we call it the Pink Crusade?” Lionit chirped. “We could get matching uniforms! I look great in pink.”

“Okay, note to self,” I said aloud. “Lionit is never to be in charge of decorating anything.”

“Aww.”

“How about Seiji’s Circus of Terror?” Aster suggested, grinning.

“How about the Bad Bitches?” added Noraen.

“Ugh, that’s even worse than the first one,” Mierit groaned.

“As of right now,” I stated, raising my voice, “the Dark Lord is not accepting proposals to re-name the Dark Crusade!”

“Boo!”

“That’s not fair!”

“You used to be fun, Lord Seiji!”

“When did he use to be fun?” Aster demanded.

“This…” Auron had to stop, blink, and clear his throat. “…is not what I was expecting.”

I sighed and patted him heavily on the shoulder. “I feel you, man.”