Only Villains Do That

“And that squares us,” Maugro said, sweeping the stacks of coins off the table into a bag, which he swiftly made disappear into his coat in an impressive feat of legerdemain. The goblin grinned up at me. “A pleasure doin’ business, Lord Seiji!”

“The first of many, let’s hope,” I replied, lifting my cup to him in a toast and then taking a sip. Prepared now, I managed not to grimace. Fucking Fflyr, what was the matter with these people? Why would they put that sour sap in wine? You can just drink vinegar if you’re that much of a masochist.

“Sweet music to my ears!” Maugro mimicked the gesture and had a much deeper quaff. “The more I see, the more I think you and I have a real future together.”

“Oh? And here I haven’t even had time to put in that goblin-sized furniture yet.”

That caused a minor shift; the two goblin bruisers standing guard over the tunnel entrance turned their heads slightly to stare at me, and Mindzi’s brazenly flirtatious simper faded as an analytical look peeked through her facade. Maugro had brought the same entourage as previously, but he himself concealed his thoughts better.

“It’s a funny thing,” he mused, idly swirling his wine. “Now, I know for a fact that caravan I gave you the info on made it to town fully intact, if a little behind schedule. Seems its crew were telling a really weird story about being attacked by slimes, of all the damn things. But because those idiots let themselves get chased off by slimes, or whatever else it actually was, the good Master Auldmaer didn’t even have to pay their full wages. So he saved money on that debacle. What’s an even funnier thing is the disaster that happened that very night to the much bigger Crown Rose Company caravan that was his most direct competition. Here I thought sellin’ the guy out like I did was putting him over a barrel, but it seems he made out like a bandit. So to speak,” he added, grinning.

“How fortuitous for him,” I said in my mildest, politest, most noncommittal tone. Just because I didn’t use that skill by preference didn’t mean I did not have it. You don’t survive in Japan without being able to put on a blank mask of courtesy at need.

“Now, I’m accustomed to dealing with people who don’t have a thought in their heads beyond their next meal,” said Maugro. “Not all, to be sure! You do business with enough bandits, though, you start to notice bandits are just people who’ve washed out of normal society, by and large.”

“Do tell,” I murmured, glancing aside at Aster, who was lounging against the wall by the kitchen door. She and Junko were all the guards I had with me for this meeting, and Aster was there more to enforce the rest of my bandits going about their business instead of rubbernecking than to protect me from any goblin shenanigans. The goblins seemed a lot more intimidated by the dog, anyway.

“They ain’t big picture people, is what I’m saying,” Maugro continued, giving me a knowing look over the rim of his cup as he took a sip of wine. “Which is how I’ve learned to be glad to meet those few who are. When a new client shows a capacity to make a long-term plan and finagle the bigger prize instead of grasping for a cheap payday…now, that’s how I know we’ve got a profitable relationship ahead of us.”

“Mm, I love a man with a nice, big…brain,” Mindzi purred, lounging against the table leg in a pose that made it seem she was in danger of melting down it. I glanced again at Aster, catching her amidst an eyeroll so intense I was surprised it wasn’t audible.

“Can I ask you guys a serious question?”

“Why, Lord Seiji!” Maugro spread his hands wide, nearly sloshing his wine. “Serious questions are what I do! As well as every other kind. What’s on your mind?”

“I mean no offense, but…” I nodded to Mindzi. “Does this usually…work? I’m still acclimating to this country, but the impression I’ve been getting is that human/goblin…intermingling…is not socially acceptable here.”

She aborted her stationary slinking so abruptly it almost looked like a stumble; her ensuing pout didn’t look like the ostentatious moues of before, but an expression of genuine annoyance. I guess it’s an unwritten rule of that game that you don’t point out it’s being played.

“If you’ll forgive me for answering a question with a question,” Maugro said pensively, “are human/goblin relations generally pleasant and positive where you’re from?”

“Where I’m from, there are no goblins. You guys are the first I’ve ever met.”

“I see.” He took another sip of the wine, studying my face. It was kind of annoying how somebody with half my body mass seemed impervious to the effects of alcohol. Different metabolism, maybe? “Well, to give you the straight answer, your impression is correct. So tallboys who have a taste for little green meat gotta be discreet about it, see? We’ve learned it’s a sign of interest when a guy isn’t overtly disgusted by the first attempt. But I guess a lot of the usual Fflyr rules don’t apply to you, huh, Lord Seiji?”

“Indeed, it’s a shame we had to meet like this,” I said diplomatically, addressing Mindzi directly. “I bet it would’ve been quite an experience. Alas, I’m not dumb enough to get entangled with a girl introduced to me by my information broker.”

Maugro brayed with laughter, but Mindzi huffed and lightly tapped his shoulder with the back of her hand. “Aw, see, and he’s even a gentleman! Figures, I finally meet a tallboy who’s worth it and the whole thing’s a non-starter, thanks to you.”

“Hah! It’s only thanks to me you ever meet anybody at all, ungrateful wench.” He swatted her rump, eliciting a squeal, and I experienced an unexpected surge of dislike.

I repressed it. This was just over-sensitivity due to spending the night seeing the worst Cat Alley had to offer. It wasn’t like I’d ever been an ardent defender of women’s rights, far from it; me getting pissy about little things like this would be the height of hypocrisy.

However, a side effect of my use of Tame Beast on her meant that Junko was incredibly sensitive to even tiny shifts of my mood. Even feelings I was certain I did not allow to leak out physically at all. I was sure—reasonably sure—that it wasn’t an actual psychic link; I’d never had a dog before but I had read that they could be like that.

Sensing my sudden tension and inferring its source, Junko, who was lying beside my chair, lifted her head, pointing her nose at Maugro, and swiveled her ears partly back.

Maugro tensed, Mindzi scuttled behind his chair with wide eyes, and both of his bodyguards put hands to their clubs and took a half-step forward, looking more alarmed than aggressive.

Yeah, they were terrified of Junko. I reached down to scratch her ears, also repressing my amusement, and she leaned into my hand, relaxing. After a moment, so did the goblins. I was really trying not to have fun at their expense, both because that would be incredibly poor manners for a host and because I was pretty sure this was exactly how I’d feel about meeting a dog that stood head and shoulders taller than myself on all fours.

“Since outstanding business is settled, then, let’s talk future business,” I said aloud.

“Ah, that’s just what I was hoping to hear,” Maugro replied, his usual garrulous grin reasserting itself. “What’ll it be, boss? We doin’ long-term arrangements, or you have something in particular you wanna know?”

“Bit of both, actually. For starters, I want information on an adventuring party I encountered in Gwyllthean.”

He leaned forward subtly and set down his wine; the grin didn’t quite fade, but I could see the shift as he transitioned from salesman mode to information professional. “That kinda thing’s my bread and jam. How much do you know about ‘em? As long as I can find them and they’re still on Dount, I can dig up details.”

“Just basic descriptions and first names, sorry. Also, they just spent a night in jail.”

“Ah!” Maugro seemed genuinely pleased at that, pulling out a pocket notebook and a kind of pencil made from little akorshil slivers tied around a stick of charcoal. “More than enough! And a relief to hear, Lord Seiji. You wouldn’t believe the piddly tidbits some of my clients expect me to craft a damn dossier out of. What’ve we got?”

I gave him a quick rundown on Yoshi and the harem; he raised his eyebrows once at the mention that Flaethwyn (whose name I had to get Aster to pronounce for me) was an elf, but aside from that was all business.

“Got it. This shouldn’t even be difficult. A foreigner, an elf, and pink hair; group like that’ll stick out like a broken toe. Any particular reason you’re looking for their details, Lord Seiji?”

“Any particular reason you need to know that?”

He shrugged, tucking his notebook back into his coat. “Hey, it’s your commission; you’re the boss. You want me to dig up everything that is or can be known about this gang, I can do that. You want them stalked and get a daily report of everything they do, I can put people on it. But that shit ain’t free, Lord Seiji. I find most clients want to know something specific, which lets me tailor my investigations. I save time, and therefore you save money, because you better believe I don’t work for charity.”

I hummed softly in consideration. Well, if he was going to be looking into them anyway, he’d undoubtedly hear the story.

“They accosted me on the street in Gwyllthean; that’s how they ended up in jail. While I’m fairly sure I’ve dissuaded them from further nonsense like that, I remain curious and somewhat concerned. So…I’m not sure how much I can narrow down your inquiries, Maugro. I just want a more complete picture of who I’m dealing with.”

“Ah, so a profile of the individuals and the group, with an emphasis on their interest in you, and an optional digression into anything particularly interesting that pops up?”

“That sounds about perfect, yes.”

“Ain’t my first trip to the races,” he said, winking. “I’ll get on it soon as we’re done here, Lord Seiji. So, what’s the rest of that bit o’ both you mentioned?”

“A few items I want to keep on top of as a matter of long-term interest.” I set down my wine; there was a limit to how much of that stuff I could stomach at a time. Note to self: ask Auldmaer about his supplier. “First off, let me just make sure I’m all paid up on the deal whereby you ensure my privacy.”

“Covered in our preceding transaction,” Maugro assured me with his shark’s grin. “That stipend gets tallied monthly, and don’t worry, Lord Seiji; for a customer in good standing such as yourself I offer a bit of leeway if the timing gets awkward come payday. Your continued business is more valuable to me than whatever pocket money I’d get from selling you out.”

“And isn’t that reassuring,” I drawled. “To be clear: I’m not just talking about my gang’s location, but any details about my presence. I do not want to be on anybody’s radar until I decide to move. I am willing to pay whatever is…appropriate.”

“Dunno what a radar is, but I got the jist. Anyway, nothing you need to worry about there, Lord Seiji. When you buy discretion from Maugro, you get discretion, without qualifiers. You’ll see what I mean if you ask me to sell out any of the other gangs.”

“Which brings us to my next standing request.”

He sighed, putting on a regretful expression. “Uh oh. Is this conversation about to get awkward?”

“No more than necessary, I hope. Relax, I’m not going to ask you to betray any confidences. I would, however, like to inquire what it would cost me to be the first notified if any of the other gangs fall behind in their payments.”

Slowly, Maugro and Mindzi both raised their heads, red eyes narrowing as they studied me closely. Oh, yeah, that girl was definitely a sharp operator when she wasn’t putting on the floozy act.

“To be clear, I’m definitely interested in knowing where to find the other gangs, and what to expect if I should decide to pay them a visit. And since I know your professional integrity it well out of my price range, I would simply like to place myself at the top of the waiting list. If and when one of them can’t pay for your discretion any longer, I want the first option to buy their details. I’m willing to negotiate a…reasonable retainer for this consideration.”

“You know something, Lord Seiji,” Maugro said, leaning back in the chair and looking pensive, “you are the first human I’ve done business with who asked me that.”

“Oh, come on,” I grinned, “no need to flatter me. I find that hard to believe.”

“Yeah, no fuckin’ kidding!” he exclaimed, suddenly animated. “Most of the gang leaders’ve tried to get me to sell out the others, but not one ever thought to propose an arrangement like you just did. It’s been years of doing this and…not a one! It’s the first thing I would ask in your position. Or theirs. Between you and me, I’ve spent a fair amount of my free time just trying to wrap my head around how a person ends up in charge of a bandit gang without being able to apply such a basic amount of forethought and problem solving.”

I didn’t answer out loud, but now it occurred to me that he’d answered his own question: bandit leaders ended up in charge, they didn’t aspire to it. Aside from the mysterious Lady Gray, there didn’t seem to be any real criminal masterminds at work here. People just fell through the cracks of society, thanks to Fflyr Dlemathlys’s society being more cracks than solid ground, and because law enforcement was a joke, culling bandit gangs usually fell to either Clansguard—organized thugs serving only the desires of some spoiled aristocrat—or adventurers. Which were just less organized thugs, heavily armed and hungry for glory.

I knew it wouldn’t be long before someone with real talent rose to challenge Gray and Olumnach. If there were none at the moment, that might go a long way toward explaining why Virya had dumped me here. No doubt there were other similarly barbarous and despotic places all over Ephemera, but Dount at this moment in time was where the opportunity waited.

Which raised the question of just what the hell Yoshi was doing here. He doubtless knew a lot more about isekai tropes than I, but wasn’t it standard that the Hero didn’t become involved until the Dark Lord was at the height of his power?

“I gotta say, Lord Seiji,” Maugro continued after a short pause in which all of us were apparently lost in our respective thoughts, “you think like a goblin.”

“Let me guess. That is meant as a compliment—one for which most humans on Dount would draw a weapon on you.”

“Right on all counts,” he grinned.

I picked up my cup and toasted him. “Then I gratefully accept the sentiment in the spirit in which it’s offered.”

“That being said…y’know what, consider yourself on the list.” He raised his own cup in response. “I know I said I don’t do charity, but it ain’t like this costs me anything. Soon as one of the gangs slips up, you’ll be the first to know. And if somebody else grows an actual brain and spends money on first dibs, I’ll inform you and give the chance to buy ‘em out.”

“Why, that’s very generous of you, Maugro,” I replied, deliberately keeping any irony out of my voice. Obviously, his next move would be to give someone else that idea, and thus ignite a bidding war while still earning goodwill from me. Then again, maybe he was just sincere? After all, he hadn’t done it in the years before now, and he was definitely sly enough to think of it. “This is all related to my next point, too: I’d like information on Clan Olumnach. Or are they also up to date on their discretion bill?”

“Hah,” Mindzi spat, suddenly scowling. “Those stuck up assholes wouldn’t even—”

“There, there, hun,” Maugro said soothingly, reaching over to pat her hip. “Bit of history there, Lord Seiji. Nah, I think you’ll find the Clans of Fflyr Dlemathlys think far too much of themselves to ever do business with goblins—at least, not without paying through the nose for an acceptably tall middleman. Olumnach’s people wouldn’t give me the time of day. So,” he grimaced, “against my better judgment, Mindzi insisted on trying her particular method of persuasion.”

“I, ah, gather the lords of Clan Olumnach don’t swing that way.”

“Fucker,” Mindzi muttered. “Didn’t need to be so violent about it. I barely got outta there with both my ears still on! Why do humans always have dogs, anyway?”

She half-hid behind Maugro again, glaring accusingly at Junko. I reached down to ruffle the latter’s ears, causing her tail to thump against the floor.

“Yeah, so,” Maugro drawled, “this is a bit complicated by the fact that people with whom I do business are closely tied to Clan Olumnach, and I’m obligated to protect their privacy by established agreements for which coin has changed hands. That hobbles me when it comes to dishing on the Olumnach’s movements out here in the wilds. I get the impression you’ve already learned they pull the strings on the bandit gangs around Dount, with the exception of Rocco’s and a couple others that are too far out in the khora forest to be leveraged against trade routes or other Clan interests. Most of what’s tactically significant about what the Olumnachs do on Dount is a little too close to revealing my other clients’ secrets. However, when it comes to the Clansguard, or known movements about the noble family themselves? Oh, you better believe I’m glad to dish on them. Hell, if you can promise me you plan to ruin their day, I just might find it in my little green heart to give you a discount.”

“That turd who got jibbed in Gwyllthean the other day?” Mindzi added with a snarl that looked way too alarming for her size, what with those shark teeth. “Lord Arider. He’s the evil fuck who set his damn dogs on me. I hope Virya kicked his rotten soul straight to the Void.”

“Oh, a Lord of Clan Olumnach died?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “That explains some stuff. I heard a rumor around the Gutters they were in some kind of dispute with the urban gangs.”

“That guy threatened to tan and emboss my tits with his signet and use ‘em as coin pouches!” Mindzi exclaimed. “I mean, what the fuck?! Who says that? What kind of twisted shit even thinks of something like that?! And you know the worst part, I’m pretty sure he actually woulda done it!”

I had to appreciate the diligence with which Arider went out of his way to ensure I wouldn’t feel bad about being responsible for his death.

“Okay, ‘Zi, you’re letting personal business affect our work,” Maugro reproved. “Arider’s dead, which means you won. Time to let it go.”

“Wish I coulda at least watched,” she muttered. “Or taken a shit on his corpse.”

Junko raised her head, causing both goblins to freeze, but I patted the dog and she subsided again.

“Anyway,” I said, “thank you for clarifying where you stand about that, Maugro. I’ll keep it in mind. Since I’m in no position to get uppity with Clan Olumnach just yet I’m going to choose to conserve my funds at the moment; my interest is more in the other gangs around Dount. As soon as anything changes, I’ll come right to you. On to the next item…”

“Wow, you really are setting yourself up for the long term,” Maugro said with clear approval. “That’s what I like to see! What’ll it be next, Lord Seiji?”

“I am in the market for scrolls and artifacts,” I said. “Can you keep me appraised of the trade?”

He grimaced, sucking in air through his teeth. “Gonna have to disappoint you on that front, Lord Seiji, sorry. There just ain’t a trade on Dount. Hell, anywhere in Fflyr Dlemathlys—you’d have to go to Lancor or Godspire to find an actual broker in commodities like that. ‘Round here, you want a spell scroll or artifact, you either get it right from the Spirit or buy it directly off somebody who did. I got a few adventurers I do business with, but honestly, if one of them was looking to sell it’d get snapped up before I could get word to you out here, much less set something up.”

“Damn.” I forgot myself so far as to take a sip of wine. Hopefully he interpreted my wince as a response to the news, not the libation I’d served him. Why had I even uncorked another bottle of this swill?

“Now, that’s not to say I can’t do anything for you,” he hastened to add. “I won’t sugar-coat it: your options are pretty starkly limited unless you reach out far beyond Dount. We don’t even have an active dungeon on this island. What I can do is draw up a list of known Spirits on the surface, along with a description of their challenge and reward. In fact, I got a few different lists, depending on your levels of access. Y’know, cos a lot of those things are walled away on private grounds held by various Clans.”

“Mm. What about a complete list, with annotations about whoever controls access to it and known means of currying their favor—or bypassing their defenses?”

“Hah!” Again, he grinned broadly, and the animal part of my brain couldn’t help interpreting the expression as a threat despite his evident good cheer. Those teeth. “Now that right there’s a real goblin question, Lord Seiji, and yes, that is still a compliment. Yeah, I don’t have such a document just lying around my office, but I do have all that info at my fingertips. It’s just a matter of cross-referencing notes and writing shit down. I can have it to you tomorrow.”

“Perfect. Then before we talk totals, there’s just one other thing I want to know.”

Maugro spread his arms, beaming. “So far you’re the best customer I’ve had all month! What’ll it be?”

I kept my tone as casual as the whole conversation had been thus far. “I’m hoping to call upon your services as a middleman. Can you put me into contact with a goblin alchemist? A good one.”

Both their faces abruptly went expressionless. The two silent kneecappers by the tunnel entrance turned their heads to stare fixedly at me.

“You not satisfied with the alchemy shops in Gwyllthean?” Maugro finally asked, his voice as deliberately nonchalant as my own. “They’ll set you back a lot less.”

“Oh, to be sure. And if I find myself needing akorshil varnish or rat poison, I’ll probably just go there and save money. But I’m afraid those aren’t too helpful if I want something more interesting. Like, say…fireproof glue, fog dust, sleep venom…”

The goblin’s shoulders shifted as he inhaled through his nose and let it out in a short sigh. “Aha. You’ve been asking Sakin questions. Y’know, somehow Rocco went his whole tenure without ever thinking to interrogate that guy about the stuff he knows. In hindsight, the surprising thing about Rocco’s leadership here is that it lasted as long as it did.”

I had indeed asked Sakin questions; fortunately Aster and I had arrived at North Watch with time to grab some sleep, some food, and do that before my scheduled meeting with Maugro. I’d spent much of the walk back from town—in part to distract myself from memories of Cat Alley—reconsidering my approach to actual banditry. I wasn’t going to start up Rocco’s old con even if that wouldn’t have automatically pushed Aster to mutiny, and my efforts at raiding caravans thus far had taught me that I needed a much more efficient way of doing that before I could make good on my arrangement with Auldmaer. Preferably one that minimized the risk to my already tiny forces, and if possible preserved my anonymity. I’d come up with no answer to this conundrum, and so had consulted the one person available to me whom I suspected knew a lot more about criminal business than he’d let on.

And indeed, Sakin had immediately proposed a source of assets which the Fflyr of Dount, thanks to their own prejudices, either disdained to use or didn’t know existed.

Of course, that fact, and now this conversation, raised another interesting line of questions.

“What kind of stuff does that guy know?” I asked mildly.

“Seems like you’d get a better answer to that from him.”

“I am really not sure that I would.”

Maugro grinned; Mindzi rolled her eyes. “Heh, probably right. Is this a formal request for information, Lord Seiji? Because if so, we need to add another item to the tally when it comes time to talk numbers.”

“Mmm. What can you tell me, without putting me in debt, about whether it’s worth paying for information on Sakin?”

The info broker shrugged, performatively casual. “Sakin’s like you, Lord Seiji: a way more interesting caliber of troublemaker than this piddly little operation out here deserves. He’s unlike you in that you seem to be trying to whip this outfit into shape, while Sakin is apparently… I dunno, retired? On vacation? Oddly sanguine about fuckin’ around in the khora forest with miscellaneous reprobates. Personally, if I had that guy operating under my authority, I would spend coin to find out everything I could about his origins. You do you, though.”

“Perhaps we’ll revisit that,” I hedged. I sure as hell would, but I wasn’t sure how urgent it was and it seemed like I was already racking up a bill that might make Maugro question the source of my on-hand cash. “Now, about alchemy…”

“Sure, I know people,” he said neutrally. “That’s one of the great constants of life: Maugro knows people. This, however, is not straightforward. Goblin business is none of human business, get me? We barely manage to eke out a living as it is, and the biggest impediment to that is humans. When they aren’t pushing us out of every honest trade, they’re sending adventurers into our homes to murder everybody, steal what little we’ve got that’s of value to ‘em, and generally wreck shit.”

“Hm… I’m sorry to hear that. I thought the local humans were afraid to go underground?”

“Yeah, and that’s why that isn’t more of an ongoing concern than it is—why we can manage to live at all in human territory. Takes either fear of punishment or a shit ton of reward money to make human adventurers do that, neither of which the big names in charge wanna provide unless they consider it important. Which basically means any time goblins start putting together a secure enough position to make us less easy to kick around. And that brings us to our problem, Lord Seiji. If a bandit gang started throwing around the kind of alchemy that’s known to be a goblin specialty… That leads in a straight line to the King’s Guild posting a reward to do to us what you’re proposing to do to them.”

I thought back to my own visit to the Guild, and the posted notice that they were interested in investigating goblin activity.

“I see,” I said slowly. “So, not to change the subject… But if I were interested in getting in touch with a goblin engineer able to make crossbows, would a similar concern apply?”

Mindzi cringed outright; Maugro slapped a hand over his eyes, leaning his head back to emit a long groan.

“Lord Seiji, please. I was so optimistic about all this new business you’re bringing me. Please don’t make me regret this relationship.”

“Okay, I get where you’re coming from.” Shit; I really did, and it was decidedly inconvenient for my own plans. “But I’m not asking you to sell me anything too dangerous, Maugro. Can you put me in contact with somebody who can do the kinds of things I’m asking about, and let them make their own call?”

“At the risk of having my name associated with the business if it all goes tits up, yeah,” he said pointedly. “My work thrives on connections, Lord Seiji. I gotta explain how much trouble it is for me if goblin society in general blames me for an adventurer raid? I don’t even need to be at fault, just having the stink on me’ll be more than enough.”

“Okay, how about this.” Bless Sakin, he’d had the forethought to suggest a bargaining chip already in my possession; I really hoped it would be enough, because I had nothing left to fall back on. “I’ve recently learned some interesting things about slimes.”

“Slimes,” he repeated, red eyes narrowing. I could practically see him thinking back to news of the attack on Auldmaer’s caravan.

“They’re basically blobs of mildly corrosive goo, with interesting properties as a result of being inherently magical and only sort of technically alive. Right? I hear those are very useful to alchemists.”

“They’re a base component for a fair number of potions, yeah,” he said, still aggressively noncommittal. “That’s common knowledge.”

“I also hear they’re not native to Dount. Apparently they like wet environments, on hard surfaces where they’re not likely to ooze through the ground if they stop moving. Which makes the only local place where they tend to live…the canals surrounding Gwyllthean.”

“You’re also describing any natural cave system,” he said dryly. “Such as, y’know, where goblins live?”

“Are the caves on Dount natural?” I countered. “Or are they goblin-carved tunnels designed to catch thermal updrafts from the core? In other words, warm, dry, and windy, exactly the worst kind of environment for slimes to live in?”

This time Maugro managed to control his expression better, but it was Mindzi’s turn to squint aggressively at me. I noticed that both of his bodyguards had shuffled forward from the tunnel, staring at me with borderline hostile faces.

Sensing the tension, Junko raised her head again, ears forward and alert. All the goblins froze. I did not pat the dog, for the moment.

“Man,” Maugro said after a very loaded pause, “you really got Sakin flapping his yap. I wonder, did you actually have to entice or coerce him with something? Or was all that dude’s nefarious expertise just waiting for somebody to ask him nicely? Cos, no lie, if it’s the last one, I’m honestly gonna laugh.”

“I think the right thing for me to do would be to respect Sakin’s privacy, at least until I have a specific reason not to,” I said diplomatically, causing Mindzi to snort. “But back to what I was saying, I can only imagine how difficult it is for the local goblin alchemists to catch wild slimes from the Gutters. They’re already big enough to be hard for you folks to handle, and that’s the heart of Fflyr territory where anybody who sees you scuttling around is likely to throw things or call the guard. Not to mention that the human alchemists probably feel threatened by goblin expertise to begin with; they’d have a standing motivation to—”

“Okay, with the greatest possible respect, Lord Seiji, you’ve made your point.” He sighed, leaning back in his chair again. “You’re not wrong, any alchemist I know in the tunnels would love a cheap, convenient source of slimes. Before I can broach the topic with any of ‘em, I need a little more detail. How many can you produce, how consistently, and how fast?”

“The answer to all those questions is yes,” I replied, smiling beatifically. “Unlimited slimes. Any slimeproof container I’m sent, I can fill, as often as they’re brought to me. The only limitation is my schedule and the fact I can’t always be here and at liberty to do it. And if the alchemist in question is willing to send me along some finished products, I don’t even need money for them.”

The pause which ensued was even more loaded; this time, all the goblins fixed their attention on Maugro, who was staring into space, slowly working his jaw as if physically chewing on the idea.

“Not saying there ain’t risks,” Mindzi finally said to him, “but damn. The finder’s fee alone…”

“All right,” he agreed, his eyes focusing back on me. “You just never cease to be interesting, Lord Seiji. Tell you what, I can put you in touch with somebody. What happens after that ain’t my business, though. As regards the rest of it… Seems we’ve got a lot of numbers to go over.”

“Of course,” I said, smiling pleasantly and scratching behind Junko’s ear. After my last spell of overconfidence had led directly to Cat Alley I wasn’t about to declare, even to my own inner monologue, that things were once again coming up Seiji, but still.

Progress.