Only Villains Do That

“I don’t mind sleeping in a barracks with other women,” Sicellit stated in a particularly tightly-wound voice. “I understand those are the available accommodations out here and it’s not much of a hardship. Hell, it’s more comfortable than my own room back at the Cat because I specifically do not have to worry about men climbing on top of me in there!”

“Oh, please,” Ydleth sneered, dripping disdain. “Absolutely no one—”

“Well, not yet!” Sicellit snarled back.

“Whoah, hold up, I’m confused.” I sure as hell was. Surely nobody had tried to assault Sicellit—or any of the women here? Everybody in this place knew most of its population were ex-Alley cats who’d just slaughtered a bunch of thugs over exactly that kind of thing.

“Just… This doesn’t need to be your problem, Lord Seiji,” Sicellit said, visibly trying to restrain her temper. “I just don’t want to share a dorm with a man. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Miss Minifrit can have him moved—”

“Oh, fuck you, you self-righteous twat!” Ydleth shrieked. “I’m not moving because you’ve decided to be a bitch about something that’s none of your fucking business!”

“Then why are you in here making it everyone’s business at the top of your lungs in the middle of dinner?!”

“You started this!”

“Like hell I did!”

“Shut up.” I spoke more sharply than I’d intended; the confusion was not helping my already fatigued mental state. “Sicellit, what are you on about? Is there a man in your dorm? I guess your point is reasonable, but…who?”

Wordlessly, she pointed at Ydleth. There was some muttering from around the room, but mostly anticipatory silence that warned me any action I took here could have far-reaching consequences.

I blinked at Ydleth, who looked furious enough to kill. And also, now that I looked closely, on the verge of tears. Past the verge, in fact; she angrily scrubbed at her eyes while I stared, failing to disguise the trembling of her lower lip.

Wait… What?

Ydleth was tall, sure—taller than me, in fact—but fine-boned and even somewhat scrawny. She was one of those people who’d probably look awkward in motion if she hadn’t so mastered the exaggerated swaying walk and flirtatious mannerisms prostitutes were so good at. I knew her as someone excessively fond of off-color jokes and irrepressibly cheerful despite how constantly she seemed to acquire black eyes and bloody lips. This fury was as out of character on her as it was on the normally unflappable Sicellit. The only thing about her that really stood out among the Cats was that she wore one of those high-necked tight undershirts instead of showing off cleavage like every other…

Oh.

It occurred to me that I might have just blithely waded into something far more complicated than I was prepared to deal with.

“How long have you two been at this?” I asked, stalling frantically for time. Shit shit shit, what was I supposed to do here? “Frankly, outbursts like this are out of character for both of you.”

“Oh, it’s been all day, Lord Seiji,” said Keffin from a nearby table. I vaguely recalled her being one of their roommates. “Sicellit saw Ydleth changing, Ydleth freaked out, and it’s just gone from there.”

“They’re being a pair of big fat children about it,” added Jadrin, folding her arms and looking condescending. “Both of ‘em keep pissing away opportunities to de-escalate and clawing for each other’s eyes instead.”

“Sicellit’s not wrong, though,” someone muttered from behind me, just loud enough I knew she meant to be heard but could pretend otherwise.

“Oh, fuck off,” snapped Leiret, a woman who’d worked in the same brothel as Ydleth, jumping to her feet across the aisle. “Ydleth’s a sweet girl, and her business is none of anybody else’s!”

That, of course, was the cue for everybody who had an opinion about this—which was evidently most of them—to begin offering them all at once. Ydleth looked like she wanted very much to die on the spot. Somewhat to my surprise, so did Sicellit.

I pointed one finger in the air and fired a Sparkspray at the ceiling, causing instant quiet. A bit less emphatic than firing a gun, but man, I could make a lot of problems disappear if I had one of those…

Right here and now, I was still no closer to figuring a way out of this mess I’d gotten myself into.

“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “Ydleth, not to be indelicate…”

“Oh, here it comes,” she growled, folding her arms.

That caused a spike of irritation to flare through me, which caused Junko to lay her ears back and growl. Ydleth immediately looked wary, and I continued with a lot less hesitation.

“So I gather that back in Cat Alley you were a provider of specialty services to customers of very particular tastes?”

It could be hard to tell with the brown-skinned lowborn, but Ydleth’s cheeks definitely darkened in a blush. She put on a defiant posture, however, tossing her hair back and raising her chin.

“Yeah, what of it?”

“So… Just saying, if you don’t have to do that anymore—”

“This is who I am!” she snapped, taking an aggressive step toward me.

Junko barked sharply and she immediately backed off again, which I judged adequate remonstration and refrained from calling her down further.

“So. Just to be clear. You are a woman?”

“Yes! I am!”

I shrugged, turning back to Sicellit. “Says she’s a woman. Seems like she’d know. That would seem to settle the matter, right?”

No, I didn’t actually think that would work, I’m not an idiot. It was worth trying, though. At that moment I’d have tried anything that even might get me out of this debacle.

“He has a cock!” Sicellit roared, pointing at Ydleth.

“Did she try to stick it in you?”

That spilled out of my mouth before my brain could catch up, causing Sicellit to gape at me and several of the onlookers to snicker.

“Wh—I don’t—”

“’cause I didn’t think this really needed to be said, considering who we’ve got gathered here,” I continued sternly, “but I will absolutely not stand for that kind of bullshit. Anybody forcing themselves on anyone else in my fortress is asking for me to invent an exciting new way for them to die. So I’ll ask you again, Sicellit: did Ydleth try anything like that with you?”

“I—no, it’s just… He doesn’t belong in—”

“Then what’s the problem here?” I demanded. “If you don’t get along with your roommate, fine, talk to Minifrit about changing rooms. I can’t see any good reason for either of you to be screaming in the mess hall or dragging each other’s personal business in front of the whole place.”

“I—you can’t—that isn’t—” Sicellit seemed on the verge of some kind of episode, which was clearly not being helped by Ydleth’s growing expression of smugness. “You can’t just decide you’re a woman! Lord Seiji, you can’t tolerate this!”

“Really, Sicellit? You wanna live under an authority that investigates and enforces the contents of your pants? Can’t think of a single way that might backfire on you?”

I knew that was the wrong thing to say the instant it was too late. Multiple people cackled with glee, including Ydleth, and Sicellit clenched her fists in impotent fury. I already knew there was more going on here than the question of Ydleth’s junk; these two had been at each other at least all day, and even that had probably been building up since before the big reveal this morning. I didn’t care about their personal business, I just needed to keep the peace and lay down some rules of conduct, and humiliating Sicellit wasn’t going to accomplish any of that. It would just alienate her. Which could cause me trouble with Minifrit, who I knew relied on Sicellit a lot.

Ugh, what a fucking mess.

How was I going to get out of this one? I could try explaining the complexities of gender to Sicellit, but an important first step in that would’ve been knowing the first fucking thing about it myself. I consider myself something of an amateur psychologist, a well-read layperson at the very least; there are countless fascinating dimensions to the variety of human experiences, and this was just one of the many about which I’d never given a shit. My entire understanding of the topic was that there had been a lot of social media drama about it on both the English and Japanese internet and none of it had been interesting to me.

From the corner of my eye, I saw movement from the direction of the door. Kasser had just slipped in, watching all this warily and keeping well back from it. No sign of Minifrit or Naz and the girls; apparently they were still getting the gwynneks squared away and had decided they didn’t need his help.

Wait. Kasser.

Of my initial bandit crew, he’d been the most hostile to me at first, which I’d put down to me having Immolated him that time, but it had to be said I had responded to his abrasiveness with my own and that had definitely not helped. Until the episode with the Spirit. I’d shown Kasser some kindness, and then started giving him responsibility, crediting his successes and granting him a high position as he proved himself capable, and now here he was, one of my most valuable supporters.

And that reminded me of my impromptu rant in the forest, about how stupid it was that he and Harold were given such a hard time over something that didn’t affect anyone else. And then, of my…measured and articulate…statement of opinion on a similar subject just this evening, as we were walking home.

That was it: that was my out. A way to accomplish my goal of using this incident to establish some standards for the overall group, without taking sides in this ridiculous catfight or declaring a position on the oh-so-pressing issue of Ydleth’s crotch, because the fuck I was touching that.

“Hush,” I ordered, and the laughing ceased. Not as instantly, this time, but it trailed off within a couple of seconds.

I took a few steps to the side and leaned against the edge of the clearest table in range, half-sitting there. For four more seconds I let the silence hang, ratcheting up the anticipation, and then spoke in a deliberately more thoughtful tone.

“Sicellit, have you ever given any thought to why you do the things you do?”

She scowled at me, clenching her fists again, and I shook my head.

“Sorry, that was poorly phrased. I’m not trying to pick on you. It was a more general ‘you,’ or I guess a we. I’m talking about the reasons for a lot of the stuff that human beings get up to. For example, how people like Ydleth here tend to get pushed out of ordinary society. Or why that happens to… Hell, anybody. Whores, goblins, lowborn in general, women in general… Man, it seems like we’ve been over this so many times I almost hate to bring it up again. This country sure does seem set up to make an awful lot of the people in it unnecessarily miserable.

“And I know you’ve all heard me explain why. It’s the universal divide and conquer strategy, the way the highborn keep everyone under control by keeping everyone at each other’s throats. Having innocent scapegoats to blame for all the colossal social problems they cause. All of which is true—and I’m not accusing you of that, Sicellit, or anyone else here, let’s be clear. But I think it’s important to understand not only that they do this, but why it works.”

I paused again, suggesting by my expression that it was for thought, but in actuality for dramatic effect.

“People,” I finally said, speaking slowly and staring pensively at the far wall, “possess an inherent need to categorize. It’s part of the nature of thought; there’s no getting around it. We need to know how to define something or we’ll be bothered by it, and seeing a thing out of its proper place is like an itch in the brain. Worse, if we can’t tell what something’s place is. Come on, everybody’s had that experience from time to time. You see a thing where it doesn’t go and it’s like somebody poked you in the eye.”

A couple of chuckles at that, and a lot of nods. Good, we were making progress.

“So obviously, that trait is really easy for the people in power to turn against you. All they have to do is create the suggestion that somebody doesn’t belong, that they aren’t right, and boom! Instant scapegoat. It’s even easier once social programming comes into play. There are certain innate tendencies rooted deeply in the core of our minds that push us to be hostile to others and outsiders. Bullying, for example, is a huge problem in every society that’s ever existed because it’s inherently a bonding activity. Ganging up on somebody brings us closer together! It’s pretty fucked up, but it’s true. Nothing binds people into a group quite like having an enemy to fight—and in the absence of an enemy, having a victim to pick on creates exactly the same effect.”

“You think I was bullying her?” Sicellit burst out.

“No,” I said with open exasperation, “I think you two are suffering from a personality clash and a collective lack of maturity. Seriously, I expect better public behavior from Gilder.”

“It’s not hard, girls,” Gilder himself piped up from the other end of the room. “Just mind your own business and don’t be an asshole. Super simple, give it a try!”

I felt the beginning of what promised to be a truly spectacular headache blossom directly behind my left eye.

“I am simply making it clear,” I said loudly before this could derail any harder, “since you’ve decided to have this out in front of damn well everyone, why I will not be tolerant of any bullshit directed at Ydleth over this in the future. Because, and this is the important part: all that stuff I just talked about? We will not be doing that here.”

I stood up again, slowly turning my head to take in the whole room, noting with approval the intent attention fixated on me from all sides.

“As far as enemies and bonding activities go? We are more than covered. There are plenty of people who want us all dead; we will be directing our aggressive energies at them, and not at one another. There is absolutely no need for any of us to go singling people out for harsh treatment. The reason you’re inclined to do that is, as I said, social bonding. Well, look around you, folks. We eat together, train together, work together, and together we will systematically cut the ground out from under our enemies and smile as we watch them die with our boots on their necks.”

That got me a round of cheers, which I rewarded with a grim smile.

“The people you see in this room are everything you have in this world. And together, out here in the wilderness, we are free of the expectations that were only forced upon us all in the first place to keep us under control. I want you all to think about that—about what you were taught is and isn’t allowed for people to be and do, and why. In the Dark Crusade we have no need to force individuals into some universal mold. Here, you can be who you are, and nobody but you gets to decide what that means.

“I don’t care what your background is. Lowborn or high, human or goblin or beastfolk or whatever else might eventually join us, we’re all equally valid. Nobody more than any other. You can love who you love, however they’re willing to let you, and nobody but you gets to determine your identity. If Ydleth says she’s a woman, that is the beginning and end of the matter. Hell, if Donon over there decides he wants to be a really tall, oddly-colored goblin with stunted ears and weird teeth, then fine, he can be a goblin. You don’t need to agree with or even accept someone else’s claims about themselves, but you need to leave them alone and mind your business if you can’t. Understand?”

Donon raised his hand. “Uh, just to be clear, I don’t think I’m a goblin. I just like them.”

Laughter ensued, further throwing off my rhythm. Motherfucker, so help me I was gonna go over there and kick him in the jewels…

“It was just an example, Donon,” I said patiently. “For now, have I made my expectations plain?”

“Yes, Lord Seiji,” Sicellit said stiffly. She definitely didn’t look happy, but I thought she seemed… I don’t know, less wound up. Hopefully this wasn’t going to become a recurrent thing, at least.

“With all that said,” I continued, “personalities are what they are and people who legitimately can’t stand each other, for whatever reason, don’t necessarily need to share sleeping quarters. If you—or anyone—is having a roommate problem, talk to Minifrit about getting a new room.”

In my fatigue I had nearly told them all to just swap rooms with whoever they wanted, but remembered in the nick of time that we were deliberately trying to keep members of different organizations and groups from Gwyllthean shuffled about so they didn’t fall back into old cliques. Minifrit could prevent that if re-rooming requests went through her.

Ydleth snorted loudly, folding her arms. “Hell, why should she get to scurry off after all the shit she’s pulled today?”

I rather think the look I directed at her was sufficient warning that she was one more careless word from an in-person demonstration of Dark Lord magic even before Junko growled a pointed agreement with my change of mood. I had been that close to defusing this, and the brat had the pigheaded gall to start it up again?

“I’m just saying,” Ydleth protested, “that’s like rewarding someone for being dhak!”

Minifrit, in that improbably swift and stealthy way of hers, had materialized seemingly by magic and rapped Ydleth sharply between the eyes with her pipe.

“Learn to pick your battles, girl,” she said in a tone that brooked no further nonsense while Ydleth reeled backward, clutching at her forehead. “And, in general, pick fewer of them. Both of you, sit down and eat. I will deal with you both in detail later, and I cannot advise strongly enough that you draw no further attention to yourselves in the meantime.”

The pair hunched their shoulders and slunk away in opposite directions. Fortunately for them, they didn’t have to be the target of any further group derision as a splendid distraction had just appeared. Gasps and mutters swelled throughout the mess hall and people turned to stare at the front doors, where the rest of my new arrivals had just come in.

At their head stood Nazralind, head uncovered to display her pointed ears and implausibly beautiful features—likely the first elf many of the lowborn around me had seen in person, and undoubtedly the first who wasn’t an enemy. Behind her came her whole coterie of pale, dark-eyed and mostly-blonde friends. Even in their travel-stained masculine clothing, the Fflyr caste system made it plain that we had just been joined by our first defectors from the ruling class.

“Oh, that smells fantastic,” Nazralind said cheerily, striding straight down the central aisle with no indication of unease. “Thank the Goddess we got here at dinner time, I would kick my own mother down the stairs for a hot meal right now.”

“That won’t be necessary,” I said dryly. “Go on up to the serving table, ladies, Donon will get you set up with everything you need.”

“Much obliged, Lord Seiji,” the elf said, folding down her hands at me, and then followed my directions with the rest of her coterie trailing along behind. I was impressed by how utterly unperturbed they all seemed by the whispering and staring which followed them everywhere.

I could certainly do with a meal myself, but in that moment, I felt a pressing need to get out from under the expectant regard of…everyone. Ideally before I fell asleep standing up or had a lapse of temper which would damage morale. I made my way carefully toward the far door that led to the kitchen, watching as Nazralind collected a plate and casually asked several dumbstruck former whores at the nearest table if she could join them. The rest of the ladies did likewise; there was room in the mess hall for them to cluster together at one of the unoccupied tables near the front, but instead they dispersed, politely slipping into open spots among the rest of the crew and visibly turning on the charm.

Now that was a smart move in their position, and I didn’t doubt for a second that it had been pre-planned. That was Nazralind all over: so useless in the strategy and tactics department that she might as well have just been isekai’d here from some high school drama club, but her social skills were absolutely on point. The benefits of a noblewoman’s education.

“Hey, Biribo,” I said as I ducked into the dark corridor leading toward the kitchen, “how much trouble is it going to be integrating the…philosophy I just laid out with an actual Viryan culture, when we start having to deal with one?”

“Boss, that might as well have been Viryan philosophy. They’re all different in a variety of ways, but that emphasis on self-determination and the worth of the individual? Classic stuff. You should fit right in.”

“Good, one less future headache,” I muttered. I really wished I had bothered to learn about political philosophies beyond “they’re all stupid.” Which, to be fair, they are, but when I’d had internet access I had never imagined I would one day need to implement one. Individualism, minding your own business and being nice to people…what was that called, libertarianism? I was pretty sure it was either libertarianism or the opposite of that. I had definitely not handled the revelation about Ydleth in a manner that would satisfy anybody with an opinion about gender politics, but fuck it, I wasn’t trying to build some kind of utopia out here; I just needed these people to fall in line. “At least that mess is settled.”

“I really admire your optimism,” Aster said, making me jump as I hadn’t noticed her following me, “if you think that is in any way settled.”

“It is settled,” I declared with a scowl as we stepped into the kitchen. “I have settled it. And anyone who unsettles it is going to spend some time burning and screaming. I have had enough of this asinine drama.”

“If you do that,” she said flatly, “I will stab you myself.”

I rounded on her, and instead of following up on her threat, she reached out and took me by both shoulders, giving me a fond smile.

“That was a good start. I get how frustrating it is, but this is now past the point where shows of force are going to help. What these people needed was guidance and expectations, and you just gave them that. In that uniquely Seiji way, where you’re apparently well-meaning and not even wrong but still manage to be the biggest possible prick about it. Now, let me and Minifrit and the others take over, okay? Trying to enforce good behavior isn’t really going to work; it has to be encouraged, guided.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Gannit commented from where she was dishing something up from a cauldron over the fire. “What’s this about you burninating people, Dark Lord Crankypants? Bad boys gotta eat in the kitchen with the help.”

I realized what she was doing was setting up a serving of bread and stew on the kitchen table, and now pulled out a chair for me with her characteristic saucy grin. At the sudden reminder that I was one of the only people in this place who hadn’t yet eaten, my stomach growled embarrassingly.

“Well said,” Minifrit agreed, stepping into the kitchen. “I mean Aster, of course, not Gannit.”

“Oh, up yours,” Gannit cackled. “And put out that fucking pipe in my kitchen! What the hell is wrong with you, girl? Don’t spray smoke where people are cooking.”

“Thank you,” I exclaimed, seating myself and grabbing the spoon while Gannit added another setting for Aster. “I keep telling her about that damn pipe, but does she listen?”

“On the subject of people who don’t listen,” said Minifrit, sliding into the seat opposite me, “Aster does have the right of it, Lord Seiji. Sicellit is not a cruel or judgmental person; I rather think she would have been supportive of any less quarrelsome girl in Ydleth’s situation, but that one has a big mouth and a chip on her shoulder. I will effect a reconciliation there, regardless of how much extra work it will be, because that is by far in the best interests of both them and the organization. Threats or violence at this point would only solidify mutual hatred.”

“Yeah, well, threats and violence are all I have to work with,” I mumbled around a mouthful of bread. My god, it was delicious. Hunger really is the best sauce.

“That isn’t true,” Minifrit said gently, smiling at me. “Not anymore. You have us to step in where your own talents don’t apply. Thank you for what you said out there, Lord Seiji, that was exactly what I have been asking you for. The beginnings of a proper way of life, an actual culture these people can follow. That will serve to bind us together far better than any mutual enemy. You’ve done your part, now have a well-earned rest and let me do mine.”

I had the vague sense that immediately surrendering control over whatever I had just set in motion might come back to bite me later, but by that point I just didn’t have the energy to fuss over it any further. I was famished and now that I was sitting down and eating, the fatigue hit me like a truck. It had been a brutal few days.

For once, somebody else could clean up the mess.