I, Qing Huan

"Can I kiss you?"

Nan Yang was stunned as expected, frowning slightly, as if he was searching his stomach and thinking about rejection.

A Huan hurriedly explained: "I have brushed my teeth, and I have brushed it several times. Moreover, I haven't used my mouth for anyone in the past month."

The dim light from the toilet shone on her face, in addition to enchanting, it also added a bit of melancholy.

"I..." Nan Yang stopped talking.

Seeing Nanyang's expression, A Huan quickly covered the loss in his eyes, and waved his hand pretendingly: "Take you tease, I know you love to be clean, so I won't touch you."

Nan Yang shook his head: "I don't think you are dirty, but... I have used my mouth today, and I will also brush my teeth."

The smile on A Huan's face disappeared. She walked over and stared at Nanyang and asked loudly, "You use your mouth? Are you crazy?! Who is it? Who is so powerful, let you give her a mouth?! "Her heart hurts all of a sudden. She can't imagine Nan Yang bowing her head under another person. How can the cleanest person in her eyes help others with her mouth?" If she is really lonely, why not find herself? She is the most beautiful one here, and the technology is also the best. Why didn't she choose her?

"I mean..." Nan Yang stared at A Huan who was out of control, "I ate a candied haw with my mouth."

She pointed to a bamboo stick on the stack of banknotes on the bedside table.

A Huan was dumbfounded, and for a long while, he rarely scolded an unpleasant swear word.

Nanyang explained: "You don't like to eat hawthorn, I might still have a taste of hawthorn..."

"To shut up!"

A Huan cursed, threw the towel in her hand and sat down on Nanyang. She held her face and kissed those light-colored eyes.

Yeah, just eyes. She dared not kiss her lips. How can someone like her be worthy to touch the pure land with the sweet smell of hawthorn.

A Huan felt the subtle touch of each eyelash piercing her lips, and she did not want to loosen it for a long time. She didn't kiss enough, she thought Nanyang was sweet, and even her eyebrows were as attractive as licorice candy. She couldn't wait to swallow her muscles and muscles into her belly. This is the cleanest thing she has done in recent years: kissing a clean woman, kissing her clean eyes.

A Huan noticed something while kissing her eyes.

She fell in love with Nanyang. Only when two people are in love, simply kissing the eyelashes will make her soul tremble. She fell in love with her, just like an earthworm fell in love with a flower, and a mouse fell in love with the sun. There is no suspense, and it is inevitable.

How could people in the sewer not yearn for light.

A Huan finally let go of Nanyang's eyes. She lay on Nanyang's shoulders, panting, and pursing her lips as she panted, reminiscing about the infatuation.

"I will never give others a mouthful again. Can I kiss you every time?"

A Huan asked in a begging tone.

Nanyang was silent for a while, and said softly, "In fact, no matter what you look like, you can kiss me."

A Huan smiled: "You'd better not say this to me. As soon as you say it, I want to be good."

She was lying on Nan Yang's shoulder, so she couldn't see, Nan Yang's eyes were dim at this time.

"It doesn't matter, you can do whatever you want, you can continue to be here, or you can be good. As long as it is the life you like, I respect you."

Nanyang raised his hand and rubbed A Huan's long hair, like a pair of ordinary lovers.

A Huan slept very comfortably this night. Because she heard the word respect from Nanyang's mouth. For the first time in so many years, she heard someone talk to her about respect. This gave her the illusion that she could also stand in the sun like a normal person.

When she woke up the next day, Nanyang stood in front of the bedside table, took out her wallet and flipped.

But she usually doesn't look through her purse in the morning, because she always gave it in advance the night before.

"Why, want to give me some money for breakfast..." A Huan muttered softly.

Nanyang counted ten of them and placed them on top of the original fifteen. She said seriously: "This is the money added to last night."

A Huan was stunned, she tugged at the corner of her mouth with difficulty, "Added... money?"

Nanyang looked at her.

A Huan said every word: "Do you think... I sold it to you?"

She exhausted her life's courage to ask for a kiss, the cleanest kiss in her life, let her confirm that she loves her kiss, why should she give her money?

Why is it so cruel?

She just... just kissed her eyes, doesn't she think... a person like herself wants to get paid for touching her eyes? Why has to be this way? Why should her most precious and simple things be stained with the smell of trading?

A Huan's tears flowed down.

Nanyang frowned slightly.

She just wanted to give her a little more.

A Huan got up from the bed, picked up the handful of banknotes, and smashed Nan Yang's face. For a time, red tickets were floating everywhere, just as beautiful and moving as in the TV series.

"Get out! Take your money and get out!!!" A Huan's eyes were blood red, and there were two green veins faintly floating on his neck.

This was the first time that she hated others for giving her money so much. The money seemed to be a knife that would slaughter her. Cut one by one, cutting her blood and scum, leaving her skinless.

Every banknote was opening a mouthful of blood to her, mocking her wishful thinking wantonly.

Are you worthy to love someone?

Nan Yang didn't speak, his eyes were a little bit painful. She didn't pick up the money on the ground, just squeezed her fingers, as if she wanted to say something, but after all, she didn't say anything, and walked to the door alone.

When she walked to the door, A Huan cried and threw the pillow over and cursed: "You never come to me again! I think you are sick!"

Nanyang looked back at her, frowning slightly.

For a long time, she asked: "You really... don't want me to come to you again?"

A Huan scolded: "Get out! I didn't make a joke with you, get out now! Don't come to me in this life!"

"Why?" She was making her last struggle.

"I said, I think you are disgusting! You are noble, you ran to us and didn't do it, you sleep all day long, who are you disgusting? Your existence is the biggest mistake, you want to remind me every day, You are the highest **** beauty in the whole world. We are all maggots in the gutter, all worms that rot in the cesspool, you are a person, and you are a clean person, aren’t you?! People like you, I see You vomit once, get out! Get out of me now!!! Don't come to me again!!!"

She also scolded a lot, as if all the swear words she knew all her life had been searched out and scolded all over, every word seemed to be crying blood accusing the woman at the door of the evil deeds.

Nan Yang looked at her deeply for the last time.

Then she walked to the door without saying a word and opened it silently.

It turned out that her appearance in this Fengyue Field was a mistake.

If her disappearance is what she wants, then she will do it.

She is always satisfied with what she wants. What she doesn't want, she has always given up. Including herself.

.

If A Huan knew that Nanyang had never been here after she said this, she would definitely not say that.

Besides, she didn't really blame her at all. She could kiss Nanyang's eyes arrogantly once, and she should thank her. The only thing she resented was her unbearable self.

How much she hates herself, how badly she scolded that day. Every sentence she scolded was mocking herself.

She still remembers that one night, Nanyang put a half-read book on the bedside table to wash. She secretly picked up the book, and when she looked curiously, she caught a glare of text in the book unexpectedly—

"The boys who hardly knew her, the skewed handwriting, the childish vocabulary, the little animals on the letter paper, said she was a rose, a soup from staying up all night. Standing among the suitors’ courtiers, she couldn’t say anything. : Actually I am not good enough for you. I am rotten orange juice and thick soup, I am a rose and lily covered with insect eggs, I am a brightly lit city that clearly exists but no one can see and no one needs it The North Star."

Rotten orange juice and soup.

Roses and lilies covered with insect eggs.

In the brightly lit city, there is obviously the North Star, but no one can see or need it.

She endured for a long time that night before she let her tears fall on the pure white paper.

I am not good enough for you.

Yeah...I don't deserve it. How can I be worthy?

She hates herself as a mouse crawling in the ditch, hates herself for wanting to catch light that doesn't belong to her. She hopes to scold her and let her return to her clean world. But she couldn't help but want to keep her, she loved her, so she wanted to drag her into the quagmire, but still hoped that she could save her out.

Nanyang.

Besides you, who else can save me?

Sorry, Nanyang.

Nanyang, help me.

On Sunday, she stood tremblingly at the door, her blood flowing back. She glanced outside the door, glanced at the watch, she was trembling with fear. Sister Liu noticed that she was trembling, and asked her if she was sick.

"Sister Liu, do you think she will come?" A Huan reluctantly kept the smile on his face.

"How good is your old friend?" Sister Liu glanced at her watch, "That's definitely coming, won't she be here at eight o'clock this time of the week?"

There is someone who is stupid, rich and beautiful, will come to her every Wednesday and Sunday at 8 o'clock. This is something that even the new lady who arrived yesterday knows.

"Then I scolded her last time, I told her not to come again." A Huan said in a soft tone, like a baby.

"Hey, this woman, she has a small heart, she is not rougher than a man. If you say that to her, she might have a temper, it's normal."

"right."

A Huan's heart became heavier and heavier, and it was painful.

Time slowly reached eight o'clock, and at the exact moment at eight o'clock, she felt a string in her heart break. But she quickly tied them with her hands, stretched her neck and continued to look out. At eight ten ten, eight thirty, nine o'clock, the long figure did not appear at the door.

A Huan felt that she should call her and ask her to see if she was frustrated with herself. But when she took out her mobile phone, she remembered that they had never exchanged any contact information. The only bond between them was the stack of banknotes on the bedside table.

She became more and more scared, too scared. She only discovered that if Nanyang really didn't come to her, they would never see each other again. Why didn't she tell her, no cash, or WeChat transfer? But... after all, she is a nonchalant lady, and her WeChat account appears on Nanyang's list, and it will be like a tarsus maggot, which is disgusting.

Sister Liu noticed A Huan, she glanced at her face, and shouted at A Huan: "Hey, she won't be here, do you want to find another guest? There are two or three gentlemen over there who want to order you."

A Huan shook his head.

In fact, not only did she not pick up customers today, but since last Friday, she hasn't picked up customers for a whole week. If it wasn't for her to have Nanyang, a regular customer, the store would not allow her to stay away from customers for so long.

She just leaned at the door and stared at the street corner intently. Both Xiaoyan and Xiaofang said that she was crazy, and she didn't want to make money for a woman. Do they really think they can stand by herself? Stop laughing.

It was past twelve o'clock, there were fewer people on the street, and the roadside was covered with dim yellow night lights. The guests who wanted to patronize were also arranged upstairs, and there were only a few sisters who hadn't arrived on the first floor.

A Huan couldn't help it at last, she leaned on the door and started crying loudly. The woman was a stubborn brain. She bought pineapples for her if she wanted to eat pineapples, and brought red roses for her if she wanted red roses. She wants her to never come again now, she must take it seriously, she really will never come again.

What should she do? If only her world has been dirty. If she hadn't seen what it was like to be clean with her own eyes, she would not be as sad as she is now.

The only clean thing in her world.

Her light.

That's it.

.

Nanyang stood far away in the darkness of the street corner, looking at the woman squatting on the ground crying.

She didn't know why she was crying, let alone whether she was crying for herself. She didn't have the courage to step forward, she dared not hear those words again.

——Your existence is a mistake.

——I never want to see you again in my life.

She really didn't have the courage to look at that face and say these things to her.

How can my existence be a mistake?

I am someone who exists only for you.

.

This was the last time she saw A Huan in those decades.

After that, she just still lived in that city, breathing the air under the same sky as her, and never saw her in the tight alley. She longed to be with her, but she didn't want to disturb her. If you shouldn't reappear, then disappearing is the best result.

Her love for her is the most bottomless love in the world.

She loves her, no matter what she becomes, no matter whether she is on the bright and shining stage, or in the stinky ditch of dirty sex, no matter she is noble or inferior, elegant or vulgar, no matter her body and soul are rotten. She loves her no matter what she looks like. If she can't pull her out of the dust, then she will fall with her. If she doesn't even give her the qualification to fall, then she will leave.

When she needs light, she becomes light. When she felt glare, she passed her by.

This is all the tenderness she can give her.

.

Decades later, upon hearing the news of A Huan's death, Nan Yang sent a bouquet of hawthorn flowers on the day of her burial.

The photo on the tombstone is an old face. She has seen her look old many times. This time, she is still as kind and lovely as before.

She carefully touched her photo with her fingertips, and stared at the old eyes on the photo for a long time. In the end, she closed her eyes, leaned over, and pressed her eyes to the wrinkled lips in the photo.

Qinghuan.

Qing Huan, do you know?

The kiss you are willing to give is also my only light.

Through these years of being unable to get close to you, I have been blind both physically and mentally. Only when you kissed my eyes that night, I was allowed to lighten temporarily.

A group of strangers in the distance watched that the young woman not only gave flowers religiously, but also leaned on the photo of the dead for a long time, covering their mouths and talking in whispers——

"Is someone really coming to give her flowers? I thought this weird old woman had no friends..."

"That's not it? She lived alone in that street for decades, and she didn't see anyone else. If it wasn't for her brother to collect her body this time, I didn't know she had relatives."

"I heard that she was a lady when she was young, so she picked up work on that street. Later, I didn’t know what was going on, so she suddenly stopped doing it. It’s strange to say that girls who don’t do this kind of job want to leave that dirty place. Far away, so as not to delay them from finding an honest person to marry. But this woman has lived in that street since she was good, and rented a leaky basement for decades."

"I heard she was waiting for someone?"

"Then who knows to go? Anyway, I heard people say that she would stand at the street for an hour at 8 o'clock every night. But in the past few decades, no one has come to look for her.

"Later she waited to go crazy. It seems that since she was in her 30s and 40s, people have become crazy, always saying: I was wrong, I was wrong, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what wronged things I did before. Yo."

"A dirty woman like her who has been a lady, no matter how miserable she ends up, she deserves it!"

"Isn't it? Dirty!"

"She deserves to be unloved all her life, lonely forever!"

"Nobody cares for a lifetime, it's so pathetic..."

"Who cares about such a bad woman?"

"I heard she was pretty when she was young, why, don't you always want to marry a pretty?"

"Fart! You just want to marry her!"

"You **** dare to curse me, you just married her, your whole family will marry her!"

The wind swept their gossip wandering in the gloomy sky, crumpled to pieces, melted into the clouds, and turned into a heavy rain that evening, gentle and gentle by everyone and things exposed in this city.

.

After the funeral, Nanyang booked a plane to Australia.

No matter what, this life is over. Her regrets can only be pinned on the next life.

Mei Zhongli went to the airport to see her off.

When the ticket was checked, a pregnant woman was hurriedly negotiating with the staff because she lost the ticket. Her husband kept interjecting beside her, attracting the attention of many idlers. Nan Yang sat on the waiting seat, and looked over, and suddenly moved in his heart.

Look down to the pregnant woman's slightly raised belly.

Mei Zhongli brought the hot coffee and was about to hand it to Nanyang. He saw Nanyang in a trance, and asked, "Ancestor, what are you looking at?"

Nan Yang's lips moved slightly, and he murmured softly, "...The Ninety-ninth."

Mei Zhongli instantly understood the meaning of Nanyang.

The ticket was still missing, and the husband of the pregnant woman smiled favorably at the pregnant woman, peeled a piece of chocolate and stuffed it into the pregnant woman's mouth. Nan Yang looked at them, couldn't help but smile, and said to Mei Zhongli: "Help me take care of her. When she grows up, I will come back to marry her."

Mei Zhongli respectfully replied, "Yes, I must take good care of her."

Nan Yang didn't speak any more, just staring at the pregnant woman who was chewing chocolate slightly in a daze, with secret joy and hope for a resurgence in her eyes.

Mei Zhongli thought of the woman who had fallen into mud in the Land of Wind and Moon, remembered that the noble figure he had watched Nanyang step into the filthy tube building time and time again when he was a child, remembered that after they separated, Nanyang stayed there for decades. Looking at the back of the tube building alone every night that I can't sleep. The young man clenched his fists and muttered to himself in a low voice:

"Don't worry, I will give you the perfect wife."

I will definitely give you the purest woman, a woman who belongs to you only in body and soul, and a woman who can live uprightly in the worship of thousands of people.

She must have only you in her eyes.

She cannot have any chance to like others.

She must marry you as a virgin.

She can no longer cower in a dirty and gloomy corner.

She must... be a brilliant star.

Mei Zhongli gritted his teeth tightly, and looked at the pregnant woman with unprecedented firmness.

Nanyang is already doing his best to respect Qinghuan. For three thousand years, she has appeared by her side in the most "dispensable" state. She also didn't want to cause any shackles to her, she hoped that she could live freely and happily than anyone in the world. Even if she is not in her happiness, she is satisfied for her.

But sometimes, the ending is written right from the beginning of the destiny, and it is inevitable and inevitable to escape.

How could she foresee it?

expected that--

She thinks she is the beginning of letting go, that is, the beginning of a lifetime for the one she loves to be restrained.