The journal was still on Lil’s lap. It may only be a leather cover with a few sheets of paper, but to her it was too heavy to ignore.

{ “…I listened to your breathing for two months! You didn’t budge, even when I begged you to stop making me merely listen… So why did you pretend to be asleep?..” }

‘I’ve been wondering how Ed knew something that even Cesar had never noticed… But now that I heard it from Levi, it feels strange I didn’t realise it myself. I can somewhat understand what made him so angry. Over time, he had grown sensitive to the sound of his patient’s breathing, anxious that my breathing would abruptly come to a stop.’

Lil could easily picture Ed sitting in the chair Levi had sat in. 

‘A person who suffers because I’m not waking up, one who tries to withstand exhaustion but can’t help but doze off from time to time… Despite all that, he never left my side, needing the assurance that I was merely asleep, not dead, in front of him.’

{ “Aren’t you like… a couple?!” } 

From that one sentence Lil knew that Levi assumed that Ed had feelings for her. Lil once thought so too. Ed’s puzzling actions could be better understood if they were read through the lens of affection. He pretended to be cordial only to be by her side, and he managed to ingratiate himself with her in every way possible to avoid being booted out. 

Lil felt foolish and blind to have dismissed it as a mere crush.

‘Of course, back then it didn’t answer all my questions, but I tolerated him because I was sorry for the life that he lost without being given the chance to defend himself. I’m now paying a hefty price for it. I should’ve been suspicious till the end…’ 

That was Lil’s conclusion.

‘…Or… Ed should’ve confessed before it turned out this way. Can love without truth really be called love? It’s selfishness, not affection, to force faith while committing fraud that couldn’t be forgiven even if he told it with his own mouth… Even if he had no intention of hurting the Bell Rock, Ed should’ve been more careful. Whether his rashness was intentional or natural, I can’t forgive him too easily. I hate the idea of casually changing my mind, especially when it comes to the weight of lives… and even if that weight becomes so light towards Ed…

No captain has faith in the sea breeze that instantly fades right after pushing the sail heavily. A captain who blindly follows that kind of breeze will lose his direction, his position, and eventually his ship. A tailwind can always turn into a fierce headwind or disappear like a dead wind… I still don’t know what kind of wind Ed is… I simply don’t know…’ 

Lil rubbed her throbbing temples. The thought of Ed exhausted her. She wasn’t in a position where she could afford to waste her energy on minding her feelings, and she knew that better than anyone else. But whenever Ed was in the picture, she couldn’t help but be drawn to him endlessly. 

‘No matter how hard I try to turn away, I always fail. It drives me mad to the point that all I want to do is curse, be furious, and despise, everything in order to sever my thoughts.’

It seemed as though a rush of wind had driven her into an unknown sea. No matter how many times she looked around, she was only met with unfamiliar sights. Lil had no idea if the route she was taking would put her back on track…

…Or sink her…

***

Levi waited for Lil, who went to wash herself after the treatment was done. 

When Lil came out of the bathtub, she was immediately seized with a foreboding feeling after seeing several dresses lying on the chair, the hastily made partition and a dressing table.

‘No, rather than merely wait, it’s more right to say she stayed because she wanted to dress me up.’ 

Levi, holding a crimson dress, turned to Lil.

“Okay, so now we can finally change you into some decent clothes.”

“…”

Levi hooked arms with Lil once again and led her behind the partition. Lil couldn’t help but be dragged along in a daze. She hadn’t had any sort of social physical contact in a long time, so it felt awkward, even though it had been a normal occurrence in her previous life.

Behind the partition, maids were already laying out clothes and accessories. Lil’s face, which was already pale to begin with, turned even paler and eventually hardened. Levi, completely unaware, rummaged through the pile of outfits in a cheerful manner.

“I had some of my clothes altered in a hurry. It slipped my mind to get clothes in your size because every day went by without time to spare…”

“…”

“…What did you say your name was again?”

“It’s Lil.”

“…Lil?”

Levi appeared to have realised it wasn’t her real name. But she quickly covered her reservations as she accepted a dress given to her by one of the maids.

“We called you Visha.”

“…What?”

“No one knows why Edgar named the Visha, Visha, so we used to speculate that Visha might be his secret lover. But hearing that your name is Lil, I no longer think that Visha is the name of his lover.”

“..?”

Lil couldn’t bear to ask Levi why she no longer thought that ‘Visha’ may be Ed’s lover. After all, this misunderstanding could be rather favourable to her.

“I thought this kind of style would suit you, what do you think? I actually don’t know if you’ll like the rest of my clothes because they only have simple designs…”

“…”

Levi held a dress in front of Lil. As Lil gazed at the light pink wrap gown, she sighed. 

‘I have no idea where to begin to remedy the situation…’

Levi, of course, was correct. Without the usual ribbon embellishments, there was nothing more left to it than a classic look that added dignity only through gloss and creases. But the clothes Lil needed weren’t anything with a skirt. However, she couldn’t flat out ask for pants right away, and even if she did, she wouldn’t dare to request to have Linhardt’s or Ed’s garments altered.

“Oh, you don’t like it? I picked it out with a lot of care…”

“No. Thank you. I’ll make sure to pay you back.”

“No… you don’t have to pay me back…”

Awkwardly, Lil rubbed the rustling hem of her clothes for no reason. When Levi walked out of the partition, the maids were hesitant to approach. To comfort the women, Lil remarked to rid them of their worry.

“That wasn’t blood.”

“…Yes?”

“It was ink.”

“Ah, yes… I’m sorry.”

Still, the maid’s hand trembled in the air. Unable to bear it any longer, Lil took off her gown herself and put on a thin linen smock*. A second sigh slipped Lil as she noticed that the collar barely covered her chest.

‘If I get caught in a surprise attack and move in haste, my chest will be exposed.’

A maid who joined belatedly put a wrapping gown over the white fabric. Her outer garment, the gown, was loose and had to be draped over her shoulders, but Lil pulled up the hem while looking at the maid who tried to lower her collar so that her shoulder line would be revealed. The gesture was small, yet its message was clear*. The maid, who had arranged the fine wrinkles of her smock to stand out from under the gown and settled around her breasts, put a belt around her waist without saying anything. 

Lil swallowed many words as she looked down at her clothes. 

‘This makes it impossible to operate a simple weapon, let alone fight.’

Still, she liked the flowing, wide sleeves. The smock’s frill stuck out from the ends, which were only up to her elbow. Lil’s practical mind immediately thought she might be able to hide a short sword there. While Lil was distracted by her thoughts, a maid put a green shawl around her shoulders. The wide, long cloth was wrapped around her body. Lil, who had held up well until then, squealed as the maid lifted a corolla.

“Stop!”

The startled maid shook her shoulders.

“Pardon?”

“Not that. That’s… I don’t want it..”

“But…”

“This is enough, right? I’m going out.”

As Lil hurriedly left the partition, the shawl somehow remained intact. Seeing Lil, Levi smiled brightly and clapped her hands. At this point Lil’s patience was running out, but she managed to smile faintly and pulled up the shawl. After hearing Levi muttering praises about her own discernment, Lil heard her sigh as she approached the door.

“…Where are you going? I’m yet to do your hair.”

Lil stomped her foot inside her skirt. She was in a hurry, so she didn’t have the time to carelessly allow someone to decorate her hair. Lil realised that between Levi’s treatments, she wouldn’t have much of an opportunity to sneak around in this mansion. 

‘In that case, I have to quickly steal Gualtiero’s blueprints and get out of the house immediately. Of course, I still want to confront Ed, but that will have to wait till after my crew has successfully escaped.’

“It’s all right.”

“Even now, a handful of hair is falling out. Are you prepared to lose all of them? Are you going to leave them like that?*”

In the end, Lil was pinned down and had to have her hair braided. Levi suggested that her hair be braided instead of tied up since it wasn’t completely dry yet. Lil’s only response to that was for Levi to finish quickly. To Lil, it was a strange experience. Back in the day, such troublesome things were easy for her to ignore. But it seemed like she couldn’t afford to turn her back on Levi. 

‘Well, how can I ignore the benefactor who took care of me day and night… When the only thing she asks of me is if she could braid my hair?’ 

Lil’s heart ached while she was brushed by Levi’s humming.

– – – – –

Footnote:

Smock: Smocks or shifts (‘chemise’ in French) were the most basic undergarments of all women and men (men’s were referred to usually as shirts) in sixteenth-century Europe. It was the base layer of dresses and smocks and shirts were worn underneath every type of clothing. 

The message: Close maids working around Lil know that she’s a lady that caught their marquess’ eye (Ed’s). They probably think they need to dress Lil up in a way that will satisfy Ed. 

Hair: one of the side effects of the use of the Maltine drug was hair loss.