My Soul Will Find Yours

"Lady Hinata, have you ever loved someone you're not supposed to love?" Mami asked, beginning her story. "I have. I tried to fight it but my feelings were too strong, I was helpless against it."

She sighed, swirled the contents of her teacup absentmindedly, and looked at me. "I'm about to tell you why I'm the shogun's official wife only in writing, will you lend me an ear?"

I reached out to touch her hand and gave it a squeeze.

She smiled and dropped the bomb, "The reason is simple, I'm in love with someone else… My heart belongs to the crown prince."

I was not expecting that, I just stared at her wide-eyed. And then…

She shook her head, "No, that's not right. It's more like I'm in love with his kagemusha. I'm in love with my cousin's double, Iura-san."

"H-his double?" I gasped.

"Hai," she tucked her hair behind her ears and continued. "I was six when I first met Iura-san. He was some farm boy the emperor's men found after searching high and low for his beloved firstborn's double. Like many people of his class, he came from a family that barely had enough to survive the day. The lands they tended were not favorable for farming so their harvests were always insufficient. When the emperor's men told his father of their intention to purchase him, the amount was immediately agreed upon and he was sent to the imperial palace without a hitch. His father didn't bother to ask for his opinion and sold him right then and there."

"When he arrived in the palace, everyone was amazed at the uncanny resemblance he had with my cousin. If it weren't for the scar on his left chest where his father whipped him and the fact that he was stick thin, we wouldn't have had a way to determine who's who. Iura-san is the crown prince's perfect copy, and because they were also of the same age, things went smoothly. For months he was trained to speak and act like my cousin. He was surprisingly very quick to learn, he perfected his impersonation of the emperor's favorite child in less than a year."

"I was very curious of Iura-san. Whenever he was not pretending to be the crown prince, he'd return to his aloof and reserved self. I have always been the type to speak what was on my mind; once, when I saw him staring into space, I tapped his shoulder and accused him of being strange. The only response I got from him was an unfeeling glance," Mami was so immersed in her recollection, her facial expressions reflected her feelings from those days. "I was used to people getting irritated or annoyed by my tactlessness, but he was the first person who didn't show me any reaction. I took it as a challenge and made it my mission to crack that stoic façade of his. My obsession with him went on until we reached puberty."

Mami took a sip of her tea and frowned, "The tea's gone cold, would you like a fresh pot?"

"No, thank you," I declined graciously. Truth be told I just wanted her to continue.

"As soon as he began to explore what his body was capable of doing, my cousin turned into a profligate rakehell. No one dared to oppose him; if he took a fancy towards a girl, the woman had no choice but to give in to his desires and offer herself to him. He has fathered children more than the emperor himself has sired. He is spoiled rotten by my aunt and uncle, so he grew more and more debauched as he grew older."

"One day, I received a note from Iura-san telling me to meet him in one of the palace's inner garden. When I reached the area, a pair of hands grabbed me from behind and knocked me unconscious. When I came to, I woke up to find myself being groped and stripped naked. I was surprised to see that the hands violating my body belonged to my cousin! Three already naked palace maids were assisting him in getting rid of my clothing and restraining me. Apparently, he knew of my unusual friendship with his decoy and wanted to see if I would fall for his trap. He said that I'm the only woman in the castle he hasn't tasted yet and it was time for him to discover whether I could satiate his growing hunger," she paused, her fingers were trembling.

She was silent for a very long time so I assumed continuing was difficult for her. From what I've heard so far, it seemed like Mami's secret is a painful one. "It's alright, you don't have to finish your story if you don't want to."

"No, it's about time someone other than Iura-san and I know of this," she said through gritted teeth. "Lady Hinata, did you know? You're the first friend I ever had. This feeling of having someone to confide in is completely new to me but I love it."

Her habit of flicking invisible specks of dust resurfaced, I realized this was her way of hiding her shyness.

"I'm glad to be your first friend. Rest assured I'll keep your secrets safe," I replied.

"Thank you," with her hands balled into fists, she continued recalling her past, "I struggled as hard as I could and even threatened the maids that if they didn't release me, I shall make sure that they all lose their heads. The women just laughed and sneered at me; after all, who was I compared to the future king? They tied me up before performing various lewd acts in front of me. My cousin told me that this was so I could learn some pointers from the maids on how to act and sound when it was my turn, I have never seen anything so disgusting! What's more, all the women greatly enjoyed being part of it!"

"When they were done, the three women untied and restrained me. It was finally my turn to be 'blessed' by the crown prince, they said. When his filthy hands touched me, when his mouth and tongue invaded my womanhood, I screamed and fought as hard as I could. My legs were already parted and he was about to take my virginity when a knock came on his door. He cursed and scolded the servant who interrupted him, he only calmed down when he was told that the emperor wished to see him in his study. Needless to say, I was saved."

I released the breath I never knew I was holding when I heard her last sentence. My skin crawled at the thought of Mami being cheapened by the cruel bastard.

"I ran back to my room as fast as I could, I never felt so dirty and awful. I wanted to wash off the traces of his touch as soon as possible!" her voice shook with a combination of anger and frustration. "Sadly, I bumped into the man I wanted to see the least at that time. On my way to my residence, I was stopped by Iura-san. When he saw my face, he asked me what was wrong. As soon as his skin touched mine, I was overcome by the most unpleasant feeling so I slapped him hard on the face! That day, the face I yearned for in my dreams every single night became my biggest nightmare."