Only Villains Do That

I watched the slime sail away into the sky, arcing down into the khora forest, and frowned.

Holding out my hand, I cast Slimeshot several more times, sending more of them flying into the wild blue yonder. It was easy; casting the spell without a target was nothing.

“Considering we’re planning to normalize relations with the catfolk, I hope none of ‘em are standing in that direction,” Biribo commented.

I ignored him; what were the odds of that? It was a huge forest. I did, however, turn around and put the battlements at my back so I was facing the fortress, with the courtyard spread out below my current perch atop the walls.

Just within my field of view there were six “classes” in session during this afternoon period, groups of people separated by a reasonable buffer of space, with still more around the corner of the fortress and a final group outside the walls, being led by Sakin in the art of moving silently through the khora forest. Below me I could see teams of young women, mostly still dressed as prostitutes because that was all they owned, each unit being drilled either by one of the former Cat Alley bouncers or one of our recruits from Lady Gray’s organization. Unarmed fighting, knife fighting, and swordplay, with two groups practicing crossbow archery against targets along the walls, and a final cluster of girls ineptly whirling slings and trying to shoot chunks of fallen akorthist masonry at the far wall. Aiming as far away from the rest of the trainees as could be arranged.

It was mostly because of them that I’d set out a bucket containing a healing slime for each training unit.

Sakin had pushed hard for the slingers, claiming that a skilled wielder could far surpass the range and stopping power of a crossbow with at least comparable accuracy. I was skeptical, given that unlike crossbows you had to be good with those things to be worth it, and to judge by what I was seeing here that was going to take a lot more time and effort than we could spare. What had sold me was him pointing out that this would be a perfect way to deliver our alchemical payloads long-distance. Most of my combat strategies focused on minimizing the amount of actual combat being done; if we could pelt enemies with goblin sleeping powder from cover beyond crossbow range, that would open countless doors.

Those doors were obviously not going to be open any time soon, but I needed to think beyond the needs of the moment anyway.

Frowning in concentration, I extended my hand toward the upper walls of the fortress itself, high above the heads of my people practicing down below. Flexing my outstretched fingers, concentrating.

This wasn’t working.

Mostly out of frustration I gave up and just shot North Watch itself with a bullet-velocity slime, taking some small satisfaction in the way goop splattered from the impact.

“Aw, come on!”

I winced at the sight of Nilli, one of the women who’d joined up with Kadret and had been walking a group of ex-whores through some basic sword forms. She now hurled her akorshil practice sword to the ground in rage, using both hands to claw tiny fragmentary slimes out of her hair.

“What the fuck! Who’s throwing that—”

Nilli froze and went silent as she beheld me on the battlements.

“Sorry!” I called. “They should come right out if you push ‘em off, just don’t let them burrow into your hair. Gomennasai!”

She hesitated, then folded down her hands at me and started combing fingers more aggressively through her hair, a couple of her students stepping up to help. I had to wince; it made a certain amount of sense that my followers were afraid of me, all things considered. I guess I’d just have to make it clear over time that nobody would be in trouble for getting mad when I did shit like dump slime on them.

“What’re you trying to do, exactly?” Biribo demanded. “I’m getting a little tired of having to say this exact thing, boss, but maybe I could help you if I understood what you needed.”

“I doubt it,” I murmured. “I’m…grappling with the reality of how much my mental state affects my ability to do magic.”

“Well, I mean… Of course it does? You do magic with your brain. It’s just like how the strength of your arms affects your ability with a sword.”

I sighed, turning again to scowl out at the khora forest over the battlements. “Spell combination is a lot easier when I’m in a calm frame of mind. Which makes me wonder if there are some more combinations I could have unlocked by now if I wasn’t neck-deep in life-threatening bullshit every minute and could actually relax. But anyway, this right here is just an extension of that. Lady Gray has that artifact that blocks spell targeting, right? I was thinking… Maybe I could aim Slimeshot at, like the air right in front of her.”

“Like I said,” Biribo exclaimed, “I coulda told you that wasn’t going to work! It’s not even the spell itself, just the nature of human cognition. You can fire it at nothing, but if you’re wanting to fire it at something, no amount of rules lawyering is going to fool the target blocker.”

“So I discovered,” I admitted, glancing back at North Watch. I’d been unable to shoot the air right in front of the fortress while thinking about shooting the fortress. “This seems like a gateway to broader issues, though, Biribo. I need to figure a way to control… Well, I’ve got bad habits that keep rearing up. My whole life I’ve tended to shoot my mouth off under stress. That’s the last thing you want to do in a place like Japan, but in Japan the worst that happens to you is social disapproval and isolation, unless you’re dumb enough to sass a yakuza or even be somewhere you might meet one. I feel like compulsive shit-talking is going to cause me some real problems here. And it is compulsive—it’s like something takes over, and…” I trailed off, then heaved a sigh and reached out to rest my hands on the battlements. “Fuck’s sake, I got carried away and actually offered Lady Gray a place in my organization. What the hell would I have done if she’d said yes?”

“Slit her throat the second she dropped her guard, I assume,” said the familiar, buzzing forward to hover in his usual spot at my shoulder. Below us, we could see Sakin leading a column through a patch of the thorny red vines that passed for underbrush in a khora biome. “Look, boss, I think it’s a good thing you’re considering stuff like this. Beats blundering around without a plan or any self-awareness. But you might be misdirecting your worry, here.”

“How so?”

“Well, if you ask me, it’s a mistake to think in terms of having strengths and weaknesses. What you’ve got are character traits, which are more useful in some situations than others. Yeah, letting your mouth run away with you under stress can cause problems, but on the other hand you being witty and charismatic is responsible for nearly all of your successes here. Also, for example, remember that night during the battle? While you were confronting Lady Gray, she also stopped in the middle of fights to make speeches at you. Twice. And didja notice how nobody shot her either time?”

“…hm.” I frowned, remembering. Now that I recalled, that was exactly what had happened. “That’s a point. How’d she get away with that?”

“Reputation, and charisma. Everybody present aside from you had spent years being terrified of her, and Lady Gray also knows how to put on a spectacle. No offense, boss, but she’s noticeably like you in several ways.”

I just nodded, having realized that myself. Lady Gray’s commitment to melodrama and the frustration she’d expressed with the venality of human nature were…uncomfortably relatable.

“Still,” Biribo continued after a moment, “I think you’re not wrong to be concerned about your overall mental state. That’s gonna affect everything you do. You should really take Minifrit up on her offer, boss.”

I let out a little huff of scorn. “What’s she gonna do, exactly? If I had access to a proper psychotherapist, maybe, but… Look, I don’t doubt Minifrit is good at what she does, but this is an entirely different skill set.”

“Boss, you’re talking about a woman who’s been a prostitute and a business owner managing dozens of employees. In the absence of a proper mind healer or priest, you’re not gonna find much better than that for dealing with emotional problems.”

My fingers tightened on the battlements, the smooth texture of akorthist under my skin reinforcing just how alien everything here was. How far I had been flung from anywhere I belonged. “I can’t tell Minifrit of all people how I’m reduced to gibbering impotence by the faintest shadow of what she’s been through. She’d stab me on general principles, and I wouldn’t even blame her.”

Biribo flicked out his tongue at me. “Boss, I don’t think you’re giving yourself or Minifrit nearly enough credit. Should probably work on that. Speaking of which, here she comes.”

Seconds later, the door to the tower several meters to my right opened and Minifrit herself emerged, just as predicted. Pipe in hand, she sauntered toward me with that rolling, feline gait she was so good at, trailing fragrant smoke from her nostrils like a sexy dragon. I didn’t think she was trying to seduce me; I was starting to think playing the vamp was just part of her self-image, something she couldn’t stop any more than I could keep my yap shut when under pressure.

“What’s this I hear about you dropping slimes on people?” she asked, coming to stand beside me.

“I apologized,” I protested. “It was a simple accident. And it’s not like anybody got hurt. Slime’s pretty harmless…well, at that size and velocity, anyway.”

Minifrit slowly inhaled another long streamer of smoke.

“You should really find another vice,” I lectured for at least the third time that day. “There have to be ways of having fun that don’t involve slow-roasting yourself from the inside out.”

This time, she ignored it. “The slime itself is not really an issue, Lord Seiji. People here are understandably nervous about…many things. I would hope you would have the basic courtesy not to practice your spells in a direction where your own people even might be caught up in it. They have all seen how deadly your magic can be, and don’t need anything further to worry about.”

“All right, fair enough,” I admitted. “I’ll be more careful. I was just trying to think of a way around Lady Gray’s anti-targeting artifact. I needed something big to test a theory against, and hey, there’s a fortress right over there.”

She slowly blew out a cloud, staring off over the huge branches and plates of khora spreading out before us, many with fluffy-looking fronds swaying in the breeze.

“What a shame there was nothing in this direction big enough for you to shoot at.”

I enjoyed Minifrit’s dry wit, when she wasn’t using it at my expense. “Was there something else you needed?”

“You did say you wished me to report to you daily,” she said, giving me an amused sidelong look. “This seems as good a time and place as any. Plenty of fresh air.”

“There was, anyway,” I said pointedly, waving away a cloud of smoke.

“Morale is high,” she reported, gazing distantly out over the forest. “I see no reason it should not stay that way, provided we are careful and thoughtful. The key will be keeping everyone busy, while also providing them with leisure time in which to socialize, relax, and have some fun. Having enough people to get a proper rondlow going during mealtimes has been a boon. We need to avoid giving people time to brood, while also not overworking them. A careful balance, but a feasible one. The one matter that concerns me is the shock which ensued at the revelation that the Healer these women agreed to follow is the Dark Lord. For most, I think it will not be a problem—whores are not, as a rule, the most devout of citizens. Still. It’s early, but I will be looking out for the deeply religious Sanorites among the ranks. There are always a few.”

“And…what do you intend to do about them?” I asked warily.

“That will depend on the individual and the situation,” she said, blowing another drifting cloud of smoke. “I am reasonably confident that most can be brought around. The fact that you have manifestly done more for all of them than Sanora or her church ever have will weigh heavily.”

“And the others? I’m not comfortable…preemptively ‘silencing’ people on the grounds that they might prove disloyal.”

She gave me a scornful look. “I can always tell when you’ve been talking to Sakin. It’s me, Lord Seiji. Minifrit. I assure you, I can handle this. If it comes down to needing to dispense punishment, I will consult you. For now, I will work to avert that situation.”

“Good. I prefer that approach.”

“I would not have agreed to serve you if I thought otherwise. Oh, and you should know that Gannit has unilaterally taken over the kitchen. As she’s a better than decent cook, I haven’t seen any reason to challenge her on this, and I would encourage you to endorse the arrangement.”

“Gannit, huh.” I narrowed my eyes. “Wait a second. I thought the food was spicier than usual today.”

“Gannit has firm opinions on the health benefits of properly spiced food,” Minifrit said solemnly.

“You fucking Fflyr and your peppers. It’s like you all have your sinus cavities coated in tar! What is wrong with you people?”

“A great deal, Lord Seiji, though personally if I were to draw up a list of complaints about my home nation it wouldn’t start with the food.”

“Of course not, you’re used to it. Hang on, what about Donon? He was more or less in charge of the kitchen.”

“Donon seems a good lad,” she said with a smile. “No real ambition and not a territorial bone in his body. If anything, he seems to enjoy having someone else in charge. He and Gannit are getting along swimmingly, last I checked.”

“Well. I guess that’s…something.”

“If you’d like,” Minifrit said, her smile turning mischievous, “you can ask Gannit to specially prepare you a less-spicy plate at meals. Surely being the Dark Lord has its privileges.”

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. “Uh huh. And if I were to do that, exactly how much shit would I then get from Gannit and every other wench in this place?”

“Approximately all of it.”

“Yeah, that’s about what I figured.”

“On the subject of morale! When you get Kasser his tools and start felling those big khora shells, please make sure he gets enough pieces of the right size and shape to carve more bathtubs. The competition for the one you have set up is fierce, and there’s plenty of space in that old stable for more.”

I had to blink twice. “Wait. Competition? People like the bath now?”

“Many of the women do, at least,” she drawled, giving me a sidelong smile. “I think most of the resistance is due to your decision to translate whatever the original word was as ‘bath.’ When people think of bathing, they think about getting clean, which is clearly not what’s happening in that tub.”

“Well, yes. You’re supposed to wash off before getting in the bath.”

“Right, exactly. But once there? It’s just a tactile pleasure. Your original bandits may have been averse to trying outlandish foreign customs, but whores are open-minded and very acquainted with the joys of the flesh. I have to say, Lord Seiji, it would not have occurred to me to boil myself like a fresh-caught crawn as a way to relax, but having tried it, I am very much impressed. And rueful,” she added with a grimace. “Oh, the money I could have made by installing one of those at my establishment. I wonder what other delights from your homeland you could introduce to us?”

“Well, there’s no rice or fish here, so that rules out a lot. Come winter, though, I’m definitely going to try to put together a kotatsu.”

“Concerning that,” she said with a faint frown, “this may seem like a change of subject, but… Kasser and Harold are a couple, right?”

“Yep. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Not for me, or most of those you’ve brought under your aegis. As I said, no one is more open-minded than whores. But…you are openly allowing their relationship?”

“What’s to allow?” I said irritably. “I haven’t got time to take an interest in everybody’s personal business, and theirs is no more a moral failing than having blue eyes. Dismissing whole groups of people as unacceptable is just one of the ways incompetent rulers cling to control. Do you want to listen to me rant, Minifrit? Because I’ve got at least five solid rants on this subject alone.”

She grinned. “I believe I already grasp the gist, thank you. No, in fact this dovetails with the bath, and that…peculiar chant you’ve been using before meals.”

“Itadakimasu?”

“Yes, that sounds familiar. Lord Seiji, I think one of the most important things for us to do out here is establish a culture. No doubt we’ll be absorbing more Viryan influences as we come into contact with them, but nobody here has any idea what Viryans are actually like, and even then I think converting directly to the ways of the local dark elves would be a hard sell.”

“For the dark elves, too, boss,” Biribo added. “They’ll just try to take advantage if you adopt a subordinate posture like trying to absorb all their customs over your own.”

Minifrit nodded and took a pull from her pipe. “So. Culture. This is not something on which I encourage you to rush, my lord, but do think about the way you will have your followers live. After-dinner baths and embracing gay couples are a good start to differentiate us from Fflyr society, but more will be necessary. And if you don’t have a plan for what we are to become, we’ll end up turning into some random amalgam which might or might not serve our best interests.”

“Hm. You make an interesting point… Thank you, Minifrit. I’m not sure any of that would have occurred to me. Any suggestions for how to make a start?”

“Well, off the top of my head, try reciting your meal chant more slowly, and enunciating. I’ve already seen some of the girls trying to mouth along, but they’re probably afraid of getting it wrong and offending you.”

“I…don’t think that trying to turn these people Japanese is…a good idea. Or remotely possible.”

“On general principles, I agree. But I see no harm in importing a few customs from your homeland for them to latch onto. It will give them something, at least, from which to create a new identity.”

I had to pause and chew on that one for a minute. Some time ago I’d specifically decided to start introducing some little Japanese courtesies and customs to my bandits, back when there was just the handful of us Rocco had left behind. And, sure, Fflyr society in general urgently needed some civilizing touches. But now that the actual prospect was upon me, I couldn’t help wondering if trying to convert a nation of people to my own customary ways wasn’t an incredibly bad idea. That specific thing had been behind many of Earth’s greatest historical atrocities.

No, Minifrit was right. We did need to establish some kind of cultural identity, and I didn’t see the harm in it having some Japanese components, but it would be much better off being something unique. And ideally, something to which other people could be converted easily. Something it would be desirable for them to convert to.

I would have to give this a lot more thought.

My attention was caught by frantic barking; turning around, I beheld Junko zooming furiously across the courtyard, disrupting several in-progress classes as she went and fortunately not getting whacked in passing by an errant practice swing. Still barking her customary greeting, she skittered on the turn at the gates and raced outside onto the old road.

“Ah, my messengers must be coming back,” I said. “How does she always know?”

“Dogs have good senses, boss,” Biribo reported.

I gave him a flat side-eye. “You didn’t notice. Isn’t that your entire reason for existing?”

“Just cos I didn’t say anything doesn’t mean I didn’t notice,” he said defensively. “You were in the middle of a conversation and last I heard, you weren’t expecting any pressing news from ‘em.”

“Messengers?” Minifrit inquired.

“Lord Seiji!” A very young woman leaned over the battlements of the tower closest to us, waving at me. “Aster and Kastrin are coming up the road!”

“Thanks, Iredi,” I called back, and she disappeared, no doubt returning to her position overlooking the gate. I hadn’t asked her exactly, but Iredi couldn’t have been more than sixteen. Every time I saw her I was torn between horror that she’d been working in a brothel and guilt that I’d roped her into an insurgency.

“I sent them to the Kingsguard waystation to send a message to the Auldmaer Company,” I explained to Minifrit, who was still watching me with raised eyebrows. “An updated list of some stuff we need, and also he needed to be warned about Lady Gray. She seems to have figured out who the Healer was and from there it wouldn’t be hard for her to find out who Lord Seiji has been talking to in town.”

“I do hope someone reminded you that this is still Fflyr Dlemathlys, and thus corrupt as the revels of hell,” Minifrit said pointedly. “The couriers read everything that’s given to them and will sell the contents to whoever might be in the market.”

“Yes, we spent the extra time to come up with a roundabout phrasing, don’t worry. I’m going to have to get down there and explain to Auldmaer what’s going on in more detail soon, but right now I need to be here overseeing the early training. I don’t want a repeat of what happened when I left you and your girls alone right after dragging you out here. Besides… The situation with Lady Gray is going to make it difficult for me to get in and out of Gwyllthean in any disguise. It’ll be a risk when I do go back, and I need to figure out a way of avoiding her notice.”

“Mm, I see,” she said noncommittally. “It’s probably best that he’s aware enough to invest in some extra security, but among Lady Gray’s possible moves is not attacking the Auldmaer Company.”

“Yeah, that’s what Sakin and Aster both said. Forgive me, but after my own admittedly brief dealings with Gray I’m not sanguine about any reasoning that boils down to ‘she wouldn’t dare.’”

Minifrit grinned and took another long draw on her pipe. “It’s not even about her, but about the Clans. Nothing is more important to them than the status quo which keeps them in power. Lady Gray is allowed to run her business in the Gutters because the Clans don’t care what happens to the lowborn down there. By the same token, banditry in the countryside is just the natural consequence of their disinterest in spending the money to properly enforce the peace. But if a Gutters crime lord attacked a middle ring trading company, even a small one? That’s no longer about the Auldmaer Company, I doubt anyone in power cares about them. That is an affront to the system itself. It’s a lowborn forgetting her place. Tantamount to rebellion. Lady Gray had the sense not to directly antagonize Clan Aelthwyn even at the height of her power; she will definitely not provoke them now that she’s wounded and hounded.”

“So they told me, more or less,” I admitted. “That’s why I was willing to take this risk.”

“Mm. Because clearly they know you’re always more persuaded by an explanation which hinges on how rotten people are.”

I gave her an irritated look, not missing her smirk or the way Biribo flicked out his tongue at me.

“Well, since you’re reporting in, any suggestions for who’ll be ready to roll out by the end of the week?”

“It’s only been a day, Lord Seiji. Don’t worry, I’m on it. If nothing else, you have your original bandits and now enough recruits from Lady Gray’s organization to make a solid strike team. Though… I well understand how you might be reluctant to trust a group of entirely those.”

“There’s that,” I agreed, “and also I have a specific need to include as many Alley cats as possible. From as wide a selection of brothels as can be managed.”

She gave me an inquisitive look, and I leaned on the battlements, staring out at the horizon.

“This isn’t going to be just me seizing power, Minifrit. It can’t be; every asshole in Fflyr Dlemathlys is trying to do that, and I have to be better. That’s the entire point, and what I promised these women when I brought them here. I aim to continue what I began in Cat Alley. We’re going to advance our strategic position, yes. But more importantly, I am going to serve these women some vengeance.”