Doomsday Wonderland

Although not my intention, my choice of the original target—the ants—prompted my adoptive father to perpetuate his fantasy for quite some time.

"I think your judgment is a bit arbitrary," he said to his adoptive mother after observing me carefully for a few days: "Children's brains and moral sense are not fully developed, and they often show cruelty to small creatures such as insects. Even sticking to the ant itself may be a manifestation of Dao Yi's desire to explore... I was also a little impulsive that day, and I didn't control my emotions well. I should have asked him why he did that."

Did I say that? My adoptive father was not a bad person.

He's just an ordinary guy.

It’s like someone who just bought an ideal luxury house, you tell him that the water pipes are old and need to be replaced, it’s not a big problem; but if you tell him that the foundation of the house is soaked in toxic waste water, then his first reaction is still impossible—— Maybe just replace the plumbing.

Although I am young and ignorant of many things, I also feel a crisis. I didn't want to go back to the orphanage, so I apologized to my adoptive father and admitted my mistake; it's a pity that I couldn't cry, otherwise it would be more convincing.

In a child's impression, the world unfolding inch by inch is full of novel and unfamiliar details, making every day seem very long, and as for a year, it is more like a lifetime. So I don't know exactly how long it has been since the ant incident; I just remember that it was a very long and uncomfortable period of time, as if there was an itchy spot on my body, but I couldn't reach out to scratch it.

I don't know now, how I endured it back then. Obviously, as long as I open my mouth, I have countless opportunities: whether it is classmates, teachers, or strangers who see me walking on the street, they seem to be willing to meet my many requirements-I knew at that time which qualities are most able to resemble light. The same dazzles the eye.

Even my adoptive father, after a few weeks, couldn't help but compliment me: "You have great taste in clothes, did someone teach you that?"

One time I climbed up the fence to retrieve my **** from a neighbor's yard when I noticed a miniature log cabin hanging on their side of the fence. I don't know who - possibly the neighbor himself - told me it was a bird feeding device; I observed it for a few days and saw several different birds pecking at it.

"Where are they going?"

A few days later, when I was going to school, I saw my neighbor's car and bags of luggage, and I stopped.

"Go on a trip," my adoptive mother adjusted the shoulder straps of my backpack, "Bahamas, have you heard of it?"

Even she didn't know that my next question had nothing to do with the neighbors, or the Bahamas.

Don't worry, I'm not going to describe to you the horrors of bird mutilation. I don't inflict physical torture unless it's part of a larger picture; pleasure on such a simple, basic level always feels too primitive and low-level to me.

What's more, none of the birds died, they just hit the glass and fell to the ground, struggling for a while before flying away.

I've been planning this for a long time, and you only have to think about where a six-year-old is going to find glass panels to ship to neighbors to see how much work it took.

However, something happened that I didn't expect.

When I was looking at the bird with fluttering wings on the ground, the satisfaction I expected came as expected—the satisfaction was not abrupt, just like when you reach out and flip the globe, watching the planet rotate with your pointing Like a stop, indescribable, yet subtle, growing like a balloon. What surprised me was that after only a few minutes, the comfortable and fascinated mood slowly disappeared completely.

what happened?

Neither of my adoptive parents found out what was going on on the other side of the yard fence, and I managed to knock several birds to the ground, why didn't I feel the same way as I did last time? Is it because they are not injured or dead?

I was only six years old at the time, but I also felt an aesthetic displeasure with the crude, rough, and direct "death and injury".

The answer was given to me by my adoptive father.

“…your anxiety stems from your constant focus on the future. Of course the future is full of countless ways things could go wrong, so you can’t help being anxious; you can try to focus on the present Every moment on…”

Through the wooden door, his voice was not particularly clear, but I was familiar with his speech habits, so I could hear the content. The healer who came to consult expressed a doubt very vaguely.

"Just like cats and dogs, their greatest concentration is only at this moment." The adoptive father explained, "The meditation practice I hope you can do is also a way to regain your attention..."

I didn't listen to the rest; I was walking to the kitchen. It wasn't until I poured myself a glass of milk, sat down, and opened my schoolbag that a sudden realization hit my mind like lightning.

Animals don't think twice!

They don't worry about the future, they don't plan their way, and they don't regret what they do; when they hit the glass, they hit it, and if it hurts at this moment, then it hurts at this moment. They don't regret, blame themselves for being careless, scold themselves for being gluttonous, and they don't move their wings, fearing possible sequelae.

Now that I think about it, when I cling to ants, what really fascinates me is that they are only one step away from the wonderful food and the source of life; but they lose their lives for this illusion, and they will never touch it. Food can never be brought back to the compatriots. We can only look at the snow-white and sweet mountains in front of us, gradually struggling and sinking into death.

It's just that I didn't realize at that time that ant is a very simple animal.

What my adoptive mother said was right. Acquired education and environmental influences are really too important. The consciousness that I hadn’t developed in the orphanage for five or six years, was unconsciously reflected on me in the first year of my adoptive parents’ home.

Animals that live only in the present moment, that focus only on the present moment, cannot provide me with any emotional satisfaction even if caught in my most ingenious traps. Animals are too pure, what I need is an object with intelligence and complex thinking.

Of course, I couldn't think clearly and systematically at that time. However, I still intuitively perceive what I need.

There are many children around me.

I just have to look carefully for an opportunity...even though I don't know what I'm looking for.

At that time, my adoptive mother was always by my side, never letting go of any opportunity to educate me and correct me. She has always been calm and gentle, and no matter how many nice and correct things I say, she just asks, "Is this your truth?"

After I nodded in affirmation, the adoptive mother would give a soft "um" and stand up straight again, her eyes slowly stroking my face.

Once, she brought home a can of some kind of beans in the dish. The adoptive mother looked very different that day, her smile deepened, she stroked my hair, and said: "When I was young, my mother often made this for me to eat, because it is very nutritious. When I think of it, I think of it when I was young. My home, my mother at that time... I haven’t eaten for a long time, and I came here by chance today, and I want to make it for you, okay?”

I ate dinner that day and my back was sweating. The adoptive mother was very excited, and even poured herself a glass of red wine; she leaned over and asked me, "Daoyi, do you like it?"

"Well, it's really delicious." I stuffed my mouth full of that kind of beans, hoping to force a smile. "Is mom happy?"

"Then, I'll make it for you often in the future." The foster mother put down her wine glass, folded her hands, and looked at me calmly. Her next words were caught off guard like a slap in the face. "You tell a lie, and the lie has consequences."

Eh, I said too far.

All in all, it is not easy to find opportunities under the eyes of such a mother, but I still found it.

Don't worry, no one died.

I also forgot exactly how I found out; the parents of a classmate named Akihara seemed to be on the verge of a divorce. My plan, now that I think about it, is so childish and vulgar that I am a little embarrassed to tell you. I won’t go into details, anyway, for a while later, I often went to Akihara’s house to play—I don’t think he liked me, but he couldn’t refuse the vanity of “Gongdaoyi wants to come and play with me”.

Not long after, his father rushed out after repeated quarrels and beatings, and never went back. As for whether my childish hands and feet have played a role, or whether the relationship between the two has already reached that point, it is a question that I will never know the answer to.

I went to Qiuyuan's house again. On this day, my adoptive mother sent me off.

"Mother,"

Before entering the door, I mustered up my courage and ventured to say to my adoptive mother: "Qiuyuan's father hasn't come back yet? They had a big fight last time...I was here at the time and heard everything."

The adoptive mother said something like "the correct way to communicate" and "it's not right to argue in front of you".

I stood at the door of Qiu Yuan’s house, with my back to the wall of his yard, and said: “Before he went out, he took a look at me and said that if there was a son like me, he would at least have a reason to stay. And What started with Qiu Yuan, everything at home disappointed him... Should I tell Qiu Yuan?"

The adoptive mother's brows were frowned at first, and of course she didn't approve of any parents saying such things. At the end, she loosened her eyebrows, squatted down, looked at me with a hint of joy, and whispered: "That's right. Since he is your friend, you have the responsibility to protect his feelings... What do you know?" It was the right thing to do, and I'm happy."

I thought I had succeeded; naive and inexperienced, I thought for a brief moment that I had tricked my adoptive mother and achieved my goal. As a result, before the adoptive mother walked back to the car, Qiu Yuan was sobbing and crying from behind the fence.

It's too early to cry, I obviously still have the next step - I don't know why I still remember the thought of the past very clearly.

The adoptive mother's back was frozen at the end of the driveway, and she turned around abruptly.

That was the first time I saw her so angry.

Her cheeks were reddened by the anger, she strode close to me, and quickly glanced behind the wall, as if she understood everything.

Before that, she had been teaching me not to injure or take life casually, and this turning point was something she probably never thought of.

My adoptive mother grabbed my wrist very tightly, any tighter would hurt me, but she never did. There was a steely self-control that prevented her from raising her voice much even at such moments.

"Dao Yi," she still maintained her calm, her voice a little louder. "I know you envy classmate Qiuyuan, envy him for his kindness, enthusiasm, and popularity. You may have misunderstood. His father told me that he saw you envying his son so much, so I hope to give you some praise and let you Happy. That’s not what his father said, right? "

How could I envy him—

As a young child, I was about to cry out as if I had been insulted; but my adoptive mother took the first step and stopped me in a low voice.

"When you hurt, you have to make amends. No one deserves to be your target, do you understand? In this world, there is a set of rules that no one can break. You must learn to distinguish right from wrong, and know which You can do what you can and what you can't do, so that you can live smoothly in this world... I want you to have a peaceful and happy life. Would you like to let your mother help you?"

She didn't seem to realize she used the word "mom".

I looked at her, not knowing what to say. At that time, I was speechless when I was young, but now at this age, I who have experienced the end of the world, if I go through that scene again, I will still be speechless—but I will take a closer look at her Once again, listen to her and help her hold the shopping bags.

"When we go back, let's go find the ant nest together and give them something to eat, okay?" The adoptive mother pressed me tightly into her arms. I couldn't tell her expression and tone, whether it was anger or something else. What. "Daoyi, you can learn it, you can..."

I forgot if I ended up at Akihara's.

After I went back that day, I sprinkled a lot of rice in the neighbor's yard through the wall.