Deep Desire

Before going home, they first went to the supermarket to buy some fresh ingredients. They planned to cook dinner at home by themselves.

Feng Si also picked a bunch of scented candles, with more than a dozen different fragrances.

Lately, he had been interested in them, especially since he bought one from abroad and gave it to Lu Jingshen. Lu Jingshen only used it once, but a few days ago, he accidentally found it again. While its sleep-enhancing effect was somewhat lacking, it added a touch of novelty and taste during lovemaking.

Lu Jingshen looked at the things Feng Si threw into the shopping cart, and his gaze flickered for a moment. He averted his eyes calmly, pretending not to care.

Originally, he wanted to remind Feng Si not to buy too many, but he decided against it. If they used them every night, they probably wouldn’t last too long anyway.

On the way back, Lu Jingshen, as usual, bought flowers for Feng Si.

The previous day, he picked one up randomly at the wedding venue, but today he bought a carefully packaged one.

It was almost 6 o’clock when they arrived home. Lu Jingshen put away the things they bought, and Feng Si put the flower in the vase and casually flipped through the mail on the dining table.

Most of the letters were not important, and Feng Si couldn’t be bothered to open them. Until he reached the last letter, his eyes suddenly froze.

The envelope bore the logo of the sender, which he recognized as an international rescue organization in East Africa.

Back when he and Lu Jingshen were wandering in Africa, they passed by one of their bases. Their car had run out of fuel, so they stopped to refill. There, they saw a group of malnourished children, and they felt compassion. Together, they donated money to the organization.

Feng Si recalled that he had indeed left his contact information with them, including his address in London.

In the second year after returning home, the organization had sent him a thank-you letter. Unexpectedly, after seven or eight years, they sent another letter.

Feng Si casually opened the envelope, and along with the letter, there was also a photo.

He picked up the photo and turned it to the front, focusing his gaze.

On top of a hill at dusk, he and Lu Jingshen stood facing each other, about half a meter apart, their gazes meeting. He was smiling, and Lu Jingshen’s eyes were calm and peaceful, with only him in their sight.

Their figures were elongated by the evening sun.

It was a photo of him and Lu Jingshen from years ago.

Feng Si stared at the photo absentmindedly, listening to the sound of his own heartbeat, beating forcefully and ardently, repeatedly impacting his chest.

“What are you looking at?” Lu Jingshen curiously came over to ask.

Feng Si snapped out of his trance, smiled at him, and handed him the photo. Lu Jingshen’s gaze also froze when he saw it.

Feng Si quickly read the contents of the letter. The photo was a candid shot taken by their staff. They found it while sorting through photo albums and decided to send it to him. The letter also asked him to convey thanks to Lu Jingshen for his support and assistance over the years.

Feng Si was somewhat surprised. Seeing that Lu Jingshen kept staring at the photo, seemingly frozen in place, he reached out and lightly patted his shoulder, saying, “Alex, come back to your senses.”

Lu Jingshen raised his head, his gaze flickering, “I didn’t expect to receive this photo.”

Feng Si chuckled, “Yeah, it’s a pleasant surprise.”

He had always regretted not taking even a single photo with Lu Jingshen back then. If they missed the opportunity when they were in their early twenties, it would be a total regret, and saying that he didn’t feel any regret would be a lie.

Unexpectedly, after all these years, such a surprise would come to them.

Once his good luck arrived, it seemed to continue indefinitely.

He handed the letter to Lu Jingshen to read, and asked him, “Have you been donating to them over the years?”

Lu Jingshen nodded gently, “Every year, I send a fixed amount of money to their donation account.”

The signature he left was also under the name of Alex.

Feng Si said, “You never left them a contact, right?”

Lu Jingshen pursed his lips lightly, “No.”

Feng Si had already guessed that. During those three months, Lu Jingshen was truly cautious and didn’t leave any clues.

He sighed and said, “If I had gone to ask them, even if they didn’t have your contact information, they could have traced where the money was coming from. Then I wouldn’t have had to run around like a headless fly to find you.”

Lu Jingshen didn’t know how to respond and fell silent for a moment. Then he moved closer, tugged at Feng Si’s open jacket, and muttered softly, “I’m sorry, I won’t leave you again in the future.”

Feng Si leaned against the table, placed his hand on Lu Jingshen’s waist to pull him closer, and turned his head to lightly touch his lips, magnanimously saying, “okay.”

Afterward, they cooked dinner together, preparing simple Western dishes using their own cooking methods.

As the night fell, they didn’t turn on the lights in the house. Instead, Feng Si lit a scented candle that they had bought and placed it on the dining table.

The flickering candlelight exuded a gentle and intoxicating fragrance.

While waiting for the oven to work, Feng Si casually opened the old record player that had broken and been fixed several times. He put on a vinyl record and slowly turned the handle, filling the quiet space with soft and soothing music.

Lu Jingshen opened a bottle of red wine and poured a glass for both of them. For Lu Jingqing’s wedding, he had arranged for a large batch of fine wines to be airlifted from his French winery and specifically kept a few bottles for this occasion.

Feng Si walked over and watched Lu Jingshen pouring the wine, giving him a gentle smile.

“Sometimes, I wonder,” sitting at the table, Feng Si raised his glass and lightly touched it with Lu Jingshen’s, “what it would be like if we had been together all these seven years.”

Lu Jingshen was taken aback, and as he brought the wine glass to his lips, the liquid moistened his slightly dry lips. After taking a sip, he continued, “Regrets do exist, even if we have many more seven years to come, it’s still a pity that we missed the years from our early twenties.”

Lu Jingshen said, “…I’m sorry.”

In truth, he was the one who regretted and lamented the most, but what’s lost could never be regained.

“You don’t need to apologize again,” Feng Si put down his wine glass and shook his head slightly, “I’m not blaming you.”

“I’m just a bit regretful, but looking at it from another perspective, if we were still together, maybe we would have been tired of each other by now, we were so young and inexperienced too.”

As Feng Si continued to laugh, Lu Jingshen didn’t feel good hearing this, and subconsciously said, “I wouldn’t.”

Feng Si chuckled more cheerfully, “Really? You’re that confident in us?”

Lu Jingshen didn’t like this topic, “of course.”

“Alright, I probably wouldn’t either,” Feng Si stopped smiling, focused on his food, and casually made a heartfelt confession, “As long as you still want me, I will never tire of you.”

At that moment, Lu Jingshen felt a sudden pang of pain and bitterness in his heart. As if making a promise, he solemnly said, “I always will.”

Feng Si picked up a piece of grilled beef and held it near Lu Jingshen’s mouth, “Open up.”

Still immersed in his emotions from earlier, Lu Jingshen momentarily forgot to respond.

Feng Si’s eyes twinkled with amusement, “What are you thinking? Just try it, this beef is pretty tasty, well-marinated.”

Lu Jingshen looked at him, feeling a bit relieved, and took the bite offered to him.

“Don’t overthink it,” Feng Si withdrew his hand and continued dealing with the food on his plate, speaking calmly, “Let’s just go with the flow. We both have confidence in what we have, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Lu Jingshen took a sip of his wine and gradually relaxed, “I know.”

After dinner, Feng Si lit candles in various corners of the house. The flickering flames spread a tender glow in his affectionate eyes. He reached out to Lu Jingshen, “Shall we dance?”

He wanted to make up for the dance they missed yesterday.

Lu Jingshen looked at him and extended his hand.

The record player continued its soft hum, and they embraced each other as they danced.

“Do you remember I bought a poetry collection that time?”  Feng Si whispered to Lu Jingshen.

Lu Jingshen replied with a soft “Mm.” He remembered that during their trip to a flea market in France, Feng Si had not only picked up the record player but also a poetry collection published in the last century. Lu Jingshen thought it was just an impulsive buy and that Feng Si wasn’t really interested in poetry.

Feng Si chuckled softly, “I’ve finished reading the poetry collection. Can I recite one for you?”

Lu Jingshen agreed, “Sure.”

Feng Si’s breath came closer, and he murmured softly into Lu Jingshen’s ear.

“What can I hold you with?

I offer you lean streets, desperate sunsets, the moon of the jagged suburbs.

I offer you the bitterness of a man who has looked long and long at the lonely moon.”

Lu Jingshen’s heart trembled, and Feng Si turned his head, kissing the small mole on his earlobe.

It felt like a gentle embrace and soothing touch.

They continued to spin and dance to the melody.

“I offer you whatever insight my books may hold, whatever manliness or humor in my life.”

“I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow—the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams, and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities.”

Feng Si’s voice fell into Lu Jingshen’s ears, a voice he had long been familiar with and that could touch his soul.

“I offer you the memory of a yellow rose seen at sunset, years before you were born.

I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself.”

Lu Jingshen’s heart fluttered as Feng Si’s voice wrapped around him like a warm embrace.

They continued to dance to the music.

“I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart; I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat.”

Lu Jingshen understood. Feng Si was reciting a poem, and it resonated with the voice in his heart.

In the flickering candlelight, he saw the focus and devotion in Feng Si’s eyes, directed solely at him.

“I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never been loyal.”

As the last word of the poem fell, Lu Jingshen noticed something slipping from the hand he held with Feng Si, settling on his ring finger.

Lowering his gaze, he saw a silver plain ring shimmering in the firelight.

That was what Feng Si intended to give him – this poem and the ring.

A fleeting surprise flashed in Lu Jingshen’s eyes.

Feng Si’s palm pressed against his, and the warm touch brought him back to his senses.

He noticed that Feng Si had also put on a similar ring on his ring finger, just like the one he gave to him.

“Let’s get married.”

Feng Si said.

Lu Jingshen asked, “Are you proposing to me?”

“Yes, I am proposing to you,” Feng Si’s gaze was firm and sincere, “Will you marry me?”

Lu Jingshen looked at him steadily, his heart surging.

Feng Si was frivolous and free-spirited, hiding behind these facades to deceive everyone around him.

But it was also this man, Feng Si who pursued him with dedication, perseverance, and an unwillingness to give up, pulling him back from the abyss.

He loved him so much, from the past to the future.

A smile gradually spread in his eyes, and Lu Jingshen finally nodded.

“Yes , I will marry you.”