Only Villains Do That

Among the potential targets Maugro found for me, I selected a “pawn shop” which was known to fence stolen goods for its perfect intersection of several criteria: it had survived the purge relatively unscathed, its proprietor had started voluntarily paying protection to one of the imported bandit gangs to secure his place against other looters, and the Olumnach Clansguard overseers had subsequently used it as a contact point to pass orders and receive tribute. It was the likeliest place for me to find what I needed, especially once Maugro got me info on the Olumnach’s schedule. So, the next night, that was where I went and kicked in the door.

That was not a euphemism.

“Konbanwa, motherfuckers!” I shouted cheerfully as the door rebounded off the inner wall.

“We’re closed,” exclaimed the man behind the counter, not unreasonably. “And don’t break my door! The fuck is wrong with you?”

Before I could address him, another man stepped directly in front of me, blocking my view—a particularly beefy fellow with a heavy cudgel in his hand. “Private party, buddy,” he rumbled. “You need to move along.”

I swept my eyes around the room, getting a quick count. One shopkeeper and five bandits. Or were they gangsters, now that they’d moved into the city? How meaningful was the distinction? I heard Aster step up behind me and noticed the distinctive eye movements of every man in the room as they took in her huge, obviously magical sword, and the collar of her obviously magical chain mail, then eased back nervously. The customary reaction of low-rent thugs to coming face to face with Blessed.

“Gentlemen!” I declaimed, spreading my arms wide, “I have come to educate you on the theory and practice of crime.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” grunted a man to my right, stepping up and already raising his sword.

Windburst!

He smashed against the wall, everyone else retreated, and the shopkeeper yelled from behind his counter. “Oh, come on! Can you not wreck the place, at least? That’s merchandise you’re blowing around, not your mum’s wyddh moulds!”

Looked like a bunch of junk to me, and anyway I didn’t have time for his problems.

“All right, lads, being serious,” I said in a suddenly more solemn tone. “We’re all men of the world; we know better than to take it personally when someone tries to murder us. Correct? That said, I do need to establish what happens if you interrupt me while I am making a speech.”

Immolate.

The spell hit my would-be silencer just as he was trying to scramble upright from being blown into the wall. As usual, there was no end of yelling, both from the immediate victim of the spell and the onlookers. The fence, in particular, seemed mightily upset about the sudden bonfire in the front corner of his shop. I couldn’t entirely blame him, and it wasn’t even my stuff getting singed. That spell was especially intimidating when used indoors, particularly under a ceiling as low as this one. There were going to be scorch marks all over the place. As always, I was glad khora-based construction wasn’t flammable.

I waited it out. Yeah, yeah, sound of ultimate suffering, and so on. Nothing I hadn’t seen before.

As soon as the unfortunate bandit was smoking and whimpering in pillbug pose, I loudly cleared my throat.

“Any questions?”

Everyone was pressed back against the walls, staring at me in terror. Except the shopkeeper, who seemed to possess a modicum of self-mastery. He slowly raised one hand.

“Uh, yeah. Can we, um, help you with something, m’lord?”

Nothing like a bit of fire and screaming to improve everybody’s attitude.

“You can listen,” I said kindly. “So. Crime! As you may be but probably are not aware, gentlemen, the ultimate defining characteristic of a state as a viable political body is its monopoly on violence. A state is only a state if it has the only say in who does harm to whom. There are all kinds of different ways to organize a government and a society, countless philosophies and religions, but in the end? You have police who are the only ones allowed to do violence at the country’s own citizens, and the army who have the exclusive right to do it to everyone else. Monopoly on violence. That is what a state, at the end of the day, is. And that’s why Fflyr Dlemathlys has to be considered a failed state, because… Well, I mean, look around. You all know what this place is like.”

Happened to be true, too. This was something I’d learned in college, from an actual professor, not my miscellaneous internet reading. I’d been pretty much winging it in terms of political ideology, using my own observations of human nature to fill in the gaps where I’d never studied politics or philosophy, and it was beginning to turn out that my combination of half-understood political philosophy and brilliantly persuasive public speaking led to kangaroo courts, summary executions, and massacres. It might be best if I dialed it back to stuff I was actually certain about for a while.

“Why’s he telling us this?” one of the bandits stage whispered to another, who made a slashing gesture for silence at him.

“And thus, crime,” I lectured, swaggering further into the shop and leaving Aster to cover the door. “In the absence of any kind of functional governance, we human beings sadly revert to more primitive means of organization. In a way, you can gauge how civilized a region is by the role strength plays in social standing. Under any kind of decent social order, the capacity to kick ass means virtually nothing in day-to-day life. But here, where there are in effect no laws, save as extensions of the already established power of the authorities to ravage and murder? Once outside their purview, there is only the hierarchy of the pack. He knows what I’m talking about.”

I gestured grandly to the man I’d just Immolated, who flinched and tried to hide behind a rack of shelves.

“In short, gentlemen,” I proclaimed, “I can hurt you with nothing but a thought, a lot worse than you could hurt me with every ounce of effort you can muster. That means I’m in charge.”

There was absolute silence in the pawn shop.

“Could…” one of the bandits finally rasped hoarsely, “could you not have just said that?”

I gave him a pleasant smile and a self-effacing shrug. “That’s not really how I do things.”

Behind me, Aster snorted loudly.

“Well, all right, then,” said the shopkeeper, raising his hands. “You’re in charge. Glad we’ve established that. So, my original question stands: how exactly can we help you, sir?”

“You gents are expecting a visit from a representative of Clan Olumnach,” I said, smiling. “When?”

Everybody went silent again, looking nervously at each other.

I sighed. “I see I need to establish a bit more of the nuance of this situation. Now, let’s see, you lads will have been moved into the Gutters just within the last week. Previously you were part of a bandit gang out in the khora, yes?”

“Aye, that’s right.”

“Adler,” hissed one of the other men.

“What?” Adler shrugged emphatically. “He obviously knows, and it’s not like that’s a secret anyway.”

“Which group?” I asked, maintaining the same pleasant demeanor. When they all just looked at each other again, I prompted further. “Maybe Kosach’s gang? Or were you the…privateers Clan Fladwych paid to poach on their neighbors’ lands? No? Perhaps the lads who had that sweet little gig due west of the city, extorting protection from those two outlying villages near the frontier?”

“Hell’s revels, he’s well-informed,” Adler muttered, then raised his voice, addressing himself to me. “We had a little camp in the border forest between the Clan Luoch and Clan Oliwyn fiefs…uh, my lord. Didn’t really hit the farms or any travelers, we only stayed there because Clan Olumnach paid us to do some…y’know, minor damage and thefts and such in the villages around there. Make the place feel unsafe, cast doubt on Clan Aelthwyn’s ability to keep the peace. It was all way more politics than I ever liked, but we weren’t bandits to begin with because we had any better options.”

“Ah! You lot were with Tig, Nannit and Adiret’s group!”

The fellow I’d Immolated hid again; the others suddenly glared and Adler actually took an aggressive step toward me.

“How’d you know about that?” he demanded. “What did you do to the girls?”

“Oh, they’re fine,” I assured him. “Better off than you are. First thing we did was get a decent meal into them, and then some proper clothing. Camping outdoors in autumn calls for better than the rags they were wearing. I see you boys have yet to catch up.”

“Who’s…we, exactly?” Adler asked. Evidently he was the official spokesman of the group, if not its leader.

“Ah, that’s right! Here I forgot to introduce myself. How very rude, my humble apologies.” I bowed, shallowly but deliberately, because it wigged out every Fflyr I did it to and my purposes were best served by emphasizing that I was not going to play by the rules they knew. “I am Lord Seiji, and you work for me now.”

“Oh, boy,” the fence muttered from safely behind his counter. “This just got a lot more interesting than I wanna see in my shop…”

The rest of the lads looked at Adler, who drew in a deep breath, visibly steeling himself.

“Uh, look, Lord…Seiji. Please don’t burnify me for pointing it out, but we’re working for Clan Olumnach. Highlord Caldimer is not a man you wanna fuck with. He wasn’t even before his kid got knifed and he went berserk, and now I’m uncomfortable enough with him knowin’ I exist. I don’t mean no disrespect, but just cos you’re Blessed doesn’t mean you’re ready to take him on.”

“That is correct.” I pointed at him and nodded approvingly. “This is why I’m ready to take him on: I’m the guy who dismantled Lady Gray’s organization and drove her out of the Gutters. I have the Kingsguard itself in my pocket, as well as the women of Cat Alley and what’s left of the Gutter Rats. Highlord Caldimer moved you lot into the Gutters to seize Lady Gray’s old turf because I let him. While he was doing that, I swept through the countryside and seized control of what was left of your gangs out there, and began stirring the Aelthwyn-aligned Clans up to create a pretext for Archlord Caludon to move against him directly.”

I gave them a moment to let that sink in before continuing, putting on a smug smile.

“You’re accustomed to thinking of Clan Olumnach as in control of the bandit gangs in rural Dount, right? Well, as of now, I am in control of those gangs. Olumnach has lost his grip on the countryside, while I’ve tightened mine. He’s in the process of losing his ability to leverage his Clansguard. You boys and the others like you are the last viable assets he had left—and you’re now in the Gutters, where I want you. Where I can move the Kingsguard and the remains of Lady Gray’s information network as I please. I can walk into a room with the lot of you and let myself be surrounded at will, and not just because I can kill you all with my brain: so long as you’re in my city, it is I who have you surrounded.”

Pause again, fade expression to a flat stare…

“This is my island.”

Pause. God, I loved the drama of it.

“So, gentlemen, I will ask you again, as a generous and merciful lord to his vassals. When, exactly, do you expect the contact from your previous master to arrive?”

I gave them a couple of seconds to mull it over. They didn’t need more than that; the rest of them looked to Adler’s lead, and he spoke after just a heartbeat of silence.

“Should be any time now, my lord. Deal’s always that they come to us on their own time, and expect us to wait around at their convenience. It’s been a bit trickier here in town than it was out in the forest where we just didn’t have much to do. Here, they want us to be pushing on Gray’s old contacts to take ‘em over, and also bring in income from doing jobs in the city. Which we ain’t even familiar enough with to be any good at, yet. And on top of that, we’re to wait around in meeting spots with every lad available for inspection. You know highborn, m’lord. The Olumnach people are pretty big on…y’know. Keeping us in our place.”

I clicked my tongue disapprovingly, shaking my head. “Now that’s just poor management, is what that is. Not to mention disrespectful of you gentlemen and your time. You’ll find we do things differently in my organization.”

“Differently how, my lord?” one of the other bandits asked, seeming to find some of his nerve.

“There’s more listening to speeches, right?” ventured another.

They all tensed, looking at him.

“They’re good speeches, though,” Aster said. I glanced back to note that she was leaning against the wall by the door, arms folded. “Lord Seiji’s better than a bard. He gets talking and it’s as entertaining as it is informative. More so, often enough.”

My loyal subordinate, everyone.

“That,” I agreed, inclining my head magnanimously. “More importantly, I look after my people. You’re the boys out in the thick of it doing the work; there’s absolutely no excuse for you to be hungry and carrying shabby equipment. We’ll fix all that at the earliest opportunity, but things are going to be a bit less settled until I finish straightening out the Gutters. Now then! That leaves you, sir.”

The shopkeeper to whom I turned put on a big customer service smile and folded down his hands at me. “It’s an honor to have you in my humble shop, Lord Seiji. I flatter myself that I’m something of a fixture of this neighborhood. I was in business here before Lady Gray rose to power, and wasn’t much surprised to have outlasted her. Here I was prepared to deal with Clan Olumnach’s agents as the next established power in the Gutters, but I suppose I needn’t get comfortable with the idea, eh? Well, no matter. Good old Laerdh is just as happy to provide you with the same excellent service, my lord.”

“All this to say that you’re not interested in declaring for me, either?” I summarized in a dry tone.

He shrugged, smiling blandly. “I’m just a businessman, my lord. Just let me know what you’re owed for protection, should you be in control of that operation, and we’ll get along swimmingly. It’s not for the likes of me to take sides in political squabbles. Laerdh will always be here to provide you with the finest curios and treasures that make their way through the Gutters, and to help you turn any such you happen to acquire into good, spendable coin.”

“Hm.” I looked around the shop, which was too dim to make out many details, but at a glance it looked like…well, junk. Everything from clothes to furniture, toys and jewelry and all sundries in between, none of it of apparently stellar quality. There was no apparent theme; it was just a general-purpose pawn shop.

“Of course, I don’t keep the good items out here for the riffraff to paw through,” Laerdh hastened to assure me, following my gaze and reading my expression. “If your lordship is interested in any…specialty items, I can show you some of my discreet selection from the back. Or, if it’s a particular treasure you’re on the lookout for that’s not among my stock, I’m always pleased to put out my tendrils and see what can be found. I don’t even mess about with finder’s fees! It’s enough to see a satisfied customer walk out my door with their heart’s desire in hand.”

“You got any spell scrolls back there?” I asked hopefully.

His smile faded and he blinked twice. “…spell scrolls?”

“Yes,” I explained patiently. “They are scrolls which—and stay with me, this is the complicated part—have spells on them.” Aster sighed softly.

“Ah.” Laerdh nodded once. “My lord, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re in Gwyllthean. It’s a city on Dount—an outlying island in the worst kingdom in the archipelago.”

I stared at him; he stared back, and after a moment coughed discreetly and continued.

“Sure, I keep the spell scrolls out back in my invisible tower. That’s where I’ve got the Goddess’s underclothes, the platinum crowns of the four Queens of Lancor and the gate key to Shylverrael.”

An interesting set of noises issued from the bandits in the shop; at least two hastily muffled snickers and as many apprehensive hisses of indrawn breath.

I studied Laerdh curiously. He was a short fellow, balding and paunchy, with a sharp nose and the generally oily look of a small-time salesman. I’d have expected him to be unctuous and sniveling, especially after that little speech of his; the backbone and sarcasm came as a surprise.

“You.” I pointed at him. “I like you.”

“My lord is too kind.” Laerdh grinned and folded down his hands again.

“That was a bold move, considering the other likely response to sassing me would have involved burning and screaming.”

“In business, one must take risks. You don’t strike me as a man of such fragile ego as to demand bowing and scraping from everyone.” He glanced past me at Aster.

“True enough. All right, lads, before he gets here, tell me what I should expect from the Olumnach representative. Any Blessings? Martial skills? Other relevant details?”

“It’s not always the same guy,” said Adler, “but among those who’ve been sent… Well, if they were Blessed, they never showed it. No obvious artifacts and didn’t do magic in front of us. Dunno how much that means, m’lord, we sure as hell never got shirty enough to need such demonstrations. As for martial skills… Well, none of them was ever in armor.”

“Fighters, though,” added another bandit. “You can always tell, by the way they move. Way they ain’t scared of bein’ around rough lads like us. Every man they sent carried a sword—rapiers, nobleman’s weapons.” He nodded at my own. “They was all middleborn, too. Well-bred enough, as things go, but probably not of the Olumnach bloodline.”

“So, nothing worth worrying about.”

“Not weaklings, either,” Adler hastened to add. “I suspect these boys are Clansguard commanders out of uniform. And the Olumnach Clansguard ain’t pushovers. If you’re gonna gork this guy, best do it from behind while he’s distracted.”

“No, no.” I held up a warning hand. “None of that, I need him alive. He’s going to tell me every detail about his Clan’s operations that I don’t already know.”

Laerdh coughed discreetly. “Ah, my lord, it’s worth mentioning that the kind of men the Highlord uses to herd bandits are bound to him by more than coin and intimidation. They’re not spineless, nor destitute. It’ll take you more than a pretty speech and some spells to turn them.”

“Don’t you worry,” I said with a wink, “I’m very persuasive when I need to be.”

“Yeah, I fuckin’ believe that all right,” mumbled the guy I’d Immolated.

“Well, can’t say he didn’t persuade us quick enough,” Adler agreed.

“You know, you boys are all right,” I said cheerfully. “I really hope I don’t have to kill any of you later.”

They exchanged another round of glances.

“Is, uh…” Adler began hesitantly. “Is there any way we might… Better our chances of not having to be killed?”

“Well, that all depends on how you are with women and children.”

He blinked at me in pure bafflement, then turned to one of his comrades for clarification, getting only a shrug.

“Ohhh,” Laerdh murmured. “The Cats and the Rats, I see how it is. Now that’s a shrewd angle, Lord Seiji. Gather up the most abused and despised? Well, there are plenty of those in Dlemathlys. Not much is more subversive in this country than compassion for the downtrodden.”

“Oh, I getcha,” another bandit said, his expression clearing. “I see whatcha mean, m’lord. Aye, you’ll have gotten to know both types, if you’ve been out gathering up bandits. We get ‘em both, lads like us who fell into a spot of hard luck, and them other bastards who were just gonna be bastards no matter what.”

“Oh, yeah,” Adler added, catching on. “I guess that’s as good a test as any of a man’s worth. Yeah, we’ve seen some shit out there. Some of those fuckstains’d rape their own sisters if they got bored enough. No, I doubt you’ll find any complaint with me or the boys, here. Tig an’ the others’ll vouch for us, I bet.”

“Yeah, we ain’t middleborn gentlemen with fancy manners,” chimed in another, “but the girls never complained that I heard. Ain’t hard to be a decent enough sort, even if you’re out robbing for a living.”

“Good to hear,” I said noncommittally. Time would tell.

The shop door opened, suddenly. Biribo hadn’t warned me—he was down my coat rather than in Aster’s pocket for the specific reason of being able to give warning if he felt it necessary. That he hadn’t bothered told me we weren’t in danger. I turned around at an unhurried pace to find myself face to face with the representative of Clan Olumnach.

He was pretty much as the bandits had just described. Fairly pale of complexion with coarse brown hair, and wealthier than most middleborn, to judge by the extravagant silver trim and decorative chains on his charcoal gray coat. The obligatory rapier hung at his waist; currently he had his left hand resting on the pommel in the quasi-threatening position of a man reminding us he had a sword but not quite on the verge of drawing it.

“What exactly is this?” he demanded, curling up his lip at me. “You idiots were told to be discreet. You, foreigner! This is a private meeting. Go elsewhere.”

“Wow,” I said, impressed in spite of myself. “That was a lot of needing to be taken down a peg packed into just a couple of short sentences. I hate him already. Thanks, my guy, that makes the next part easier.”

The sneer deepened and he changed the position of his hands, moving the right across his waist to grasp the handle and prepare to draw his blade—a thing I had not done because this cramped and cluttered shop was the worst possible place to try and use a long weapon like a rapier.

“If you are considering—”

And that was as far as he got before Aster shot him in the back with a sleep dart.

“Damn, but that felt good,” she declared, looking down her nose at the rich soldier as he slumped to the floor. I had been pleasantly surprised to learn she was carrying one of those stingers. Perhaps I should have Kasser make me one, as well; I’d been making do with my Blessings, but my particular arsenal of spells and artifacts made overwhelming force my only option in most situations. I lacked a means of discreetly neutralizing targets.

“The hell just happened?” demanded one of the bandits.

“Thank you, Aster,” I said. “All right, lads! Welcome to the team. Gather up our luggage, there, and we’ll be off. Through back alleys, if you please; the fewer eyes there are on this, the better.”

“Uh, sure,” said Adler as one of his fellows stepped forward and bent to hoist the falling Olumnach soldier over his shoulder. “Where, uh… Where exactly are we going, m’lord?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll lead the way,” I assured him. Something told me it was best not to mention the goblins in front of Laerdh, as concerned as they were with their privacy. And speaking of which, there was the matter of mitigating the risk of letting him live, because I wasn’t quite fallen to the depth of killing people just for knowing too much.

Yet.

I turned, reaching into my coin pouch, and tossed the fence a gold halo. “For your trouble, sir. We both know you won’t stay bribed as soon as my back is turned, so we’ll call that compensation for any damages caused. And when I say that neither I, these boys, or the Olumnach rep ever showed up here tonight, it is purely in the spirit of friendly advice. That’s the story that’ll keep you maximally out of trouble no matter who ends up reigning over Dount’s underworld.”

“A very cogent analysis, my lord,” he said smoothly, having already made the coin disappear. With a grin, Laerdh folded down his hands again. “Forgive me, it seems I’ve already forgotten your name and what you look like. It’s been a surprising pleasure and I look forward to either working with you in the future or forgetting that you ever existed.”

For now, that would have to do. If I succeeded in my planned next steps, what he knew would be irrelevant before anyone he talked to could act on it.

“Good man. All right, gentlemen! Off we go. The night is young, and I have so much more to teach you about crime.”