Only Villains Do That

After that performance, someone tried to follow us home again. I assumed Lady Gray’s people, but depending on how big a stir the Healer had just kicked up, the possibilities were innumerable. In any case, nothing came of it; Blessed with Wisdom are exceedingly difficult to track when they don’t want to be, and unlike the previous time, I was not interested in playing around with whoever this was. Thanks to Biribo’s senses, we ditched them amid the khora with ease, at the cost of getting our feet wet traveling up and down a few streams to wipe out our scent.

And bright and early the next day, I found myself again making use of my familiar’s powers in exactly the same manner. Well, for given value of both “early” and “bright.” It was the afternoon, and I was bedraggled and only somewhat less exhausted than I’d been the night before due to having had just a few hours to sleep and managing to spend those only getting fitful naps.

I kept having dreams. Endless parades of people injured and wounded, needing my help, and my Heal spell faltering every time. People burning alive, screaming that it was my fault.

Thanks, brain.

“But this is a narrow window of opportunity,” I explained to my companions as I picked carefully through the khora forest the next day following my familiar’s guidance. “According to Biribo, today’s some kind of sacred festival thingy for the local beast tribes.”

“Sure, the harvest celebration’s coming up,” Harold agreed, sounding nervous as usual. “But, that’s not for a few weeks…”

“Cos harvesting is something agricultural societies do,” Biribo lectured. “The beast tribes are hunter-gatherers; theirs is right on the autumnal equinox. For one day, they’ll be drawn back within their villages, not hunting or gathering or patrolling or doing anything which would make them likely to find us tiptoeing through their territory. Which isn’t to say this is not a risk, lads. We’re still on catfolk land, here, and those ears of theirs ain’t for show. I don’t know where the actual village is, but it’s likely to be fairly near our destination, and if they find us fucking around in their territory during a sacred event there’s gonna be trouble whether or not they realize what we’re up to. So quick and quiet are the orders of the day, got it?”

“Got it,” Harold agreed.

“What are we up to?” Kasser demanded, albeit quietly. “I know how much you enjoy never explaining yourself until the last fucking minute, Lord Seiji, but I think we’re past that point now and I still don’t know what the hell we’re doing out here.”

“Nobody appreciates my dramatic timing,” I complained.

“That is correct,” he agreed.

“So, remember that list I had Maugro draw up of accessible Spirits on Dount? Narrowing it down to Spirits which offer a reward that’ll be useful to me, a task I can easily complete, and are in a place I can physically access, there are all of precisely two candidates. At least until I’m in a position to push around larger beast tribes or get access to some of the Clans’ fortresses. For now, there’s one Spirit in the wolf tribe’s territory that grants the Blessing of Might, or an artifact to people who already have it, and one here in our local cat territory that gives… Biribo, what was it called?”

“Reward for accumulated experience.”

My left eye involuntarily twitched; fortunately both of my companions were behind me and didn’t see it. They wouldn’t recognize the video game terminology anyway, much less understand why it made me angry. “Right. Basically a freebie. The Spirit looks at you, considers the kind of life you’ve lived, and gives you something it deems appropriate.”

It was so obviously just another mechanism for the goddesses to lean on the scales and hand out whatever they wanted to whoever they liked, just for showing up, because this game was rigged as fuck. Just, hopefully rigged in my favor this time. The Spirit’s proximity to North Watch was undoubtedly a factor in Virya’s decision to start me off here. I was counting on her wanting to provide her champion with something useful.

Also, if the cat tribe had direct access to that thing, it might be wise to avoid pissing them off.

“The other one, in wolf lands, is both farther away and it tests you with a trial by combat. So, we’re going here.”

“I wouldn’t mind getting Blessed with Might,” Kasser muttered.

“You still could,” said Biribo. “Our target Spirit might bestow pretty much anything. Also, I’m not sensing any sapient beings close enough to matter just yet, boys, but the deeper in we go the likelier it’ll be, so get your conversing over with as quick as you can.”

“I, uh…sorry, Lord Seiji, but I don’t really understand why you brought us,” said Harold.

I was glad they couldn’t see my face at that moment. “Figured you guys deserved a reward for your work on those crossbows. That’s pivotal to my plans, and I know you’re working hard on them. You’ve done a fine job. Anyway, bringing the two of you was a compromise. Biribo wanted to just bring Aster.”

“No,” Biribo said with open aggravation, “bringing Aster would’ve been the compromise! I wanted the Dark Lord to come alone, being that every additional person along on this jaunt is an extra risk of drawing the cats’ attention. With me, his spells, and her artifacts, Lord Seiji could probably avoid their notice and deal with ‘em if not. This is a case of the great and illustrious Dark Lord doing whatever the hell he wants and ignoring my advice, as per fucking usual!”

I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Don’t get too busy ranting to keep watch, Biribo.”

“I’m a familiar! I can multitask!”

“Well, we’re… I mean…thanks.” Kasser finally got the word out. Grudgingly, but he did it.

I could easily have let the conversation drop there. Probably should have, for a variety of reasons. After a pause, though, I was compelled to speak again, ignoring Biribo’s exasperated tiny facepalm.

“Anyway. Crossbows aside, I feel like I owe you guys. I’ve only seen Immolate go off and it’s…that’s bad enough. It’s got to have been nightmare-inducing to live through. You deserve…something, for it. And for sticking with me afterward.”

“It’s not like we had a choice,” Kasser muttered.

“It’s fine, Lord Seiji,” Harold hastened to assure me. “We were trying to kill you at the time. You were just defending yourself.”

“Sure, I know that’s what we discussed,” I agreed, then turned to glance over my shoulder at them. “But I still feel like I owe you something. Don’t you?”

They exchanged a look and then avoided eye contact with me, finding nothing to say. Which was as good as an answer.

Biribo buzzed closer to my ear as we continued on through the khora, pitching his tinny voice low. “Spirits with undefined reward systems usually react to Blessed with Blessing-related gifts. I’ve mentioned that, right?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“So bringing Aster would’ve probably gotten her a scroll or artifact. Which could either power up your number one henchwoman or you could’ve taken ‘em for yourself, it’s not like the Spirit would’ve stopped you. Instead, we’re gonna get party favors for these two clowns. Great use of time and energy, Lord Seiji.”

I very nearly raised my arm and backhanded him. Fatigue was definitely not doing my temper any favors. Instead, I paused, breathed, and thought. Aster’s pointed question about the way I treated Biribo rose to the forefront of my mind.

“Yeah, I know,” I said finally. “You’re right.”

Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t that. He actually dropped a few centimeters in the air as if he momentarily forgot to keep flying, then zipped forward to blink owlishly at me. “You…do?”

I shrugged, watching my feet and keeping my voice pitched low. “It’s good advice, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not that simple, though. Everything on this world is horrible bullshit, I keep having to do horrible bullshit, and even the good things I find opportunities to do are full of ulterior motives that make me feel sleazy. Biribo, I have to do some things to appease my conscience once in a while, or I will go completely insane. And not the entertaining, villainous kind of insane Virya would enjoy. I’m talking hugging my knees in the corner, rocking back and forth for days on end. So, yeah, I get what you mean, and I don’t even disagree. But I gotta give the boys something, here. I just…need to.”

“Huh,” he said. “Well, all right then, makes sense.”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “It does?”

“Sure, I understand, boss. You can’t optimize your whole life for efficiency, that’s just not how people work. Far as I’m concerned, what makes the difference is that you’re listening to advice, thinking about stuff and making a decision. I thought you were just stumbling around flailing in constant cranky outrage like you spent the entire first week doing.”

Not the highest praise I’d ever received, but hell, I’d take it.

“Lions,” I said aloud, studying the carvings. “There are lions here?”

The rest of our trek had taken about an hour, and we hadn’t talked further. Both due to Biribo’s warning about keeping quiet, and also because I suspected Kasser and Harold just didn’t have much to say to me. As an unexpected benefit of the journey, we’d passed close enough to the cat tribe’s village for him to sense where it was by the sheer concentration of people there. This was sure to be useful intel later, but for now, it was mostly beneficial in enabling us to swing wide and avoid it. From there, finding the Spirit had been easy; Maugro’s directions were broad, but familiars were attuned to Ephemera’s magic system and Biribo made a beeline for it once we got within a general range.

He estimated the cat tribe’s numbers to be around two hundred. I was curious to see a cat person for myself, but not in that quantity when I was trespassing on their land.

So now we stood before the Spirit’s altar, which was inside a dead and hollowed out husk of khora shell that had been decorated with surprisingly intricate paints and hanging beads. Bracketing its entrance were two carved blocks of akorthist clearly depicting Earth creatures I knew well.

“Sure,” Kasser answered quietly, coming to stand beside me. “Not right here, you won’t find big predators this close to a beastfolk camp. Too much competition. But yeah, in the wilder parts of the khora forest. There aren’t any khorodects on Dount, so lions and wolves are the most dangerous animals on the island. Well, aside from whatever dark elf bullshit lives in the naga lake, anyway.”

“Huh.”

Now that he mentioned it, I knew that wolves were the most widely-ranging predator on Earth, found everywhere except Antarctica, and I seemed to recall reading somewhere that lions used to have a much wider range than they do now. Interesting as that was, I was here on business.

I stepped into the shade of the khora shell, Biribo buzzing along at my shoulder, leaving the lads to keep watch outside. At my approach the subtle glow of the carvings in the altar’s white stone brightened and changed, and the projected image of the Spirit itself appeared above it.

This one was different from Granny Sparkles. The face was likewise stylized, but clearly male, as was its oddly resonant voice.

“Well, well, what have we here?” he asked rhetorically, smiling at me. “A young Dark Lord, no less. You’re an angry lad, aren’t you? But you’re trying your best. Everything has been rough for you on this world, I can tell. You persevere, though—and a bit more than that. Yes, you’re doing well, with what you’ve been given.”

I made no response to all this claptrap, pondering. Electronic music wasn’t my forte exactly, but still, I knew just how to create those exact auditory effects, given access to the right equipment. If anything, they were bog standard gimmicks. I recalled having a similar observation about the other Spirit I’d seen. Between that, the LED-looking lightshow and apparent hologram…

Could there be a technological explanation for this? If so, it followed that there was for all of this bullshit, not just the Spirit. The entire system. Any sufficiently advanced technology, and so on. Then again, I might just be projecting my own desperate need for my life to make some goddamn sense again. Highly advanced alien tech was less oppressively stupid to my mind than goddesses and magic.

“It’s dangerous to go alone,” the Spirit finally said after a pause, and then actually winked at me. “Take this.”

I narrowed my eyes to slits. Did that thing really just…?

Light coalesced out of the air, causing me to glance over my shoulder in concern, but there were no cat people anywhere in the vicinity and my two bandits were still on guard outside. Well, now peering in to see what the fuss was, because it’s not like they were actually trained guards. I turned back just in time to see the glow solidify in the air, taking the shape of a physical object. Reaching out as it fell from head height, I barely managed to catch it.

Them, actually. There were two of them. Simple curls of yellowish parchment, bound by colored ribbons.

My gambit had paid off; Virya was watching over me after all. And now I had two brand new spells!

“Hey, nice,” Harold said, observing them in my grasp as I stepped back outside. “Worth the trip, huh, Lord Seiji?”

“Indeed,” I agreed, unable to keep the smile off my face. “Okay, you’re up, lads. The thing seems harmless enough; good luck. Here’s hoping you get something good.”

I stepped to the side to clear the way, and the pair of them came forward with some trepidation. They went in together; I’d thought we’d do this single file, but whatever. Leaving the boys to their own Spirit adventure, I got down to unwrapping my presents.

As before, the spell scrolls reacted to thought. All I had to do was hold one up with the intent of activating it, and the gray ribbon broke and dissolved. The parchment unrolled before my eyes, the text written upon it turned to light and seemed to rise up off the surface as it melted in the air, and as the scroll itself disintegrated into motes of luminescence, I felt the pressure in my mind of the new spell forming. For a moment the physical world seemed to recede from my perception, leaving me amid that sphere of light on which the inscrutable characters of Ephemeral magic were imprinted. Then the process finished, leaving me with the block of thought that was the spell in my head, along with the intuitive knowledge of its working.

Orb of Light. It would conjure a ball of pure white light which would illuminate my surroundings, and float along with me so long as I maintained it. A simple utility spell, maybe a bit underwhelming, but I wasn’t about to complain. Anybody who’s ever needed a flashlight when they didn’t have one would recognize the value of this. And for me, of course, the real fun would begin when I started combining it with the other spells in my arsenal. Offhand I couldn’t think of any likely results that would do me much good, but spell combination being the inscrutable gatcha it was, you never knew what might pop out.

Not here or now, though. Spell combination required me to concentrate hard. That would have to wait till I was safely back at North Watch…and even then, probably only the two-spell variants. Combining three together was a nail-biting feat of focus which I would probably not be up to until I’d snoozed off some of the sleep debt was currently laboring under.

Even occupied with this, I was dimly aware of lights and soft voices from inside the hollowed out khora behind me, but I figured Kasser and Harold could handle themselves. There was nothing dangerous in there. Impatiently, I held up the second scroll, this one with a gold ribbon which dissolved as soon as I focused my intent on it. The process unrolled as before, and I was left with another tool in my arsenal.

Windburst. It caused a powerful blast of air along a narrow trajectory, more than enough to knock down an average human. I felt a wild grin blossom on my face as the reality of this sank in.

Finally, an actual combat spell that wasn’t horrific torture, date rape, or lighting a birthday cake! Oh, this one was a goldmine of potential. Just think of all the things I could do with this once I really got to working with spell combination… To say nothing of just being able to knock some motherfuckers over.

This had been well worth the trip.

I was still grinning when I turned to find the lads emerging from the khora shell, looking an odd combination of pleased and shaken. Immediately I noticed that Kasser was holding an absolutely beautifully carved flute, and only secondarily that Harold didn’t seem to have anything, and they were holding hands.

There was a beat of silence before Kasser noticed that I’d noticed, and his expression flattened. He tried to jerk his hand away, but Harold, in an uncharacteristic display of willpower, didn’t let go.

“Hey, I didn’t know you played,” I said, nodding toward the flute. “That’s a beautiful instrument. Maybe we can get a proper jam session going after dinner sometime, even get the rest of the crew to try singing.”

“I, uh…sure. Maybe. Look, this isn’t…” The guy was starting to look borderline panicked, repeatedly pulling his arm as Harold stubbornly clung to him. “Would you let— Lord Seiji, this isn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Harold said. Looking more closely at him, I found myself wondering what exactly had transpired in there. It felt kind of intrusive to ask, so I didn’t, but I’d never seen him looking this…calm. Beatific, almost. “Remember what the Spirit said?”

“I—I don’t—”

“Guys, relax,” I said, turning to head back the way we’d come. “I don’t care. Do what makes you happy. C’mon, let’s haul ass outta here before the cats get done partying.”

“The celebration should keep them occupied until past nightfall, but it’s probably for the best to be gone as quick as possible,” Biribo added. “And, as before, let’s try to keep it quiet.”

“I uh…” Kasser still hadn’t given up, even despite a murmured remonstration from Harold that was too soft for me to make out, given that I was facing the other way. “Look, Lord Seiji, I just don’t want…”

“Seriously, man, don’t worry about it. We’re out here in the howling goddamn wilderness, living in a ruined fort, and I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be toppling social institutions as a matter of course. If anybody gives you a hard time, punch ‘em.” I hesitated, a thought occurring. “Uh…unless it’s Sakin. Probably best not to start something with him. If Sakin gives you a hard time, let me know and I’ll deal with it.Actually…upon consideration, Sakin’s the only one who’s likely to give you shit, so…uh, just let me take care of any issues, how about that?”

We proceeded in silence for over a full minute, leading me to believe the conversation was over. Then Kasser surprised me with a bitter little laugh.

“It figures. First person in the fucking world to show some compassion is the fucking Dark Lord. The guy who burns people alive.”

“For the record,” I clarified, “this is disinterest, not compassion. I’m a big believer in not being bothered with other people’s personal business.”

“It’s pretty weird how you’re the first person to even be disinterested,” he said bitterly. “Everybody’s always so fucking invested in shit that doesn’t affect them at all. It kinda fits, actually. They always told us we were touched by Evil.”

Okay, this was starting to get legitimately uncomfortable. I was just trying to look after my employees, the way I figured a decent manager ought to, not take some kind of stand for justice. I’m the last person to do that kind of nonsense. I had spent my entire live determinedly giving no fucks about other people’s problems, and that was before I started trying to actively stir up a rebellion and overthrow the regime.

“Solid ten percent, across the board,” I muttered.

“What’s that, Lord Seiji?” Harold asked. He even sounded calm. What did that Spirit do to him?

“Where I’m from, science is much more advanced,” I said with a sigh. “We’ve studied and documented a lot about the natural world. And about ten percent of people are gay, is all. Not just people; that’s a standard average across all mammal species. One in ten, guys; it’s not uncommon. We even understand the biological purpose of it. In the animal kingdom, same sex couples are the ones that raise offspring which get orphaned. So species with the ten percent have a better overall chance of surviving than others. It’s just biology.”

“Huh,” Kasser grunted after a short pause. “I wonder why the goddess is so dead set against it, then.”

“Oh, I assure you Sanora doesn’t give a shit,” I said, grinning viciously at nothing in front of us. “This is just something stupid, incompetent, crooked governments do to stay in power. Pick out some harmless minority and designate them a scapegoat. Call ‘em corrupt or impure, accuse them of plotting against society, whatever the fuck. That way you keep people angry at the wrong target so you can carry on oppressing everybody else. The more groups you can get riled up at each other, the better you can hold onto power without having to actually run things in a way that wouldn’t make the whole population so angry in the first place. You know why Fflyr Dlemathlys hates fucking everybody so much? Women, lowborn, goblins, you guys, whoever else? It’s because it’s run by evil-minded morons who shouldn’t be in charge of their own front yard, much less a country. As long as they keep everybody fighting each other instead of the people who’re actually causing all the fucking problems, they get to stay in charge. Bunch of—”

I broke off in startlement as Biribo darted in front of my face, close enough I would’ve bonked into him had I not stopped.

“Boss,” he said in a low voice, “not to throw a wheel off your rage wagon or anything, but could we maybe keep it down?”

Ah. Right, we were being stealthy. Belatedly, I realized my voice had begun to rise in agitation the longer I’d kept talking. That was embarrassing. Why did I even give a damn about Harold and Kasser’s business? I didn’t. It was just… This whole fucked up asinine excuse for a country. I hated to see stupid assholes in charge, that was all.

I resumed walking in silence.

It was close to dark when we got back to North Watch, and I was ragged from lack of rest, but even so I couldn’t resist playing with my new toys. And I did it in the mess hall with the full crew present, because the performer in my can never turn down an audience.

Spell combination didn’t work on everything, of course. As frustratingly intuitive and imprecise as the process was, I could always tell immediately when two spells are a complete non-match; the sensation of attempting to combine them was like trying to press together the same poles of two magnets. Orb of Light, which I’d experimented with first, did not seem to connect with any of my more mentally-focused spells, so I got nothing out of it and Enamor, Spirit Bond, or Tame Beast.

Combining it with Spark created Firelight, however, which I enjoyed. It just made a floating ball of heatless fire which put off a warm orange glow instead of the clean white one of Orb of Light. So, pure style with no utility, but I already knew I’d be using that one instead of the vanilla spell, purely to flex on all the other poor suckers who didn’t have it.

Even better, I could now Summon Light Slime. The slime resulting from this was now just chilling on one of the tables, staying put thanks to Tame Beast. It put off a pure glow of golden white light that lit the room up beautifully. Now all I needed to do was get some glass bottles to put these in and we’d save a fortune on asauthec for torches, not to mention having much better lighting in the fortress.

Everybody cheered as I fired off a blast of Sparkspray, the child of Windburst and Spark. Just as the name suggested, it was a burst of heated wind that carried a spray of sparks. Not so much “wizard casts fireball” as “idiot drops a log on the campfire too hard.” Showy, but ineffective; I already had more efficient ways of setting things on fire and Windburst itself would work better for harmlessly blowing people down.

“Hey, any adventuring sorcerer would love to get their hands on that one,” Sakin disagreed when I commented on this. “Set that sucker off in anything’s eyes and you’ve bought yourself an opening for whatever else you might want to do.”

Windburst similarly didn’t want to connect with mind spells, though I felt an odd lack of resistance when I tried to combine it with Tame Beast. Unusually for a simple two-spell combination, I couldn’t make it work, but I could feel the magical code shifting around and rearranging, trying to link up. I gave up on it, though; it was as hard as pulling off a three-spell combination and I was just too tired to focus adequately.

Fittingly enough, it was my last effort of the evening that proved the most impressive. I was looking forward to being able to summon air slimes, mostly just out of curiosity at what an air slime would even look like. But though Windburst combined easily with Summon Slime, it did not grant me a new summons.

Instead…

“Huh,” I said aloud, frowning.

“Well?” Donon asked impatiently.

“C’mon, don’t keep us in suspense!” Goose added with a big grin.

I held out one hand, pointing at the far wall, and focused.

“Slimeshot!”

It just summoned a standard, useless slime—at about the velocity of a fired arrow. The slime ripped across the mess hall and hit the wall hard enough to splatter droplets in every direction.

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then wild cheering. And, from Sakin, hysterical laughter.

I slowly lowered my arm, feeling a grin of pure malicious anticipation spreading over my features. Not just at the prospect of being able to cast that at the next asshole who got on my nerves.

This was definitely no time to attempt a three-spell combination; I already knew I needed to rest and eat before trying that. But once I did…and assuming the combination of Spark, Summon Slime and Windburst worked the way I hoped and didn’t produce some annoyingly random bullshit…

Well, I was willing to bet no other sorcerer on Ephemera could whip out a personal napalm cannon.

This was gonna be good.