Julius Caesar

I watched kids running around, people walking their dogs, and couples snogging as I looked for an unoccupied bench which I couldn't find. Slightly irritated at the crowdedness, I headed toward one with a girl in a black dress, sitting and listening to music or whatever through her earphones while tapping her sneakers-clad feet.

Good. She was in her own world. I sat there, keeping as much space between us. She didn't as much glance at me.

I unwrapped my burger and began eating it hungrily. I was staring all the while at the girl's tapping feet and the anklet she wore that kept jingling. It was a silver anklet with many charms. There were the letters 'S' and 'R', elegantly surrounded by tiny, dangling sapphire jewels.

"Don't you just feel at times that you want to listen to Sam Smith or like those extremely depressing songs? Like you need it." I heard someone say and lifted my head to find the girl looking in my direction like she was expecting an answer. My lips parted in surprise.

I took in her glossy black hair that hung at her shoulders, pale skin, sunglasses, and heart-shaped lips and cleared my throat quietly.

"Yes?" I replied, believing like this was the strangest conversation I ever had.

I didn't even know who was this Sam Swift she was talking about.

"Come here. Listen along-" She patted the place next to her, looking straight ahead.

I looked at her curiously, then slowly raised myself, and nested myself next to her. I saw a smile tug at her lips. Looking straight ahead of her, she asked- "Can I have your hand?"

I frowned, not understanding what she wanted. I almost moved away, but she found my left hand and gently pulled it toward her. She then placed her mp3 player there and squeezed my fingers shut around it.

I stared at her like she was crazy. She acted so and that unnerved me. Because her apparent 'instability' was pregnant with ambiguity. And ambiguity is the enemy of a murderer. It translated to lots of alarming questions. And mainly, really- what the hell?

I watched her carefully remove an earbud and hold it in front of her face. I stared at it cluelessly.

"Will you take it?" She requested softly, and I hesitated before reaching out for the earbud. I hesitantly placed it next to my ear while cursing myself for putting me in such a situation.

My own actions surprised me. I was supposed to be alarmed. Ready to swing the gun in the back of pants in her face any second. But I decided to give her a chance.

"Now-" She said, smiling. "-choose a song."

It was 'too good at goodbyes' by Sam Smith. Or Swift. Or whatever was his name. It's unnecessary to detail.

"Good choice-" She said. "I really like this song!"

"Yes," I lied and she nodded, tapping her feet again.

"So? What brings you here?" She asked and I looked at her face. She wasn't looking at me which made me incapable of assessing her body language properly. God, she was being a Rubik's cube that I failed solving.

"I don't know. It was very random, really. I just wanted some fresh air." I said curiously, wanting to see where this would take us.

"Same. But correct me if I'm wrong, you sound very stressed." She said nonchalantly, and I snapped my head in her direction. How did she do that? One must examine the facial expressions of others to be able to make such notions. I would know because my ability to translate body language was exemplary.

"I do?" I feigned surprise.

"Yes."

"How did you know?" I asked a bit impressed, a lot shocked.

"I just...know." She smiled again. "But a little bit of Sam Smith and talking to strangers would definitely do the trick." She chuckled and I for once smiled. She didn't sound like a danger to me...in spite of her peculiar actions and assumptions.

But I remember liking the sound of her laughter.

"Yes. Definitely-" I chuckled lightly and she nodded at nothing in particular. She then turned to me slowly and removed her earbud. I eyed her with interest as I removed mine.

"What's your name?" She asked as I watched her perfectly dark-blue, nail-polished fingers reach for the bench in caution.

I looked at her and considered what name to tell her. Did I really need to hide in front of a stranger that I'd probably never meet again?

"Julius Caesar," I said simply, watching her face.

"That's a very unique name." She said as the wind blew through her soft hair. "My name is Samara." She smiled brightly, removing some hair strands from her face.

"It's nice meeting you. Samara." I was still absolutely amused by her.

"It's nic-" She started but was interrupted by the sound of an alarm. A woman's voice then announced the time as two in the afternoon.

"Oh. I have to go." She said as if displeased by what she said.

"Yeah. Right, sure." I muttered as I gave her the mp3 player.

She then got up and reached behind the bench for something. A...fold-able cane? She then looked in front of her and said with a small smile.

"It was nice meeting you too, Julius Caesar."

She then walked away slowly and cautiously, occasionally poking her cane in front of her. I watched her do that for a long time before a woman rushed by her side and took her into a car.

Only then did I understand. Only then did my doubts seem senseless.

Samara was blind.

I grimly headed back to the motel late in the afternoon, not knowing what to do with myself. I was exhausted and decided that my only saviour would be a hot bath, for I found solace in the feeling of warm water on my skin.

I entered the bathroom- which was surprisingly clean- and filled the tub with water. I then carefully took off all my clothes, layer by layer, keeping my cigarette box on the tub's edge. I covered my cast so that it was impermeable to water, then slowly lowered myself into the tub.

I initially wanted to jump out when my skin came intact with the hot water, but I stayed nonetheless welcoming the numbness as my muscles relaxed. I rested my head on the tub's edge and took a deep breath before reaching for a cigarette.

I lit it up, inhaled in the smoke and exhaled it out slowly. I closed my eyes and let my mind take over. It wasn't pleasant, but that was what happened when I felt disturbed and detached.

I visited the darkest pit in my mind. My memories.

Mum. My mum whom I lost at sixteen for cancer. I was convinced that no-one would ever love me as she did. And that was obviously because I was pure and innocent at that time. I was normal and lovable. Someone to be proud of. If she was still alive, maybe I would've been a successful architect. Not a murderer.

It still surprised me- how my mindset seemed to change completely after witnessing the murder of Audrey and my baby. I was fine with murder because I never really thought of it. It was a part of my routine. One wouldn't normally ask themselves why they sit up on the bed, first thing in the morning. It just happened.

And allowing my mind to think and think, and think, made me realise that I would've never chosen to be a murderer.

Because there was nothing tying me to it except for the vision of making my father proud. It wasn't like I lusted after blood. Or was addicted to the thrill. In fact, the older I got, the more meaningless it appeared and felt. And I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But it meant, for sure, that I was in no way attached to it.

But I was too young and too dumb to realize that I was getting caught in a relentless wave. I was getting dragged in the depths of the darkest oceans of sin. But we all like to blame our mistakes on someone. Or some incident. Or 'circumstance'- my favourite excuse. Truth is, we hate to blame ourselves. We hate to live with that.

So I convinced myself that it was Father's fault. That he led me to this.

As if I hadn't the ability to rebel and fight against him, not side with him. So I felt angry and decided that I hated the younger, naive version of myself. I hated it for succumbing so easily and pathetically.

But the warm water had magic in it that calmed down. I returned the cigarette to my mouth, inhaled, and tipped my head back.

If mum was still here- I thought, things would've been different.

But we can't blame the dead for something they never intended to do. Mum would have never thought that marrying Father, bringing me to the world, then leaving me would have caused what I had chosen to become. She wouldn't be proud of what I'd become. And that was an old, unpleasant thought that sent displeasing chills down my spine.

With a sudden loss of appetite for smoking, I killed the cigarette by bringing it's burning tip to the water and threw it on the damp floor. I then lowered my head under the water, opened my eyes, and looked at the lights which all seemed to dissolve under the water to a blur. It was like I entered another world where sound didn't exist. I could hear my own heartbeat if I focused enough.

Feeling my eyes sting from the contact with the water, I closed them and felt my hair float around me in bliss. Bubbles rose from my mouth as I tried to clear my mind from any thoughts.

I then came out, took a deep breath, coughed twice, and pushed the hair off my face. I remembered staring at the ceiling for a long time before everything lost its sense to me.