Only Villains Do That

“All right, all right, I hear you!” Maugro emerged from the darkness of the tunnel into my kitchen, wearing a sour expression and followed by one of his omnipresent goblin bouncers. “Future reference, Lord Seiji, I always got somebody holding down the fort. You can shout once and be assured I’ll come see you as soon as I’m present and free.”

“Holy shit, you weren’t kidding,” I said, impressed in spite of myself. “I literally can just yell down the tunnel to arrange a meeting! To be honest, I thought that was bravado.”

The goblin information broker squinted up at me in displeasure. “Please don’t tell me our first meeting not initiated by myself is nothin’ but you checking to see if you can drag me outta my hole at half a bell past dinner. You got any idea what time it is? We can’t even see the sun down there and I know what damn time it is!”

“Oh, so it’s only good sport if you do it?”

“That was one time, and for the record it was at Miss Sneppit’s instigation! I realize you ain’t schooled on tunnel politics, but believe you me, if I’ll drop what I’m doing and report when summoned by your gangly ass, I will definitely move when Miss Sneppit snaps her fingers.”

“As much as I love looking at your pretty face, Maugro, no. This is a business call. I have information to sell.”

“Now that’s more like it!” Grinning, he whipped out his pencil and notebook. “What’ve we got and what’s it worth to you?”

“Strategic intelligence for the Olumnach-aligned bandit gangs around Dount,” I said, making my expression serious. “Lady Gray just lost an entire crew at once, plus some extra casualties. She’s already on the ropes, but the big opportunity is going to be in two weeks. During the harvest festival, there will be a major push against her interests in Gwyllthean. That is the moment she will be at her weakest and most distracted.”

He hadn’t opened his notebook; the grin faded from his green face while I talked. “Uh huh. And lemme guess, that ‘major push’ will go down a lot more smoothly with the other gangs serving as a nice diversion by attacking at the same time.”

“Well, I suppose that stands to reason,” I said solemnly.

“So, you want me to pay you for the privilege of arranging your own dirty work? Listen here, pal—”

“Hey, it’s me!” I protested. “Maugro, come on. Have I ever played you false? I guarantee the information is good, and I’m sure you don’t need me to explain how and why it would be valuable to the other gangs!”

“Oh, I believe you, all right,” he shot back. “Some big fuckin’ news outta Gwyllthean today, for those of us in the know. Lady Gray made a move to seize the most prosperous business on Yrshith Street—and more or less succeeded, but if she has any more ‘successes’ like that she’s gonna be outta business. This mysterious Healer beat the shit out of a whole force of her men, all the employees of said business scarpered without a trace, and then that entire crew turned up in a hideout on the outskirts, slaughtered like fuckin’ sheep! And y’know what’s real interesting, Lord Seiji? Everywhere the Healer went and left carnage behind him, there were slimes oozing around. Apparently the ones in the barn had absorbed so much blood they were red as juice pums and stuck to the floor!”

Well, this was embarrassing—mostly because I hadn’t spared a thought for the obvious fact that using Slimeshot left behind some…very distinctive evidence. The slimes tended to be splattered on impact, but each droplet of a divided slime could live and move about on its own, and I’d observed that smaller ones would tend to rejoin back together. This might be a problem. Did anyone other than the goblins have reason to associate slimes with me?

“They do get everywhere,” I said, still outwardly solemn. “It’s honestly kind of impressive, for such slow-moving critters.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure you realize the scope of the mess the Healer just kicked up. Going around using incredibly powerful healing magic on random prostitutes is one thing. That merely gets attention. Busting out an offensive spell arsenal that’d let him go toe-to-toe with the King’s Guild’s best? Listen, I make it my business to be the first to know, but I definitely won’t be the last. Once word bubbles up to the upper ring, this guy’s gonna be the subject of way more interest from the Clans than he probably wants.”

Nothing I hadn’t anticipated and planned for, but still a smidge alarming to hear spelled out by someone not even involved. I continued to play casual, though.

“Wow, free intel from the broker! And I haven’t even busted out the wine yet!”

“Hey, I may be a disc-grubber, but I’m an honest one; it ain’t good business to gouge you for rumors you won’t be able to avoid hearing for free.” Maugro sighed and rubbed at his eyes—with the hand holding the pencil, which seemed dangerous to me, but I guess he knew the risks. “All right, look. What you’ve got there is valuable intel, but your obvious reasons for wanting it disseminated change the color of the whole affair. A broker is neutral, get me? I can’t stay in business otherwise. Maugro buys from and sells to every player of every game; Maugro serves as nobody’s personal intelligence service. What you’re proposing has me effectively taking a side against Lady Gray’s syndicate, and her power may be diminished, but nowhere near enough for that not to be a terrifyingly bad idea. Unless you want me sellin’ this info to her as well as everybody else on the market? Cos, I’ll tell you straight up, from my neutral position, my best move here is to go right to the party with the deepest pockets and greatest interest in learning this. Is that what you want?”

Shit. If Lady Gray was forewarned of my intentions, she could… Be forced to disperse her already weakened forces to defend her whole perimeter on the festival night instead of me having to face them all before they were drawn away by bandit attacks?

Wait a second.

“Let’s take a step back,” I said very carefully. “Assuming you do see value in this intel and believe its veracity, how much is it worth to you?”

“You’re cookin’ up something,” he accused, squinting up at me. “Something you weren’t a second ago. I can see right through that head of yours, no matter how far off the ground it is. I got a feeling you’re going for an angle that may complicate the equation, which makes me reluctant to name a figure up front.”

“Not your first day on the job, I see. Ahem.” I glanced over at the doorway, where I had three lackies standing by. Donon wasn’t at work in the kitchen for once, having been dismissed shortly before I came to summon Maugro. He pouted something awful, but him being around Mindzi was a potential complication I didn’t need. Aster and Goose were standing guard, but also… “Twigs, would you bring us some wine and the least cracked cups that are clean, please?”

She folded down her hands at me and glided across the room to the cupboard with the askew door which served as North Watch’s wine cellar. Twigs had assuredly never been a servant—very much the opposite, if my suspicions were accurate—but I was pretty sure she’d seen servant work done from up close for most of her life. Indeed, she went about the task quietly and quickly while I turned back to Maugro.

“All right, I don’t want to put you in an intractable position, Maugro, and I can see how setting you directly against Lady Gray is just that. If you gotta sell to her, okay. I respect it and I can deal. With that said, I can’t help taking note that you have a long history of offering services beyond the buying and selling of information. Allowing me and the other bandit gangs to pay a service fee to guarantee our privacy, for example. Limiting the options concerning to whom you’ll sell, in essence, provided you get paid. Right?”

“Go on,” he said in an openly wary tone while accepting a cup of wine from Twigs. She actually knelt to hand it over, which made him blink in surprise, but Maugro had scented both profit and shenanigans and didn’t divert his focus from me for more than a second.

I received my cup of wine with a nod of thanks to Twigs, took a sip, and suppressed a grimace. Every time with this stuff. Why did I always forget? I had a couple of bottles in my room of a very palatable vintage Auldmaer had hooked me up with, but the hell I was wasting that on Maugro.

“In addition to selling you this extremely valuable tidbit,” I said, “I would like to purchase the distribution rights, so to speak. Or, I suppose, preemptively buy out anyone else’s attempt to buy exclusive access. In short, the deal I want means you can sell to anyone, but nobody else can pay you not to sell to anyone. If Gray can buy, so can the other gangs. Follow me?”

“Mm.” He took a lingering sip of the wine, staring pensively at the wall behind me. “A little arcane, but not wholly original; I’ve done deals on those terms before, almost exactly. Still. The fact remains that this is Lady Gray, who is not stupid and may interpret it as me taking a side if I accept that deal over her inevitable offer to buy exclusivity.”

“But I’m offering you the deal now, before she’s even heard about this. Not even Lady Gray can begrudge a neutral party the rule of first come, first served.”

“Lady Gray can begrudge a lot,” he said with a humorless grin. “Especially when she’s backed into a corner.”

“Then I guess what it comes down to is the fact that she is backed into the corner,” I replied, meeting his gaze and holding it. “Don’t think of it as taking a side, Maugro, but recognizing who you’re going to be dealing with going forward. Is Lady Gray the future of crime on Dount, or am I?”

Maugro’s eyes again focused elsewhere on me as he rapidly thought, covering his pause with a long sip of wine. I waited, not bothering to disguise my alert attention on him. This was a real test of my progress. If the information broker, the guy who possibly knew the overall situation better than anyone and didn’t have a personal stake, ventured an opinion as to who was going to come out on top in the end…

“I’ll call that even,” he said suddenly, his red eyes zeroing back in on mine. “I will buy your intelligence, and I will sell you the guarantee of availability to anyone who’s willing to pay. Same price, for a net transaction of zero. The hell I’m paying you for this, Lord Seiji.”

“I accept your terms,” I said, inclining my head as graciously as I could and really working to keep the satisfaction off my face. “Pleasure doing business as always, Maugro.”

“Yeah, well, truth be told I was gonna come see you first thing at a reasonable hour tomorrow. I got something to market that you’ve expressed an interest in, if you wanna knock that out tonight.”

“Oh?”

“You’ve paid for the right to be notified first if any of the other gangs fail to pay up. Well, one’s come up short this month. I’m withholding a few vital details they were able to cover, but that was a fraction of my agreed upon fee for the service of discretion and it leaves quite a bit which is now up for market.” He grinned knowingly. “If you’re still interested?”

“Aster,” I said, “please go to my room and grab my money pouch. The big one. And don’t let Junko out!”

“Please,” Maugro added with a pained grimace. Aster nodded at me and slipped out of the kitchen without a word.

“I remember the quoted price for this per gang,” I said. “Consider it agreed to. If you prefer to wait for the coin…?”

“You ain’t played me false yet,” he said, winking. “Also, I’m gonna shave off two red halos because, as I said, they scraped together the coin to cover what they consider the essentials, which is the identities of any of the individuals in question. No names or descriptions. However, I can give you the rundown of their operations and where to find them. Also,” he added with a canny glint in his eye, “assuming you’re still interested in dibs…I don’t suppose you’d be interested in covering the rest of their privacy fee? At a discount, of course, but it’ll ensure nobody else gets informed of this data.”

I drew in a long breath, thinking rapidly. “Hm. How about we reconsider that after you tell me what you can?”

“Fair enough,” he agreed. “Okay, so this is a gang of nine individuals. Their base is somewhere in a bladegrass forest near the village of Flynswith, way over on the eastern edge of the island. That’s on the lands of Clan Thelflyn, on the southern edge of their demesne near the border with the direct holdings of Clan Aelthwyn around Gwyllthean. I dunno the exact location of their camp, I meet ‘em in the village, where we got a goblin tunnel entrance hidden. That’s not a big area to search, but bladegrass is no joke; I wouldn’t go pokin’ around in there. But anyway, this crew is the only significant player on the island who’s not beholden to Clan Olumnach. They run an entirely different operation than most of the gangs, too. Instead of attacking travelers and raiding outlying villages and houses like most gangs, these gi—that is, this crew specializes in poaching and cat burglary. They specifically prey on the nobility all around the island. What they poach they eat, and what they steal they distribute among the villagers and isolated farmers. That buys ‘em a lot of freedom to move; villagers refuse to turn ‘em in no matter how insistently the Clans come asking, and they’ve got enough contacts among servants in every keep to slip in and out without any Clansguard being any the wiser.”

“Huh,” I mused, my mind racing. “Sounds like Robin Hood and his merry men.”

Maugro’s eyebrows rose. “Uh…no? I assume that’s a gang from your old country?”

“Not—never mind, long story.” I hesitated, considering. Obviously, I’d wanted information on other gangs so I could destroy or recruit them, with the understanding that recruitment would hinge on me making a big spectacle of how very badly I could destroy them if things swung the other way. Hearing about this, I found that I liked the sound of these guys, and specifically didn’t want to have to Immolate any of them. In fact, they might be the perfect recruits for my campaign. The flip side of that was that they may well be the last people who’d even consider joining the Dark Lord. “Any idea why they’re short on their protection money?” I asked, partly out of interest but also stalling for time to think.

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “because they’re trying to play renegade hero out there, and that was always a scheme with a limited shelf life. Much shorter than Rocco’s old grift, and besides them he was the one who came up with the most unique niche of all the gangs. Banditry is bad for society in general, but this crew is pissing off the people in power, specifically and personally. There’ve been crackdowns, and since they can’t get at the l—at the bandits in question, the Clans are squeezing their suspected allies. It’s been a rough month. They’ve bled coin and resources rescuing various peasants who either stood up for ‘em or were randomly targeted to discredit them. I can admire the principles involved,” he added with a fatalistic shrug, “but I got mouths to feed, and let’s face it, that whole idea was never gonna amount to shit. I hope they got to feel like heroes for a little while, because that was all that’ll have come of it in the end.”

“Hm.” I frowned into my wine, forgot myself so far as to take a sip, and involuntarily puckered. Dammit.

“Excuse me?”

Maugro and I both turned in surprise to Twigs, who had interjected herself into the conversation. Very softly and diffidently, but still. She visibly quailed under our attention, but found the spine to continue.

“How long has this gang been active?”

“It’s been less’n a year,” Maugro said, after glancing at me for approval. “Let’s see… Eight months in business with me, maybe a month or two operating before that?” Twigs folded down her hands at him and retreated three steps, but her eyes shifted to focus on me with an intense look that was very much unlike her.

“Ah, Aster, good timing,” I said as she returned and handed over my coin pouch. Somewhat lighter than when I had looted it from Arider’s corpse, but our budget had been more or less balanced for most of the last month, so I was willing to shell out more coins for a good reason. Which, I decided, this was. “All right, Maugro, I’ll pay up for the tip. And…” I glanced again at Twigs, who was now dry-washing her hands. “…yeah. Let me cover the discretion fee for this gang. Just for the rest of this month.”

Twigs sagged visibly in relief. I saw Maugro see that; his speculative expression was a mirror of my own.

“Glad to do business as always, Lord Seiji,” the goblin said moments later, tucking coins away in a pouch inside his coat and grinning up at me. “You continue to be a profitable acquaintance. I’ll make the rounds over the course of tomorrow; you can expect your intel to be fully disseminated within the week at the latest. Gray’ll be the first to know, of course. I really hope you’re ready for the consequences of that, for both our sakes.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” I lied with a smile, “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

I waited until he and his bodyguard had vanished into the darkness of the tunnel, then waited a minute more, before turning to face Twigs. She surged toward me, opening her mouth, but I forestalled her with an upraised hand.

“Biribo?” He zipped into the room, doing a complete circuit around my head. “Are they gone?”

“Outta earshot, boss,” my familiar reported. “Although, given what we just learned about the acoustics of that tunnel, we may wanna refrain from discussing anything of a sensitive nature in this kitchen. In fact, would it kill you to put a door across that thing? Preferably something that locks from this side. Now that we know we got a shilwright and ninwright on staff, it’s just a matter of gettin’ the raw materials.”

“Good suggestions, both,” I agreed. “Ladies, join me?”

I led the way through the kitchen’s side door into the base of the stairwell where Kasser and Harold had nearly cornered me when I’d first landed on this world. I had almost broken my neck falling down those stairs, and I was pretty sure I had broken a few ribs, but fortunately that was just after I learned Heal.

Goose, Twigs, and Aster all joined me. I ignited a Firelight to chase away the darkness; this wasn’t one of the spots where I’d installed a light slime in a bottle. Aster shut the door behind us and nodded to me.

“All right,” I said to Twigs, “let’s hear it.”

“Lord Seiji,” she burst out, “may I have your permission to leave?”

I blinked at her. I wasn’t sure exactly what I’d expected, but it wasn’t that. “Are you…unhappy with us, Twigs?” If anything, I thought she had been relaxing noticeably over the course of my tenure here.

“Oh, no, I—” Twigs cut herself off, taking a deep breath. “Pray forgive me, my lord. In my eagerness I spoke with unseemly haste, at the expense of clarity.”

Aster raised an eyebrow, and I nearly did the same. This distinctly formal speech was new.

“By all means, collect your thoughts,” I said.

“What I meant was,” Twigs continued doggedly after getting an encouraging nod from Goose, “I’d like your blessing to go on a mission on your behalf. That gang the goblin was talking about, that you bought information on—I think I know who they are.”

“His name is Maugro,” I said in gentle reproof. “And you figured that out based on that description alone?”

She nodded earnestly. “By the timetable, and the description of their methods and goals. Plus…the fact that what coin they could scrape together they spent protecting their names and descriptions. Dount has no famous bandits except for Lady Gray herself; only nobility or certain adventurers would be so recognizable as to make that a high priority, and I don’t think the King’s Guild is missing anyone?” She turned a questioning look on Aster, who shrugged.

“I’m a bit out of the loop, but if they’ve been out there for nearly a year? Yeah, that’s definitely not anybody from the local Guild. They’d’ve been identified and prioritized on a Guild kill quest pretty quickly.”

“If I’m right,” Twigs said, turning her attention back to me, “I know I can persuade them to come here and join you, Lord Seiji. I suspect I could even if they were at the peak of their success, but apparently they are currently in urgent need of a protector and a new base.”

“And if you’re wrong?”

“Then, based just on what Maugro told us, they’re still perfect recruitment targets. And almost certainly disaffected aristocrats; I know how to talk to people like that. The fact that you bought them another month of privacy will be compellingly persuasive.”

I mulled for a moment, studying her. Twigs had relaxed enough to start cleaning herself properly since I’d taken over, and been less vigilant about keeping her oversized hat pulled down. Her hair was straight and medium brown; not glossy elven gold, but closer to it than the wavy black hair of Dountol lowborn. And she was definitely pale enough to fit in with the aristocracy. Nobody had poked at her about it. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement among the bandits that we didn’t dig into each other’s histories. Now, though…

“Twigs, I haven’t demanded your personal story, and I’m still not interested in intruding on your privacy,” I said. “But considering all this, is there something in particular you think I should know?”

She hesitated, clearly thinking, and looked again at Goose.

“No more than you can probably figure out just from looking at her,” Goose answered me, stepping forward to lay one big hand on Twigs’s shoulder with the surprising gentleness she always showed around the girl. “I’ve been looking after Twigs since long before we were bandits, and she started going by that nickname. We had to leave our previous home…let’s say quickly, and under inauspicious circumstances. All this time, we’d thought we lost somebody in the process. But she’s right; it does sound a lot like they’re still out there.”

I sighed softly. “And naturally, if she goes, you’ll insist on going with her.”

“Yes, my lord,” Goose said quietly, meeting my gaze.

“This is the worst possible timing, ladies. We’ve got a load of new recruits who need to get trained quickly. I was really counting on you to spearhead that effort, Goose.”

“I appreciate your faith, Lord Seiji,” she said with a slight grin. “And I’d reconsider asking if I was the only prospect. But the new girls still have plenty of prospects to get trained in fighting. You’ve got Sakin and Aster, and now also that Jadrin, and Adelly.”

“That’s—wait, you know Adelly?”

“She tried to hide when she saw me,” Goose said with a grimace. “Probably thought I’d judge her for where she ended up working. We crossed paths a couple times when we were both in the King’s Guild. And hell, no, I don’t look down on her or any of those women for that. To make it as an adventurer, you gotta get a Blessing, and then also the artifacts and scrolls to use it. Lots of people wash out, more than succeed, and if you’re a woman without family to go crawling back to… Well, I was stupid lucky a Clan took me in to guard one of its daughters. Most aren’t that lucky, and everybody’s gotta survive.”

I nodded slowly, pondering. How much did I really know about Twigs and Goose? This was by far the most forthright they’d been with me in the whole time we’d been acquainted, and it did not escape my attention that it came up only when they were trying to persuade me to let them run off into the wild alone. They knew a lot about my location and operations. If…

“They could’ve just slipped away, Lord Seiji,” Aster pointed out softly. “If they meant us any ill. It’s not like we’ve got anything resembling security in this damn place. The gates don’t even close.”

“Right,” I said with a rueful grimace. “You’re right, of course. I apologize, Twigs, I didn’t mean to imply any distrust.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Lord Seiji,” she said, smiling. “You have to consider these things; it’s part of being in charge. I understand completely.”

“All right.” I inhaled again and let out a sigh. “You two be careful out there. Take whatever you need for a journey from the supplies.”

“Thank you, Lord Seiji!” Twigs exclaimed, squeezing her hands together and staring at me through eagerly shining eyes. “I promise you won’t regret this!”

I wasn’t willing to take anyone’s word on that particular point. I didn’t tell them so, of course. Somebody around here might as well be able to cling to some optimism.