Dragon Life

Nothing ventured, nothing gained [1]

My voice unintentionally rang through the whole hall, and everyone tried to look for the source of the third voice that was suddenly heard. Even Lu-san who was near me, looked at me with an expression which read ‘I have no idea what you are thinking’

…I won’t be able to talk from here. I gather up courage and take a step forward. I began walking, and did not stop. I evaded the suspicious gazes rising from my surroundings as I leisurely made my way to Touka’s side. Before I realised it, there was a path made by people before me. That space connected me to Touka and Honoka-nii, where a small circle was formed. Once I was diagonally in front of Touka, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

Looking at it objectively, I just seemed like an unrelated young noble boy who had come just to participate in the ball. 

But reality is different.

I briefly looked over Touka to check on him, meeting his eyes in the process. “Who are you?” they seemed to ask, but in response, I immediately turned my gaze back to my older brother.

Truthfully, I don’t want to act so conspicuously. I could have met Touka and Honoka-nii afterwards to talk. But the more I think about it, the me right now does not have the luxury for that.

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“The situation changed. Just what the hell are you thinking?”

I questioned as I scowled at my older brother who stood on the stage. I could see the band behind him gulping with their instruments in hand, as if they were watching some kind of farce, how ridiculous.

But I can’t laugh.

“…That voice, are you Itoka?”

My brother spoke as if surprised.

“Huh?”

“Itoka-san?”

“Eh? Ito-chan?”

The ones to react to the name Itoka were Touka’s group. It can’t be helped that they were doubtful. Currently, I have my back to them, I only met their eyes for a moment, and I’m in a different outfit. It can’t be helped that they are only able to recognise me through my voice.

“I didn’t think you would come too. You hated it so much, did your feelings change?”

My brother laughed as he stroked Hana’s head.

But it’s not funny at all to me.

“I didn’t come because I wanted to. I’ve got my own circumstances. But since I have already come, I figured I’d go bring Touka and the rest home. Onii-chan, that’s what you’re doing too, right? That’s what you said right? Even though you said you’d bring them home, what do you mean, I’m going to save the world with you?”

“Exactly as it sounds. I was surprised that you came too— but Itoka, you should withdraw”

Withdraw? What do you mean withdraw?

I have no idea what you’re thinking. But you had a slightly sad expression.

I didn’t get the answer I wanted, and Honoka-nii just looked down at me from on the stage. Hana, who was beside, cried out in a gentle voice, but I had no idea what she was saying.

My older brother stroked Hana’s nose, telling her not to worry. Somehow, they 2 of them seemed to be speaking.

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In any case, the conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Honoka-nii, he has a habit of autonomously handling conversations. That’s why it’s hard to get a mutual understanding, and as such we often butted heads and fought.

This was one of those common patterns.

In such situations, I’d usually be the first one to give up and end the talk, but I cannot afford to do that this time.

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“Why. Withdraw, you say, do you mean to give up on bringing Touka and the rest back?”

That’s right, my older brother nodded.

“You are, confused by this world”

“If you think about it realistically, it’d be weirder to not be confused”

“And just what do you mean by, realistically? By who’s standards did you decide that? You, are too caught up with your own thoughts. Same for how you don’t believe in magic. There’s no way you’d be able to bring Touka and the rest home with such a half-hearted determination”

The heck, is that.

“In the first place, Onii-chan was supposed to bring them back”

“Ah, that’s right. I’ll bring that home eventually. But, now is not the time for that. The deadline was just extended a little”

Why, I asked, and my brother laughed.

It was a smile, tinged with sorrow.

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“I used to be like ‘that’ too. And you were like ‘that’, too”

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So, Touka and the rest should be like ‘that’, too? That’s, just too much.

“…Touka and the rest, they don’t have to do such a thing. It would be fine, for them not to carry such a heavy burden!”

My tightly clenched fists were shaking.

“I’m not like brother, I can’t so easily be optimistic”

“It’s tough to be optimistic. I am just acting according to my thoughts. But, both my regret and joy in the results, that I got you guys involved, all of it, I’ll accept them. I’m not like you who is always denying everything”

Gatsun, it was a shock, as if being hit in the head.

Certainly, it’s true. My brother who accepted it all, and I who denies it all, are complete opposites.

But that’s, because Honoka-nii who lived as a human, and I who lived as a dragon are completely different. It may sound like an excuse. But, whatever the excuse, it’s a fact that I did not accept anything. It is also true, that I didn’t resolve myself.

Optimism, huh. Right. Looking at it from the side, it just looks childish and immature, but Honoka-nii lived according to his own will. Maybe I’m wrong in saying that it’s easily said and done, since I couldn’t do it. There’s nothing, that’s easy to do in this world. All of it, they’re all complex and intricate, as if they are made up of a bunch of firmly tangled threads. 

“I too have an attachment to this world. If they are facing a crisis, I want to be of help. If it’s Itoka, you understand my feelings, don’t you?”

There’s no way I don’t. But, even then, as expected, I. 

“You also, for this country, you put your life at ri—gufu”

It sounded as if he was about to say something unnecessary, so I quickly grabbed the small vase on the nearby table and threw it at him. It made a clean hit to my older brother’s face before falling to the floor.”

“Ugh, ah!! Pain! It hurts!”

He held his face as he was flailing in agony. Hana, far from helping him, seemed to be happily laughing through her nose, which felt rather refreshing.

“As always, you aren’t going easy on me…”

As if tired of this, Touka, who was impressed by this, spoke.

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“How strange. Why”

My mouth dried up, and my tongue wouldn’t easily move. Swallowing my words once, I open my mouth again.

“Why, does this world have to throw us around so much? All I wanted was to live peacefully with my family and friends, am I not even allowed to do that? Because you’re a hero, a brave, a sacred beast, a chose one, out of duty, your mission or whatever, such cheap words obviously filled with justice can’t convince me. I don’t want to listen to such words lumped together, I said”

Even if the reason I lived in this world as a dragon, was because of Honoka-nii.

I lived properly. I worried, thought about it, and sometimes hated it so much that I wanted to run away, but it’s a fact that the traces of proof that I lived still exist in this world. And seeing that, I, who was slightly relieved, was there. 

“…Itoka, I understand what your feeling, but”

I too, I understand your feelings all too painfully.

In this world, I can’t say I have no attachments to the humans here. Rather, there is. There’s so many it’s worrying. 

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――― Ah, I see. I cannot acknowledge my own feelings.

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“I am, not the ‘old me’ anymore, Onii-chan”

Just as my brother had arrived in this world and saved it, I too have experienced many things. A life so full, you won’t be able to hear it all in just one night.

I turn back and look at Touka’s group.

Just as I am no longer the old me, Touka’s group are also different from the past. That was something I confirmed from their atmosphere when we first reunited. Putting it nicely, it’s growth. Putting it badly, it’s the Urashima Taro phenomenon.

The younger brother before me, is a young man who experienced things I don’t know.

It’s not possible that we are always together just because we’re siblings. It seems as if I was shown this fact, making me feel slightly lonely.

“Touka, do you really, from the bottom of your heart, want to save this world?”

“…yes”

There was a bit of a lag, but his tone was clear and determined.

“Naoki and Yuu too?”

They calmly nodded at my question. Their eyes showed the same will as Touka’s. Living in this world, just what made Touka and the others mature this much is something I don’t know, but, it cannot be helped if they’ve become like so.

With a large sigh, I smile bitterly.

“Every last one of them, I wonder how you managed to summon such kids with main character dispositions”

If it was a person like me, I would have run away early, thinking that it’s too much to ask me to save the world. Maybe it’s more accurate to say that they chose to summon people that carry favour for the world. Which means, this all started from Honoka-nii–?

“Won’t that include me too!”

Fumu, in a bad way.

“As one with a perverted disposition”

“Gu, Guh! Even that’s fine!”

Changing from his serious mood, seeing my usually older brother somehow helped me to relax. Enough to make my feel stupid for thinking too deeply. What’s up with that quick change switch, I really want to ask. But, it made things a little easier.

I’m probably just overthinking things, as my brother had said. Somewhere in my heart, I’ve already realised it. Because I didn’t want to acknowledge my own feelings, I involve those around me. Thinking that if I brought Touka and the rest home, I’d be able to deny this world. That’s I’d be able to make it so that the dragon ‘me’ never existed. But that is exactly, an arrogant human forcing her feelings onto others.

It’s offensive that I had to be told that by Honoka-nii, but it’s useless to just keep running away— from her, memories.

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That was, the source of it all.

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“Neechan, I”

“Un, I understand. Sorry, I said too much. I got a little too emotional. I’m a failure as an older sister”

Once again, I’m sorry, I apologised. …wait, there, isn’t the crowd stirring? …Right, I was currently cross-dressing as a man!

But, well, it’s past the time to care.

From our earlier exchange, I can’t just come forth and excuse myself as just an unrelated young man accompanying the heroes’ party and the purple Earth Dragon.

Then, I have no choice but to reveal myself. 

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I put my hands on my head, and remove the blonde wig. The stuffiness was gone, and I felt refreshed.

Slowly flitting down, was my familiar black bangs.

In the surroundings, noises similar to gasps or small screams arose. Those were not out of fear, but from curiosity. I heard something similar to high-pitched scream as well.

What’s wrong with black hair? What’s wrong with black eyes? Colour has nothing to do with it, plus if it’s just black, Naoki is the same. After all this time, it’s not that strange for the number of black-featured to increase, right?

I laughed.

It was so, so funny that I couldn’t help it.

“The ‘me’ right now is just a human being. Plus, I’m a weak, modern, bean sprout woman. I’m very much aware, how powerless I am. It’s not like I have Hana like Onii-chan, neither am I strong like Touka’s group. But you see, my feelings for Touka’s group are so strong they would never falter before such an enormous and powerful strength. That’s why I don’t want to see you guys hurt, nor see you doing dangerous things. Even if this just me thinking too much”

Yes, these are my real feelings.

“Touka”

“Wha, what…?”

When I deepen my smile, Touka felt dubious and watched while on his guard.

“I am aware that, I’m not the heroine type, which would just wait for you to save the world while worrying. Something like that, I gave it up ages ago. If I refuse to bend my beliefs on something, I’ll put my body, and my life at risk, and even hurl myself at whatever it is to protect it. Because, that’s what ‘I’ am”

“…huh?”

He had a baffled expression.

Yeah, you don’t have to know right now.

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“Touka, you see, Itoka was actually a dra— gufu”

This. damn. brother!

This time, I tried throwing a spoon. It brilliantly hit his forehead, how refreshing. Hana likely couldn’t hold it in anymore and burst out.

“Don’t say anything unnecessary”

Let’s get back on track, I faced Touka again.

“…Umm, so in short. I understand Touka’s will, and as your older sister, I want to support my younger brother. But there are also things I cannot give up. Whatever happens, I will definitely bring Touka, Naoki and Yuu back home”

This want, unlike my wish to live in peace earlier, isn’t something as selfish. It’s because Touka’s group is precious. I don’t want them to be faced with any danger.

However.

“…but, I can’t force you guys. How troubling”

Touka’s and the other’s feelings which I confirmed earlier, were true. It’d be difficult to forcefully bring them home. I can’t deal with it with ordinary means. No matter how much I say I will bring them home, even if I could win in a conversation, I’d definitely lose in strength.

“That’s why, give me some time. I’ll go cool my head”

I can’t do this while I’m being emotional and without straightening out my thoughts. 

“The next time we meet, I’ll proudly say it to you”

Let’s go home, that is.

Saying so, I take a step with heavy feet, and another step, walking away. The exit to the hall was behind Touka and the rest. I walked aiming for that, but as we passed each other, my shoulder was grabbed and my upper body was twisted back. This is somewhat painful. Especially for my waist.

“Neechan. Where are you going”

It’s a secret that my heart doki-ed [2] at my younger brother’s dignified face that appeared near me.

“To cool off my head”

“I meant, exactly where!”

“…outside?”

“Why are you asking me. If you are just going to cool your head, you don’t need to go outside. Didn’t I say so before. It’s dangerous outside, so don’t go”

“No, that’s no good. Anyways, I’m going to leave this castle. I want to leave right now. Like, immediately leave”

“Just why?”

“Well that, … my younger brother, Onee-chan has one or two things that she doesn’t want to say”

For example, things like, that I want to escape from the surrounding gazes. If you look around calmly, you’d make eye contact with everyone. I was the one that made this situation but, it’s still uncomfortable to be looked at with such curious eyes.

“What’s up with that. In the first place, there’s so much I don’t understand. Like about what you said the last time, there’s so much I want to ask!”

There’s no way I can let you go! He put more strength in the hand holding on to my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I can’t say it, for now”

“…what, what happened. It’s like you aren’t my sister. Just what the hell happened? In times like this, “It’s a pain so do as you please” you’d say while just staying on the sidelines is more like my sister, right? You’d stay still in the castle like air until I finish my mission, wouldn’t you? Niichan too, you aren’t like Niichan anymore… just what, happened to the 2 of you!”

I’d stay still as if I was air, true enough, that’s exactly what I would have done in the past.

“I won’t be able to understand if you don’t explain…!”

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….I see. Touka is the same as me.

I would think it’s weird too, if my lazy-bones older sister and ever-childish older brother suddenly became hostile and were seriously quarrelling. I have to explain it, but I don’t know either. I am also, confused. The one who suddenly changed, was not just our older brother, but, me, and Touka too. What a set of siblings we are. At this rate, we’ll just keep missing each other. 

But right now, my feelings don’t have the leisure to resolve our misunderstandings or come to an agreement. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll definitely return. So please give me some time”

Touka’s eyes were full of anxiety. He’s probably thinking that he can’t just let me go like this.

I gently shook off his hand, and turned my back.

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With every step I took, people opened up a path.

Until I reached the exit, I had only turned back once. Standing far away, I noticed Touka mouthing “Neechan”, as he stood there blankly.

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For me, time was necessary.

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*Short story＊

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Black, black, black, black.

Recently, this world has been crowding with this colour. Just a few years ago, it was an extremely hated and repugnant thing.

It’s my, and also her colour.

Black, black, black, black.

No matter what black I see, it doesn’t move my heart. I don’t think of anything. I don’t feel anything.

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―― But then.

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That colour which appeared from underneath the platinum blonde, made all the blood in my body clamour as if dancing.

It’s the same colour as Naoki, the same thing, but somehow, my throbbing heart doesn’t subside.

At first, I thought it was a young boy. A petite, delicate, young face, Chiffon’s partner. 

The reason I thought her eyes were weird, was because she had Madeleine’s magic device equipped. Maybe those eyes are the same colour as that hair, and thinking so, I felt my spirits lifting.

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So that, was Touka’s older sister.

For a young girl, her words and mannerisms are very manly. Just like… yes, just like.

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…Just why are you so curious.

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Along with the feeling of something that was stuck in my chest falling out, my feet, naturally chased after her back.