Deep Desire

Before the plane took off, Lu Jingshen sent a message to Fengsi.

“I’m on a flight back to China, in two months at the most. I’ll come back to London to see you again. If you’re no longer here by then, please tell me where you’ve gone? I’ll come to find you.”

After sending the message, he kept staring at the phone screen until the plane took off from the end of the runway, and there was still no reply from the other side.

Fengsi had a cigarette in his mouth, casually dismissing the pop-up dropdown box, and narrowed his eyes as he slowly rubbed the screen, looking at the photo of Lu Jingshen’s face.

It was a photo he took of Lu Jingshen feeding a pigeon next to a roadside café in France.

With just a few bread crumbs, one could easily lure cunning pigeons, but it wasn’t as easy to lure the person who wanted to feed them.

Lu Jingqing’s plane landed in London at noon the next day. As soon as she arrived, she received a message from an unfamiliar local number.

“Can you spare some time to meet? – Fengsi”

Lu Jingqing furrowed her brows, not wanting to pay attention to it at first. But then, she seemed to think of something and replied, sending him an address of a cafe: “Meet me at this café at 4:30 pm.”

………

Lu Jingqing entered the café, and Fengsi was already waiting at a table, leaning back in the chair and looking out of the floor-to-ceiling windows at the street scene. When he heard footsteps, he turned his gaze towards her and stood up very gentlemanly to welcome her to sit down.

“I heard that you prefer lattes. I just ordered one for you; please have a seat.” Fengsi said as Lu Jingqing sat down, not avoiding his direct gaze.

She asked straightforwardly, “How did you know I was coming to london? Who did you ask for my phone number? And who did you ask about my preferences?”

Fengsi smiled, “you are indeed more impatient than Mr Lu. Alright, I knew you were coming here because I overheard your phone conversation with Lu Jingshen that day.”

“As for the other two questions, the source was your younger brother,” he answered frankly, “I get along well with him, so I asked him for your contact information, and he casually sent it to me.”

Lu Jingqing remained expressionless, “So, what do you want from me? Go straight to the point.”

“Regarding Lu Jingshen,” Fengsi didn’t beat around the bush either, “I think there are some things that he might not know, but you definitely do. The reason why he’s so homophobic and even developed psychological issues.”

Lu Jingqing’s face darkened slightly, “Who said he’s homophobic? Even if he were, it’s none of your business, right?”

“Anyone with eyes can see that he’s homophobic,” Fengsi stated matter-of-factly, “you don’t need to bear such hostility towards me; I’m only concerned about Lu Jingshen. As for our relationship, Lu Jingshen may deceive others, but I doubt he can deceive you. That photo isn’t fake, and you should be well aware of that.”

Lu Jingqing replied, “What do you want with Ashen? Are you after him for money? I heard from Liu Jie and Chi Xie that you’re constantly partying and indulging with different men and women. What right do  you have to sit here and ask me about Ashen?”

Fengsi fell silent for a moment, then looked back at her seriously, no longer teasing, “Do you think I spent seven years searching for him all over the world for some ulterior motive? I met him seven years ago in Africa, spent three months together, and then he disappeared without a word. He even refused to tell me about his background. I had no choice but to search everywhere he might be for seven long years before finally finding him.”

A hint of surprise appeared in Lu Jingqing’s eyes, “You met him seven years ago in Africa?”

“I don’t have any reason to lie about this,” Fengsi said.

Lu Jingqing thought for a moment and said, “Since he disappeared back then because he didn’t want any relationship with you, why bother him now?”

Fengsi asked her in return, “Do you think he can be happy without my interference, given the way he’s lived these seven years? You should know better than me what kind of life he had.”

As he finished speaking, the screen of the phone placed on the table lit up; it was a new WeChat message from Lu Jingshen.

“I just arrived at the company and am preparing to start work. I have a meeting later; there’s a lot to do, but I’ll contact you later.”

During the past couple of days, Lu Jingshen had sent him more than ten messages, and Fengsi hadn’t replied to any of them. He didn’t know if Lu Jingshen was feeling frustrated or not, but he certainly wasn’t discouraged and kept sending new messages.

Lu Jingqing caught a glimpse of their WeChat conversation and frowned, “He’s messaging you, why aren’t you replying?”

Fengsi put away his phone, “I don’t want to.”

Lu Jingqing’s tone wasn’t pleasant, “If that’s the case, why did you come to me and ask about him?”

Fengsi said, “let’s talk sensibly. Back then, he left without a word, abandoning me. It took a lot of effort to find him, and when I did, he treated me as just a fuck buddy. He refused to acknowledge our relationship to others, and when the photo was exposed, I became the victim. He made me leave the company directly and denied my existence in front of everyone. Do you still expect me to ignore all that and accept him unconditionally?”

Lu Jingqing asked in a stern tone, “Did he come to London to find you?”

Fengsi nodded, “To be honest, I don’t know what he’s thinking either. I stayed with him, but he was afraid and didn’t want others to know about us. I left as he wished, but he still seemed dissatisfied, as if he were deeply upset. He repeatedly came to find me, saying he would see a psychologist. So, what’s the reason? What could be so serious that he needs to see a psychologist?”

Lu Jingqing held the coffee cup tightly, and her struggle became apparent in her expression. However, her guard gradually lowered as she continued, “Are you serious about Ashen? If you’re just playing around, then don’t look for him anymore. It doesn’t matter whether he has issues or not; it has nothing to do with you.”

“I want to know,” Fengsi persisted, staring into Lu Jingqing’s eyes, “please tell me.”

His tone wasn’t forceful, but Lu Jingqing felt a sense of oppression, making her uncomfortable. However, as she thought about Lu Jingshen’s disoriented state during this period, it seemed like everything was repeating the situation from seven years ago when he returned from Africa. At that time, she simply believed it was a psychological issue for Lu Jingshen, but only today did she suddenly realize that there might be another man involved in the matter.

“I didn’t know that he would be interested in men before,” Lu Jingqing finally let go of her defenses, “He does have a fear of homosexuals and significant psychological issues.”

Fengsi asked, “Why?”

There was a fleeting darkness in Lu Jingqing’s eyes, “PTSD.”

Fengsi’s gaze flickered, and Lu Jingqing continued quickly, “Both he and I attended universities in the United States, but in different states, as you are well aware. Although homosexuality is common in this era and Westerners keep spouting political correctness, conservative areas are still very conservative. Especially in the United States, different regions have vastly different views. The place where Ashen studied was more conservative. Many of his classmates were religious and held anti-homosexual views, but there were exceptions.”

“There was one male student secretly in a relationship with a man off-campus. He later contracted AIDS and was abandoned. Someone maliciously exposed his private life at school, and since then, everyone avoided him. Perhaps because Ashen is too easygoing, the professor arranged for that male student to study with him. At the time, Ashen’s attitude toward homosexuality was that it didn’t concern him; it was his nature not to openly discriminate like others did. He treated that male student like any other classmate, and because of this, that male student saw Ashen as a lifeline.”

“One day while Ashen was out shopping alone, that male student abducted him, locking him in a dark basement. He repeatedly poured out his grievances to Ashen, sharing his love and hatred for the other man, his lover, how the man infected him with the disease and then abandoned him. He wanted Ashen to understand and sympathize with him. At that time, he was already seriously ill and developed AIDS shortly after contracting it, and combined with constant drug use, his health had deteriorated significantly. His mental state was not good either, but Ashen didn’t give him the reaction he wanted. He only wanted to leave, which drove him crazy. He injected Ashen with hallucinogens and kept him locked in the basement. He even recorded videos and took pictures of Ashen.”

Lu Jingqing spoke quickly, and for her, that was also a memory she didn’t want to revisit. The emotions in Feng Si’s eyes gradually sank, transforming into a complex and indescribable gloominess. “What happened next?”

“Later,” Lu Jingqing hesitated, as if she didn’t want to continue, “later, Ah Shen was rescued, but it was already two weeks later. The other guy had overdosed on drugs and died in the rental apartment. His body was discovered by the neighbors, and they called the police. When the police arrived, they found Ah Shen locked in the basement, barely alive. He hadn’t eaten anything for nearly three days and was only surviving on half a bottle of mineral water.”

“When he was rescued, he saw the rotting and smelly body of the other guy, and he vomited on the spot because he hadn’t eaten in so long. He vomited stomach acid and even coughed up blood. When I received the news and rushed over, he was already in the hospital, where he stayed for more than half a month. His physical injuries healed, but he was left with severe psychological trauma. For a period of time, he suffered from insomnia, nightmares, hallucinations, and almost couldn’t continue his studies.”

“Only he and I knew about this incident. He didn’t want our parents to worry and repeatedly asked me not to tell them. I helped him keep it a secret. After he was discharged from the hospital, I arranged for him to see a psychologist, but due to his fear and aversion, it had little effect. Eventually, he refused to go again. After graduation, he said he wanted to be alone and take a break and travel. I was worried and wanted to accompany him, but he didn’t agree and insisted on going alone.”

“Afterward, I learned that he went to Africa. One day, he suddenly messaged me, saying he didn’t plan to come back for a while and would stay there for a few months without contacting me. Then he turned off his phone. I couldn’t reach him and worried for three months until he finally came back.”

“After that, he seemed like a different person. He was already not talkative before, but after that incident, he became even more closed off and isolated. I still wanted him to see a psychologist, but he refused. When he returned to the country and started working at the company, he seemed to have returned to normal on the surface, and I thought there was no need to make him face those painful memories again, so I didn’t bring it up with him.”

Lu Jingqing ended her account with a complex expression and looked directly at Feng Si. “Do you understand? I don’t want to pressure him, so I hope you won’t pressure him either. He might have done some wrong things, both in the past and now, but if you can’t accept it, there’s no need to force him to completely let go of his fear of homosexuality. After going through such an experience, it’s difficult for anyone to do that.”

“Do you really think he has returned to normal?” Feng Si asked calmly. “Do you believe his current issues are only related to his fear of homosexuality and his unwillingness to accept himself as gay? Haven’t you noticed that even his normal social interactions have become problematic?”

Lu Jingqing immediately refuted, “That’s impossible. These years, he has dealt with family and work without any issues. What problems could there be?”

Feng Si shook his head. “Besides those, what about him? He may excel at being a perfect son and a good sibling, but has he really shared his true feelings with you or your family? Do you or your family really know what he’s thinking? He may handle subordinates and business partners with ease, but does he have true friends? His so-called childhood friends only maintain the relationship for business cooperation. During weekends and holidays, apart from working overtime, his only entertainment is either going to the gym alone or watching movies at home. Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that?”

“Of course, I know that there are many people who prefer solitude and don’t interact with others much, but why does Alex behave like this? It’s because he hasn’t fully recovered from the trauma of the past, and he fears opening up to others, so he chooses to isolate himself. You know this deep down, why deceive yourself and think there’s no problem?”

Feng Si’s voice was compelling, and Lu Jingqing’s face turned cold, but she couldn’t argue back, “What about you then? What do you really want from Ah Shen? Do you plan to be with him for the long term?”

Feng Si didn’t answer immediately, remembering that late night when he returned home and saw Lu Jingshen waiting for him in the car.

From the beginning, he never intended to truly let go and if Lu Jingshen came looking for him, he wouldn’t let him go again.

No matter the pain or difficulty, he would help ease Ah Shen’s burdens.

His seven years, the unwillingness and obsession, also required a final answer from Lu Jingqing.

“Your younger brother asked me before about the relationship between me and Alex,” Feng Si’s voice paused slightly, meeting Lu Jingqing’s gaze, and he calmly answered her, “I told him my words don’t count; only Alex’s words matter. Now you’re asking me, and it’s still the same.”

“I don’t want him to see me as a lifeline before he truly understands himself. It’s unfair to him and unfair to me.”

“When Alex truly comes out, then I will consider a long-term relationship with him.”