Only Villains Do That

We moved out right after the ceremony, which put us on the street just as full dark fell. Gwyllthean was quiet, even here on the middle ring; what had happened in the Gutters that morning cast a pall over the whole city, and even those who were inclined to celebrate Lady Gray’s downfall seemingly did so in private. In the gloomy silence of a traumatized city, we made it all the way from the mourning chapel to the south gate before encountering anyone.

There, it seemed, we were expected, and met by someone I hadn’t thought to see more of so soon.

“Captain Norovena.” I raised a hand in greeting as I came to a stop, eyeing him up and down. “You look like hell, sir. Have you slept at all since the night before last?”

“There are some days when a man’s allowed to rest,” the hollow-eyed Captain replied, glancing quickly across my little entourage. “Only some. Got big plans, Lord Seiji?”

Maybe it was the fatigue talking, but he seemed unusually terse. The sunken eyes and two-day growth of stubble added to the intensity of the man’s expression, but he was definitely more intent and openly tense than I was accustomed to seeing him. I’d only come to realize recently just how adept Captain Norovena was at mirroring exactly what I expected from him; undoubtedly that was a survival skill for a man in his position who had to regularly mollify higher nobility. It made his relatively unguarded displeasure all the more striking.

“I doubt you’re here and not collapsing into a bed to experience the simple pleasures of small talk, Captain. What’s on your mind?”

Usually Norovena would have blunted my directness with a smile and a compliment, but for once he just answered me straight. “Lord Seiji, what did you do to Rhydion?”

“Rhydion?” My eyebrows shot upward before I thought to control them. “The paladin? He came by the vigil for a few minutes. I didn’t think I’d made much impression on him. Why, what’s he done?”

“He has been exerting his political influence all afternoon,” said Norovena, his eyes boring into mine. “Thanks to his string-pulling, the King’s Guild and the Radiant Convocation have both put out substantial bounties on Lady Gray’s head. Mere hours after that announcement went out, another bounty on her was posted by Highlord Caldimer of Clan Olumnach. Which resulted in Clan Aelthwyn doing the same in the next hour, to save face.”

“Four bounties on one woman? Isn’t that redundant?”

“That would be the point, yes. Understand that Lady Gray may be an impressive specimen of a Blessed among the Gutter trash she leads—used to lead, that is—but there are multiple individuals in the King’s Guild who could take her on with little trouble, including several who are specialized in the kind of tracking and detection that could penetrate her famous stealth.”

I managed not to visibly wince. I had been having trouble with Lady Gray; apparently all my Dark Lord powers weren’t yet up to tackling hardened adventurers who’d had years to collect all the best spells or artifacts. Sakin was right, I couldn’t afford to antagonize the King’s Guild.

Yet.

“And that’s just our local branch,” Norovena continued. “The chance to collect four large bounties on a single target will bring the Guild’s best from Fflyrdylle and all across the kingdom. Hell, I expect we’ll get big players coming from Godspire and Lancor if one of our own doesn’t get her in the first two weeks. I realize you feel personally antagonized by Gray, Lord Seiji—she certainly went out of her way to tweak your nose.”

I stiffened; that was one way to phrase “multiple child murders.”

“But she is done,” Norovena insisted, watching me closely. “At this point it’s just a matter of time. Every single move she makes will only create another trail for the hunters to follow. The best thing you can do to finish her off is to step back and let nature take its course.”

“If this is such a sure thing, how has she been allowed to run rampant in the Gutters for all these years?”

“You know the answer to that, Lord Seiji,” he said wearily.

Of course I did. Because until there was money on the table, nobody had cared.

“Right. Well, thank you for the update, Captain—”

“Forgive me for the tangent, my lord, but I was still answering your question. Rhydion has also had his adventurer friends rounding up Gutter Rats all afternoon.”

Aenit was holding Aster’s hand behind me, but I clearly heard the hiss of her sudden gasp. I myself took an involuntary step toward Norovena.

“He’s what?!”

“So you didn’t ask him to do this, Lord Seiji?”

“Of course I fucking didn’t! He never does anything I ask anyhow. Have they cleared out the Nest?”

“As of the last report I received, they haven’t gone near it. Which, obviously, is because the Rats are as tense and paranoid as everyone else in the Gutters right now—more so than most, probably. Any approach to their home would make them scatter and be that much harder to track down. It seems the adventurers who agreed to help with this have been instructed to be gentle and non-confrontational about it. They have approached Rats individually and offered to bring them inside the walls to safety, and not insisted when rebuffed. So they’ve only managed to round up a dozen or so into the Convocation orphanage. Still, that’s around half the Nest, by my reckoning. It’s more headway than anyone’s ever made with the kids before. They must be especially shaken after what happened today.”

That was closer to a quarter of their number, according to Aenit’s description, but I didn’t bother to correct him. “This orphanage. How will they be treated there?”

“Better than under that Gently character’s care,” Norovena said pointedly. “It’s a Convocation institution, so discipline is strict and religious precepts enforced. They run orphanages specifically to train future priests. But this is a middle ring institution and a better opportunity than lowborn orphans could have asked for until that paladin involved himself.”

Damn that self-righteous recycling bin, even when he finally decided to get up off his extra-shiny ass and do something useful it managed to throw a wrench into my plans. Well…still. This was probably for the best in the long run. I had my suspicions about this Convocation orphanage, but if I was honest with myself it probably was at least as good a deal for the kids as I’d been planning to give them. More importantly, if Rhydion had his buddies out gathering them up, that would mean some hope for those I didn’t manage to gather tonight.

“I guess that’s for the best, then,” I said grudgingly. “Well, if that’s—”

“I don’t think you realize the implications of this, Lord Seiji.” If anything, Norovena’s tone was suddenly grimmer. “Rhydion is famous for his tunnel vision. It’s the reason he can go anywhere in the kingdom and not hurl everything into political disarray simply due to his presence; everyone knows he will focus on whatever matter brought him and leave other considerations aside. He’s here on Dount to investigate the zombie sightings in the southwest khora forest, which have been going on at least since the Liberation. Now, suddenly, the man has taken a hard turn into current events and thrust his sword into the center of them. Can you imagine the ensuing panic among the Clans?”

“Oh, but I’m sure such upstanding citizens as our beneficent Highlords would have no reason to be perturbed by a crusading paladin,” I said sweetly. “After all, it’s not like they would ever be up to anything that might offend his sensibilities.”

“I’m glad you’re amused, Lord Seiji,” he shot back. “This is altogether less funny from my position. Standing between the highborn and the low is tense even when things are calm, and things right now are very much not calm! I haven’t even begun to address the matter of Highlord Caldimer.”

Uh oh. “That’s Caldimer Olumnach, you said? Seems like I’ve heard that name.”

“No doubt you have,” he said with a particularly piercing look. “He is already making a move to seize the territory freed up by Lady Gray’s ouster. Outlying gangs began moving into the Gutters perilously soon after my men withdrew, a thing they would not have done without a much more powerful hand cracking their reins. All things being equal, I could not ask for a better replacement for Gray’s influence.”

Oh, this might be a problem. I’d been operating on the assumption that Norovena was motivated purely by his own self-interest, but if he was actually going to be pro-Olumnach, our days of useful cooperation were coming to an end. Lady Gray’s removal as a player left me exactly one possible target for my next campaign.

“And you favor the Highlord for next crime lord?” I asked in as neutral a tone as I could manage.

“I favor stability. What Gwyllthean urgently needs right now is a period of nothing of any interest happening. The Gutters must have time to rebuild and let any simmering anger over today’s events subside, otherwise we risk an actual uprising. All things being equal, a Highlord as the de facto crime boss would go a long way toward ensuring that. He would be motivated to stifle any threats to the hierarchy and refrain from too audaciously antagonizing the other Clans.”

I pounced on the one ray of hope in this analysis. “Are things equal?”

“Not even remotely,” Norovena spat. He glanced around; we were alone on the street, the only visible people being his own men guarding the city gate a few paces away, but still he stepped closer to me and lowered his voice. “Clan Olumnach used to hold the fief of Gwyllthean before it was given to Clan Aelthwyn, and have been obsessed with this humiliation ever since. Their schemes were one of the causes of the last big crackdown, and Highlord Caldimer in particular has always shown more ambition than restraint. And that was at the best of times. Since Lady Gray had his son murdered two months ago, the man has been nearly as berserk as she is now. If he gets a foothold in Gwyllthean, I can’t imagine him not trying to move aggressively against the Archlord, however hopeless the attempt.”

“Let me guess. That would mean a repeat of today’s crackdown, but worse.”

“I am concerned, Lord Seiji,” he nodded, holding my gaze with uncharacteristic intensity. “I have a riled lowborn populace in need only of an excuse, a criminal power vacuum, and agitated Highlords who are sharing an island with a man personally powerful enough to smash all their defenses and politically connected enough to get away with it. That would be a volatile mix if that were the whole of it. But on top of it are Caldimer and Rhydion, two powerful men whose next moves I cannot begin to predict, save that nearly anything either does is likely to set a spark to the whole barrel, and they are all but certain to end up at cross purposes! Do you see my problem, Lord Seiji?”

“I believe I do,” I said slowly. “I’m not sure how I can help you, though, Captain. I don’t know Highlord Caldimer in the slightest, and I have no control over Rhydion. I sincerely apologize if it was something I said that set him off, but really, the man has never listened to me before.”

“You can help me by not doing anything that will kick up a massive disturbance, Lord Seiji, and that is what I came here to ask of you.” His eyes panned across my entourage of Lamm, Aster, and Nazralind in her shabby disguise—undoubtedly a group of people looking for trouble if ever he’d seen one, plus the added touch of Aenit clinging to Aster’s hand just to add to the unpredictability. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but what precisely are you planning to do outside the gates tonight?”

I looked back at the four of them, then back at him, and put on a winsome smile. “Well, Captain, I won’t lie to you. I am planning to kick up a massive disturbance.”

Norovena’s right eyelid began to twitch. “Lord Seiji—”

“But,” I continued, raising one hand, “it’s a disturbance Rhydion will approve of, Caldimer won’t care about or likely even notice, and the population of the Gutters will diligently ignore. I’m going to excise one last little remnant of Lady Gray’s power structure. And then I intend to remove myself from the city, along with as many of the Gutter Rats as are willing to go with me. Oh, you’ll see me again, Captain, and probably fairly soon. But my need to tend to other matters of my own for a few days lines up nicely with your desire for some peace and quiet around here, I think. Does that meet with your approval?”

He exhaled sharply through his nose. “I have deliberately not pried into your business, my lord, but in this case… To be clear, you are planning to rid us of Uncle Gently and nothing else?”

Deliberately not pried into my business, my ass. He’d only failed to do that because Lamm had a good sense of which horse to back.

“That,” I agreed quietly, “and nothing else. For now.”

“I suppose that’s better than I should have hoped,” Norovena said with a sigh. “Very well, then, Lord Seiji. I wish you good fortune in your task. And I mean that very sincerely.” His eyes hardened for a moment. “The bastard deserves no mercy.”

“He’ll get none,” I promised quietly.

The Captain nodded once more, then turned and barked over his shoulder in a carrying voice. “Crack the gate, Sergeant. Lord Seiji’s party is going out.”

I returned his nod in farewell, then proceeded on my way with my followers on my heels. They shifted into single file for a moment to get through the narrow opening the guards made in the gate; I exchanged a nod with the soldier on duty, and then we were descending the long ramp into the Gutters.

This part of the city was quiet, too. Licking its wounds and waiting to see what fresh nightmare tomorrow would bring.

“Aenit,” I said softly once we were out of earshot of the gatehouse. She released Aster’s hand and trotted forward to walk alongside me. “I know I’ve already said this, but it bears repeating. You don’t need to do anything else, okay? You’ve already single-handedly made a huge difference. There’s no need for you to take any more risks tonight. If you want to back out, I will fully support that.”

The girl shook her head. “You don’t have anybody else who can do it, right?”

“I’ve got other people meeting up with us in the city. Experienced scouts who can do this kind of work.”

“Wilderness scouts, you said, and definitely not Gutter Rats,” she retorted scornfully. “I’m sure they’re good, Lord Seiji, but never send a hound to do a Rat’s job. I can do this. I wanna help. I need to.”

“I definitely understand that,” I nodded, squeezing her hand as she slipped it into mine. “You know, if I were a remotely decent person I wouldn’t let you involve yourself any further, after everything that’s already happened.”

“We don’t gotta be decent, Lord Seiji. We just gotta get shit done.”

“Well put,” I sighed. “Brutally, tragically well put.”

The plan required some preparation. Fortunately when we linked up with ten of Nazralind’s highborn followers and Goose, they’d already brought the materials I had asked for. While the crew organized themselves for the next step, I changed into the provided getup, a serviceable rendition of the lowborn longcoat, mask, and cloak of the Healer. It probably wouldn’t matter too much that they weren’t the same ones; the effect was similar enough to be recognizable, and anyway my old ensemble had been too torn and bloodstained after the battle in Cat Alley to see further service.

I was impressed by how efficient and willing to play along the noblewomen were. Nobody even asked why I wanted the hammer, paintbrush, bundles of akorshil planks, quick-drying alchemical glue, and set of huge akornin spikes almost the length of my forearm used in heavy construction. They just brought them, and waited expectantly. That was for the better; if I told them what I was going to do with some of those, some of them would likely refuse to help.

“The girls are used to making do with scant supplies on short notice,” Goose explained quietly when I expressed surprise that they’d managed to gather all that up so quickly. “Even with them avoiding the city, and as subdued as the Gutters are tonight, they’ve made friends and connections all over the island. Most places on Dount, they can hook you up with whatever you need. Within reason.”

This crew really was proving to be a worthwhile acquisition, even if I was now seeing the signs they all shared Nazralind’s happy-go-lucky attitude and general belief that this was all some grand adventure. I was simultaneously impressed with their versatility and resilience, and increasingly aware of just why they’d ultimately been uprooted and forced on the run by the Clans.

Aenit’s familiarity with the Gutters was a godsend. She directed us to an empty house barely a block from the Rats’ Nest—well within screaming distance, that was important—where I had the ladies prepare themselves for the next phase, and also begin to fortify the structure with the planks and glue.

Lady Gray was out there, and she had to know her antics today would draw me here. I gave it fifty/fifty odds whether she’d come at me tonight. There was still a chance Rhydion’s adventurer buddies had driven her thoroughly underground already, but as clearly obsessed as she was with hitting me, that was far from a sure thing. So I set them to boarding the windows and kitchen entry, because I needed this house refit to have one way in and out. A single door that Aster could hold for at least a few minutes.

Two different stages of the plan would have everyone here, and me alone at the Nest for several long, crucial minutes. That would be Lady Gray’s opportunity to strike, either to finish me off, or try to hurt me by going after my people. Aster with her artifact armor operating at the full strength of the Dark Lord’s Blessings could, I hoped, fend her off at a single chokepoint long enough for me to get there. Then, she would be the anvil and I the hammer.

“How’re we doing?” I asked Nazralind as she approached me in the kitchen, finally cleaned of makeup and sans fake beard. She hadn’t changed her clothes, but the slightly scruffy lowborn outfit was pretty well suited to her present path in life. Well, that, and the new addition to it.

“It’s quick work, the girls’ll be finished in just a few more minutes,” she reported with a cheery grin. “We’re over halfway there, and it’s not hard or time-consuming. You said fast-drying glue, so they got the good stuff.”

“Thanks. Good work.” I paused, eyeing the dramatic midnight-black cloak now draped over her shoulders, plus a loose bit of fabric around her neck that I recognized as a mask which would conceal her lower face when pulled up. I had also seen some of the other women not actively boarding up the windows put these on. “That’s a nice touch, the cloak. Very…”

“Edgy?” Naz winked. “Yeah… Bit of a story, that. We were pretty new to skulking around in the dark, so when someone we helped out offered us a deal on a bunch of black fabric, of course I jumped on that. Had the cloaks and masks all made up, ready to make ourselves invisible as dark elves in the night. And guess what we immediately found out?”

“I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“Turns out black is extremely visible at night, especially if it’s moving. Yeah, apparently actually black objects are rare in nature, so in low light they tend to pop out to anybody whose vision is adjusted to the darkness. For stealth, you want deep gray, earth tones, even really dark jewel tones in a pinch. Black only blends into pitch black—as in, zero light at all, in which case you could be wearing bright orange stripes and be just as invisible.”

“Oof.” I had to wince. “Well, if it helps, I didn’t know that, so I’d have made the same mistake.”

“And instead, you get to learn from ours!” She shrugged, swishing the fabric of her cloak with one hand. “So that was a bust. But, it turns out they look really dramatic, and we already had ‘em all made, so… Rather than waste them, we changed approaches. Now we use these when we want to be seen, and send a message.”

“Is the message ‘we are fourteen years old and think this is scary?’”

“You’re a jerk,” she said with a fond smile. “But seriously, that works better than you’d think on Sanorites who live uncomfortably close to the last bastion of Viryan civilization on these isles. Everyone around here who wants to keep any degree of power or influence makes use of Sanorite iconography; even bandits tend to avoid looking too overtly sinister. As soon as it looks like you’re actually Viryan-aligned, things get a lot more serious, and until the Convocation knights come to stomp you flat, people get legitimately wary.”

“And to think, when you started doing this, you didn’t even know you’d be working for the Dark Lord one day.”

“Life sure is a grand old joke,” she said, her expression growing wistful. “Be nice if it wasn’t at our expense for once.”

“I’m working on that,” I said. “But since the solution involves ascending to heaven, grabbing both goddesses by their divine coiffures and clocking their heads together…don’t hold your breath.”

“Well, that was an exciting note to walk in in,” Goose stated as she returned to the room. “They’re just finishing the last rooms upstairs, Lord Seiji. Quick-drying is a relative term; the glue’s solid enough to hold boards in place as soon as it’s applied, but I’d give it half an hour before it’ll stand up to solid impacts.”

“It should have about that long anyway.” I drew in a breath and exhaled slowly. “All right. Aenit, you ready for your part?”

“Let’s do it, Lord Seiji.” The girl nodded, her eyes full of that same deeply ingrained fury. God, what must this poor kid have had to endure before Gently’s final mistake pushed her over the edge? I related far too well to that soul-deep, all-consuming rage. No one her age should have any idea what that felt like.

“I’ll send Biribo with the signal when we’re ready,” I said, stepping through the house to the front door with Aenit on my heels and the familiar buzzing along at my side. “Naz, you’re in charge.”

“We’ll be waiting, Lord Seiji,” she promised.

We stepped out into the street, whereupon I discovered that this party was bigger than I’d planned.

“Aster—”

“Don’t even try,” she snapped. “I told you, Lord Seiji, we’re not separating again.”

“Aster, this is Aenit’s job. I’m only coming along to keep watch in case Lady Gray tries to pounce on her during the one minute she’ll be out of my sight.”

“Good plan. I’ll keep an eye on you, for the same reason.”

“Every additional person is another risk—”

“Do you wanna stand here arguing about this, or get it done?”

“I need you covering this door in case—”

“Goose is fully able to do it for the few seconds it’ll take us to get back here.”

I scowled at her. She raised her eyebrows, staring challengingly right back.

“Must be nice having somebody who always watches over you,” Aenit commented innocently.

I threw my hands up. “Ugh, fine. Let’s just go.”

They were both silent as we strode to the end of the street, not that they needed to speak. I could feel the smugness radiating from both. Again, I reflected, this was all my own fault. I was the idiot who had the bright idea to surround myself with women. Dark Lord or not, there was no telling them anything.

“Okay, it’s a straight shot down this street to the Nest,” Aenit reported, stopping at the corner. “Don’t peek out, Lord Seiji, if they see you coming they’ll all bolt, including Uncle Gently. Should only take me a couple minutes to switch out with whoever’s on lookout tonight. Nobody’s gonna want to be up on the roof with everything that’s been going on, so they’ll be willing to trade duties with me. You sure you don’t need me to send up a signal?

“Biribo will be able to tell as soon as you’re in position,” I assured her. “Is there a convenient way onto the roofs nearby?”

She nodded and pointed back the way we’d come. “First alley there, the last one we passed. Owner of that house lets us keep a ladder propped up for access. Everybody in this neighborhood does favors for the Rats. Keeping on our good side is the only way they don’t get robbed blind.” Gilder would have grinned while delivering that remark, but Aenit paused, staring up at me intently. “Back at the house, with those nobles, what they were saying… Is it true, Lord Seiji? You’re the new Dark Lord?”

“It’s true,” I said simply.

Many people reacted to that revelation with terror; even Lady Gray had been spooked. Gilder, Benit, and Radon had all been excited. Aenit just nodded again.

“Good,” she said quietly. “That’s good. There’s no saving this stupid country anyway. It all needs to burn.”

She turned and scampered around the corner, her light footsteps quickly fading.

“Biribo?”

“Don’t worry, boss, I’m keeping track of her. Quick little sprout—there we go, she’s in the door. No sign of Gray or anybody else.”

“All right, thanks. Let’s get up top.”

The ladder was right where she’d indicated. In moments the two of us were on the roof, carefully taking position behind it where we wouldn’t be spotted by the lookout atop the Nest, but ready to bound across the gaps as soon as the signal came. Until then, there was little to do but stand and welter in the tension.

“I need a way to beat that dagger,” I mused aloud. “That’s the problem with her. She’s not that powerful. Skilled, experienced, smart, I’ll give her credit for that stuff, but every time I’ve gone head to head with her, sheer brute Dark Lord force has got me at least a draw. The problem with Gray isn’t how dangerous she is, it’s just the sheer fucking cockroachiness of her. I need a way to counter that stealth. She’d have been dead every time we crossed paths already if she couldn’t just fucking disappear.”

“You and everybody else, boss,” Biribo commiserated.

“I’m not just making conversation, Biribo. How can I counter the dagger?”

He darted back and forth in momentary confusion. “Boss, if I knew something feasible, don’t you think I’d have already—”

“Then forget feasible, go for farfetched. I know you can’t tell me about Wisdom powers or they won’t unlock, but what about spells? Artifacts? Something. Norovena thinks some of the King’s Guild adventurers have ways to beat it. They have to exist. Not right this instant, we’re busy, but think on it, okay? I want a list of everything that even theoretically can neutralize her advantage, and then we’ll work through it and see which I have the best chance of getting my hands on.”

“You heard the Captain,” Aster said quietly. “With all the heat Rhydion brought down, there’s a very real chance someone else will get her before the two of you even have a chance to clash again. That is, if she doesn’t try us again tonight.”

“Unacceptable,” I whispered, staring into the dark alien sky and feeding morsels of rage to the beast inside me. “I will maybe settle for Olumnach getting to her first. He’s a sufficiently evil fucker to do the job right, and he’s good and pissed. Any of the rest? She won’t die as painfully, or as slowly, as she needs to.”

Aster stared at me in silence.

“Aenit’s on the roof,” Biribo reported.

“Kid works fast,” I said approvingly.

“No joke, boss. That one’s a good find. I’m still impressed she got inside the walls, Gutter Rats almost never pull that off. All right, the other kid on the roof just went back inside, we’re clear!”

“Any other watchers?”

“Neighborhood’s quiet, boss. I’d guess it’ll be another day or two at least before everybody in the Gutters lets up on minding their own business as hard as they can.”

“Good. Let’s move.”

We rounded the corner of the roof and dashed across them. Our steps were doubtless heavier than the patter of Rat feet the residents were accustomed to hearing, but Biribo was right; I doubted anybody around here would be in the mood to be inquisitive after the day they’d had. Aster and I bounded across alleys and ran over shingles with no trouble.

The Rats’ Nest was…a house. From the outside, it didn’t look like much of anything. A big house, sure, with the windows boarded, but other than that, just a shabby structure that fit in with the rest of the neighborhood. As we drew close, Aenit popped up from behind a gable and waved to us.

The last jump was tricky, but not onerous. We had to get across the whole street; it was a narrow enough street to make that feasible, but still. After pausing to consider the situation, Aster and I got a running start and then leaped across to the building next door to the Nest, so as to not alarm our targets by landing heavily on its roof. From there, the alley separating the two was narrow enough that we could simply step across.

“You work fast,” I praised Aenit in a whisper.

“I know my business,” she replied without false modesty. “Okay, Lord Seiji, there’s seven exits apart from the front door, including two on the roof up here. We should leave one of those for last so I can get back inside, but I’ll show you the rest in order. Finally gonna get some justice,” she growled, her little face creasing in a scowl.

“That’s not really how we do things, Aenit,” I warned her. “Not most of the time, and definitely not tonight. You should never set the Dark Lord after anyone who deserves a scrap of mercy. Forget about justice. As soon as I get my hands on Uncle Gently, I’m going to do something Evil.”

Having so declared, I began summoning slimes.